Sunday, March 02, 2008

A lonely place

Depression is a lonely place to be. The loneliness and disconnectedness we feel must be the worst part of it. We long for someone to reach us through that wall we have around us. We long for love to touch us and bring us out. We long to sense God's presence. We know God loves us, but we can't feel it. We are cold and alone. In limbo.

What can we do to re-connect? How can we find help?

At times like this I long for a call from a friend. I long to hear that someone is thinking of me and praying for me. I long to know that someone cares. That would, I think, in a small way break through the isolation I feel. That would, in a small way, cut through the wall and help me feel some warmth.

I need a friend who will listen to me and just be with me for a while, without making me feel bad about being the way I am. I need a friend who will not tire of sticking with me as I work my way out of the hole I'm in. I need a friend who will love me, no matter how ugly I feel. I need someone I can count on. I need someone who will remind me that God is there.


Bleeding Heart said...

Well, I hope this is just a post about a lonely place and that you aren't feeling down.

Depression is a lonely place, and that is so unfortunate, huh? I mean, there should be more support and to me, there isn't.

I was talking to my mom today and we were talking about some things and her knowing that I am bipolar, she will say how those who are depressed are selfish! I just don't get it.

I know that we've discussed this before within our blogs, but to me, if anything, we are not selfish. How can isolation be selfish? How can feeling so dark and down be selfish?

Depression is a lonely place because nobody truly cares what goes on because to a lot of people, we all have problems.

Nancie said...

Dear Marja,

I felt the same way as you whenever I go through depression. I am not able to feel love in any way at all. And that is extremely painful as I am someone who feels deeply and loved deeply whenever I am well.

Thank God that He is with us and all of His other precious children whenever we have to go through severe depression. No matter how we are not able to feel God's love and presence during that time, He never leave us nor forsake us. He is very near to us and it is He who is sustaining us. For underneath us is His everlasting arms.

Your sharing reminded me of a question a church sister asked me yesterday. She asked how can she help me if she notices that I am either manic or depressed, besides praying. I thank God for her willingness not only to pray for me but also to help in some ways. I am sharing on my blog now about how family and friends can help during such lonely and painful time. DBSA and other sites have very useful articles in their public domain. I will try to post some of them by and by. Take care.

With Christ's love and prayers,

marja said...

Hi Dream: Have missed you here. Thanks for commenting. Yes, actually, I have been struggling with depression. And yes, it is hard to find adequate support. I have many friends, people who are compassionate. And yet, finding someone who can be truly helpful is difficult.

Nancie: You're right. It's that wall that keeps us from being able to feel the warmth of love. If only that wall weren't there...and if only there were people who could understand how to break through that wall. So good of your church friend to care enough to ask how she can help. I will be writing more about how friends can help as well. We need to let them know - to help them know how to help us.
So wonderful, though, to have friends who want to help!

Anonymous said...

Hi Marja: Your post has reminded me of my last bad bout with depression which lasted more than a month (a long time for me!).

My husband of 32 years knows just by looking at my face that the darkness is approaching. He is my best friend and in times like that - usually my only friend. My children perceive my depression as "a bad mood" but know it can go on indefinitely.

It is my hope that your husband is a part of your support system at this time.

It is true that I love my Prozac and at those times my dosage is upped in an effort to combat the depression, then tapered back to regular dosage.

My relationship with God becomes all the more closer because I think that only HE truly understands. HE speaks to me all the time -- in my mind, in my quiet times, even in my dreams. My husband speaks to me only verbally; he is not inside my head.

I come from a long line of family members who suffered depression and most have attempted and some achieved suicide. For me, suicide is not an option. It is the ultimate separation from God and I never want that.

Growing up with a suicidal parent who didn't think anything of taking his 3 children with him in his attempts using house gas, pills, purposeful car accidents, and fire - the very act of suicide has a different meaning for me personally.

Most people contemplating suicide are surrounded by something they feel is larger than themselves, a situation that cannot be remedied, an abusive person/situation where they see no other way out. Often they feel suicide is the ultimate solution - removing themselves permanently from the problem.

For me, suicide would be taking me away from a place I do not want to be. Instead, because of my life experiences, I choose turn it around and be more constructive.

I choose to find a way to remove the problem from me, not me from the problem. That may be to cut off a relationship w/person who IS the problem (temporarily or permanently), to refuse to discuss or to FEED into whatever IS the root of the problem).

I have even gone so far as to cut ties with family members and friends after repetitive bouts of depression occurred because of them.

One thing that therapy teaches is that earthly problems in our lives should never beget a solution so permanent as to harm ourselves forever or even for a short time - i.e. attempted or achieved suicide.

I've been over to Nancie's blog and she has a wonderful list of resources that I have encouraged her to ping Feedburner, Technorati and others so that when people Google depression, it will direct to her site and, through links, to yours.

After living with such destructive family members, depression is not a stranger to my life, but fortunately it is only a sometimes visitor.

Blogging is therapy too - so keep on keeping on. Anne

marja said...

Thank you, Anne, for your wonderfully long letter. Yes, my husband knows me best too. He often recognizes I'm depressed before I myself do.

And, though I've been suicidal before, I've never tried anything. The last time I was, a good friend truly helped me see how much God loves me - through showing her love for me. Since then I have been able to cling to that knowledge of his love and I have not wanted to die again, even during bad depressions.

Yes, blogging IS good therapy. I find great solace being able to share with others what I'm going through and sharing what I learn from what I go through as well.

Bringing devotionals to my Living Room support group is even more therapeutic. It's wonderful to share with my friends around the table and to help support them in this way. God is truly present there.