Restless

I'm painting this morning...at least, trying to. The hills at Steptoe Butte in Washington. Painting is the hardest thing I can think of doing, something I keep putting off because it's so hard. And yet I've been itching to do it too, itching to improve my technique, to create something that could be deemed worthwhile. I paint a hill and then walk away, wishing for something easier to do. Yet I don't feel like doing anything else, so I email a friend, cause I need to "talk", and now I blog.

I've had a lot of disappointments lately and this morning I woke up feeling an utter failure. I think this feeling came from the realization yesterday that the mission trip I'd had my heart set on going on next year would be too rigorous for me. The realization that a person with bipolar disorder should not be doing something that involved seven days of ministry from early morning till late at night.

I'd so wanted to experience this country and these people, that I had even started studying Spanish to prepare. My dream was to photograph the people and their churches and to write about them, telling photo stories. Oh, how I had my heart set on this!! It was good to be focusing on this too. It reduced the obsession I had about Living Room. It gave me something else worthwhile to think about.

Yet another thing that I had wanted to do but had to give up on!! (the other was the depression seminar) Do I ever need something to feel good about! Something to look forward to.

But, my friends would say, you did make 340 bookmarks in Spanish for the mission our church members went on. And you are going to Greece in a few weeks for a holiday.

Yeah, crazy aren't I? I have so much to be thankful for.

All I need to do now is turn on some good music that will anchor me to the "studio" (yeah I have a room I call my "studio":o)) and paint. And after I have painted that picture turn to something more straightforward to do. Perhaps I will post my painting when it's done...if it's good enough. That would be fun. And it's fun I need. Creative fun. It's sharing I need. With people who care.

I pray this picture will be presentable. I pray that God will settle me down and give me some peace.