Roller Coaster

Seasons

2012-02-01T07:40:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling so frustrated about the tremors the lithium are causing me. How can I do the candid child photography I so much love to do?

And I have a dream:

At Missions Fest I met Marie Ens, the missionary in Cambodia who started Place of Rescue. This is an orphanage for children of parents who died from Aids. She started this ministry in her senior years and it is truly amazing what she has done.

My dream is to visit her and document her work with photographs. How I would love to do a photo story of Place of Rescue. It would be so very much the kind of work I'm good at...if I didn't have the tremors.

However, my mood is stabilizing. I've become far better organized. I'm feeling more normal emotionally. And that is something to be grateful for. And I AM very grateful.

With more stable moods I'll be able to work better for Living Room, and that - right now - is probably a more important work for me than photographing children. Maybe I should accept and welcome this time in my life as a season to work for Living Room. And maybe - some time in the future - we can work at getting me off the meds that are causing the tremors. Maybe - some time in the future - it will be safe to change meds again.

There is a season for everything.

Missions Fest report

2012-01-30T14:10:00.000-08:00

How exciting this past weekend was with our Living Room booth at Missions Fest! So many people stopped by to get information! People with mood disorders, people who had friends or family members with mood disorders. Others were just very happy to see that there is a way that the church is addressing the problem of mental illness.

We heard some stories of how the church had totally misunderstood the medical nature of mood disorders and prayed over unconfessed sins in an effort to heal the person. We talked about the pain this causes. We talked about the stigma in the church.

It was so great to stand amongst all the other forms of ministries - the first time a mental health ministry was represented at Missions Fest. I felt we gained credibility and really made a mark. I do hope we'll have the opportunity to do this again next year.

And me? How do I feel now? I'm feeling much stronger than I was. I'm feeling positive and look forward to getting life back on track again.

Seeking understanding

2012-01-25T11:17:00.000-08:00

How I long to have my illness understood!

What do friends think of me? What do they think of my frequent ups and downs? I worry that they are allowing those moods to colour what they consider my personality to be. But my moods are not what I am. I can't help my moods.

I'm down so much. Yet I'm a positive thinker with good goals to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. On behalf of the many who suffer as I do, I try to help others understand what it means to live with bipolar disorder so that they'll be more compassionate.

And yet, even people close to me misunderstand and withhold the support I need.

A friend pointed out to me, though, that these people probably have enough problems of their own in life. Sometimes they just can't handle another thing. And that's probably something I need to take into account. My fear though is that they think ill of who I am because of my moods.

Who can I go to in times of deep darkness, when I can't see my way clear, when I want to die and when I just need someone to talk to and pray with?

My husband is a wonderful supporter. A patient man who has made a good life possible for me. But he doesn't have faith in God like I do. If he did, things would be so much different. I wouldn't need to depend so much on other friends.

God is number one in my life. I value my relationship with Him. But when dark moods come I need someone to remind me of His love and trustworthiness. A spiritual weakness of mine? Perhaps. But I know it's a common problem for people with depression. It's all part of the bipolar package.

The need for compassion

2012-01-23T18:42:00.000-08:00

Isn't it strange the way it works? During times when you're down and out, needing love more than anything, people avoid you.

I'm doing much better than I was, however I do get down thinking of the people I considered good friends who don't in any way show compassion when I've needed it so badly. These are friends I've supported in many ways. But when I'm depressed I can't go to them for support. I don't get anything back. In fact, they don't even want to talk to me.

My best friend, a person who is - next to my husband - my best supporter is leaving town next week, not to return till sometime in May. How I'll miss her! She is my sister-in-Christ, my mentor, my counselor.

When I tell her about my disappointment with uncompassionate friends she tells me to stop focussing on people. People will always disappoint. "Fix your eyes on Jesus." And I guess she's right, but it's hard.

An act of worship

2012-01-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

So much to talk to you about! Not simply about my troubles (as I've been doing far too much lately) but about things that give me joy.

I've been writing about the photography I've been doing and, during Pastor Don's sermon today, I was reminded of how photographing nature is very much an act of worship for me.

How I love capturing the beautiful things in nature! And especially when I know there will be people to share the results with. It's like a songwriter writing songs to sing for people and with people - praises to God - expressions of devotion to Him. I would like to be like David writing his psalms, only in photograph form.

And, when I can express and share my feelings through the photographs I make, all the better. All the more meaningful.

Look at how David expressed his myriad emotions with us in his psalms. How they bless us now! When I'm going through hard times, it's the psalms I go to for comfort. David understood. He went through the same things I experience, though his life and circumstances were a lot different.

Pastor Don's sermon today was about how we make use of our time. Such a great topic and such a great sermon!! I encourage you to listen to it in a few days when it goes online here.

One of the things Don covered was how to engage in a "holy waste of time". He said that three practices appear to be a "waste" of time but aren't really:
1. Observing the Sabbath
2. Worship
3. Daily personal time with God

What Don had to say so encouraged me. The project I've been telling you about - the work God seems to be leading me to - uses all of these. The time outdoors with my camera, appreciating what God has given us; the making of photographs to sing about the wonders I uncover; the time spent writing prayers to Him - prayers on behalf of others who might be experiencing pain...or joy.

Photographing in the snow

2012-01-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

I did some photography in our snowy garden yesterday. What fun! It was raining - a kind of freezing rain - but I was dressed warm and cozy and nothing bothered me.

It was neat to photograph the hydrangea blossoms I had photographed in the fall, with snow instead of frost covering them. Don't think I did great though. I have dreadful tremors, especially in the early morning and that's not too great for holding a camera. Perhaps I should learn to use a tripod. I've done that before but find them a pain. So awkward! It really slows me down. And yet...it might be the only way I can get decent pictures.

How great it felt being out there though - in the fresh air, doing something creative!

The plans for the book I'd like to do are developing. I even did some writing for it last night and this morning. I'm finding my "voice." God is taking me on a wonderful adventure and I don't know where I'll end up. Isn't that how He likes to work?

Needing to create

2012-01-20T08:02:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to function better, getting quite a few things done around the house. And I'm becoming more organized, doing much to prepare for Missions Fest, the conference where Living Room will have a booth. (Booth N08 for those of you who might like to come and visit us)

But the low moods still come upon me with too much regularity, quite often just after waking up from a nap.

And I keep thinking to myself how good it would be for me to have a creative project on the go. Doing creative things has always been a good technique for me to get out of depression. Something colourful and beautiful.

I've been praying so much for a project! Something involving photography.

One thing I've been exploring is to create a devotional book - a gift book with photographs and words - perhaps prayers that people with all kinds of pain would be able to relate to. How I'd like to be like David, creating psalms that arose from the situations he was in, but not specifying those situations in his writing. The way he wrote was something almost everyone could relate to.

Could I write prayers that could bless people with all different forms of pain ... and joy as well? Could I write something for the benefit of many and not just for myself?

New plans

2012-01-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

My devotional planner quotes Job 17:11: "My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart."

But, the thoughts below say - so correctly: "Plans give you energy and keep you moving forward. [how true!] When plans get shattered so does your heart. The Lord can renew your plans or give you new plans. [as he did to Job] And when that happens your heart will be restored. Wait and see. What plans of yours have been shattered lately?"

Job's old life with his plans were shattered - taken away from him. And how I understand his feelings, though my situation isn't nearly as bad. I grieve the loss of my ability to function in a dependable way. And I do feel in great need of a new project - something without stress - something creative - something that will give me purpose - a God-given purpose. I believe if I had a good project to focus on, I would recover much sooner.

Living Room isn't shattered. It can't be. There will, I trust, be others - more capable others - to carry it on. It's a movement. The supportive material is all available free of charge on the website. I guess all we need is someone who will answer emails asking for info and someone who will supply encouragement where needed.

What I do grieve is my ability to function in a dependable way. I just pray that I will recover and that God will help me get stronger in that respect.

But any time I've had mental health problems I've turned to a creative project to "restore my heart" and give me a sense of excitement about life again. This is what I'm exploring now. I would like to create some kind of devotional book, including my photographs. How I would love a project like that!! This is the idea I'm developing now.

God is good. I'm starting to feel more organized. Starting to recover. I pray this trend will continue.

A long-distance race

2011-12-29T07:12:00.000-08:00

Dear blogging pals:

So long it has been since I wrote last! Such a change since I started blogging in 2006 and I had promised myself I would write a post every other day! And I did too, for a long time. It was a blessing to do so.

What has happened?

I guess life happened. Many things have changed for me. I ended up starting a ministry that is reaching far and wide. I'm grateful for how far God has taken Living Room.

Lately though I've been wondering how long I can keep leading this ministry. I've been having a lot of troubles. Loss of memory; disorganization; having normal or high moods followed very quickly by depression - often with suicidal ideation. Doesn't sound very good for the leader of such an important ministry, does it?

And I wonder: Is this the way it's always going to be for me? Is this a permanent condition caused by old age setting in? That is indeed a worry. But I mustn't just worry about this. I need to consider what can be done.

How I would love to find someone to take my place! Someone who I could at least groom to take over leadership from me.

My pastor recently very wisely pointed me to Hebrews 11 and 12. And I can see how with Living Room I blazed a trail like the Biblical figures described. What a great privilege that has been!! But I might not realize my goal. I never did actually expect to reach my goal of destroying stigma. All we can hope for is to reduce it, isn't it?

Yet I did hope and pray to have Living Room groups in churches readily available to as many people as possible. I hoped to start a movement towards reaching that goal. That was my prayer, whether voiced or not.

My prayer is that this will indeed be a movement that will catch fire. I pray that the Living Room candle that God helped me light will become a blaze of enlightenment in churches everywhere. I pray that all Christians living with mental illness will find themselves able to talk comfortably about their troubles with their church friends. I pray that they will be able to truly be themselves - truly authentic members of their church families, open about who they are and what they deal with. I pray for empathy and sympathy - the elimination of feelings of shame. I pray that the church will be a source of comfort for people dealing with emotional difficulties. And, if the source of the problem is medical, I pray that it will be recognized as such and that the church will - somehow - work with medical staff in seeing that needs are met. I also pray that medical staff will work alongside the church where spiritual help is needed.

Erasing stigma is a long-distance race, one I will personally not give up fighting as long as I am able. I'm sure I will not see the finish line in my lifetime. But I have faith that - with God's help - a better life for Christians with mental illness will be possible. In the way God has helped me, God will help others carry the cause to the finish line.

Stigma - how it makes me feel

2011-12-03T06:55:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for pursuing this topic just a bit further. But it's in my thoughts, and when it's there I must share. What better time?

Yesterday I felt much better about life. I was able to cast off the pain I had felt the previous day. God led me on a beautiful walk with Him, leading to a sense of gratefulness to Him. My time with God took me to a beautiful old hymn, one I love very much: How Great Thou Art. Hope you will have a listen. I shared the thoughts that led to this with friends. I wrote encouraging emails to people. All in all, it was a wonderful time and a sharing of God with people who were important to me.

Actually, as I write this post, I'm reminded of another wonderful song of praise. Great is Thy Faithfulness. Both of these songs easily draw tears from me. They so very much mirror how I feel about God.

But back to that ugly thing called stigma. Although I was up yesterday, this morning some thoughts brought me down again - though I don't plan to stay there. This morning I was able to pinpoint exactly what it feels like when I'm stigmatized. When people make comments like my friend did - the comment I wrote about in my last post, I was made to feel she doesn't think I'm worth anything. Like I'm not as human as other "normal" people. The things I do that are good don't count for anything. The good things about me are ignored.

Thing is, I know that I'm worth a bundle to God. He loves me just as much as everyone else and has blessed me by giving me a big job to do for Him. At times I feel too small - even unworthy - to carry such a load, but He has entrusted this work to me and I feel very grateful. Because it's obvious He does think of me as a person of great worth. How humbling that is and how I need to take care of myself so that I can continue working! How important to rest in Him in spite of the big commitments I have made, in spite of so often feeling overwhelmed!
How important to cast off this pain and to ignore people who are so in the dark about the truth!

I will pay no attention to this kind of treatment. I will keep my distance from the people who stigmatize me and cause me pain. And when I need to talk with them about something, I will treat them as warmly as I can, in the way I would want to be treated. Maybe one day they will come around. I will have to pray for them.

In my last post I mentioned that there were only three people who support me. But in that dark state I forgot many things. Looking at it today, I can see that there are many people in the church who love me and appreciate me. Yes, the church as a whole is very supportive. They see me as a worthy human being, a person worthy of their love. Most members of the church know what I deal with and will openly talk with me about it when we have one-on-one time. And they feel that they can talk with me about their problems too.

No way would I want to leave this church. It offers everything I need and believe in. I thank God for this wonderful Christian community.

The pain of stigma

2011-12-01T15:47:00.000-08:00

I had always thought that I had been fortunate - that I had not been touched too much by the effects of stigma. But in the last little while, I've been deeply hurt a number of times by stigma and gross understanding about what it is to live with bipolar disorder. And one of the worst things is that the hurtful remarks were made to me by friends who I had considered supporters.

If it weren't for the friendship of three people in the church - people who are compassionate and caring and offer strong support, even though they might not always understand totally - I might have be tempted to leave this church, though it has done so much to encourage me and Living Room. I had just yesterday lauded the wonderful work of the church in supporting people with mental illness and how that has led to many Living Room groups.

But the poison of the remarks has been so very painful - more painful than the effects of the disorder itself. They are affecting me deeply. Though maybe it's the disorder - the severe moods - that make me especially sensitive. Never-the-less, it sickens me to have my pain and the pain of others who live with mental illness so grossly misunderstood.

What led to this post - amongst other things - is something a friend said to me this morning in response to my current problems with rapid cycling. She said "Your husband deserves a medal. Most husbands would have been out of there long ago." This isn't the first time she said this to me. She has said almost the same thing a number of times before and does it ever hurt! It has hurt me deeply.

By saying that she suggests that all I've been to my husband is a drain. That I haven't given anything to him. That I don't give anything back. And that is so completely false.

The truth is that I give a lot to my family, my community - and even the world. But when she said this it was as though that didn't count for anything. As though the only thing worth looking at was my mental illness. As though mentally ill people never give anything back.

As much as I'm able I pour out all I have in love for others. I pour out until I have almost nothing left to give. Then I have to refresh myself at the never-ending fountain of Jesus' love. I rest; I recover; and then I am ready to start working again. And resting is what I'm trying to do now.

Christmas: a time to be still

2011-11-25T07:49:00.000-08:00

I recently came across a blogpost I wrote four years ago and thought you might like to hear it. This will be our devotional at Living Room today. So...even if you're far from a group, you too can take part with us. I hope you will be blessed by these thoughts.

THE AWE AND WONDER OF IT ALL

(From a blogpost written by Marja (http//marjabergen.blogpost.com) on
December 4th, 2007):

Last year's Christmas was a stressful time for me. I truly suffered from all the negative aspects of the season: the huge number of fliers coming to the door irked me; the full parking lots at the mall overwhelmed me; the stores with the Christmas music and the pushing of goods bothered me. The materialism of it all - the having to live up to all the traditions, when I wasn't in the mood - the pressures of going to parties and having to entertain family at home were more than I could bear. I saw it as a chaotic time, one I wished I could escape.

But - blessing of all blessings - this year is different. I feel at peace. I don't feel pressured. I'm enjoying the season. And this started happening even as I was struggling with depression over the past few weeks. That's truly amazing! Thank God!

So I went to church this Sunday - the first Sunday of the Advent season - eager for Pastor Don's sermon. He didn't let me down. He talked about how Advent should be a time of quiet waiting - a time to look forward to Jesus' coming.

Unfortunately Christmas has become a time of chaos for many of us, when it should be a time of awe and wonder. Just think of it: the child Jesus who was born was God, come to earth to walk amongst us. He came to show us who God is and what he's like. He showed us God's great love and illustrated his amazing grace.

Christmas is very much a time of fantasy and nostalgia, a time when we try to recreate feelings we had in the past. But recreating those feelings can be difficult in the lives we're living today. We often end up with pain when we can't do it. But if we could remember to focus on Jesus, the whole reason we are celebrating, perhaps we could escape the pain and lighten the expectations we put on ourselves. Perhaps we could escape all the noisy stuff and the chaos.

The time leading up to Christmas should be a time for stillness, a time for peaceful reflection. Think about what a mystery God's coming into the world was! Think of the awe and wonder of it all!

Why make a big anxious fuss over Christmas, the season where we talk about peace and joy? Do what feels is best for you in the mood you’re dealing with at the time. Spend time with family and friends. But, most of all, spend time with God.

God says to you and me:

“Be still and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

“Step out of the traffic! Talk a long, loving look at me, your High God…” Ps. 46:10 (MSG)

Unfortunately, it's difficult for me to even focus on Christmas at all this year. My 97-year-old mother isn't doing very well and, other than the care she receives from her nursing home, I am the only family member who cares for her. The only one who visits. That's sad. But you know, there are many things in her attitude that inspire me. I do enjoy my visits and must try to do so often - no matter how busy I am.

She came up with such beautiful words a few days ago. When she was in the ER, she missed her crochetting so much. How she wished to have it there with her while she waited those many hours to be tended to! She referred to her work as her "sweet comfort." What a wonderful way to describe what creative activity can offer us!

And then, a day or two later, back at the care home - happily back at work again - she told us how her "willpower won't leave her alone."

What a wonderful message this is for those who are willing to listen to this lady. And how much those who don't visit are missing!!

Perhaps I should forget a lot of my busyness - at least, simplify as much as possible - and focus on celebrating Christmas with Mom. Spend quiet - with God time - along with her.

Burn-out?

2011-11-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

I've felt very tired lately. Bordering on burn-out maybe?

My open house last Saturday did not go as I envisioned. Not nearly as many people turning out as I had thought would. But the weather was horrendous - lots of rain and wind. I was touched though every time I saw someone arrive, braving that weather. How good it was to see them! Quite a few of my Living Room gang. And the living room was almost always filled with people - lots of good visiting. Although I didn't sell much we had a wonderful time - and that's most important, isn't it?

I'm trying to rest now. Trouble is, every time I try to rest my mind runs away with me. I'm doing far too much thinking. And when I think things, I feel a need to share. I end up making phone calls and writing emails. Thankfully I haven't called anyone too many times, though - I don't think. One person I called three times yesterday. But I think she understood the need and she knows that she was helping me. Good for a person to know when they are helping you. Good not to just complain about your feelings but to show you're willing to listen to a person's advice and take it to heart. Friends don't want to feel like they're helpless to help you. They want to feel they're able to do some good.

I always try too to learn what my friends are going through. I want to pray for them too. I'm not the only one with troubles. Everyone has some kind of troubles. Some kind of burden. I don't just want my friends to be there for me. I need to be there for them too. Support is a two-way street. We need to be friends to each other.

And...listening to others about what is happening in their lives helps take my mind off myself. A very healthy thing.

Talk went well, although...

2011-11-10T21:49:00.000-08:00

Have to let you know that the talk at Regent went well. I felt calm - exceedingly calm. Not nervous, not shaking as I had been the couple of days before the talks. And I knew it was because people were praying for me and I prayed for myself. Trouble was - and I feel bad about this - I'm pretty sure I talked far longer than I should have. Sharon ran out of time and at the end had to cram an hour of material into half an hour. I feel bad about that.

But my presentation at the very end of the lecture, where I talked about Living Room, went much better. I was able to cram everything into 5 minutes and yet feel I said all I needed to say. The note I ended on was that it would be so wonderful if the whole church could be like Living Room. A place where people can be authentic and not have to hide painful things they live with because of shame.

My mood is still very unstable. Literally up and down like a yo-yo. And I worry. What am I going to be like on Saturday - that day for which I invited probably over 100 people to my open house?

How I need to surrender these anxieties and trust in God! Think I'll go to bed with a mug of cammomile tea and focus where I should. On Jesus and not on me.

Manic high but trying to hold steady

2011-11-08T16:54:00.000-08:00

Just checking in to let you know things are...well, kind of high. Please pray that I'll be able to stay connected, feet safely on the ground. Finding my "firm place to stand" in God. Yes, every time I do stop to think of God and who He is and what He means to me, I come together a bit... Till I get busy again.

But I take comfort in the knowledge that people are praying for me. I don't think most people understand what exactly it is I'm dealing with. Physical pain is so much easier to understand, isn't it?

Tomorrow I take part in Sharon Smith's lecture at Regent College, speaking to upcoming pastors. I will tell them what it's like to live with bipolar disorder. I will describe what my life is like now-a-days. Can I help them understand? Even a little bit? Enough so that they'll be compassionate towards others who have bipolar disorder? Enough so that they'll know how to offer support?

Then, on Saturday, I'm having an open house to show my photographic work in the form of bookmarks, notecards and framed prints. In typical enthusiastic manic fashion, I must have invited a hundred people. I'm working hard at staying organized enough to get ready for that.

I need to stop worrying, though. I need to trust that I CAN stay organized. Everything is on track so far. My husband is supporting me. God is with me.

Everyone needs compassion

2011-11-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, I write letters to God - most days - whether I'm up or down. And this morning, while I was writing I was reminded of a song that we often sing at church that starts with the words, Everyone needs compassion. Those words always speak to me in a big way when we sing them.

And, as I went to my computer to find the song on youtube, I reread my last couple of posts. How honest I was! I was shocked by my honesty. And yet, you know, it was a comfort to share with someone. Few people understand what a person like me goes through. Most don't want to hear about it, thinking I talk too much about myself. And yet, how will people know how to pray for me if I don't share when I'm going through tough stuff? So often I've heard from people who had loved ones die by suicide say, "If he/she could only have told me! If only I'd known!" Yet before the actual act, people don't want to know, do they? Not the average person.

In the end, it's only Jesus who has true, pure compassion, isn't it? It's only He who truly understands. And how we need to be sure to stay close to Him! How we need to keep the communication between ourselves and Him open!

I had a friend email me this morning, telling me she had read my last posts. And she was sorry she hadn't been praying for me. But that's ok, she had a lot of her own things she was dealing with. And that's how it is for most people. But you know, neat thing: as the result of my honesty, she was honest with me and told me what she had been dealing with! I so appreciated that! It's such a privilege when people share with me what they're dealing with. And, you know, it takes my mind off myself and that's such a good thing.

I wish when I share openly with people they would see it as permission to share their tough stuff with me too. Then I'll feel that I have a true friend. Someone I can share with. We can pray for each other.

Fellowship with Jesus

2011-11-03T07:54:00.000-07:00

Although I hesitated to share my last post with you, wanting you to be able to trust me as a leader, I did need to be honest. My readers need to understand the effects of bipolar disorder on us. If I'm going to be honest - which I always try to be - I need to share the hard stuff too.

But please know, that in my quiet time this morning I've come to a different place.

Shortly after I wrote my last post I emailed my pastor saying, "[my good friend] would probably be reminding me that it's the evil one getting me down. He likes to attack at times when he feels his own work most threatened. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus and remember how He suffered but did not give up. He died and rose again. And I must rise again - up from the death - the lifelessness and emptiness of depressed feelings. I must take God's hands and arise again - up from what was like a death bed last night. There's work to be done. Yes, I'm reaching for God's hand this morning."

My pastor has often quoted Philippians 3:10-11, his life verses - something I've in the past had a lot of trouble understanding. But this morning I fully understand them:

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Depression - not self-centeredness

2011-11-03T06:14:00.000-07:00

I dived down into the depressed part of my cycle last night. And all I could think of was a wish to die - how I would like to end it all.

Self-centered? Some people would say so. But how can you be otherwise when you can't think of the possibility of living beyond this moment in time? When you can't bear the thought of continuing this life. It has become too hard.

And yet, earlier in the day I made special brownies that my celiac friend will be able to eat. And I looked forward to surprising her with them today. It's not like all I think about is myself. I also coached an immigrant in English conversation, talking lots about her - not just myself.

No. I don't think it's self-ceneteredness that is bringing me down. I don't think other-centeredness is preventing me from going there. The moods come - unbidden.

Last night all I could think of was how I would like to swallow a bottle of pills and just go to sleep forever. I'm tired. Tired of the constant ups and downs. I want to get off the roller coaster.

Today - thank God - I'll be seeing my counselor, a Christian. Finally someone who I can talk with about this. Someone who's a Christian.

Self-centeredness

2011-10-29T15:49:00.000-07:00

One of the things we talked about at Living Room yesterday was our tendency to become self-centered when we're depressed or when we're high. How can we try to start thinking of others at times like that? Is it possible to become other-centered by thinking of how we can help others with their needs?

I know I've tried many times. But the success has been short-lived. Sometimes I'm able to help my depression improve a bit by trying to do things for other people - by trying to put myself in their shoes and seeing their needs. But the better feelings are usually only temporary. Of course, much depends on the depth of depression I'm experiencing. When depression is only starting to descend, I may well pull right out by turning my attention to the needs of others.

One person present, a person who does not have a mood disorder himself, suggested that having a good friend show us how we're thinking too much of ourselves might be the best kind of support we could have.

But, I responded, "You have to be very careful how you tell a person that. I've been told that by a number of people in the past and it made me feel awful. It made me feel even worse about myself than I did before and deepened the depression." I believe it could even drive a person to take his life, especially if he's told so in a way that he might consider uncaring or critical. After all, self-centered thinking is not something a person with depression can easily control. It is one of the symptoms of this illness.

My best support comes from a close friend who does not in so many words tell me that I'm thinking too much about myself. Instead she helps me search for things that I could do to bring me out of myself - get me out of my negative thinking pattern. Play a game with my husband, do a Sudoku puzzle, go for a walk with a friend, work on a creative activity.

It takes a very special person to know how to help a depressed person, especially if this person has himself never experienced depression. How hard it must be to understand if you've never been there yourself!!

Other-centeredness

2011-10-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

This morning I was thinking how a life lived only for yourself is an empty life, a bit of a continuation to what our Living Room devotional tomorrow will focus on. We will start our meeting with the following Scripture from the Message. Such a good thing for us to think about! Do you find you do better emotionally when you spend some time thinking of others' needs and responding to them, instead of thinking of your own needs alone?

A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places

"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.”

Isaiah 58:9-12 (the Message)

How things are changing!

2011-10-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

I remember a time not too many years ago, before I wrote A Firm Place to Stand, before Living Room, when I tried to interest various seminaries in town in having someone speak to their counselling students about mental illness. Nothing happened. There was no interest - or maybe I didn't have the credentials - no clout to have my thoughts seriously considered.

But how things are changing!! On November 9th Dr. Sharon Smith will be presenting a three-hour lecture at Regent College in Vancouver on mental health recovery in the church. Caroline Penhale and I will be speaking as well. I will tell my story and will talk about the Living Room support ministry.

Faith communities are more and more starting to see that they have a role to play when one of their congregants struggles with mental illness. And the medical community is more and more starting to recognize that a person's faith plays a big part in his physical and emotional well-being. Sharon Smith of Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries is playing a big role in creating better understanding in both worlds.

How I welcome these changes!! Thank you, God!!

Harnessing the passion

2011-10-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

That talk Dr. Kathleen McGarvey is giving tomorrow night about mental illness on the streets has me all riled up. And all I've seen is the poster! I haven't even heard her speak yet!

Last night I so passionately felt I needed to do something - to write something that might make a difference! But I was too overwhelmed to do anything at all.

I just so feel there are things we can do to prevent people from becoming homeless! There are ways we can support and encourage them. There IS hope. Maybe not for each person, but for many. What can Christians do about this problem? How can Living Room help?

I talked to God this morning and have come up with some ideas to harness my passion and actually do something useful - small as it might be in the big scheme of things. But if each of us did something small, wouldn't it add up to something significant?

This morning though, God showed me that I'm still rapid cycling. The announcement of this event alone shot my mood way up. Another trigger. And I was hoping I would be able to avoid triggers!

I've decided I should not go to that event tomorrow night. I would just be asking for trouble. I'm high enough as it is.

Mental illness on the streets

2011-10-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

I'm doing so much better. Have I stabilized? We'll see. But for now I'm good and I thank God that I can continue working, unencumbered by a lot of negative emotions. Not high and not low.

On Thursday night I'm going to an event sponsored by the Mood Disorders Association of BC. The title of the topic is Mental Illness on the Streets: What can we do about it? What a worthwhile thing to discuss!

Psychiatrist Dr. Kathleen McGarvey will tell us that a person with a serious mental illness has a 70% possibility of being unemployed and may face discrimination from landlords when seeking rental housing, both of which may result in living with their illness on the streets.

Dr. McGarvey is on the Assertive Community Treatment Team (ACT), part of the Mental Health Commission of Canada.

What I'll be interested in is "How can I help?" "Is there anything that we as individuals can do to create a better world for those who live with mental illness?"

Rapid-cycling

2011-10-13T06:43:00.000-07:00

I've been getting myself into a lot of trouble lately - easily triggered to flare up. Sometimes with over-the-top joy and excitement. Sometimes with pain and deep sadness. And I'm sure my husband and friends must find me pretty hard to deal with now-a-days.

Last night I was so grief-stricken with something that happened that I couldn't do anything at all, though I have so much to do. I was hungry, but even eating would have been too much trouble. I couldn't see how I could possible prepare a devotional for Living Room tomorrow. Just not in the right frame of mind.

I've been very busy with creative activities, things that brought me comfort and joy. Yet there have been roadblocks put in my way to selling them. I had hoped to raise some much needed funds for church ministries. But my church doesn't believe in fund-raising. It leaves me with little I can do to support the projects financially, something I feel very bad about.

Creative projects bring me much joy, but part of the joy comes from the knowledge that I'll be able to share them in some way. Part of the joy comes from knowing I'm doing something useful. I don't get much joy from creating photographic work if it's only for myself. I want to share. I want to use it to earn money somehow - money that I can donate to a good cause.

Fortunately I have a good friend who understands emotional pain. She has been there many times herself. She gave me some Psalms to read and they have drawn me closer to God. They have helped me talk to God, though that had been so hard to do.

One passage she led me to was Psalm 116. It's proving to be beneficial to me and I will share it at Living Room tomorrow. There might be others experiencing pain in the way I am. Together we will seek God's presence.

It all started in november, 2006

2011-10-07T12:48:00.000-07:00

I did some research this morning to find out when exactly the idea for a global Living Room initiative came to be. What I found was a post I wrote on November 26, 2006. How passionate I was back then!! I'm still passionate, though I think some of the frustration and anger I felt back then has disippated. Today there are 16 Living Room groups and more are in the process of forming.

I'm republishing that post here, because there may be some who might benefit.

I BELIEVE

I was going to tell you about how amazing Living Room was yesterday. I was going to tell you about how at peace I felt when I came home and how I felt God so close. He is really at work in this group. There were 12 of us and we connected so well. It was hard getting everyone to go home so I could lock the church.

I was going to write a whole bunch about this until I read Misha's post tonight. It got me all riled up - though not in a bad way. The fiery determination welled up again, to continue working at what I believe so strongly in: better support by the church for people with mental disorders.

The Living Room group is an example of how the church can provide tangible support for people with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders. I believe our group is a germ of something, something I hope will spread to other churches (even many?).

A snapshot of our meeting: At our group we start out by helping ourselves to lunch - all finger foods - and we sit around a big table, covered with a tablecloth with a sunflower pattern. Usually we have a flower arrangement in the center. Yesterday we had candles. For extra nibbling, there were cookies, grapes and, as always, a couple of dishes of chocolates on the table. We gradually get into the meeting. The atmosphere is so good.

But I'm describing. And that wasn't my intention. I wanted to talk about how I believe that the body of Christ, the church, will eventually learn how to help those of us who struggle with mental health issues. God is so much at work in Living Room. I know this is the kind of thing God wants us - and all Christians - to be doing. Calls are trickling in every week from people who are interested in receiving faith-based support. There have been others showing an interest in starting groups at their own churches.

This would be such a wonderful way to reduce stigma.

Guidelines for a group: The groups need to be facilitated by someone who has a mood disorder himself. When the group leader shows his vulnerability, talking briefly about his own struggles and how God works in his life, others are encouraged to open up. This kind of facilitator is the key to a good group. Churches need people with these problems to work with the pastor in organizing such a group.

And there should be a connection with a secular mental health agency which would make sure the medical angles are appreciated. This is to discourage totally spiritualizing the problems members face. There has to be an appreciation of the medical AND spiritual. This is of UTMOST importance.

I believe we're onto something. And I pray for God's continued guidance. It's He who helps me want to persevere. I know it's Christ who taught us to love each other unconditionally and I believe that Christians want to do that. They only need to learn HOW to give the support we so desperately need.

So...I've ended up describing Living Room after all. I'm glad I did, because I feel good about my group...and maybe this will inspire others.

Humility and vulnerability

2011-10-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

I sent a letter to Living Room facilitators tonight, as well as those who have indicated they might like to start a Living Room group sometime. I'm going to share it with you here, because you never know what leaders might be hiding out there - maybe some who haven't even realized such work might be for them:

Over the past two days I attended the Willow Creek Leadership Summit, a conference featuring some very inspiring speakers, each addressing a facet of leadership. Patrick Lencioni and John Dickson had some things to say about "humility" and "vulnerability" that I would like to share with you. These two qualities are, I believe, very important for Living Room facilitators to have. Those qualities can make all the difference between having a so-so group and a truly successful and vibrant support group.

Dickson said that humility is "the noble choice to forgo your status and use your influence for the good of others before yourself....Humility is beautiful...We are attracted to the great who are humble."

Lencioni told us how we are called to vulnerability - to being real - to being honest about who we are. "That's how we draw people to us."

Isn't it Jesus' amazing humility that draws us to Him? Isn't the love He showed to all - us sinners and the outcasts of His day - that makes us love Him so much? As followers of Christ, we are called on to imitate His humility.

One of my favourite Bible passages is in Philippians 2:

"...in humility consider others better than yourselves....Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.
...he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!"

Dickson explained to us how we consider a humble person trustworthy. Through story he showed us how humility can inspire us. And don't we all trust Jesus? And aren't we all inspired by Jesus' great example?

One of my favourite books on leadership is In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen. I'm tempted to quote long passages from it here, though it's just a small volume. But I'll try to control myself. Nouwen writes:

"When the members of a community of faith cannot truly know and love their shepherd, shepherding quickly becomes a subtle way of exercising power over others and begins to show authoritarian and dictatorial traits. ..The leadership about which Jesus speaks is of a radically different kind from the leadership offered by the world. It is a servant leadership in which the leader is a vulnerable servant who needs the people as much as they need their leader."

Yes, as facilitators of a peer support group, we have needs in the same way that the people we serve have needs. We should not hide those needs, but be open about them, as we expect group members to be open. We need to model the kind of authenticity we expect others to have. When we as leaders are real and don't hide things, others will follow our example. I try to do that in my own group, and how freeing it is to be able to be myself with them!! How freeing it is not to have to look like I've got it all together!

May God bless you in your work.

Me? Elderly?

2011-09-26T08:15:00.001-07:00

One thing I really can't get used to about getting older is having people offering me their seat.

It happened yesterday. My husband and I were in a restaurant waiting for a table. A younger couple was sitting on the two chairs provided for people waiting. And the girl asked if I would like her seat.

Do I really look that old? Do I really look that decrepid and weak? Heck! I'm only 65 years old!

65 is not that old! I'm still able to stand. I'm still able to walk long distances.

Today's prayers

2011-09-23T07:06:00.000-07:00

This morning all I can think of is a good friend who is in hospital. She's in such very poor shape. Needed transfusions both of the last two days and, last I heard, she was having trouble breathing. I'm so worried about her, but all I can do is pray - for her and her husband.

Things have been a bit weird for me lately, my moods up and down, but not really badly.

And there are other things on my mind:

I've decided that the open house/craft sale I will have at my home in November will be for the benefit of the Living Room ministry. We're needing funds to ensure that we will be able to do our work - our work of spreading the Living Room movement - promoting groups everywhere.

I'm encouraged. This month a new group is starting up in Winnipeg and another in Langley. Please pray for Lorna and Jeffrey, the facilitators of these groups.

But we need many more. We need groups available to all people living with mood disorders and wanting faith-based support. Everyone should have the opportunity to talk freely about their mental health issues and their faith - in one place - knowing they will be accepted, not stigmatized as too often happens.

We are already at work, preparing for our presence at Missions Fest in January. This will be an opportunity to engage many of the thousands of Christians who come in discussion about mental health problems and what they can do to offer support. We'll have to work hard to make the most of this opportunity. It will take prayer and some creative planning. Just glad I'm not doing this on my own. Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries will be helping out. They are also planning on doing a seminar at the conference.

But it's costly being at Missions Fest. The booth is expensive. And it costs money to do the display. It will cost money to have materials printed to have available at the booth. I will work hard to create notecards, bookmarks and framed prints to sell at my sale in November. It's a good healthy thing for me to do. It's work I love to do.

But if you're not near Vancouver - not able to be at my sale - and would like to support the Living Room movement, don't forget, you can always donate via the Living Room website. Your donations would be hugely appreciated.

Yes. Lots to pray about today. My friend, my creative work for the open house, and Missions Fest. So good though to have a Big and Loving God to go to.

Soup for the gang

2011-09-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling so good today. So energetic and creative. Don't know why. A bipolar thing probably.

Connections Coffee House, our church's new venture opened last week and this is an exciting time. Almost twenty volunteers from the church have been trained to be barristas. But it's not enough to fill all the shifts that we would like to have open. So quite a number of people are working double duty, including Pastor Don.

Unfortunately, I'm not able to be one of the volunteers. Given my problems, the work would be a bit too stressful for me. Actually, it's not so much the stress that's my problem, it's my tremors.

I'm trying in every way possible to be a support though. I've been making notecards and bookmarks to sell. And in between things, I've been knitting dishcloths. I'm also producing a calendar with the title, "The Awesome Wonder of it all!" Fund raising efforts, though at this point I still don't know if the church is going to allow me to do what I would like. They don't really like to have a lot of fund raising going on and are still trying to draw up a policy surrounding that. Very frustrating for me who would just love to use my God-given gifts to help out. But I guess I'll just have to be patient and trust their judgment. I've put in a word on my behalf and am sure they will consider it.

This morning I woke up with notecards on my mind. I found a site online selling blank cards much more reasonably than I can get them in the store here. So I ordered 200. Too outrageously many maybe? Maybe. But that's the mood I'm in.

Then I emailed the Connections team, asking if I couldn't sell notecards at the shop. It would be my donation. All proceeds going to Connections. I just pray they will let me do that.

In the early afternoon I took a break, spending some time with God. What could I do to be of help? It occurred to me that with so many people busy at Connections and my pastor and his wife having a missionary family staying with them for two weeks, there was a need for food. People so busy and possibly tired could use a hand preparing meals. I could make some soup! I can think of all kinds of people who could use some soup around now.

So now I've got a triple batch of hamburger soup simmering on the stove. A huge stock pot full as well as a Dutch oven full. Good thick soup with lots of meat and vegetables. I'll have lots to share.

Late this afternoon I had word from the printer that the proof for the calendar is ready for me to look at. Exciting times!

Yes, I feel good.

Radical

2011-09-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

We had some friends over a couple of nights ago - nonbelievers. And one of them fell into a discussion with me, expressing his problems with religion and Christianity. He felt very strongly about the apparent narrow-mindedness of Christians.

But, I told him, we shouldn't believe in religion. Religion is man-made. It's what people have put together. The rules are man-made and yes, many are narrow-minded and have lost their reason for being. What we need to look at is Jesus, not religion.

Jesus was a radical. He Himself was against the religion of the day and fought against its narrow-mindedness. The Pharisees and Sadducees could only see their own way. It was like they owned the law, rather than God Himself. They felt threatened by Jesus who tried to show them a better way.

Jesus taught how the most important law is to love God and love our neighbours, even if our neighbours turn out to be our enemies. All the laws of God were wrapped up in this one thing.

If people who feel turned off by Christianity could only look past the religion, and zero in on what's at the center - Jesus Himself. It's Jesus we're called to follow, not religion. And this probably means that we ourselves have to become somewhat radical as well.

There's nothing boring or narrow-minded about following Jesus.

Dish cloths - a God thing

2011-08-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

We came back from our fishing get-away last night. Had a good time with not too many mood problems. It was good to be with others at the beginning of our trip. People to socialize with. Not so much time to think about myself and the way I was feeling.

On our long drive out to Fletcher Lake I had lots of quiet time to think. I realized how good it would be to be knitting or crocheting dish cloths in my free time, something I hadn't done for many years. I would sell them to benefit Connections, the coffee shop our church is opening up for the community. So in Williams Lake we stopped to buy some cotton yarn and a crochet hook.

Now, lo and behold, this was truly a plan planted within me by God. I'll tell you why it was a real God thing. My husband's friend's wife, someone who I don't have too much in common with, had - unbeknownsed to me - also brought a crochet project along to work on. This gave us something we could share in while the men were out fishing. Such an unbelievably good thing this was! God knew exactly what I needed at that time.

I'm happy now for this activity for those times when I feel like withdrawing. It fills a hole for me and helps me feel contented. I can knit and crochet while I visit my mother, someone who herself is always crocheting. It will give me something to share with Mom in as well.

Another thing I'm happy about is that my husband has agreed to let me have an open house in October to sell photographic items and other crafts (like dish cloths) - again for the benefit of Connections.

Right now I'm feeling very useful, with lots of creative projects to fill my time. I have an activity for every mood!

Creativity really is such a good thing to fight adverse mood problems! I've only felt the need to withdraw a few times while we've been away, and it didn't stick around. Thank God!

Roller coaster life

2011-08-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

I gave my first book the title of Riding the Roller Coaster and how apt that was. Have I ever been riding a roller coaster of moods and emotions over the past few weeks!

Yesterday I felt like a butterfly, newly released from its coccoon. I felt wonderfully free and prayed to God that this feeling would last for a while.

But it didn't happen. This afternoon I've been feeling like coccooning myself all over again. I want to withdraw - turn within myself, safe in my leather chair or on the bed.

I wish I could just sit and live in my own little world. But I have a fishing trip to prepare for. Tomorrow we'll take off for a week, spending some of that time with a friend of my husband's and his wife.

It was only a few days ago that my husband had to take my pills for safe-keeping. I know, that sounds pretty drastic. But people with bipolar depression can easily become suicidal - even though it may seem their life is wonderful and they have everything to live for. That's one of the crazy things about this disease. That's one of the tragic things that causes 30% of all people with bipolar disorder to take their own lives. It can happen all too easily.

I feel like writing - lots. And I've been peppering a close friend with many emails, confiding in her all the things I'm thinking and feeling. It feels good to share with someone who I know cares about me. It's less lonely. And I feel I need for someone to understand me.

This afternoon I've been wondering if I couldn't - somehow - turn this roller coaster into something good. Could I write something that would help others? Perhaps another devotional? But to do that, I have to learn something from all this, and at this point I'm not sure I'm learning a thing.

On my way to my mother's this afternoon, I was remembering what I had read in a book by Erwin McManus (I think it was him). "God pursues us with His love." What a wonderful thought! I'm a love sponge and am needing a lot of love now-a-days while I'm going through all this stuff. I will try to spend our time away seeing God's love expressed in everything I can: In what God whispers to me in my quiet times; in my husband's presence for me; in the beautiful things I see around me.

And, you know, I feel God's love most when I'm loving towards others. His love then reaches my heart in a big way. I will try to show my love to my husband and to his friends while we're gone. By giving love I will receive it too. Isn't that the way it always works?

But first I'll have to come out of my coccoon.

Thinking big

2011-08-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

The Living Room global initiative team held a meeting this morning. One of the questions I asked them was "Are we thinking big enough?" If we want Living Room to become a true movement, we've got to get out there and do everything within our power to promote it. Are we doing enough?

One of our members pointed out, "Yes, we are already thinking big." We have a workshop planned for September 17th. And we will have a booth at Missions Fest in January. Yes, I guess it's me pulling on the bit again. Wanting to do things before we're truly ready. Wanting to get everything done at once. This kind of work can only be done in little bits at a time.

She pointed out how we can gauge from interest at Missions Fest what to do next. Step by step, we'll gradually accomplish our goals - to help decrease stigma and help churches learn how to give support. Step by step, as God leads.

Our need for love

2011-08-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

In the end - to see us through our mood glitches - isn't all we need, to be assured that we are loved? And when that reassurance of love isn't forthcoming, we start to doubt God's love, don't we? We start to feel isolated and abandoned. And isn't that the worst feeling of all?

I believe the worst thing for Jesus wasn't the physical pain of the cross. It was that He was abandoned by His friends. Those to whom He had revealed all He was.

At least Jesus understands. And that's a source of comfort.

Finding meaning - part 2

2011-07-29T05:37:00.000-07:00

A long time ago I wrote an article that said some things that I feel might have been misunderstood. How I regretted saying some of the things I did!

I expressed my regret in a comment on the article. As a result, the director of Christian Info Society invited me to write a Part 2 where I could explain myself better.

That article is now online. I do hope you'll visit the Canadian Christianity website and have a look.

Wow! I feel so much better to see it there!

This is the day

2011-07-25T05:47:00.000-07:00

My off and on glitches of bad mood continue. Last night was not good. But this morning I was on the patio by 4:45, listening to the birds as I watched it get light. Such a wonderful time with God! Nice and quiet. Too dark yet to read or write. All I could do was sit in the stillness and sip on my coffee. This is the day the Lord has made.

Isn't it wonderful how God makes every day new? Isn't it neat how a good night's sleep will allow you to start fresh in the morning?

Then some quiet time with God, gathering strength and encouragement for the day. God is good.

This evening I have the promise of spending some quality time with a friend who means a lot to me. How I look forward to that! She doesn't very often have time to do this, so this is very special. I'm very grateful.

Yes, as we concluded at last Friday's Living Room meeting, we do need friends too. God wants us to have friends to whom we can reach out when we're in trouble.

Oh to be a David!

2011-07-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

I've been running into glitches - at least I hope that's all they are. Last week I felt depressed for an evening and a day and today I am once more. I'm doing all I can to try to escape. Trouble is, in my effort to stay afloat I reach out to friends and I think they're probably getting tired of me. They have enough problems of their own.

If I could only do what I will be talking about on Friday - the devotional I shared in yesterday's post! If going to God would only be enough for me!

But no, I feel a need to cry out and complain to people "with skin on," wanting to make sure I'm heard (and felt sorry for). This past couple of hours though, I've been reading and praying the Psalms. The psalmists have such good ways with words, describing exactly the way I feel. By reading the Psalms I'm encouraged to believe; I'm encouraged to trust. If only I could be a David, and talk to God the way he does and trust so whole-heartedly the way he does.

What consoles me is remembering something I've said a number of times: "I almost have to experience depression once in a while if I'm going to do the work God has given me to do." If I'm going to be a good facilitator and understand fully the people I work with and for, I need to remember what it's like to suffer in that way, don't I?

And that makes me feel there's a purpose to all this pain. It's not for nothing.

Jesus said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:8) At times like this I understand fully what He meant.

I just pray that all this will translate into a good, heart-felt delivery of the devotional topic on Friday - "Intimacy with God." I pray that God's power will be made perfect. And I pray that I'll go to God first while I go through this. I also pray that this is not the beginning of something bigger. I need to try nipping this in the bud in whatever way I can.

Intimacy with God

2011-07-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've been working on the devotional for Living Room for this Friday. As usual, this one grew out of my own experience, combined with the reading I've been doing.

A while back I was reading Traveling Light by Max Lucado. And I noted how he said that "loneliness is the absence of intimacy." He went on to say how loneliness could be looked on as a gift from God, because when we're lonely and have no one close who we can be honest and intimate with, we would be forced to go to God. He'd be the only one left to go to.

But I so disagree with him and I feel it was a somewhat insensitive thing to say. So many of us living with depression have a hard time going to God when we're in the depths.

I so very much need people with skin on too. A person I can have a coffee with. A person who will respond to what I have to say. I need more than God alone. I need the love of people who represent Him. I need a regular "fix" of people like this. The best are from my church family - people I worship with, people who are spiritually on the same page as me, people who will support me and who I, in turn, can give support to.

There are times when I'm so lonely. Often when depression threatens and especially when depression has taken hold. God seems further away and then I really do need to be reminded I'm loved. And I have found that God does love through people. People can, and have been, God's hands for me. I don't think loneliness is a gift as Lucado claimed.

In his book, One Life, Scot McKnight says, “The dream of Jesus [the kingdom of heaven] never lets anyone dwell in solitude.” So maybe it’s not so bad to need your friends? …but I suppose to rely on them is a bit different, isn’t it? In the end, God is the only one we can truly rely on, isn’t He? People will at times let us down. Our friends are needy as well at times. They can’t always be there for us.

But God is always there for us, even though at times He may seem distant. In fact, He longs for us to reach out to Him. We always long to feel God’s presence, but have you ever thought that God probably longs for us more than we long for Him? Brennan Manning even wrote a book called The Furious Longing of God. By “furious” he referred to the enormous vitality and strength of God – loving us with intense energy. How God wants us to spend time with Him!

A verse that really spoke to me and gave me a lot of comfort some time ago when I was going through a long and deep depression was Zephaniah 3:17:

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Only thing was, I was too down to be able to think of God rejoicing, singing, or taking delight in me. I left that part of the verse out. Mostly what I focused on during those painful days, was "He will quiet you with his love."

What can your church do?

2011-07-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today we launched the Eventbrite page, publicizing the workshop Living Room will be having on September 17th. If you know of anyone who might be interested in attending could you pass this info along to them?

Mood Disorders: What Can Your Church Do?
Creating a "Living Room" Peer Support Group

Saturday, September 17, 2011, 9AM–1:30PM
Burnaby, British Columbia | Brentwood Park Alliance Church

* Receive a better understanding about mood disorders.
* What does it mean for your church?
* How can your church help with the need in your congregation and community?
* What is a “Living Room” faith-based peer support group?
* Is a “Living Room” peer support group right for your church?
* Does your church have someone who could facilitate a group?

For detailed information check:
A workshop for church leaders and people with mood disorders

We'd so much like to see more people have access to faith-based mood disorder support groups.

Gone fishin'

2011-06-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

Just want to let you know I won't be around till July 4th. We've gone fishing. Well, at least my husband has. While he's out in the boat, I will have my head in books. I find it so much easier and better to read when we're away with the motorhome. Wonderful times I have then.

I also plan to work on completing a second book of devotionals to post on the Living Room website. Maybe I'll even get a third book started? Wouldn't that be nice?

Today we have a Living Room meeting, covering the second part of the devotional, "What is Your Dream? What is Jesus' Dream?" I hope everyone will get the message that God will take us further than we could dream of going. All we need to do is trust Him and follow where he leads.

And tomorrow...down the road we'll go. Yay!!

I'm including another picture from our Greek trip here. This is one I received a gold for at camera club last week.

Sanctuary mental health ministries

2011-06-20T21:48:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting today with Dr. Sharon Smith and Caroline Penhale who started Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries. They are giving workshops, giving church congregations the tools they need to deal with those amongst them who live with mental illness. Living Room is partnering with this new organization.

An exciting thing this partnership is. These two professionals are able to broach the problem of stigma in a way I'm not able. However, I'm able to fight stigma in a different way that they're not able to do. We come at the problem from two different perspectives and balance each other out. It's a great arrangement. We're gradually learning how we can best work together.

On September 17th Sharon and Caroline will come and speak at a workshop we're having to introduce churches to the Living Room concept. We hope this will lead to new groups for the Vancouver area.

Just for fun - something not having anything to do with mental health - I include another picture from my trip to Greece. I find it kind of mysterious: a wall that's not attached to anything and stairs, seemingly not leading anywhere. I think it should mean something, but I don't know what. What does the picture say to you?

Photographic interlude

2011-06-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

Last night I had such a wonderful time looking at my pictures from Greece and printing a few of them. I'll include my favourite one here. I wasn't able to print it very big, because it's only a small part of the original image.

Hope you enjoy.

Being creative is such a pleasure and such a good coping strategy for depression! Trouble is, the housework starts piling up. I need to do some work for an hour, and then reward myself with an hour of creative work.

Good plan?

Self-consumed

2011-06-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

At Living Room last Friday, someone brought up how self-consumed she always felt - both when she was depressed and when she was high. And it's so true. We do tend to be that way, don't we, though we don't want to be? It just seems to be part of bipolar disorder. One of the symptoms. All we can think of is our pain. Or, in the case of mania, our grandiose plans. So drawn within we become! Can we learn to control this tendency?

My husband and friends often tell me that they think I'm too consumed with Living Room work. Sometimes that's all I know to talk about. A case of hypomania perhaps? Other times I'm withdrawn, only able to think of how I have failed, of how I'm unworthy. Wrapped up in my emotional pain. All I want to do is sit and putter at little things, endlessly doing sudoku puzzles. Can't reach outside myself to even clean up a messy kitchen. So hard to reach outside myself!

Is this tendency something we can avoid and then not become depressed? From my experience this seems hard to believe. I'm always reaching outside myself, trying to think of others. But is it enough? Maybe I'm spending too much quiet time - too much thinking time - too much analyzing time, as my friend often tells me.

Rudyard Kipling, in his poem "IF" said, "Think, but don't make thoughts your aim." How I've had to remind myself of that over the years! And - being the writer and philosophying person I am - I do spend a lot of time thinking. But that's not all bad, is it? Yet I need to balance the thinking time with doing time.

Today - and once in a while in previous days - I've felt on the verge of depression. Can I ward it off by reaching outside myself? Is it possible?

Mental illness and Christians

2011-06-03T05:52:00.000-07:00

I recently received an email from someone who had some questions for me - questions that are not easy to answer. However, I would like to try, and I will do it here on my blog, hoping that others might want to join in the discussion.

This person wrote the following:

"...lately I've turned to Christ in a more serious way (in the past I was so disintegrated that I simply couldn't grasp what faith in Christ meant on a heart level). I know I'm saved now, especially because the Holy Spirit has turned my thinking upside down to a more Christlike view. My soul is literally changing, reflecting the fruits of the Spirit. The problem is, the physical/emotional systems remain unabated. I'm somewhat catatonic, with most of my life spent in front of the TV in a fetal position when things get really bad. Suffice it to say I'm not literally experiencing the peace, love and joy promised by the Scriptures.

Question: How do you handle your pain and issues when things really get bad? How has it affected your Christian walk? And if I remember correctly from the excerpt from your book, you suffer from off again - on again bouts of bipolar disorder. Are there times when you simply shut down? Do things get so bad that you feel that you can't handle it anymore? I've been doing lots of online searches to find people's viewpoints on these issues, but so far they have been elusive."

John (not his real name) talks about how "the Holy Spirit has turned [his] thinking upside down to a more Christlike view. [His] soul is literally changing..."

This is such a good thing, John. You are going through a transformation - the kind of transformation that happens when you start to follow Christ in a real way. But transformations happen slowly and there will be setbacks when you suffer symptoms of your illness. But what I've found is that every time I go through a hard time, even to the point of considering ending my life, I come out - at the end - being a stronger person - especially when, as I go through the bad stuff - I try to hang on to God's hand. I keep trying to trust, though it can be hard. (sorry for this long sentence)And, each time I recover, I've changed a bit - I've become a bit more transformed.

Jesus suffered in a great way too. Consider what He went through at Gethsemane. God fully understands what we go through and we can gather comfort from that knowledge. We're not alone in our suffering. He will help us carry it. Try to hang onto that promise.

Over the past few years, I have prayed much for an other-centeredness. A not-thinking-so-much of myself alone. These self-consumed thoughts and feelings are natural to have when you're suffering and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself having that tendency. However, if you can, it's great if you can try to think of others - of their needs - of how you can be of help to them.

I fail at this when I'm having a really hard time. And yet, during my last big depression, I read in a book about how we don't live for ourselves alone. And how that comforted me! It's not all about me! And for a short while I was encouraged. Likewise, when I was suicidal, I asked my pastor to please remind me of why I should live. He responded, "The reason you live is so that you can give others a reason to live." That encouraged me greatly and I tried to hang onto that thought.

2 Corinthians 1:4 has come to mean a lot to me.

"Praise be to God...the Father of compassion...who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

As you become more and more transformed, John, you will find an ability to be more and more compassionate to others who suffer as you do - more and more Christlike. You will have the ability to help others bear their suffering, because you'll understand them better than anyone else could. You'll be greatly blessed as you share of yourself with them. You will experience the peace, love, and joy promised in the Bible.

But the road will be rocky. Transformation does not mean you'll never suffer again. You will have many setbacks where you will have to hang on for dear life to your faith in a loving God. But each setback should eventually lead to making you a bit stronger.

Surround yourself with people who will be able to support you as you go though those rough times. I pray that you will be able to find friends in your life who will be God's hands for you, when God Himself seems far away.

Leaving for awhile

2011-05-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

Just want to let you know that my husband and I will be off on a holiday for the next three weeks, so I won't be online.

My son and his wife and I were talking last night about what blogging should be. And, I'm sorry I haven't done very well at it lately. Not only haven't I posted; I haven't been visiting other people's blogs. I'm so very sorry! Don't know what's happened to me. Just haven't been able to focus on it. Too much off-line stuff in my life, I guess.

And yet, I know how important it is to keep those on-line ties. They were so important to me at one time. I made so many friends. And I know the blogging ties would still be important to me if I would just keep them up.

Ughh!! Sometimes I wish I had several lives that I could live: child photographer, Living Room organizer, peer counselor, writer, good wife, and fantastic blogger.

Maybe I should quit the blogging altogether. Maybe Facebook would work better for me at this stage of my life.

...thinking...

Representing God

2011-05-04T21:22:00.000-07:00

A few days ago someone told me about a friend with a mental illness who had lost her faith in God because she had been rejected at church.

How that upset and angered me! How sad that is!

Why would Christians be so unloving? Don't they remember that it's Christ they're supposed to be following? Jesus, God on Earth, the One who showed us what love truly is.

God loves us through people. If we are Christians we are called to be God's representatives. Do we represent Him well?

In his book Soul Cravings, Erwin McManus talks about the level of trust we need to be able to have with others who are part of an authentic community - which the church should be. He said, "Honesty is the only context in which intimacy can develop." We need to be able to be honest with God's people, all of us recognizing that each of us is a flawed human being. "It makes it easier for me to remember that God will never reject me because I'm not good enough and that any community that has His heart will embrace me as I am. Jesus invites us into a community where imperfect people can find acceptance, love, forgiveness, and a new beginning."

If every church community could only be like this! Welcoming honest sharing. Welcoming people, though they might be different. Reaching out to people who need to be reminded that God loves them.

Good Friday, five years ago

2011-04-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

I sent the following to Living Room facilitators and would-be facilitators, as well as Living Room supporters. Thought it would be good to share here as well. Never know how many would-be facilitators might be out there.

Happy Easter to you all!

My thoughts have been turning back lately to the Good Friday exactly five years ago when Pastor Don invited me to read a bit from my not-yet-published A Firm Place to Stand. With the reading I shared some of the emotional battles I had faced and how I could see that Jesus fully understood those battles. In a different way, He had faced similar battles. He fully understood my pain. What comfort that gave me! It's so important to be understood, isn't it? And then to be able to share that pain with God, the greatest Comforter of all!

After that reading, three people came up to me to tell me their story of pain. They could relate to me too!! And they found comfort in knowing that I was a "safe" person to talk to. Neat what happens when you share your personal emotional battles. It gives others permission to share their own battles as well.

And that's the beauty of our Living Room groups. That's what we do at Living Room.

I was amazed how good it felt to have those three people be so honest with me. What a privilege it is to have someone share in that way with you! As I wrote in my book, I felt a lot like Patch Adams did in the movie when he found out he could connect so well with the people in the mental hospital where he himself was a patient. "I connected to another human being!" Like Patch Adams, I found out that I too reallly wanted to listen to people and learn about them. I wanted to help them with their troubles. And I wanted to do more of that. I wanted people with mental disorders to have the freedom to talk about their problems in a Christian setting - safely. This is how the idea for Living Room germinated.

I gave a speech yesterday for the Reformed Church's Eirana Support Service's organization. Afterwards, a man who told me he struggled with depression came to talk to me. He told me how he would like to be part of a Living Room group but did not feel he could facilitate. Yet he also told me how he was sitting on a park bench awhile back when a person - out of the blue - told him her life story and her struggles. He told me how good it made him feel. Without knowing it, he was doing Living Room work. In my estimation, he's a person who could facilitate.

Yet I know how scary it can feel. I was scared as well before I started my group the first time. Could I do the work?

But I came to think of it as what it really is. It's not my work at all. It's God's work. All I have to do is to be His feet and hands. All I have to do is follow Him. All I have to be is His footsoldier. And then the work comes naturally.

At this Easter time when we are thankful to God for giving us Jesus - this anniversary of the germination of Living Room - I wish that attitude for all of you. Can you look on the work you want to do with Living Room as God's work? It isn't yours at all. All the power comes from Him who gives us strength. We only need to follow Him.

And then, how wonderful it is to serve Him!

All the best to you. And Happy Easter! May the sun shine on you and within.

marja

Back to photographing

2011-04-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

I had the delightful opportunity to photograph a friend's 3 1/2 year old grandson. Such a good, but busy time it was. He's an active little guy, so not easy capture at times. The neat thing about him was that he was almost always smiling. I managed to get a good series of him while his grandmother was reading to him, his expression constantly changing as he delighted in Winnie the Pooh.

As often happens, I did not feel I was doing particularly well capturing images, and yet - when I came to editing the ones I had - I still had a good bunch of successes, with good variety.

Good to be distracted a bit from my Living Room work. The photography helped bring the balance I need in my life. At times I tend to get obsessed with Living Room, but - thank God - I'm presently able to do a wide variety of things.

This afternoon I was engaged in a Living Room activity. I visited the group in Abbotsford and talked about my life and how the Living Room concept came into being. It was a most enjoyable time I had. I was able to express myself the way I wished and I think some of the people may have been inspired by what I had to say. I pray that I left them with a message of hope...I think I did.

My next project will be to finish up my cookbook. Should tell you, though, the cookbook has evolved into a book called "Happiness is...: Celebrating my hobbies. Sharing from Marja's kitchen and camera." ...or something like that. I'm still working on a good title. All the recipes are entered and now the fun job of inserting photographs will begin.

But...I must keep my life balance and can't sit at the computer all the time. The sun is shining in Vancouver and I must get into the outdoors as well. I need to get out and walk...and my muskoka chair is waiting.

Reaching out

2011-03-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

I had a call from someone I didn't know last night. She had huge anxieties and depression and was reaching out. Looking for someone who could give her an answer to her problems. Looking for someone who could alleviate the pain. And yet, all I could do was to listen with compassion. I could have prayed with her as well, and am sorry I didn't. Somehow I didn't feel I understood her well enough at the time to be able to pray. I should have tried though. But I was tired and all I could do was listen.

She reminded me of myself when I'm deeply depressed. Then I also reach out, looking for someone who might be able to help me. Looking for someone who can take away the pain. And yet, there is so little we can do for each other in cases like that, isn't there? Except to show each other we care and to remind each other of God's love. And assure each other that this pain won't last forever. That doesn't help much though. When you're deeply depressed it feels like it will never go away. Hard to believe otherwise. You cannot see the light. You cannot feel hope.

How we long for someone to just fix us when things are so bad! It's so hard to trust in the pills, in the doctor...and even in God. So hard to believe in a better future! And yet it is trusting - it is believing - that does help you recover. It takes time and patience.

This morning I'm praying for this lady out in the Valley. I'm praying she will recover soon. I'm praying she will believe that she will recover. That God is there for her, looking after her. Just wish I'd done that last night, while she was on the phone with me.

God's gift of creativity

2011-03-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

On Friday we'll be discussing creativity at Living Room. This is one of my favourite subjects. Such a juicily interesting thing to discuss!

I'm a very creative person and it's mysterious to me how ideas and inspiration come to me. I'm often in awe of what God has helped me produce. Not that I'm such a wonderful artist. I feel very little has to do with my own efforts. Yes, I put forth the time and energy, but I know the actual creativity - the talent and ability - come to me through the Holy Spirit.

Look at the cookbook idea that I've told you about in an earlier post. That was such a good idea, I know a good thought like that could not come from me alone. The inspiration for it was planted within me by God. Spoken into me by the Holy Spirit. I simply cannot take the credit for as good an idea that. That project has benefited me so much! I'm enjoying cooking again. I'm sharing recipes with friends. I'll be using photography in it, another activity that's important for me to keep up. And, it has been good for my marriage. The way to my husband's heart is very much through his stomach :))

And how the Holy Spirit is alive within me as I work to capture candid photographs of children! The process is exciting, captivating and satisfying.

God gives every one of us creative gifts. He has made us in His image, and - being the greatest Creator - creativity is part of what He passes on to us. Creative gifts include more than just arts such as painting, music and photography. Planning a party or other event, decorating a home, cooking dinner, are all creative pursuits.

How we need to be thankful for the creative gifts God gives us! We need to use them and develop them. Life truly becomes meaningful when we use our gifts to serve God and others. But, don't forget to simply enjoy what God has given you too. Praise God for your gifts and use them to enjoy all aspect of life.

What creative gifts did God give you? Are you using them?

A goal for living room

2011-03-10T16:11:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

I feel so bad that I don't write here more, especially when I'm reading neat stuff and thinking neat things I would love to share, if I could just take some time.

Pastor Don also gave an inspiring sermon on boldness I wouldn't mind sharing more about. But I'll let you hear it yourself. The sermon can be heard on the Brentwood Park Alliance Church website, here. The questions Don opened with were:

What is it that you would care enough about to take a stand regardless of the risk or the cost to you personally?

What would be your motivation to take such a stand?

There is one thing I absolutely do need to share with you at this point though. The Global Living Room initiative which is dedicated to giving access to as many people as possible to Living Room groups, now has its own fund set up. We can now accept donations and will have a "donate" button on our website soon. This will mean more freedom to really get to work spreading the word about this form of faith-based Christian support for people with mood disorders.

Two days ago we set a goal - an ambitious goal - but I believe one that is within reach. We want to see Living Room in all communities in the Greater Vancouver area and the Fraser Valley by the Fall of 2013. At the same time we will continue reaching out to the world beyond this corner of Canada, encouraging such Christian support in communities elsewhere.

A group started recently in Miami. And another group is close to starting in Atlanta. A young adult group will have its first meeting tomorrow at Simon Fraser University. Please pray for the facilitators of all these groups. Please pray for the many people who could benefit from this faith-based support.

Tonight I'm going to camera club and will enter the picture above in our print competition: Bougainvillea from a Greek isle.

Finding meaning...revisited

2011-03-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

“Mental illness is not all bad.” That’s how I began an article about finding meaning in a life with bipolar disorder several years ago. How I regret having written those words today! I know the message I was trying to convey with the piece, but using those words tend to make it look like I was making light of disorders that I know from experience are serious and cause unbearable pain.

Mental illnesses ARE bad, as some of the comments on this article pointed out. But I also know that we need to adopt a positive and hopeful view.

At the time I wrote the piece I was thinking of what the apostle Paul said in Romans 8:28: “…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I truly believe that and have experienced it in my life.

Yet we need to recognize the honest truth. Mental illness can be devastating. As many as 20% of people with manic depression (as bipolar used to be called) take their own lives. It causes break-downs of relationships. Many lose the ability to support themselves. And then there’s trying to deal with people’s misunderstanding…the stigma…!

I have found meaning in life. Abundant meaning. But that doesn’t take away the suffering mental illness causes me and so many others.

Last year was very unstable for me, with much rapid cycling – periods when my moods shifted rapidly from low to high. Many times these shifts would happen within hours; sometimes within days. I never knew how I was going to be. There were sleepless nights and almost total loss of appetite. Eventually the rapid cycling gave way to solid depression and anxiety. Often I felt riddled with feelings of shame and guilt. I didn’t like the needy person I had become. I had to cancel out of commitments, feeling terrible to have let people down. I became suicidal at times, at one point asking my pastor to please remind me why I should live. Such is the loss of reality and perspective depression can bring on.

But I continued spending time with God daily and in between the bad times found much joy and comfort as well. At sunrise one morning I made one of the most meaningful photographs I’ve ever done. I considered it a gift from God, revealing to me His awesome nature. Yet I continued to be unstable. The effects of bipolar disorder are not easy to shake.

At times my husband didn’t trust leaving me on my own, giving up two or three fishing trips he needed for his own enjoyment and emotional well-being. His usual patient and laid back attitude gave way to emotional struggles of his own. Our relationship suffered. For the first time in our 42 years of marriage we needed counselling. Thank God, the counsellor was a good one who helped us learn how to weather the storm together.

In early December I had an idea to gather all our favourite recipes from our life together. These will become a little book to share with friends and family. This project helped me focus on cooking and made what had become a difficult chore into a hobby again – a source of enjoyment. This healthy activity did much to stabilize me. I can now see how such inspiration did not come from me alone. It was very much a gift from God.

I don’t think I would have appreciated such a gift without having gone through some tough times. I don’t think I would have as great reason to be thankful. I, along with the psalmist David, can sing “…and yet I will praise him!”

In New Light on Depression, (Zondervan, 2004) the book David B. Biebel, D.Min. wrote along with Harold G. Koenig, M.D., he said, “Having one's capacity for serenity and joy restored is little compensation for the agony of despair, much less the 'despair beyond despair.' The only true compensation for depression has to do with the sense of purpose and fulfillment that comes from redemptive involvement with others in distress, sharing the comfort we've experienced. This is the true route to joy." [emphasis mine]

How true that is! I’m now able to give support to others who live with mental illness through my faith-based Living Room support ministry for people with mood disorders. I can share with others what I’ve learned about God’s unfathomable love. I can offer heart-felt compassion because I understand the pain of depression. How good that makes me feel! That’s my compensation.

Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 1:4 hold true for me as I work with my ministry. I praise God “who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received.”

This is how I found meaning…and joy.

Cringing with regret

2011-02-22T16:40:00.000-08:00

In 2007 I had a piece published at canadianchristianity.com with the title "Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder." This also happens to be the subtitle of my book A Firm Place to Stand.

Since then 19 people have commented on that article, some of them quite upset with me, especially with my opening line, "Mental illness is not all bad." I have often wished I could rewrite that article, leaving out that line. Because, as people commented, it IS bad. It's like saying cancer isn't all bad. I guess what I was trying to say was that good can come out of trials.

But I agree with those who commented, bipolar disorder is a horrid disease. I believe I myself said in a recent post how I hate this disorder. Last year was a very bad year for me.

This morning I wrote a comment on my own article, saying how I would like to eat my words. I was so wrong to talk the way I did.

I've been invited to write a follow-up article and think I will do that soon. A good project to keep me occupied while I'm without a voice.

I would love your feedback on the article and any thoughts you might have on the topic.

I can't talk

2011-02-21T13:58:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. Over the past week I've had a doozy of a cold. And now, starting yesterday, I completely lost my voice. All I can do is whisper. What a strange feeling to try and say something to my husband and have almost nothing come out. When I want to tell him anything in the least involved, I email him. Weird, eh? I hope I get over this soon because this is really slowing me down.

While I've been sickly I've worked on making Spanish bookmarks for a mission team from our church to take with them. My goal is to make 500 with 15 or so different designs. A lot of work, but I know they're well appreciated, so it feels good to make them.

But what I really want to get going on is working to help more Living Room groups get going. I want to explain Living Room to church representatives, getting them enthused about the ministry. I have some ideas, but first I need a voice so that I can discuss them with my team. How frustrating when you really want to move ahead but things get in the way! Ah well! I need to have patience, don't I?

...And yet, I always feel a sense of urgency when there are things that I see need to be done. I've been reading Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus, previously published as Seizing Your Divine Moment. McManus writes about the importance of passion. On the back cover the book is described as

"a call to live a life of blazing urgency. We have but one life. We are given one opportunity to pursue our dreams and fulfill our divine purpose. Every moment counts, and we must engage them with fierceness and zeal. Put an end to passive observation, paralyzed by the need for perfect opportunity, and start seizing the raw, untapped potential of your life with God."

That sounds like the recipe for a life of adventure, doesn't it? And that's what Living Room has given me - a life of adventure. I thank God for the journey. I thank Him for the privilege.

The best anti-stigma tactic

2011-02-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

On February 9th the Vancouver Sun published an article on the difficulties of removing the stigma of mental illness. Amongst other things, he wrote about the World Psychiatric Associations anti-stigma pilot program conducted in 1996. The program tried out various approaches but found that although people became better informed about the biological basis of mental disorders, their attitude did not change significantly.

Some of the things McKnight does report about the program's findings are very encouraging to me and make me realize that perhaps I'm on the right track with my personal efforts to reduce stigma amongst Christians.

McKnight writes:

"...the pilot program found that by far the most effective way to change attitudes was to engage people in an emotional experience, and the best way to do that was to establish contact between people with mental illness and other members of the public."

"...it's important for members of the public not simply to have contact with psychiatric patients, but to see and hear from successful members of the community who have battled mental illness. ...most members of the public only see mentally ill people when something negative happens, and this is something anti-stigma campaigns must counter.

"Beyond that, the research suggests that campaigns are most effective when they're relatively small, manageable and sustainable, and when they're targeted to a specific audience. Different groups of people differ in their attitudes, after all, hence the best programs are ones designed to address specific attitudes."

This points out to me how important it is for Christians who have - or have had - mental illness to be open about it and educate their church families. Those who are doing well in life would especially be doing a great service if they would tell about the struggles they've had with mental illness.

But, given the stigma that exists, this takes courage. There is always the danger of alienating your Christian friends, especially those who harbour a deeply ingrained stigma or belief about mental illness. It takes a person who is passionate about making the world a better place for those who suffer with mental disorders. It takes compassionate people who want to see these people benefit from a loving and accepting Christian attitude. It takes someone who cares enough to make it possible for suffering people to be encouraged - not discouraged - in their faith.

Are you one of these people? Are you a respected member of your church community who has in the past lived with mental illness? Do you want to take part in making the world a better place?

Tell your story to your church family. Once you've made the topic an ok one, you'd be surprised how many people will come out of the woodwork.

Collaborating with God

2011-01-26T07:10:00.000-08:00

I've always wanted to live in God's presence - aware of Him, moment by moment. Yet it's a hard thing to do. The world is so with us, isn't it?

The devotional I've been reading every morning has some neat thoughts on it: Living in God's presence is like collaborating with Him. Our work becomes infused with His presence. "It is not longer laborious but delightful: more like play than work." Hmm, sounds like my cooking now-a-days. Last night I even enjoyed cleaning up my kitchen because I played some neat worship music while I did it. Yes, that was living in God's presence. The work became like play. And all of my kitchen work has become part of the cookbook project - the creative pathway God has planted in me.

Over the next few weeks I'll be collaborating with a psychotherapist, constructing a recovery narrative. This is part of a University of British Columbia study to discover the impact of personal narratives. We had one session already. And that - because it's collaborative - is turning out to be like play as well.

The writing process involves me telling my story to the therapist and her getting it down in note form and on tape. Then she transcribes it and sends the results to me in bare bone form. I then edit the results, writing in my own voice.

Now, I've done lots of writing on my own. It's hard work trying to formulate thoughts and getting them down. But the rewriting and editing I did yesterday on what I had done with the therapist was fun - more like play - not work at all. Collaborating with someone made it easy.

It's that way when we make God part of our day to day life, isn't it? It's that way when we follow His leading - the pathway He shows us. It becomes easy. In Matthew 11:30, Jesus says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

My devotional has Jesus saying, "Whatever you do, do it for Me - with Me, through Me, in Me. Even menial tasks [like dishes] glow with the Joy of My Presence when you do them for Me."

How true!

Hope in the Lord

2011-01-22T19:03:00.000-08:00

My devotional guide's verse this morning was Hebrews 10:23.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

The guide asks me to think about a time when I felt God had let me down. And I think of the hard times I went through last year. I really never through that time felt let down by God. I felt let down by my disorder - by the meds that are supposed to be keeping me well. But no, I never blamed God or felt He should have prevented it all from happening.

Today my husband and I are just very grateful that I've stabilized and am able to live normally again. I can see that God planted a creative pathway within me to live a healthier life, a life not focused to such a huge degree on one thing - Living Room. Not that Living Room isn't important to me. It is. But now I'm spending more time cooking and looking after my husband, something that had been lacking for awhile.

My cookbook project may seem like a trivial thing, but the good it's doing me and my husband is huge. I look forward to cooking and enjoy looking for recipes and making my grocery lists. What was a chore has become a hobby again. It has helped lift me out of depression and given me something fun to give my energy to. I fully believe that God planted the idea for that cookbook within me. It's the creative pathway He showed me to a healthier balance. And - most of all - this makes my husband very happy. He feels like he's got his wife back.

God is faithful.

While I'm strong...

2011-01-19T14:19:00.000-08:00

I last wrote two weeks ago, telling you that I was doing well. And lo and behold, I'm still doing well!! I hope this will be the trend for awhile. In any case, I'm trying to do all the right things to stay healthy: getting plenty of rest, eating well, exercizing, and staying active with purpose for every day. I'm also following a daily devotional guide that leads me through an overview of the Bible and gives me Bible verses to meditate on. I'm trying to lean on God and not live on my own strength.

Only thing I have to make sure of now is that I take a Sabbath day on a regular basis. And that's tough. I'm not sure what a Sabbath day looks like for me. It certainly doesn't mean just sitting around being holy. What can I do and what shouldn't I do on such a day? I believe that Mark Buchanan, in his book The Rest of God, mentioned that it's mostly doing things that you don't "have to do." (Not absolutely sure if he's the one who said that or whether I heard it somewhere else.)

I was pleased to be asked to give a speech somewhere. And, as usual, I had to do a lot of soul searching. Should I agree to do this? How will I know whether or not I'll be well enough when I do the presentation in April? I never know where I'm going to be mood-wise, so it's very tough to make commitments. Yet I so much want to do this kind of thing. There is so much I'd like to share. It's another way I can follow through on my desire to educate Christians about mental illness and to reduce stigma.

But I did accept the invitation, thinking that I could start writing the speech now. If it were all written out, I could always read it, even if I were depressed. It must seem kind of strange to you to be starting to prepare a speech it January when I don't have to give it till April, but that's the way I can ensure that I can be relied upon.

Today, while I'm strong, I'll picture myself standing in front of that group of people, telling my story, teaching, encouraging them to support people who, like me, have a mental illness.

It's wonderful to feel strong and in control. I thank God for seeing me through a very rough year. He's taught me a thing or two through the trials I experienced. And I pray that I will be a better Living Room facilitator as a result.

And today...while I'm strong...I will write. Yes!!!

My dream

2011-01-06T09:58:00.000-08:00

This morning my devotional planner quotes Philippians 4:13: "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." It talks about being a risk-taker for God's kingdom and asks the question: "What is your spiritual dream?"

That question started me thinking afresh of how my dream has been to significantly reduce the stigma toward mental illness in the church. How I would like to make things better for those who struggle with mental illness! How important it is for them to receive good support from their church families! To be encouraged in their faith, and not discouraged.

This is what I've been giving my life to over the past few years. This is the work I believe God has called me to. And what a huge work it is! And how privileged I feel to have been given a good start on it with Living Room!!

This past year has not been a good one for me health-wise. But I feel emotionally strong right now. How I pray that these better moods will continue so that I can continue the work I started! But as the verse above says, "I can do everything through him." I will trust God to the best of my ability. I will lean on Him for my strength. And I will always try to remember that it's God at work, not me. I'm only His footsoldier, carrying out what He leads me to do.

I so appreciate having a team behind me now. People to share with. People to help guide me. It has been so very important to me to know I'm being prayed for and still believed in - though so many times I stopped believing in my own ability to carry on. Today I feel strong. Please pray that this feeling of strength - this trust in God - will continue for me. God has taken me so far and I know He can carry me further still. Those are my feelings this morning.

God's passionate love for us

2011-01-03T08:49:00.000-08:00

I shared the following with my Living Room group this morning, but want to copy it here, knowing it will benefit many of you as well.

I feel compelled to share some more with you - the journey I'm on - the things I'm reading that touch me. Because I'm thinking some of you might be touched as well and it would be wonderful if it would do something for you as well.

I'm reading Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus the second time around.

McManus talks about how awful it feels when we love someone but our love is not returned. "...if God's love is immeasurable and unending, as the Hebrews describe him, how deep and profound must be his sense of sorrow and rejection. If anyone knows the pain of a love unreturned, it must be God."

He goes on to say "This is the story of God: he pursues you with his love and pursues you with his love, and you have perhaps not said yes. And even if you reject his love, he pursues you ever still. It was not enough to send and angel or a prophet or any other, for in issues of love, you must go yourself. And so God has come.
"This is the story of Jesus, that God has walked among us and he pursues us with his love. He is very familiar with rejection but is undeterred. And he is here even now, still pursuing you with his love."

Mc Manus speaks to all of us - people like you and me who have such a deep longing for love:
"...God is going up and down the streets of the city, traveling the most obscure paths and untamed wilderness, walking on unnamed roads in the most desolate of places, searching for the one he loves - and that one is you and me and every human being who has ever walked this earth, has taken a breath, and has longed for love."

And how we need to love God, eh? This passionate God who loves us unconditionally, no matter who we are or what we might have done or not done. This Jesus who loved us so much that He gave His life for us. How it must hurt Him when we don't return His love!

My prayer for you this morning is that you'll feel God's love touching your hearts today.

Making a hobby out of a chore

2010-12-30T18:33:00.000-08:00

Such a neat thing when something that was a chore becomes a hobby!

Through most of my marriage cooking was a hobby for me. I enjoyed trying out a wide variety of recipes, eager to see the results. My thinking was that if I had to cook every day I might as well make a hobby out of it. I might as well make it fun.

Now this truly spoilt my husband because, over the past few years it has become something I had to do - a chore. My time and energy went into other things. My husband felt I was failing him. He was so accustomed to having interesting meals - something different almost every day of the month.

Now that I've decided to gather all our favourite recipes from those years into a cookbook, I've become almost obsessed about cooking...well - pretty high on it, anyway. What fun it is to go through my boxes of cookbooks and uncover all those recipes for things I used to cook! I always made it a habit to put remarks with the recipes I tried, because if I didn't I'd never remember what was good, or excellent, or not worth making again. That's making it easy going back now.

The fun thing about cooking good meals is that you want to be able to share them with people. Now I'm starting to dream up dinner parties with various people.

Next week Wednesday my son is coming over for his birthday celebration. I'll be making his all-time favourite, Six O'Clock Twist. Rotini with a very cheesy sauce including bacon. He's been raving about it to his gourmet-cook wife. I remember him telling his Grade Two teacher about it over thirty years ago and bringing her the recipe. Hmmm...I wonder if he'll still like it as much as he did then, now that he's grown accustomed to his wife's great cooking. We'll see.

My splintery platform

2010-12-28T10:16:00.000-08:00

Several weeks ago I turned over leadership of my Living Room group at Brentwood Park Alliance Church to my co-facilitator, Mark. I thought my emotional health was too unstable and wanted a strong facilitator for the group. My on-again off-again depression was proving to be too much. Thought I should have a break and return when I was stronger. (I attended the last meeting, but left everything to Mark to run.)

I've had a good rest, turning my energy to cooking and to spending more time with my husband. Now I'm wondering whether I'm ready to return to full leadership. I hesitate because I still have down times. I'm still not stable. But - I wonder - will I ever be completely stable? I expect not. Does that mean I should not lead a Living Room group? I don't think that's the case.

I think facilitators who deal with mood disorders are always in danger of falling into depression or rising to mania or hypomania. When these problems get bad it's so good to have a co-facilitator to take over for awhile. But I'm learning that I'll never be perfect and I should take back the leadership when I've started doing better - when I've had a chance to have a good break.

A friend gave me Dear Jesus, a devotional book written by Sarah Young. Those devotionals are proving to be the perfect thing for me to start my early morning quiet times with.

This morning's devotional helped me in my struggle to decide whether or not I should return to leadership. The author - and I along with her - asks Jesus:

Dear Jesus,
"I want to be available for the display of Your Power and Glory. But I feel more like a splintery, unfinished platform than a polished ready-to-use stage. I may not even be safe enough for Your performance, since some of my boards aren't nailed down properly."

and Jesus answers:

"Beloved, no matter how polished you might become, you could never be good enough for the display of My radiant holiness. However, I have chosen you to reflect My Glory, despite your imperfections. Moreover, your weakness is the ideal stage for the exhibition of My Power. Your part in this drama is to look away from yourself and gaze at Me in My awesome splendor. Forget about your unworthiness and delight yourself in My glorious Being. Watch while I perform great things for you."

Yes, I need to look away from myself and my imperfections and look at Jesus. I need to forget about the feelings of unworthiness that have been plaguing me and think about Jesus and what He can do...and all He has done. I need to say to myself, "Forget yourself, Marja. It's not about you at all."

I'm preparing my heart for our next meeting on January 14th. Looking forward to sharing Jesus with others who suffer from mood disorders. Looking forward to sharing how He can work in us and through us, in spite of our imperfections. As Jesus said,

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Blessed Christmas time

2010-12-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

What a blessing my strategy to fight depression by planning a cookbook project! Although I've struggled with on and off lows, I've been motivated to cook and bake - to gather all our favourite recipes from the over forty years we've been married.

Taking up a new creative project has been my coping technique for dealing with depression almost since I first started having bipolar disorder. It helps me keep my head above water. It gives me a purpose for the day - something more colourful than the chores - more colourful than the things I have to do.

This is my third day in an up mood. So good to feel this way! Today I'm baking Stollen, an involved recipe, but I've reserved most of the day for this job.

My husband gave me a wonderful early Christmas present, Brian Doerksen's new CD, Level Ground. I believe his songs have in large part been responsible for bringing me up, for encouraging me. How the words speak to me! They are perfect for people who deal with mood disorders. On his website, Brian says,

"Worship is not always about bringing God our best and brightest. Sometimes it's about bringing God our pain and grief. Sometimes it's coming just the way we are! God wants to give us more than permission to feel - he wants to step into the middle of our feelings and be present with us; even in our suffering . . . even in the middle of our emotions. So let the tears flow . . . let the laments be sung . . . and don't even think about apologizing!"

I'm feeling so well that I'm tempted to invite my Living Room group for an open house. Someone has to eat all those cookies! But a friend and my husband are warning me against it. My road has been far too rocky lately. How can I be sure I will be well enough to handle the stress?

Darn!

Nevertheless, I will enjoy what I do have planned. My son and his wife and my mother are coming to have a turkey dinner with us. And we're planning on having a couple - old friends - over for New Year's Eve.

We will have a good Christmas. And I hope you will too.

My prayer

2010-12-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

I read a prayer written by Max Lucado in his gift book called Shaped by God. How that impacted me! How I want to make that my prayer! How I would like to be drawn from the fire - well again, firm and solid so that I can be God's instrument! But you know what? I think it's starting to happen.

Lucado writes:

Ah, to be your instrument, O God,
like Paul to the Gentiles,
like Philip to the eunuch,
like Jesus to the world,
...to be your instrument.
To be like a scalpel in the gentle hands of a surgeon,
healing and mending.
To be like a plow in the weathered hands of a farmer,
sowing and tending.
To be like a scythe in the sweeping hands of a reaper,
gathering and using.
To be...an instrument for noble purposes.
To be honed and tuned,
in sync with your will,
sensitive to your touch.
This, my God, is my prayer.
Draw me from your fire,
form me on your anvil,
shape me with your hands,
and let me be your tool.

Jane's letter to God

2010-12-16T08:26:00.000-08:00

Jane from startingitover sent me a comment to my last post that I think would be better published here as a separate post. I thank you very much, Jane, because I found great encouragement in it.

Jane wrote, "When I was in the hospital, I wrote a "letter to God" when I felt in the state you are in (I had posted it on my blog)... and it's a letter of pain, but one that pleads of hope. I'd like to share it with you."

"Letter to God"

I am going to believe that you haven't created depression and you haven't left me. I am going to believe that even though all I see is darkness all around me, that you are beside me and you are light. I am going to believe that you love me and care for me and I am not alone because you are with me, even though I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I am going to believe that you keep your promises to us to have a life full of hope and purpose instead a life full of damnation and suffering. But just because I believe all these things, it doesn't mean that I feel them.

I feel the opposite of what you promise. It makes it difficult to want to be alive. I feel worthless and confused. I feel hopeless and insecure. I feel sad and scared. I want to run and hide. This darkness... perhaps it's a gift to hide the terrible emotions that are attached to my very soul. All the sleep... perhaps it's a gift to ignore the voices I hear when my mind is tired. All the withdrawal from others, perhaps it's a gift to others that I am not spreading my negativity and a gift to myself from creating a bad impression.

There is no conclusion. I am going to believe that you wrote a good end to this story and that in time, i will be exposed to the ending that you have in mind, not the ending that i have in mind when i'm in this destructive state. I guess for that, healing needs to take place. I know you heal. But i don't understand your timing or ideas behind healing. I guess one day I'll find out.

Love, Jane

Isolation

2010-12-15T16:16:00.000-08:00

I can see why most people isolate when they're depressed. People don't know how to respond to you when you're untalkative and glum. And it's so difficult to pretend to be cheerful when you don't feel it inside. It's so hard to be sociable. And you feel so unlovable, though you need love so badly. So...what do you do?

You hide and suffer in silence.

I've tried reaching out, but it doesn't feel good. I feel I'm a bother and am putting a damper on everything for everybody.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death (Psalm 13:1-3)

David sure understood. What a comfort to read psalms like this and realize I'm not alone with such thoughts.
"But," he says "I trust in your unfailing love"

At least, you understand, God. You have compassion. "Thy compassion it fails not." I pray that I'll find sufficiency in the knowledge of your love.

Not for myself alone

2010-12-15T07:35:00.000-08:00

Several weeks ago, when I was in huge depths, feeling very bad about myself - feeling ashamed for how needy I had become - I read something that encouraged me. In a Yancey book I was reading he said something like "We don't just live for ourselves alone." And this reminded me that I shouldn't think so much about myself - about how I feel and about how I'm behaving so pitifully. I can reach out to others with what I'm learning through all this. Perhaps not at this moment, but sometime in the near future.

This morning I read something I had underlined in my Bible:

This is how we know what love is: Jesus laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. (1 John 3:16)

That's how I would like to be. How I hate what this disorder does to me when I think so much about myself! It's not how I want to live. I want to be other-centered. And I pray this morning once more that God will help me be that for others. To live for others, and not just for myself.

This morning I'm not feeling great. Plans I had made to make peppernuts with a little girl would, I think, be too ambitious a project for me. I don't know if I'd have that kind of energy. I don't know if I'd be a cheerful companion for her.

I will focus instead on helping my husband with a project of his - bottling some wine. I can be myself with him and he would appreciate my help and my company. If I'm going to be there for others, I need to start with my husband. If I only have a little bit of energy to put out, I need to spend that energy on him. To live for him, the partner God gave me. That man who has given me such great support for 41 years.

With thanksgiving

2010-12-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

I continue to struggle some days, and other days feel like I've turned the corner, only to find I haven't. But this morning I feel good. And for that I'm thankful.

Yesterday, as I was dealing with anxiety issues and searching for God, so wanting to feel Him close, I stumbled on an old Living Room devotional about practising God's presence through giving thanks. I quoted Mark Buchanan from his book, The Rest of God:

"The best way I know to embody...Godward orientation is thankfulness. Thankfulness is a secret passageway into a room you can't find any other way. It allows us to discover the rest of God-those dimensions of God's world, God's presence, God's character that are hidden, always from the thankless."

I've been thanking God this morning for my ability - in spite of the way I've been feeling - to find satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment in cooking and baking. And my current interest in cooking is encouraging me to invite close friends over to share meals with us. Nothing fancy. Just a basic meal is what they'll be getting. But I WILL use recipes that are special for us. Favourite dishes that will go into my cookbook.

This morning I think of my dear husband who is so enjoying my cooking and showing his delight. How fortunate I am to have him. He's so patient with me as my moods keep shifting. So comforting when I'm feeling low. The way to his heart is definitely through his stomach. You should have heard him chatter eagerly as he ate his supper last night. A neat thing from a man who doesn't generally talk a lot. Such a good thing that I'm able to cook right now! Thank you, God, that in spite of my low moods I'm able to do this.

I've been reading Philippians 4:6-8. How true Paul's words are! How I need to take them to heart! "...in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present [my] requests to God." and think about all good things: "whatever is true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things."

Praise God! This morning I'm thinking good things.

You hem me in

2010-12-10T07:45:00.000-08:00

Such a comfort it was this morning to read Psalm 139. Isn't it neat how reading scripture will affect you in different ways each time you read? Depending on where you are emotionally?

I'm thankful this morning that I feel like tidying the house. I really feel like doing things. Not with a lot of energy or a lot of joy, but I want to have things in hand so I can continue on with the project that is giving me a sense of purpose right now - the cookbook project. That's what I'm hanging onto right now.

...and it's high time I prepared our house for Christmas. I need to do some decorating - get in the spirit.

I love Psalm 139 - where David says:

Where can I go from you Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

Yeah, off and on lately, I've been making my bed in the depths. But this Psalm promises that He is there with me. I can rest in that assurance.

It's a Living Room day today. I've turned over the leadership to my co-facilitator until I'm feeling stronger. Right now I feel I need to be supported and don't feel as strong about giving support. So glad I have someone in place to take over that role.

I will focus on doing the things I feel I can best do. Putter around the house. Try to make Christmas happen as well as I can. One day at a time. Just very thankful that I feel up to things today. Very thankful to know that God is with me - through all my ups and downs.

My response to God

2010-12-09T06:54:00.000-08:00

I had a good day yesterday, a blessedly good day. The day before had been an awful one - one of the worst. Yes, I seem to be going up and down again. Better than having every day a bad one though, eh?

Yesterday I went for a workout and baked two batches of Christmas cookies. I felt so encouraged. And I prayed hard that this upswing would continue. I begged God to help my good mood stick around.

But this morning - as I'm not feeling quite as positive - as I'm feeling a worn-ness, I wonder if begging God for wellness was really the right attitude to take. Shouldn't I just have faith that He WILL help me overcome? Rather than this begging, shouldn't I just trust?

In his book The Land Between, Jeff Manion wrote how "Our response to God while in the Land Between [the trials we go through] is what will determine whether our journey through this desert will result in deep, positive growth or spiritual decline." As the Israelites, wandering in the desert, needed to trust God to provide, I too need to trust God...daily.

God is with me, whether I'm up or down. I need to find encouragement in that knowledge. I need to realize that, even if I don't "feel" his love, it IS there. And I need to rest in that knowledge and wait patiently for Him to lift me out of the mire and mud of my low times.

Ah, but it's the nature of the disease to forget all about that, isn't it? It's the nature of the disease to feel like things are hopeless. What a tragedy!

And yet...today I will trust. I will have faith. God is good and He will provide what I need for today.

When a glimmer comes

2010-12-05T23:35:00.000-08:00

As I'm riding on waves of depression, I'm reminded of how important it is to take advantage of the occasional glimmer of light that comes along - those times when I become interested in doing something that might offer a way out.

I felt good about myself a couple of days ago when I managed to bake my husband's favourite cake for his birthday. Then I came across an old recipe for a favourite meal I used to make years ago. I cooked it up for his birthday dinner and had my son and his wife come and share it with us. I felt good about myself. Quite a switch from the way I had been feeling.

Stumbling on that old recipe reminded me of a project I started years ago, putting together a collection of our favourite recipes. And, I thought, maybe changing gears will get me out of this funk. Maybe I should pick up that old project again and publish a little cookbook. My 65th birthday is coming up next year. What better way to celebrate than to gather together all my favourite recipes from a lifetime of cooking?

I remember many years ago how I often picked up a fresh new project whenever I felt depression coming on. Quite often that was exactly what I needed to get me interested in life again. And two Christmases ago, during a particularly bad time I put together a calendar using my flower photography. That helped make my mood a little less black. Yes, I believe creative projects can do much to help a person through those bad times.

So tonight, after spending half the evening in bed, feeling quite miserable, I got up and started looking through old recipes. I picked out some that needed to go into the book for sure. And I picked out others that I'll have to test again to make sure I want to include them.

What is particularly good about this project is that it will help me get interested in cooking again. And I know for sure that will make my husband very happy.

Yes, when that glimmer of interest in something comes, we need to take advantage of it. Grab hold of it and do it. Just do.

Unforced rhythms of grace

2010-12-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

My pastor pointed out Jesus' words in Matthew 11:28-30 to me yesterday, verses that have given me great encouragement in the past. The NIV version reads:

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

How often I've felt burdened and stressed and needed that kind of rest! So encouraging that Jesus promised us a yoke that is easy to bear. These words help me so much to want to follow Jesus - to do as He did; to live as He did - as much as I can. These words are comforting and give me a feeling of peace. They promise that I can follow Jesus without stress. Not like I have been doing lately - the kind of stress that burned me out and caused such depression.

Eugene Peterson's version in the Message has an even greater impact on me:

28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Yes. I've been tired and worn out. Burned out. I want to recover my life, to get my passion and energy back. And all I have to do is to walk with Jesus and live the way He did. Actually, not such an easy thing to do. But there's a promise here that a better way to live can be learned. Jesus promises not to lay anything on me that is too heavy or ill-fitting. How comforting to know that!

God has equipped me to do a work for Him that only people like me, those who have lived with mood disorders can do well. And that's to comfort others who suffer as I do. That kind of work is not heavy for me. It fits me well. But I need to walk close to God. I need to keep company with Jesus.

Unfortunately, my bipolar disorder causes me to have moods that make all this hard to do. During episodes I start feeling and thinking in ways that I truly cannot help. I'm so thankful though to have friends who will help remind me of the way God wants me to live. Friends who will help kick me out of depression by reminding me that I'm loved. Friends who will help me regain proper perspective. This kind of support is priceless.

Great is Thy faithfulness

2010-12-03T09:02:00.000-08:00

Last night as I talked to a friend about how depressed I've been lately and the hopelessness I felt, she reminded me of how it is teaching me how to be sympathetic to others who suffer as I do. And that provided me with a glimmer of something positive that I know will come out of this. Because yes, it's compassion that has provided me with the most meaningful work I've had in this life - the building of a Living Room ministry.

This morning I once more sat - as David so aptly described it in Psalm 139:8 - making "my bed in the depths." Feeling quite sorry for myself. Feeling quite hopeless.

A friend's email woke me up when she said, "Which verses are you going to lean on today?" and "...what are you going to do today that will help you be more positive? What is something you can do today that will give you a sense of enjoyment and fulfillment?"

My thoughts went to my other friend's comment last night about compassion. Another glimmer of hope. And I thought of the hymn that always draws an abundance of tears from me when we sing it in church:

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

I am reminded of God's great compassion and love for me - something these lyrics always bring home so clearly for me. I am also reminded of Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5;

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

At this moment I feel encouraged. I don't always have to be a victim of this illness. I can turn around and use what I learn to help others.

I just pray that during the waves of negative thinking I've been experiencing the encouragement I feel at this moment will last. I pray that this will provide the food I need to keep me going.

Before I had support

2010-11-16T17:12:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, before I had the kind of supportive friends I have now, I spent months at a time in my bedroom. Only coming out for meals and to try to do small things like emptying a dishwasher or tidying a bit. Most of the time, though, was spent in the bedroom in deep depression. I don't remember at those times having anyone I could reach out to. My husband pretty well left me alone, immersed in his projects. Those projects are probably what helped him cope with my condition.

And I wonder, is it the support of close friendships - truly loving relationships with godly friends - that have kept me in more recent years from such very long isolated depressions? Is that how reaching out has benefited me? I don't know. I just don't know. All I know is that I have some very special friends now to whom I can talk about my feelings and thoughts.

Thing is, I feel I've been over-burdening two or three with phone calls and emails - to the point of clinging, something I'm very ashamed of. That isn't nice for anyone, even those who understand what I'm going through. I wish I could change, and yet I feel powerless to do that. Do any of you have such problems?

Not nice to think of yourself as someone who is a bother to others. It isn't like me to be that. I want to support others, not be a burden. And I do support many. I have supported many. Yet that doesn't count for anything when the tables are turned and I am the one who's having a hard time.

A couple of years ago I attended a meeting of suicide survivors - family of people who had committed suicide. The stories they told was that most of the people who had taken their lives did so because they hated so much being a burden to their loved ones. I hate that too. I hate being the kind of person who clings for dear life to her friends - searching for a way to have her needs met. So needing to hear that she is loved. How I despise that about myself! How I despise my self-centeredness at times like this!

I know this is all part of the depression I'm living with. These are symptoms many of us suffer when we're that way. I know I'm not alone. And yet I wish I could be stronger.

I've been focusing on scripture this afternoon. It helps me feel better, but the better feelings don't last. I just pray I can escape this soon, though these feelings have been such a big part of what I've lived with lately. I wonder if I will ever overcome them and become the strong me again. The supporter me.

The pain of being misunderstood

2010-11-16T11:08:00.000-08:00

I have a need once more to talk about the need for understanding of people with depression. I've done a lot of writing on this topic, trying to build understanding for the sake of those who live with mental health problems.

Unfortunately, recent experience is showing me that it is impossible for a person to be fully understood by someone who has never experienced depression themselves. In actual fact, talking to such people about your pain is dangerous. It can lead to more pain than the depression itself. You set yourself up for rejection and we all know how painful rejection can feel. It can be worse than the depression itself.

The only truly safe people to talk with are those who have been there. Or - the very rare person who walks so closely to Jesus that he/she is willing and able to give himself fully and understand in the way He understood. To be compassionate, in the midst of not having been there themselves is a rare thing. It takes the person who is - for a little while - willing to put him/herself in the shoes of the suffering person and to suffer with this person - in the way Jesus did. Few people are able to do this. Everyone has their own life to live - their own problems. And, when we're depressed we do tend to be awfully self-centered - not a very becoming thing. In the midst of our problems, we do need to strive for other-centeredness.

This shows me how important it is for those of us who do understand, to comfort others in the way we have been comforted. To love in the way we've been loved by our most merciful Father in heaven. At least to remind each other of His great love for us.

We who live with mood disorders so badly need each other. We so badly need to encourage each other to go to that most compassionate person of all - Jesus Christ. He suffered greatly for all of us. He too was rejected by friends who didn't understand what He was going through. His disciples slept in the Garden of Gethsemane while He was suffering. Not willing to stay awake and be with Him. Not understanding the severity of what He was dealing with.

He knows what suffering is and knows the pain we feel. His pain was far greater than ours. He gave us His all. Can we give our all to each other? Kind of doubtful. We are human and self-centered, especially when we're in the midst of depression.

We need to turn to Jesus. But we also need our friends around us. As friends we need to show each other the love of Christ, because that's sometimes the only way we'll remember that He's there - through the hands of another Christ follower who will show God's compassion to us in real terms.

Let's reach out our hand to others who suffer, in the name of Jesus.

All the more makes me believe in Living Room, though at times it can be a difficult responsibility to bear. We who lead Living Room continually need to turn to God, the One who can strengthen us, in spite of our great weakness. It's God's work, after all. Not ours.

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

"His understanding no one can fathom." How wonderful to have Someone whose understanding is greater than we could ever imagine. We need to rest and find peace in that knowledge.

Where is God calling?

2010-11-07T20:42:00.000-08:00

At the bottom of my emails is a quote I get something out of each time I read it. Always something else. Always new and different, depending on where I am in my life. And my life - like everyone's life - is forever changing. Always something different to focus attention on. Always different things happening. Some troublesome stuff; some good stuff. Joyful times and sad times.

But I'd better get to the quote. I want to share it with you and see how it might affect you in your life:

"The place God calls you to is the place where your
deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
- Frederick Buechner

Over the past few years God has called me to different places, each of them exciting and wonderful. Each of them a challenge. Each of them doing good in some way. Each of them bringing me to a place that straddled my joy and the need I saw in the world. It was always a narrow place to be - a narrow part of the road God took me on. Always a narrow focus to address some very particular needs.

I wrote a book called A Firm Place to Stand in an effort to help Christian readers (both those who have mood disorders and those who need to understand them) realize that it's possible to have a mental illness, yet maintain a close relationship with God. And - in spite of having a severe mental disorder - to actually find some meaning through the living with it.

And I started Living Room, a Christian peer support ministry for people with mood disorders. It started with a group that met in my church's basement and has now grown to ten groups in Canada. I'm sure though, that there are many more groups than this, judging by the many who have ordered manuals and down-loaded them off the Living Room website.

Now, at this point of my life when I'm reaching 65, I feel God nudging me again. Nudging me to make changes in what I do with my life. I feel nudged to return to my photography. I'm a child photographer at heart and long to spend more time using this gift God has given me. I've never mentioned my photography website here but would like to invite you to have a peek at an old site that I have up. Just to share with you this joyous part of me. Please do have a look at www.candidsbymarja.com.

And so I'm praying: "Where next, dear Lord? Where should I spend my next few years? How can I best serve you at this stage of my life? Where are You calling?"

And...what does Buechner's quote say to you. Where is God calling you today?

Mom at 96

2010-11-01T06:41:00.000-07:00

Last week I took my camera when I visited Mom. I had wanted to photograph her for a long time. At 96 she still has such a wonderful spirit, in spite of her dementia. "Pleasantly confused" is what the staff at her home call it. How fortunate I am that she is still so good to visit!

In spite of her old age and her 25% vision, Mom will not put her crocheting down. She absolutely needs something in her hands to do. If she didn't she would feel useless. And she's not ready to be useless. So she makes afghans for babies, as well as some for adults.

The yarn she's working on in these pictures is not the easiest to work with. She complains about how it keeps splitting as she works. I've offered to buy some different yarn for her, so she can leave this project and work on something easier and more pleasant. But no, true to her spirit she is determined not to let this blue yarn go to waste. So she perseveres. I admire Mom's perseverance. She doesn't give up, even when things get difficult. I've seen her work for hours, trying to unravel a tangled ball of yarn, not wanting any to go to waste.

It makes me wonder, is that where I got my perseverance from? Is that how I inherited my never-giving-up attitude about the work I'm engaged in? Is that where I got my desire to always make new things happen? Whether it be photography or a writing project? Is that - together with my dad's equally creative spirit - how I came to be the person I am? I don't doubt it.

And, I mustn't forget her joyful spirit. She frequently feels lonely. Not many visitors, no friends left, fairly immobile. Yet she remains cheerful - most of the time - friendly towards the other residents in the home, not needing much to bring on a smile. She does love people. Something else I've inherited from her.

Today I feel fortunate for what my parents have given me. They weren't perfect parents - as, I suppose few are - but I need to be thankful. For they helped make me what I am.

Writing - putting it all on paper

2010-10-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

In a promo to his new book Philip Yancey said, "For a writer, nothing really counts in life until you put it on paper." What Good is God? sounds like it's going to be an excellent read and I've already ordered a copy, looking forward to its delivery. Yancey is such a wonderfully honest writer, a writer after my own heart.

And what Yancey said here is so true for me. As my life carries on I'm finding more and more that I really am a writer. There are very few things that happen to me, very few things I think or feel, that I don't feel compelled to share in some way - whether it be in emailed letters, articles, books, notecards, blogposts, or speeches that I write out. I like to send comments to what others have written, and yet so precious few other people do.

I'm constantly puzzled why others don't seem to want to share in the way I do. So much I write receives no response. A point of view I expressed via email to a group of members of my church - something I had hoped would spark some written discussion - received responses only from the pastor and one other person. And when I posted a comment on a church online forum, no one responded.

But I guess not everyone has time for such things. And I guess it's not as easy for everyone to write letters. I'm learning to understand.

I send many emails to friends and receive great satisfaction and comfort from sharing with them what's in my heart. And yet I wonder, are they getting tired of me? When they see my name in their inbox, do they think to themselves, "oh no, not another one"?

And yet I can't not write. Each email is a necessity in my mind, though my husband calls it an obsession. Don't know if it is or not. I comfort myself by thinking, "I'm a writer. That's what I do. That's what I need to do. That's what God made me to do." I feel like Yancey feels, nothing in my life counts until I've written about it.

The positive about depression

2010-10-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, especially those who today happen to be feeling depressed but need a bit of a lift. I understand how hard it is to recognize the positive in something when all you can feel is the ugly feeling of nothingness. But will you try?

In 2007, at a time when I had far more wherewithal to blog than I do today, I wrote the following. I'm hoping it will encourage you.

I've had Susan Bernard's post on depression open for days, intending to add some thoughts it stirred up in me. But I've been too lazy to use my head for a while and have - I'm sorry - had to put off blogging for a while. But today is the day I will try to address it.

Susan quotes from a book by Jonathan Zeuss, M.D.:

"Depression is a quest for vision; its essence is transformation. Depression wells up and encompasses us for a time in a state of painful, dream-saturated formlessness, but its true purpose is to provide the opportunity for healing insight, renewal, and reintegration..."

One of my favorite books on depression is New Light on Depression by Harold G. Koenig, M.D. and David B. Biebel, D. Min. Much of the book deals with depression from a Christian perspective. I think it's Biebel who said, "...depression's saving grace is not that it can be conquered but that it puts depressed persons of faith in touch with deeper truths about reality, spirituality, and themselves than might otherwise be known." (Yes, I think I understand more about life than those for whom life has been easier.)

He goes on to say - and this is a little bit of a different positive angle I can really relate to:

"Having one's capacity for serenity and joy restored is little compensation for the agony of despair, much less the 'despair beyond despair.' The only true compensation for depression has to do with the sense of purpose and fulfillment that comes from redemptive involvement with others in distress, sharing the comfort we've experienced. This is the true route to joy."

In my own way, I've found a purpose that I probably would not have had, were it not for my bouts with the effects of bipolar disorder - especially the depression. I've come to think of depression as fodder, something bad out of which good can come. Though I suffer as much as anyone while I'm going through it, I know it will help me to help others. And helping others IS "the true route to joy." It truly is.

And, today, the purpose I found for my struggles - the formation of Living Room - is alive and well and last month celebrated its' fourth anniversary (even though we didn't actually have a party, or even a cake. Maybe we'll do that next year, when we're five years old).

Another thing I need to draw note to. I wrote in 2007 how depression had been the major thing I had to deal with in my bipolar disorder. Today I can honestly say, the main thing I deal with is hypomania. Most of my struggles now involve not going higher, or more joyful, than I should be. But I have a lot of support and a psychiatrist who has a good understanding of me and the meds I need (though I think he's a bit befuddled right now).

This is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. I hope you all have a great day, whether you celebrate alone or with family and friends. I hope you'll be able to count your blessings, even if you ARE depressed :))

Global anti-stigma bike ride

2010-10-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

A man called Michael Schratter is riding his bike across 30 countries and 6 continents to raise money and awareness about mental health and to battle the stigma surrounding mental illness. You may have heard of him. He keeps this blog as he rides. http://www.ridedonthide.com/blog/ Apparently he's all alone on this journey - no companion.

A couple of weeks ago Bev Gutray, executive director of CMHA, BC Division encouraged me to let people know of his trip so that they can help him somehow. I know, myself, the best I can do is to keep him company through blogging - making comments on his blogposts. Letting him know he's not alone. I do hope I will find the time to do so, but will do my best.

Might you be interested in doing the same? Could you put yourself in Michael's shoes and realize what it's like cycling so many miles...alone - for the benefit of people with mental health problems? For the reduction of the stigma that still exists? What a great sacrifice he's making!

Would you be able to donate to the cause?
Would you be interested to share your story at www.ridedonthide.com?

Go to http://www.ridedonthide.com/how-you-can-help/ for a variety of ideas of how you could help.

Any of these things would be greatly helpful.

And...tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day, at least here in Canada. And if it's not Thanksgiving where you live, I pray you will have lots to thank God about, nevertheless.

In need of a lifesaver

2010-10-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

I wrote the following in November of 2008. I don't remember writing it, but there are clues there that make me realize it was indeed me. I can still relate. I still have the same needs at times. Though I do know I have a lot of supportive friends, I do sometimes wish that I did not have to reach out to them as much as I need to. And I do wish they would call me a bit more often when they know I'm in trouble. People do tend to be afraid to contact friends suffering from emotional problems. I think it's understandable. It's so hard to know what to do or say when you haven't experienced such troubles yourself.

I’ve wanted to write for long time about how Christians could best offer support to their depressed friends. As someone who has needed support for over forty years of struggle and having given support for the last two, I believe I am well qualified to give such advice.

Today, after over a month of increasing depression, I wish someone would call me and throw me a lifesaver. Though people say they care and that they’ll be there for me, they seldom call and I feel that to call them I would just be a bother. I call them, but that’s not like being thrown a lifesaver. It would be nice if they would reach out to me once in a while. Then I would truly feel supported and cared for.

I feel less and less able to do the things that are required of me, more and more wishing I could go on strike and forget about my commitments. I’m afraid I might sink.

How helpful it was to have a friend call with a plan to do some Christmas baking with her when I’m feeling better! That became a window of hope for me, giving light and giving me energy to do some things again.

My memory is poor - very poor. I don't even remember writing this. Neither do I remember ever actually ending up baking with this friend. Never-the-less, she did something wonderful for me in giving me something to hope for. She didn't push me to come and bake with her immediately, sympathetically recognizing that it was beyond me at the time. Such a comfort not to be pushed into something I wasn't able to enjoy just yet.

PS: Over the last two years since I have written that, I think I've learned something. I learned that others have problems too and that I should not always consider my needs greater than theirs. I need to - even in the midst of my own struggles - reach out to them and consider their needs too. I need to call them to find out how things are in their life. We all need to care for each other.

And you know, when I do that my depression doesn't affect me as badly.

Waiting patiently

2010-09-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

This morning, in scanning the Psalms, something I often like to do because I always find something that encourages and comforts me, I landed on some verses in Psalm 37 which I had marked awhile ago. It has been meaningful to me in the past and is again today. Might it be something that would inspire you as well? I'm quoting verses 3,4, and 7a.

Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of you heart.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him

We have to trust and keep serving Him while we rest in His goodness, eh? And we will need to wait patiently until the time is right for Him to give us the desires of our hearts.

My desire today is to have the strength to continue what I have been doing and to have a right hand person who has the time and passion to work alongside me on a regular basis. But I know too that I will have to have patience and wait for God's timing.

I hope you'll all have a wonderful Wednesday.

Talk about disorganization!!

2010-09-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

Hi guys,

Gotta share something with you. Next week the proverbial "poop" is going to hit the ceiling at my home. With so much happening in my life right now. With such trouble staying organized already, with a big award to accept next Friday and needing to at least look cool calm and collected for it, things are going to be upside down at my house. Will you pray for me?

The ceiling in the dining area of our kitchen was damaged due to a roof leak months ago. Now it has to come down, with loose insulation from above it coming down with it. A new ceiling has to be put up. We have someone coming next Wednesday and the work will take about a week to complete.

That means emptying out that area of the kitchen from everything in there - the cabinets with dishes, cookbooks, all the junk that has collected over the past many many years we've lived here. And I will start having to pack up china as soon as I can, not leave it to the last minute - because things are always coming up that need more urgent attention.

And there will be dust!! Oh, will there be dust! Seeping into everything. Will we even be able to stand living here while this is going on? Don't know about me. Maybe I'll live in my bedroom for awhile. That's always a good place to hide away in.

...and on top of all that, we'll be putting up fresh wallpaper (which we still have to select) new carpeting, new window covering, and a new light fixture (my husband no longer likes the macrame one I made years ago).

I don't do well with stress. And...talk about stress.

Well, at least this morning, during my quiet time, I was able to write up an acceptance speech to give at the award ceremony on Friday. It will take some editing I'm sure, to make it truly ready, but the pressure on me for that has pretty well evaporated.

Today is housecleaning day. A day to be domestic. How I welcome Saturdays! Time to tidy up the many messes that have accumulated over the week. I've put on some of my favourite music. Can play it loud today since my husband is out for awhile. I'm not bothering anybody.

And maybe I'll even be able to start packing away some dishes today. I'd be ahead of the game.

Next week WILL come together - with some good planning - and keeping God at my side.

Let us not become weary

2010-09-17T06:46:00.000-07:00

This morning I opened my Bible and - almost immediately - came to Galatians 6:9, a verse I underlined long ago:

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

And, as my mind thinks on, I remember some people who I've heard rest totally in the Bible's message "by grace are ye saved, not by anything you do." They might quote, as one example, Ephesians 2:8:

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.

And yes, God saved us - not because of what we can do for Him. However, we should not take what Paul said out of context. We need to read on to what the next verse says. Ephesians 2:10:

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

God created us to do good work. He created us to help bring God's kingdom to earth. (As Jesus taught us to pray, "Your kingdom come Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven) Wouldn't our lives on earth be far more useful and satisfying if we could work for Him who has done so much for us? Wouldn't we have a lot more joy when we bring in a harvest? Let's not give up doing what we believe in. We don't need to get weary. Not when our strength comes from God - and He's always willing to supply us with that strength when we rely on Him - when we do His work.

Ah, it felt good to share that with you!

Well, Max my cat is asking for his breakfast. And I guess I should have mine as well.

An award - wow!!

2010-09-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. I need to share with you some exciting news. Something happened that blew me away. Two days ago I received a call from the executive director of the Canadian Mental Health Association, BC Division, telling me they were honouring me with their Outstanding Community Volunteer Award. I'll copy here what she sent me in an email:

"The Board of Directors of the Canadian Mental Health Association, BC Division would like to honour you with our Outstanding Community Volunteer Award for your dedication and commitment to creating better understanding and support for people with a mental illness through your work in faith communities. Your establishment of the Living Room, a church-based peer support group for people with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders is an example of creativity, innovation and support. Your approach to partnership with the Mood Disorders Association of BC to ensure there were trained facilitators and appropriate resources is an example of building on the strengths of existing mental health resources to reach out to a broader community. You have made a difference not only in your life but in the lives of many. You have made the discussion not only ok but safe and supportive in the faith community. THANK-YOU on behalf of the volunteers, staff and branches of CMHA throughout BC."

I've been feeling dazed ever since I heard. It's so humbling to be recognized in this way. So good to know that my work has been noticed and that it is considered important.

At the dinner they want me to talk about what a difference Living Room has made in my life. How have I been changed by it? How have I changed in the process of helping other people?

It will take some thought to answer that well. But I know one thing. I will have to tell them how I have had to rely on God in a big way. I could not have done the work I've done without His power, without receiving strength from Him by going to Him daily. Living Room is God's work and not my work at all. All I've had to do is be His hands and voice for Him as I followed where He led. It's the only way I could have done the work I've been doing. I could not have done this on my own.

Courageous people needed

2010-09-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

I realize that I need to write again. Have had the urge - feeling the pressure to express the many things that have been coming to mind lately.

One thing I'd like to comment on is an article with the title, Misconceptions, an excerpt from my book, A Firm Place to Stand, as published on the Hope and Healing website.

How angry and frustrated I felt as I wrote that! I haven't felt that way for quite a while. Guess working on changing things - being in the thick of responding to the injustice of stigma with the Living Room peer support ministry - has helped lessen my anger. Because I know we now have something to counteract it.

We now have a place where Christians can go and talk openly about their mental health problems and be helped spiritually at the same time - given full love and acceptance. Christians with mood disorders can talk freely here, secure in the knowledge that they won't be judged.

Now all we need to do is make Living Room available to more people. No small task. It's not easy to start a new group. Many things need to be in place. Each group needs two facilitators, spiritually mature people who have developed the skills to cope with their own mood disorder. Each group needs the support of their church and their pastors. They should also be able to form a partnership with a mental health organization that could help them with resources and - if possible - some training.

All this might seem overwhelming to many who would like to help. They need a passion, a deep desire to help others and a trust that God will help them - knowledge that they're not doing this on their own. These would-be facilitators need to be willing to step out in front of their congregations and openly share what they're struggling with. They need courage.

Ah, if you're reading this and have considered starting a group, please don't let all this discourage you. Remember that all good things - all the injustices that have been part of history - had to be fought hard for by courageous people courageous people who are willing to pray and step out in God's help and strength and power. This is how the world was gradually made a better place. It is how the Kingdom of God has to be built.

Are you willing to work for God's Kingdom here on earth? (Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven) Are you willing to improve the lives of Christians who live with mood disorders? Do you want to help encourage them by reminding them that they can rely on a God who loves them immeasurably? Would you like to fight for what is right, rather than be a victim of injustice?

Do you have that kind of courage?

Bipolar no fun

2010-09-06T19:19:00.000-07:00

I've been toying with the idea to post again, though my moods are still not stable. I'm finding I'm rapid cycling and even at times having mixed moods - depression and high together at one time. Don't ask me to describe it or tell you how it works. It just does.

But I need to write. To express all the thoughts and feelings that I have inside. So much on my mind.

What prompted me to post now, at this point, is the re-publishing of an article I wrote a long time ago. How I regret having written that piece! How I wish I could take it back! But it has been published in quite a few places and there's no way to go back.

The title of the article is "Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder", which also happens to be the subtitle of my book, A Firm Place to Stand. The latest place it was published was here.

I wrote (cringe) "Mental illness is not all bad. I have lived with bipolar disorder for over forty years and have found it has many benefits. I couldn’t imagine living without it and am not at all unhappy with my life." And - oh my goodness - I want to take that back.

Bipolar can be horrific. It can ruin relationships, break families apart, totally make life unbearable. I am finding that now. It's taking all I've got to try to cope. It's taking all I've got to keep trusting God. It's taking all I've got to try and make me a person my husband can bear to live with. This is so hard on him!!

Yes, having this disorder has helped make me the person I am - creative, compassionate, and I draw close to God daily. But I'd rather not have it. I'd rather my life were easier. I'd rather I wouldn't make a fool of myself as often as I do. I'd rather be able to have better control over my emotions. How I wish I could be stable!!

Today I had to back out of a speaking engagement because I simply couldn't commit, didn't know how I would be at the time of the event. There are too many things I simply daren't do, because the stress of it might trigger an episode. When I'm well I can speak quite well. But when I'm down I simply shouldn't try.

Yes, I've accomplished a lot with Living Room. But I'm finding myself less and less able to keep up with the work I've started. And I long for someone who could eventually take the baton from me and run strong, in good health, able to lead an army to champion the cause of Christians living with mental illness.

So, yeah, bipolar disorder is a bummer. I wish I could be normal. And yet, I need to say with the psalmist, "and yet I will praise God." He's my only hope.

Taking a wee break

2010-08-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

I feel bad that I haven't posted anything for awhile. It's been hard to focus on it. Though I know I'm depressed, please don't think things are hugely bad. But I know I have to pace myself. Unfortunately blogging is one thing I will have to put on hold. I truly hope it won't be too long - because I do love to share here.

Take care and may God bless you.

marja

Distractions and uncertainties

2010-08-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, have I been wanting to write here! But the time never seemed to be right. There have been so many distractions in my life keeping me from doing the reading and writing I would just love to do. Yet, I have been photographing. And that's good.

The photography has been good relief from all the heavy stuff that has been happening for me lately. The pictures here were taken at our church picnic a week ago. I've come to look on photography as a form of worship. So glad I've been able to focus a bit on that in the midst of the troubles and uncertainties I presently live with!

My mother is still in hospital, so we are still uncertain as to when we can take a break away or whether we'll be able to get away at all. Last Tuesday was especially difficult. While my husband and I visited her she had a heart attack - mild, but I could see we almost lost her. Things turned out ok though. She recovered and today she is perky, crocheting in her bed and wanting very much to go home.

That same Tuesday two other close friends were admitted to the same hospital. Thank goodness, though. One was sent home yesterday. And the other one is doing delightfully better.

On top of all these happenings, I went to the Willow Creek Leadership Summit on Thursday and Friday. Such a wonderful event! I learned so much! Though I must say it was an awful lot to take in. One of the speakers said it was "like drinking from a fire hydrant." That's one reason I played hookey Thursday afternoon. Another reason I skipped out was that I was fed so much good stuff Thursday morning that I needed to go home and digest it and journal about it.

The topics I found so useful were on team building and casting vision. I so need to try harder passing along the passion I have for Living Room to the people I'd like to work with. Because yes, I am trying to build a team to help me with the broader work of Living Room - the work outside my own group that meets at my church. In September Living Room will have its fifth anniversary and I have for a long time very much needed a team, built of people from my church, to help me carry the vision forward in a stronger way.

But right now it's summertime. And I need to take some time to relax and read. Time to get my mind away from Living Room. Time for myself.

Today I pray to God that I will be able to discipline myself to quieten myself and spend some time reading and focusing on Him.

Mom

2010-08-01T03:31:00.000-07:00

It's 3:30 in the morning and I am wide awake, ready for the day. Wow has my sleep cycle ever gone awry! I've been going to sleep earlier and earlier and waking up increasingly earlier. Yesterday morning it was 4:00. This morning before 3:30. And yet, I feel that I'm getting enough sleep. It's only in the evening that I start fading.

This morning I awoke thinking of my mom. She has been in hospital for a week now with congestive heart failure. The seriousness of this is starting to sink in. She continues to have chest pain and shortness of breath.

Mom will probably never be as able to look after herself as she has. She will probably have a lot of trouble walking and be in need of someone to help her go to the bathroom and get dressed. And yet, when I visited her yesterday, her spirit was still all there. She was a delight to visit. And she is still crocheting - even in her hospital bed.

The truth is starting to sink in. Mom probably won't live long with this condition. Prognosis is poor for people of any age. And for a 96-year-old it must be so much worse. But I must talk to her doctor about this. Maybe today if he's available.

So glad Living Room is having a break this month. When I planned to take a break I didn't know all this stuff with Mom was going to happen. God must have known I would need the break and led me. And I need to let Him keep leading me.

Just don't know now what will happen with our holiday to the Chilcotin. We long for it so much. But Mom will have to be stable if we are to go. And I don't know if I would want to leave if she were still in the hospital. Don't think I'd enjoy myself. I'd just worry. It probably wouldn't be the responsible thing to do.

After church today there will be a picnic in the park across the street. I look forward to that. Will bring my camera and photograph all the children. I've been wanting to do that for a long while. This would be a good opportunity.

And yet I'm feeling a sadness. Guess that's understandable and okay. I look forward to the light breaking outside so I can go sit out there. It's always healing to spend time on the patio - time with God.

The picture is one I took of my mom and dad many years ago. It's an accurate reflection of their spirit and good sense of humour. That spirit is still alive in Mom now and how I appreciate it! And how I will miss her when she's gone!

Daisies galore

2010-07-27T04:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I sat once more on the patio in my muskoka chair enjoying my delicious quiet time as the day broke. Waiting - my camera ready - for the sun to rise over the cedars to illuminate the daisies. Hoping that I would be able to capture the little finches - or whatever those little birds are that have been coming around - as they played amongst those flowers I love so much.

But alas, all that came was a hummingbird, buzzing for a moment by the fuschias. And then, lo and behold, a raccoon came down out of the cedars, walking towards me. I managed a quick shot of it.

Later, while I was on my third mug of coffee, the light on the daisies was good and I was able to shoot them at their best. They're wonderful, even if there aren't any little birds playing amongst them. Such a clean beauty - such free flowers - such an expression of joy.

I'm so grateful for this peaceful morning time - time to enjoy God's creation and experience His presence.

On a not-so-wonderful note: My 96-year-old mother is in hospital, probably with a blood clot in her lungs. Also a heart problem. Our holiday is cancelled and life has become a bit strange. A focus on Mom while trying to enjoy some rest, even if we can't go away.

Yet I'm thankful for these quiet times. Thankful for the joy my daisies bring.

Chickadees in the daisies

2010-07-23T07:48:00.000-07:00

A wonderful morning quiet time on the patio this has been - lots of time to think and pray. But in future I must keep my camera handy as I sit out there. This morning a flock of chickadees came by, spending quite a bit of time in the Shasta daisies just a few feet away from where I sat. What pictures that would have made! Little birds in the midst of my favourite flowers.

I've been doing a lot of praying about next week's holiday we were planning with our motorhome. Don't know if it can happen. My mother has come down with the flu - bad news for a 96-year-old. Pretty hard to go far away, so far out of reach of her.

Other things are happening. We had our cat Max in to the vet a couple of days ago for tests. He has all the symptoms of diabetes. If that's what it is, we may end up being tied down more than ever. Imagine having to give him insulin shots daily! And our neighbour, who usually looks after him when we're gone, would not be able to do this. My husband and I are the only ones who can really get close to him. We should find out the test results today.

Besides all this, there are at least three friends who are needing a bit of care. I'd really like to help two of them out with a pot of soup or something. Would have liked to do this earlier, but I just didn't have the time. And one of them I worry about and feel I need to stay close to right now.

Ah, but how I looked forward to going to the Chilcotin! It's a special place for us. Quiet. Very few people. Good fishing for Wes and wonderful quiet times for me. I looked forward to lots of uninterrupted reading. Time with God and with my husband. We needed that time.

This morning, though, I thought of a park close to town where we could alternatively go for a few days. We could be close to Mom and keep tab on her daily. Golden Ears Park is beautiful, with lots of good hiking trails. Maybe this is where God wants us to go for now. We'll see.

Today is a Living Room day. Thank God I haven't had too much to do to prepare. Mark, my co-facilitator will lead the devotional time. So good to have him as a partner. Not that I don't like doing devotionals. It's a blessing to do so. But things have been terribly busy and it has been good to have someone else do the preparation instead of me.

Today's meeting will be the last of the summer. We will take August off to rest and relax.

The picture? My husband Wes at a lake in the Chilcotin. Note the loon in the background. I just love the cry of the loon in the stillness.

Out on a limb

2010-07-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

Oh, do I ever want to share Pastor Don's sermon about Zacchaeus with you today! At least parts of the very meaty, inspiring, Spirit-filled message that came through to me yesterday. I've been trying to transcribe bits of the sermon which is online in its entirety for you to listen to right here. Yes, I've been trying to transcribe, but it's so hard. There's just too much good stuff and transcribing word by word is hard. I'll zero in on a wee bit though:

You all know the story, I'm sure. Zacchaeus, the short, greedy and rich tax collector, in a very undignified manner climbed a tree so he could have a look at Jesus passing by. He was curious to see this person who seemed to like people like him - people who had been rejected by others. I think he must have had a deep longing for someone who would love and accept him.

To his surprise, Jesus looked up and said to him, "Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today." (Luke 19:5) In Pastor Don's words, "It turns out that, while Zacchaeus was on a quest to see Jesus he discovers that Jesus is on a quest to find him." Yes that's exactly the way God works, isn't it? I've found it out in my own life. When we seek God, we'll always find Him, because He's actually seeking us as well. And how good that feels! To know that we mean so much to God that - though the world is filled with such multitudes of people, we are special enough to God that He seeks us out.

Pastor Don continues: "All around us people are seeking - searching for something. They have tried different things but nothing is working for them. They haven't rejected Jesus; they've rejected the legalistic religion in the church. If they would just meet someone who is a follower of Christ who would see them the way Jesus sees them, not wanting to just dump a bunch of religion on them! [but just listen to them.]"

"Contrast how the people in the crowd saw Zacchaeus and how Jesus saw him. When Jesus sees us he sees someone different than what we see. If we would only see ourselves the way Jesus see us, our lives would be instantly transformed." and "If we would only see others the way Jesus sees us! Jesus invites us to see people in the way he sees them. He sees people of great value and great worth."

So good - isn't it? to know God loves us so much. So good to know we can pass on that love to others.

If this seems kind of piecemeal, I'm sorry. Might be best if you listen to the entire sermon. Grab a cup of coffee and enjoy.

Honestly speaking

2010-07-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

I was thinking of sitting down with my journal - my black book journal - tonight. I have so much happening inside me. So much I need to process. And then I thought, why not journal in my blog tonight? Why not be honest in my blog, even if it's a guarded honesty?

Today I happened to look back at some of my posts from years ago, from those times when Living Room was a fledgling group, totally unaware of where it would end up. And boy was I honest. Refreshingly so. I don't know what has happened with my blogging. It has become hard to know what to share and what not to share. I guess that's why I've come to do so little of it, while years ago I posted almost every day. I wish I could be that person again. What has happened to me?

I suspect that it has something to do with Living Room having become so well known. I want to keep some of what's happening quiet. Telling you all the tough stuff I deal with as a result of it might not be such a good thing. Would you lose confidence in me, its leader? And telling you all the good stuff would be like I was tooting my own horn.

Yes, I have far more responsibilities weighing on me than I did years ago. I don't feel as free. There's a big work connected to me now. I think it has changed me somewhat.

And yet I am the same person I was in that I have a mood disorder that at times makes me a very needy person. Just over the last while I've had to struggle again with realizing that I've become too self-centered, complaining to a friend about how overwhelmed I felt and the stress it was causing. I wanted mothering. I wanted compassion. But I did not remember that she herself has a lot on her plate too. I need to be there for her too.

That kind of self-centeredness - that overconcern about myself - crops up far too often. But it's a common symptom of our illness, isn't it, both when we're high and when we're low. Yet I know I need to fight it. I learned long ago how thinking of others' needs ahead of my own can be a source of healing. And I must tap into that.

So, today I was in pain. Remorseful for how I had complained to someone who never complains but carries her load with and eager courage, trusting that God will help her. How I need to learn from her!

This friend used to have a role of caregiver for me, mothering me when I needed mothering - something that happened often. But I've grown up a lot and she no longer mothers me in the same way. I don't need her in the same way. She has come to expect me to be a more mature friend, a friend with whom she can share equally. In her eyes I'm not as much a victim as I used to be, but a conqueror. I should be happy about that and accept that role, no matter how weak I may at times feel. And, like her, I need to trust that God will fill my needs and help me with my workload. After all it's His work I'm doing - not my own. It's God who is actually doing the work. All I'm called to be is a foot soldier for Him.

...and maybe I should pray more when I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Maybe I should remember to start each day by giving it all to Him.

The photo? A little girl on a balcony in a village on the island of Naxos in Greece. Cute, eh? I love that hair.

Comforted

2010-07-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

Crazy how you can make a little thing into something so big that it threatens to take you down into depression, eh? The feeling of rejection I talked about a few posts ago caused recurring pain. I think because I was focusing on it so much instead of forgetting it and moving on. But I was preparing a devotional for Living Room on the topic and was analyzing the topic to bits - hanging on, trying to learn from it, when perhaps I should have, for my own good health, shrugged it off.

But I didn't shrug it off. I hung onto the source of the pain and it kept hurting. I studied the why and the wherefore, especially for those of us who live with mental illness. I tried to understand what to do with the pain so I could pass what I learned on to my group on Friday. I also talked about how to escape the pain, to avoid having it take us down into depression. And we talked about how we can live so that we avoid the feeling of rejection.

The pain kept coming back as I focused on the problem. Finally, a talk with my pastor Don resolved the issue for me. He told me some things which comforted me greatly. I shared his words with the group and I will share them here with you:

"Be who you are, who God made you to be, and know who you are in His eyes. You are a person of great value and worth to God...ultimately what matters most is not what I think, or even what you think or others, but what God thinks. His first and continual and last thoughts of us are overflowing with love and grace."

What comfort those words gave me!! And this truth is what I passed on to the group at various intervals. Yes, we need to live our lives knowing who we are in God's eyes and be strengthened in that knowledge. Then rejection won't affect us so powerfully.

The photograph? I took it many years ago. It means a lot to me because I identify with the little girl. God comforts us like that if we go to Him, doesn't He?

Cats

2010-07-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

Just want to share a picture. No further grand theme to this post. Just want to touch base with bloggerland. There are a lot of stray cats wandering around in the Greek islands - most of them pretty mangy. This guy was begging for some tuna from the sandwich I was eating. I couldn't resist sharing some with him.

My mood? Getting over some decidedly low times last week. Strange, I had no problems in Greece. I think being in a lot of social situations like I tend to be here at home causes problems for me sometimes. I'm just too sensitive. And yet I love being around people. It's important to me to be around my friends. Go figure.

Morning has broken

2010-07-01T06:04:00.000-07:00

An amazing answer to prayer: My friend in hospital has improved by leaps and bounds. Two days ago she wasn't allowed her clothes because she was still so suicidal. Today she will probably be allowed an accompanied pass, meaning she can leave the hospital if she has someone with her.

Her spirit is so up. She is so grateful, praising God. She delights me so much and gives me such joy.

The day after she turned around so well I was sitting in my favourite chair on the patio having my quiet time, feeling very grateful. I noticed the sun shining on our hanging fushchia basket. I noticed how it illuminated one of the blossoms beautifully and decided to photograph it. As I was shooting a few pictures, a bee flew into the frame. How special that bee made the picture! It takes the picture from being an ordinary picture of a flower to being something a bit more special. God's work, eh?

That very day I made a bookmark from it for my friend, a bookmark celebrating her turning from darkness to light. "Morning has broken."

I'm praising God this morning. He is so good. He answers prayer.

To read more Thankful Thursday blogposts visit Lynn.

Feelings of rejection

2010-06-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

Do you think that people with mental illness feel rejected more than those who do not deal with such illnesses? What I'm talking about is a feeling of rejection from a group that in general aren't harboring stigma. I believe very much that they do, though a friend of mine doesn't understand that. She says that everyone suffers feelings of rejection sometimes.

I belong to a loving, accepting church, and yet I often find myself going home with a cold, awful feeling. A feeling of having been ignored or rejected. I'm sure much of this is only a perceived feeling. I'm sure people at church would be quite surprised that I would feel that way. These feelings often trigger a depression that takes a while to get over.

Is it me? Is this the lot of people who live with mental illness? Is it easier for us to feel rejected? Perhaps due to having an illness that is generally stigmatized? Perhaps due to our oversensitivity and insecurity?

A friend of mine is in hospital. I've talked about her in previous posts. One of the major triggers for this episode was her perception that she was being ignored at church, excluded, rejected. She had needed someone to connect with her in a real way. She told me that all she had needed was a hug. A friend told me that someone had talked to her. Yet apparently that wasn't enough to dissolve her feelings of aloneness. She was a really needy person that day.

I wouldn't fault anyone though. How are people to know of her need? Perhaps all they saw was a withdrawn person who didn't seem to want to talk. Someone who was hard to approach. How are they to know what's going on inside her?

I want to bring this topic for discussion at the next Living Room meeting. Do others experience this? How does it make them feel? What do they think causes it?

And we need to search out what we can do about these feelings. The important thing we need to remember is who we are in God's eyes. I think part of our problem is an insecurity. We need to learn to be secure in the knowledge of God's love...and secure in the knowledge that God's people do love us, even though they don't always understand our needs.

Yet another photo from the Greek island of Paros. The colours we see everywhere - blue and white.

Peaceful morning

2010-06-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful to God for the wonderful peaceful morning I had today. I got outside at 5:15. It was still a wee bit dark, but not too dark to journal or read. Such a wonderful place to sit, under the canopy, with the green garden all around me and the birds singing. How God has blessed us with this home!

Thank God for my friend's life. She struggles so much and almost died a few days because she couldn't bear her life anymore. But you God sent a lady, an angel, to speak to her and to remind her that there are people who love her. And I do so love her. She feels like she's a bad person, and yet I know her to be so good and kind. Thank you, God, that I can be there for her as she works through her depression. I'm thankful for her faith in you and how we can talk together about your love.

Thank you, God, for another friend, L, who just emailed to let me know she's thinking of me and praying for me. She pointed me to Isaiah 61, asking me if I had read that lately. I will have to do that. So precious to have friends who will share like that with me.

Tomorrow we have a Living Room meeting. We'll talk about our tendency to worry - our tendency to forget about God's presence. How can we stay close to God and trust Him so that we don't need to worry so much? We'll look to God together.

The photo? Another little taste of the Greek islands for you. It's fun to share.

Thankful Thursday is hosted by iris. You might want to visit her and visit the links to others' expressions of gratitude.

Hope you all have a happy, peaceful day as you work and play.

Thankful on Friday

2010-06-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

Just before going on holidays I agreed with my friend Nancie from More than Conquerors that I would try to take part in Thankful Thursdays - something many are doing - setting apart one day each week to truly focus on all I'm thankful for.

Now I'm back, and I've already missed a Thursday. That's because I was too busy doing something I'm thankful for to even think of blogging. So this week I will post my gratitude on Friday, one day late. Better than not at all, eh?

What I'm really thankful for is that God created us to be creative people. I've received such joy from doing photography again and I know it's something I mustn't let go. Yesterday I worked almost non-stop, preparing my pictures to show on a digital frame. I was selecting, cropping, adjusting, and re-sizing. I was so happy to see that there were a lot more good ones than I thought I'd have. I've still got it in me.

I like reading in Genesis how God created the earth and everything in it. I like reading how He saw "that it was good." And what joy that must have given Him. If creating a few images gives me joy, imagine how great His joy must have been!

I attributed my good mood while we were in Greece to the bright sunlight and to not having any stresses to worry about. But when I think of it, I think a lot of it was also the focusing on photography that made me feel so well. And I can see how I mustn't let it go so long again.

I want to photograph children again. I really need to set aside some time to do that. My play-time - my non-mental-health-work time.

I will continue posting some of the pictures I took in Greece. Simply because it's fun to share. What's the good of doing all that work if I'm going to hide it, eh?

The above picture is a street in one of the villages we visited. There was so much wonderful texture in the walls - so much old stuff. And many many cats.

To read more Thankful Thursday visit Iris.