Waiting expectantly

I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up out of a horrible pit [a pit of tumult and of destruction], out of the miry    clay (froth and slime),

and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.

                                                                                           Psalm 41:1-2 (Amplified Version)

It's Saturday morning as I write this. I haven't been doing well - overwhelmed with the many things I need to do. As a result I've had feelings of wanting to disappear - to just bail out of life for a while. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a death wish. I just wish for peace and not so many commitments. Tomorrow we are hosting a family barbecue for thirty to forty people. And just over a week later, we are off on a three week trip to Greece. We will travel for about 17 hours to get there. Even my holiday to Greece seems like a commitment. I would just as soon stay home and hibernate on our patio with a good book. I would just as soon stay home and write letters to you. I'm feeling on the verge of depression - unable to do the things I need to do.

But I know I need to climb out of this. I know I need to try and do what I can. Though I would just like to rest and spend quiet time, close to God, I can't escape the world. To withdraw will only sink me deeper into the "pit" that David talks about.

This morning I searched my Bible, looking for Scripture I could hang onto. I looked at verses talking about strength and trust. But they did not speak to me as they usually do; they were like cardboard - not alive.

I wrote to a couple of friends, just to express what was going on. To cry out to them, as I had been crying out to God. One of them asked what I would say to another friend who I often support when she is depressed. And I realize that what I would suggest is that she make a list - even if it's only two or three items long. Things she could try to accomplish that day. I've done that myself now. I will clean up the kitchen and, though it's not urgent, put away some laundry that's been sitting for a while. For fun, my husband and I are going out for dinner with some old friends tonight. I don't have to cook!! Some chores and some fun. That's the way to organize when life becomes a challenge. I will also putter, working on some things for tomorrow. Little things - tear up the lettuce, wash the tomatoes, put the long table outside.

...and writing to you - sharing with you is always a joy. By helping you I help myself. I hope hearing my story and how I'm learning to cope does help you somehow.

I turned back to my Bible and thought of an old stand-by for me - Psalm 40. I've always known that the tough thing is to be "patient" while waiting for God to lift us out of the "miry clay." But if we wait "expectantly" that makes all the difference, doesn't it? It makes the patience a little easier to bear. Waiting expectantly means that we're trusting that He is there as we go through our stuff. Crying out to Him as we need to, knowing that He is hearing us.

God has spoken through my friend who reminded me of some of the things I could do. He is - little by little - "steadying my steps" and helping me with what I should be doing. He is setting my feet upon a rock. I pray that God will continue to remind me to wait "expectantly" while puttering at what I can, trusting that He's in charge.

I pray, that if you're suffering from depression right now, this message would have been a source of encouragement for you. God always does lift us out of the "horrible pit." And He is always there, even though you may at times have to wait to feel His presence.

Now I'm going to have a sandwich, then clean up the kitchen.

I just looked outside. It's a beautiful, sunny day.

(If you would like to receive Reflections on Scripture from Marja, go to the Living Room Homepage and sign up to receive them every Monday morning. You can unsubscribe at any time.)

In all honesty

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't posted for so long. Unfortunately, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to post - increasingly difficult to be absolutely honest about the stuff I'm dealing with. Instead, I journal and email my closest friends.

Thing is, when you're in leadership and when you're trying to be there for people, you just don't want everyone to know the truth about everything, especially when you're struggling.

I'm not doing badly right now but, in true bipolar fashion, there have been times and there are times...

I was looking at the bipolarireland website the other day and read the perfect description of what I go through. "Over the life of a person who lives with bipolar disorder, the illness expresses itself in an irregular pattern of changes of mood, energy and thinking." So true! And how irregular my changes of mood, energy and thinking have been lately - from day to day!

Good thing I have a lot more than just myself to think about. Good thing I have a worthwhile purpose to live for. Good thing I have a lot of people to support me and pray for me in the work I do. Good thing I'm trusting God, most of the time...or do I do enough of that?

Actually all too often I start thinking everything's up to me alone and I forget that it's God doing the work and I just have to follow along. How comforting when God brings me back, when I remember that I can relax - when I don't need to be as stressed.

Often lately I've felt overwhelmed, which is actually - I think - just a symptom of depression. There's my own Living Room group to look after. And then there's the greater Living Room movement, a movement that is growing. Exciting, eh? And yet it's a huge responsibility, especially for someone dealing with such fluctuations in "mood, energy, and thinking." If only I had only one of those responsibilities to deal with - the group or the movement - life would be easier to manage. Or would it?

I love my group. I love leading devotional times. I love being there for individuals as they go through struggles. The relationships I develop are priceless. And God is very much in those relationships. I feel His presence in the love I share with those people. I could never give up my group or its people.

And I'm committed to seeing more Living Room groups spring up. I want to see lots of Living Rooms to serve people who need faith-based support. I want to see this movement securely in place to continue long after I'm gone. Because it's a valuable ministry, a ministry that all Christians with mood disorders should have access to. A place where they can talk about both, their faith and mental health issues - probably the only place where they can feel safe doing so. I could never give up planting new Living Rooms.

Ah, it's felt good talking to you. It's felt good being honest with you. Please don't feel sorry for me. I lead a rich life. I'm hugely blessed. Just need a bit of prayer now and again. And doesn't everyone?

Keeping within limits

The holidays I had this spring and summer showed me how good it is for me to take time out to relax. They showed me how important it is to keep my life in balance. I decided to try not to get overly stressed again. I need to avoid getting depressed again.

A friend who I love and respect has promised herself not to do more than three big things in a week. She too tends to get into doing too many things, especially things for others, and becomes overwhelmed. Mind you, she doesn't have a mood disorder and is better able to cope than I am when that does happen.

This friend has become an example for me in many ways. I like the way she shepherds the people in her Bible study groups, caring for those who need it. In many ways I've come to live my life like her, at least in the way I care for people. (There are many ways in which I haven't followed her example, like in keeping a well organized house, though I'm working on it.)

I've followed her example, telling myself I'll only do three big things involving other people in a week. But something happened without any intention on my part. This coming week I have seven things planned - important things. UGGH!!! How did I get into this? How it does creep up on you, eh?

I need to take myself in hand. I need to be more careful. But it IS amazing how things crop up. Will have to try to whittle this down. I need to keep some time for myself.

Thanks for listening to my complaints. But I'm hoping that by writing here about this I will be able to commit myself to better live within my limits.