I'm afraid I'm going to ruin my reputation for being a positive thinker with this, but I don't think I've ever dreaded the Christmas season as I do this year. Usually I love the baking, the shopping, the decorating, the entertaining. But last year turned our very stressful, in spite of my enthusiasm. It threw me into a depression...it left me with bad memories.
I'm truly doing fine right now. My last post sounded like I was in a bad way, but I don't think things were as bad as they sounded - at least not outwardly. My new medication dosage is working out well. I think it's helping me stay calmer inside.
Yet now I'm starting to worry about the inevitable Christmas time. I wish I could hide in a hole with my computer and books and just pretend it weren't there. I've so much wanted the time to just work on my writing and reading. I just want more quiet time, with no cooking, laundry or grocery shopping to do. No parents to worry about. No meetings to go to. No exercising to do.
Yet I love all that stuff! I don't want to/I can't give anything up.
But Christmas is a bit TOO much this year. Most years I've put everything aside and focused completely on the preparations. How can I possibly do that this year? I want to have a book proposal prepared by the beginning of December. Then I want to finish the book and have it edited by the beginning of May. Those are my goals. That book is the most important thing in my life right now. It's the most important key I have to - in my own way - try and build understanding about bipolar disorder within the Christian community.
Tonight I will sit down and make plans. I want to see where I can cut the time I will need to spend. I absolutely HAVE to simplify the Holidays this year. I will have to try to make new, less stressful traditions, traditions I can look forward to. I want to be happy about Christmas. And I know that - with careful planning - that can happen.
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6 comments:
I'm always a real scrooge, I'm afraid. The holidays are way too commercialized and too much pressure.
sounds like you are stressed already. Only do what you can ok :)
Holidays are rough for my family too as my grandmother passed away on Christmas. I was looking around your blog and I and no idea that you had written a book. I ordered it from amazon right away and I can't wait for it to show up in my mailbox! I am always looking to read things that have to do with Bipolar to help better understand myself and my "other days" as I like to call them.
Thanks for the words of encouragement- it is comforting to know that you can live a full and productive life with this "gift".
Have a jolly one,
Machelle
Hi Marja,
It is very hard, when a reminder comes back around, to not dip down into that depression
As you saw, on my blog, I wrote that random poem "greer's trip to cheer" (greer is my middle name).
Because, ALLLLLLL I can think of, lately is flash backs to that couch of depression and the death fixation that began last year, this week.
So, as my Psychiatrist would say, what you are experiencing is "normal"...in a way your Psyche is reflecting and preparing itself for what happened, in case it happens again.
Then, there is the spiritual aspect, the enemy loves to dangle the past in front of our eyes.
Then, (sorry this is long) there IS a seasonal aspect to depression. In the years of my life, I recall my mother crying, yelling at times, "Why do you always ruin Christmas?"
We never knew I was sick.
***So, now, Marja, as you said, YOU are medicated and the meds are WORKING (praise God) and you have new friends and new coping strategies.
YOU WILLLLLLLLLLL BE FINE! And, come new year, you toast a post to a Christmas of Cheer! OK??
Love you,
me
Hi Marja! Doctors have a term for it at least here in the Philippines--"anniversary attack." I was in a deep depression and suicidal around this time last year that it warranted a stay in the halfway house. I got out in time for the holidays but I was too depressed to even enjoy it. Let us monitor our moods like a hawk this year. So far, I think you're doing great! I think we're going to pass this Christmass season with flying colors! Take care and God bless!
Try to take one day at a time. Take each moment, each minute, and cherish it. Your book proposal and book will be done when it is the right time. I know what you are feeling as my book is almost done, but not quite there yet either.
Christmas can be stressful, but things will come easy if you take it slow.
Try to enjoy the moment.
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