Sunday, August 14, 2011

Roller coaster life

I gave my first book the title of Riding the Roller Coaster and how apt that was. Have I ever been riding a roller coaster of moods and emotions over the past few weeks!

Yesterday I felt like a butterfly, newly released from its coccoon. I felt wonderfully free and prayed to God that this feeling would last for a while.

But it didn't happen. This afternoon I've been feeling like coccooning myself all over again. I want to withdraw - turn within myself, safe in my leather chair or on the bed.

I wish I could just sit and live in my own little world. But I have a fishing trip to prepare for. Tomorrow we'll take off for a week, spending some of that time with a friend of my husband's and his wife.

It was only a few days ago that my husband had to take my pills for safe-keeping. I know, that sounds pretty drastic. But people with bipolar depression can easily become suicidal - even though it may seem their life is wonderful and they have everything to live for. That's one of the crazy things about this disease. That's one of the tragic things that causes 30% of all people with bipolar disorder to take their own lives. It can happen all too easily.

I feel like writing - lots. And I've been peppering a close friend with many emails, confiding in her all the things I'm thinking and feeling. It feels good to share with someone who I know cares about me. It's less lonely. And I feel I need for someone to understand me.

This afternoon I've been wondering if I couldn't - somehow - turn this roller coaster into something good. Could I write something that would help others? Perhaps another devotional? But to do that, I have to learn something from all this, and at this point I'm not sure I'm learning a thing.

On my way to my mother's this afternoon, I was remembering what I had read in a book by Erwin McManus (I think it was him). "God pursues us with His love." What a wonderful thought! I'm a love sponge and am needing a lot of love now-a-days while I'm going through all this stuff. I will try to spend our time away seeing God's love expressed in everything I can: In what God whispers to me in my quiet times; in my husband's presence for me; in the beautiful things I see around me.

And, you know, I feel God's love most when I'm loving towards others. His love then reaches my heart in a big way. I will try to show my love to my husband and to his friends while we're gone. By giving love I will receive it too. Isn't that the way it always works?

But first I'll have to come out of my coccoon.


By Janice said...

I do hope that you can enjoy your time off. At the group yesterday I gave out some of the articles about your testimony because you are such an inspiration to me of a Godly woman. see you when you get back

Nancie said...

Dear Marja,

Just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Hope you have a blessed trip. Yes, very often I too find that in giving love I will receive it. May God shower you with His love in natures, in His Words and through the people around you as you reach out to them with His love too.

With lots of love and prayers,

Coco said...

Marja, you touched me with this post. Thank you. I am cocooning too, and faced with obligations which I don't want to meet because of the depression. Your journey, in all it's honesty, really does help me in not feeling alone, and in seeing the hope that exists. Love, Coco

marja said...

Awe, Janice, you are such an encouragement. I'm glad I inspire you, though you know how weak I often am. Love you lots, Janice.

marja said...

Thank you so much, Nancie, for your prayers. Yes, I did have a wonderful trip - a good time away from everything. Still the odd mood thing cropping up, but I WILL survive.

Love you too, Nancie

marja said...

Dear Coco,

I wasn't sure whether I should be so honest. Not being sure about what I could reveal and what I should not reveal has made it hard to blog lately. But it was such a relief to write this post - to let it all out. I'm glad that it helped you, Coco.

I'm not cocooning in the same way I was. And I'm hoping the trip we had will have kick-started me into a bit of a more up mood.

Good thing, I have lots of creative activities to keep me happy. Does that help you at all?

My latest project - knitting and crocheting dishcloths. It's a comforting activity.

Take care,

steve said...

Love you Marja!

marja said...


Welcome to my blog. Your comment makes me think maybe it was a good thing being so honest?


Anonymous said...

Honesty leaves us vulnerable, but that's where we are suppose to be. I am helped and encouraged and informed by your honesty.


marja said...

Hi Steve,

I'm glad you found this helpful. If it weren't, there would be no point in being honest, would there?