Talk went well, although...

Have to let you know that the talk at Regent went well. I felt calm - exceedingly calm. Not nervous, not shaking as I had been the couple of days before the talks. And I knew it was because people were praying for me and I prayed for myself. Trouble was - and I feel bad about this - I'm pretty sure I talked far longer than I should have. Sharon ran out of time and at the end had to cram an hour of material into half an hour. I feel bad about that.

But my presentation at the very end of the lecture, where I talked about Living Room, went much better. I was able to cram everything into 5 minutes and yet feel I said all I needed to say. The note I ended on was that it would be so wonderful if the whole church could be like Living Room. A place where people can be authentic and not have to hide painful things they live with because of shame.

My mood is still very unstable. Literally up and down like a yo-yo. And I worry. What am I going to be like on Saturday - that day for which I invited probably over 100 people to my open house?

How I need to surrender these anxieties and trust in God! Think I'll go to bed with a mug of cammomile tea and focus where I should. On Jesus and not on me.

Manic high but trying to hold steady

Just checking in to let you know things are...well, kind of high. Please pray that I'll be able to stay connected, feet safely on the ground. Finding my "firm place to stand" in God. Yes, every time I do stop to think of God and who He is and what He means to me, I come together a bit... Till I get busy again.

But I take comfort in the knowledge that people are praying for me. I don't think most people understand what exactly it is I'm dealing with. Physical pain is so much easier to understand, isn't it?

Tomorrow I take part in Sharon Smith's lecture at Regent College, speaking to upcoming pastors. I will tell them what it's like to live with bipolar disorder. I will describe what my life is like now-a-days. Can I help them understand? Even a little bit? Enough so that they'll be compassionate towards others who have bipolar disorder? Enough so that they'll know how to offer support?

Then, on Saturday, I'm having an open house to show my photographic work in the form of bookmarks, notecards and framed prints. In typical enthusiastic manic fashion, I must have invited a hundred people. I'm working hard at staying organized enough to get ready for that.

I need to stop worrying, though. I need to trust that I CAN stay organized. Everything is on track so far. My husband is supporting me. God is with me.