An attitude of joy?

Lord, I’m confused. And every time I think I’ve sorted things out, I find someone or something that says I haven’t. Yet I’d like to be clear about things like this, because how can I pass understanding on to others if I don’t have it myself?

My pastor recently said that “our attitude in the face of hardship and suffering reflects our confidence in God (or lack thereof).” He had been talking about the “joy” expressed in the letters Paul wrote from prison. Joy, in spite of hardships.

I started thinking about the depression my friends and I often face. How would it be possible to have an attitude of joy at times like that, when all you’d like to do is to die?

Does Pastor Don consider that I don’t have confidence in you when I’m in the midst of depression? I feel a strong need to defend myself. I consider myself a fairly good Christ follower. Can I help it when depression comes upon me? Can I help it when all I can do is think negative thoughts? And I remember with compassion the people in my support group who feel at times that you have abandoned them. Their pain is immense.

In times past I’ve bravely thought how I need to go through depression once in a while if I’m going to do the work you gave me to do – if I’m going to follow my calling to support people who, like me, have a mood disorder. It’s true, I know how to be a good supporter and advocate because I’ve struggled with depression myself. And, I suppose being able to do this gives me joy. It has given my life meaning.

Yet over the last couple of years my experience with depression and the desire to die has been worse than I would ever want to experience again. It was impossible to have an attitude of joy. Even when the episodes were past, I wondered if the benefits were worth what I paid.

But am I thinking of myself too much, Lord? The central purpose of Paul’s life was you and his desire to serve you. He wasn’t concerned about himself. …and I would like to be like Paul. I too want to serve you. The purpose of my life is not me or my own well-being…at least I try not to let it be. But maybe too often it is?

You endured unimaginable suffering as you hung on the cross. You also felt abandoned, crying out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). No joy there, was there? Yet you willingly endured it, knowing the good it would do: the transformation, or redemption, of humanity.

So, if I’m truly your follower shouldn’t I willingly endure depression, knowing it will eventually help me have greater compassion? It will enable me to help others in a special way. And in that there’s joy.

Lord, help me have the courage to withstand future episodes when they come…because they always do come. Help me to follow you wholeheartedly, even when it hurts.

Gotta talk to someone

My husband calls me insecure, and maybe I am. I get into states where I've simply got to talk to my friends. It's so hard not to, even though I've bothered them enough. Calling every day gets a bit much, don't you think?

But I've been having brief periods of down-ness. And when I'm down I don't want to withdraw, I just need to talk. My river has to flow.

So here I am again, needing my friends. I'm glad for this blog: a place to connect with people without bothering anyone who I shouldn't bother.

I'll be glad when today is over and I can sleep and wake to a new day. Tomorrow will be a busy one: Living Room day. I'm looking forward to it. Our discussion will be about the value of suffering. My pastor calls pain the gift no one wants, but one that is a gift nevertheless. Pain does so much to strengthen character. People who have suffered know a lot more about life than those who have it easy. I've never had it easy, yet I'm pretty sure that is the case.

Suffering is one of my favorite topics to read about. So much has been written about it and there's so much evidence that those who suffer and overcome have much to offer. Much has been written in the Bible about suffering. The Bible talks about knowing Christ and "the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings." I'm learning to share my pain with Christ. I'm learning to see my pain as his pain and his pain as my pain. I'm together with Jesus in my pain. I meet him in a very special way.

Interesting how so many Christians still think that good Christians should not suffer. They think that a Christian who suffers must have sinned or something. So many form their own ideas without reading the Bible with an open heart and mind. They overlook so much of scripture. They see only what they want to see.

Tomorrow may be an exciting day. It may be the day my article will be in the paper. I'm so curious to read what the columnist has said about me. Just hope it's positive, because I'm a pretty positive person and believe in hope. But the interview went so fast, I would have liked more time to express what I'm really all about. But he had fixed questions he wanted me to answer - didn't let me have my way with him the way I would have liked, though I tried....We'll see.

I could sit and talk on and on to you, because I am lonely with my thoughts. But I don't want this post to be so long that you won't want to read it, so I will close.

Thank you all for being out there my friends.