Self-centeredness

One of the things we talked about at Living Room yesterday was our tendency to become self-centered when we're depressed or when we're high. How can we try to start thinking of others at times like that? Is it possible to become other-centered by thinking of how we can help others with their needs?

I know I've tried many times. But the success has been short-lived. Sometimes I'm able to help my depression improve a bit by trying to do things for other people - by trying to put myself in their shoes and seeing their needs. But the better feelings are usually only temporary. Of course, much depends on the depth of depression I'm experiencing. When depression is only starting to descend, I may well pull right out by turning my attention to the needs of others.

One person present, a person who does not have a mood disorder himself, suggested that having a good friend show us how we're thinking too much of ourselves might be the best kind of support we could have.

But, I responded, "You have to be very careful how you tell a person that. I've been told that by a number of people in the past and it made me feel awful. It made me feel even worse about myself than I did before and deepened the depression." I believe it could even drive a person to take his life, especially if he's told so in a way that he might consider uncaring or critical. After all, self-centered thinking is not something a person with depression can easily control. It is one of the symptoms of this illness.

My best support comes from a close friend who does not in so many words tell me that I'm thinking too much about myself. Instead she helps me search for things that I could do to bring me out of myself - get me out of my negative thinking pattern. Play a game with my husband, do a Sudoku puzzle, go for a walk with a friend, work on a creative activity.

It takes a very special person to know how to help a depressed person, especially if this person has himself never experienced depression. How hard it must be to understand if you've never been there yourself!!

Before I had support

Many years ago, before I had the kind of supportive friends I have now, I spent months at a time in my bedroom. Only coming out for meals and to try to do small things like emptying a dishwasher or tidying a bit. Most of the time, though, was spent in the bedroom in deep depression. I don't remember at those times having anyone I could reach out to. My husband pretty well left me alone, immersed in his projects. Those projects are probably what helped him cope with my condition.

And I wonder, is it the support of close friendships - truly loving relationships with godly friends - that have kept me in more recent years from such very long isolated depressions? Is that how reaching out has benefited me? I don't know. I just don't know. All I know is that I have some very special friends now to whom I can talk about my feelings and thoughts.

Thing is, I feel I've been over-burdening two or three with phone calls and emails - to the point of clinging, something I'm very ashamed of. That isn't nice for anyone, even those who understand what I'm going through. I wish I could change, and yet I feel powerless to do that. Do any of you have such problems?

Not nice to think of yourself as someone who is a bother to others. It isn't like me to be that. I want to support others, not be a burden. And I do support many. I have supported many. Yet that doesn't count for anything when the tables are turned and I am the one who's having a hard time.

A couple of years ago I attended a meeting of suicide survivors - family of people who had committed suicide. The stories they told was that most of the people who had taken their lives did so because they hated so much being a burden to their loved ones. I hate that too. I hate being the kind of person who clings for dear life to her friends - searching for a way to have her needs met. So needing to hear that she is loved. How I despise that about myself! How I despise my self-centeredness at times like this!

I know this is all part of the depression I'm living with. These are symptoms many of us suffer when we're that way. I know I'm not alone. And yet I wish I could be stronger.

I've been focusing on scripture this afternoon. It helps me feel better, but the better feelings don't last. I just pray I can escape this soon, though these feelings have been such a big part of what I've lived with lately. I wonder if I will ever overcome them and become the strong me again. The supporter me.