Friday, November 03, 2006

Getting sucked down

I am; I'm not; I am; I'm not...I guess I am getting depressed.

In my last post I talked of how I'd stabilized. I guess I spoke a bit too soon. I do indeed feel I'm getting sucked down into a depression. I've made an appointment to see my pdoc early - on Tuesday. That will give me a few more days to assess whether it's really happening and not just a glitch.

I spent my quiet time this morning just sitting, not able to read or pray. I did write in my journal a bit, which was good. From 6am to 8am, doing pretty well nothing. Neat thing is, though, that I did feel God's presence. Although I was very much within myself, I felt Him there with me, keeping me company. No feeling of hopelessness or despair. I am having some difficulty doing the things I need to do, though.

My ladies' small group from church met at my house this morning, and that was a true uplifter. We connect so well. We can be totally honest with each other. Everyone is compassionate and loving. It's this spiritual support that has, in large part, encouraged me over the past two years. Without this kind of support I would not be where I am today, relatively healthy - spiritually and emotionally. Without this I would not have had the ability to start my support group.

What I most want/need to do over the next little while, is to focus better on my book. It's so close to being finished, yet the job still seems big. I may get my husband to take the motorhome to a campground nearby, so I can spend a few days in it as a retreat - no choice then but to get writing. I did this last year and got a lot done. We'll see how my mood pans out first. I'm going to have to stay in touch with my friends for now.


chalexa said...

i am there with you. but its in times like this where i don't want my friends to see how horribly i'm doing.... they'd be shocked at how flat or sad i am. so i hide. Good for you, once again, for having friends who can uphold you, and to you for recieving their love.

Anonymous said...

thanks for all your comments. i'm sorry to hear you're feeling down and stressed.

jumpinginpuddles said...

stay close to those who support and encourage you and never lose heart marja.

Bleeding Heart said...

You still sound somewhat positive to me. My counselor did mention to me that sometimes our bodies need that time to rest and we need to listen to our body and mind as they are both connected.

Take the time to rest and listen to your body. Glad to hear that you are still open to seeing friends - this connection may keep you above.

It is OK to relax, lay back, and feel out of tune sometimes - it is when we are real down and out of sync when we have to worry.

Hold on as you know when there is a low the roller coaster always comes up again!

Thinking about you.

marja said...

Chalexa: Thank for thinking of me. I'm sorry about the way you're feeling. I tried to write a comment on your post but there's something wrong. It won't publish. So, if you feel forgotten - it's only because people can't get through. I'm going to call you. Hang in there.

Misha, jumpinginpuddles, dream writer: Thank you all for your comments and support.
Dream writer: You're right, I was feeling better, and I feel better today. It's so hard to know whether or not you're really getting in trouble. I'll pray that this won't take hold after all.

Anonymous said...

Marja, you are such an inspiration to me. In my opinion, you are so successful in life, you know, living a "normal" life. I know you aren't perfect & I don't think that, but reading about your ups & downs & how you deal with them is encouraging.

It seems like even through depression is starting to affect your ability to do chores, etc., you still feel a sense of peace.
Thanks for being so real & sharing your struggles & how you cope with them.

marja said...

Jane: Thank you so much for your comment. As I said, my friends are a big help, and I'm glad I now have online friends like you as well to encourage me.