Hope

In Ephesians 2:10 Paul writes:

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

How encouraging that is! Does that mean that the limitations I have had and that I have been worrying so much about should not hold me back so much after all?

Will my new medication help me become more stable so that it will be easier to make promises? How wonderful that would be! Will I be able to photograph adequately, in spite of the tremors?

I'm doing so much better moodwise. What a blessing! How grateful I am! How hopeful for a better life!

Paul had his "thorn in the flesh," didn't he? Yet it did not hold him back. He believed in the good work God made him for and God gave him the strength to carry it out.

I am encouraged. Hope for my future has greatly increased. Thank God for helping scientists come up with medications to help people with bipolar disorder! We are indeed fortunate to be living in this day and age.

Balance

Did I forget my own advice in Riding the Roller Coaster?

I've been enjoying my reading again, able to focus where for so long that had been almost impossible. I have a writing project on the go. These acitivities both make me happy and are good for me. Yet last night I started feeling somewhat low again. What's the problem?

The lithium I'm taking is helping a great deal, but I'm realizing more than ever now that meds alone aren't going to be the answer. I need to lead a balanced lifestyle too. Some quiet activities like reading and writing is good, but I also need to have more physical activity in my life: Cleaning, shopping, walking. And I need to take time with friends.

I also remember the exhilaration I felt a few weeks ago when I photographed the plants in our garden while they were covered by a slight layer of snow. Yes, being creative too is so very important.

I pray that I will remember this lesson and plan my days to include this kind of balance. It should almost be a doctor's prescription, shouldn't it? Doctors need to prescribe far more than medicine alone.

So now that I've had lots of quiet time, I must do something else - something I don't generally enjoy. I need to clean up our messy kitchen. But I know that I can almost make it enjoyable if I play some good music as I work. ...The work is almost starting to sound appealing :))

Seasons

I've been feeling so frustrated about the tremors the lithium are causing me. How can I do the candid child photography I so much love to do?

And I have a dream:

At Missions Fest I met Marie Ens, the missionary in Cambodia who started Place of Rescue. This is an orphanage for children of parents who died from Aids. She started this ministry in her senior years and it is truly amazing what she has done.

My dream is to visit her and document her work with photographs. How I would love to do a photo story of Place of Rescue. It would be so very much the kind of work I'm good at...if I didn't have the tremors.

However, my mood is stabilizing. I've become far better organized. I'm feeling more normal emotionally. And that is something to be grateful for. And I AM very grateful.

With more stable moods I'll be able to work better for Living Room, and that - right now - is probably a more important work for me than photographing children. Maybe I should accept and welcome this time in my life as a season to work for Living Room. And maybe - some time in the future - we can work at getting me off the meds that are causing the tremors. Maybe - some time in the future - it will be safe to change meds again.

There is a season for everything.

Missions Fest report

How exciting this past weekend was with our Living Room booth at Missions Fest! So many people stopped by to get information! People with mood disorders, people who had friends or family members with mood disorders. Others were just very happy to see that there is a way that the church is addressing the problem of mental illness.

We heard some stories of how the church had totally misunderstood the medical nature of mood disorders and prayed over unconfessed sins in an effort to heal the person. We talked about the pain this causes. We talked about the stigma in the church.

It was so great to stand amongst all the other forms of ministries - the first time a mental health ministry was represented at Missions Fest. I felt we gained credibility and really made a mark. I do hope we'll have the opportunity to do this again next year.

And me? How do I feel now? I'm feeling much stronger than I was. I'm feeling positive and look forward to getting life back on track again.

Seeking understanding

How I long to have my illness understood!

What do friends think of me? What do they think of my frequent ups and downs? I worry that they are allowing those moods to colour what they consider my personality to be. But my moods are not what I am. I can't help my moods.

I'm down so much. Yet I'm a positive thinker with good goals to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. On behalf of the many who suffer as I do, I try to help others understand what it means to live with bipolar disorder so that they'll be more compassionate.

And yet, even people close to me misunderstand and withhold the support I need.

A friend pointed out to me, though, that these people probably have enough problems of their own in life. Sometimes they just can't handle another thing. And that's probably something I need to take into account. My fear though is that they think ill of who I am because of my moods.

Who can I go to in times of deep darkness, when I can't see my way clear, when I want to die and when I just need someone to talk to and pray with?

My husband is a wonderful supporter. A patient man who has made a good life possible for me. But he doesn't have faith in God like I do. If he did, things would be so much different. I wouldn't need to depend so much on other friends.

God is number one in my life. I value my relationship with Him. But when dark moods come I need someone to remind me of His love and trustworthiness. A spiritual weakness of mine? Perhaps. But I know it's a common problem for people with depression. It's all part of the bipolar package.

The need for compassion

Isn't it strange the way it works? During times when you're down and out, needing love more than anything, people avoid you.

I'm doing much better than I was, however I do get down thinking of the people I considered good friends who don't in any way show compassion when I've needed it so badly. These are friends I've supported in many ways. But when I'm depressed I can't go to them for support. I don't get anything back. In fact, they don't even want to talk to me.

My best friend, a person who is - next to my husband - my best supporter is leaving town next week, not to return till sometime in May. How I'll miss her! She is my sister-in-Christ, my mentor, my counselor.

When I tell her about my disappointment with uncompassionate friends she tells me to stop focussing on people. People will always disappoint. "Fix your eyes on Jesus." And I guess she's right, but it's hard.

An act of worship

So much to talk to you about! Not simply about my troubles (as I've been doing far too much lately) but about things that give me joy.

I've been writing about the photography I've been doing and, during Pastor Don's sermon today, I was reminded of how photographing nature is very much an act of worship for me.

How I love capturing the beautiful things in nature! And especially when I know there will be people to share the results with. It's like a songwriter writing songs to sing for people and with people - praises to God - expressions of devotion to Him. I would like to be like David writing his psalms, only in photograph form.

And, when I can express and share my feelings through the photographs I make, all the better. All the more meaningful.

Look at how David expressed his myriad emotions with us in his psalms. How they bless us now! When I'm going through hard times, it's the psalms I go to for comfort. David understood. He went through the same things I experience, though his life and circumstances were a lot different.

Pastor Don's sermon today was about how we make use of our time. Such a great topic and such a great sermon!! I encourage you to listen to it in a few days when it goes online here.

One of the things Don covered was how to engage in a "holy waste of time". He said that three practices appear to be a "waste" of time but aren't really:
1. Observing the Sabbath
2. Worship
3. Daily personal time with God

What Don had to say so encouraged me. The project I've been telling you about - the work God seems to be leading me to - uses all of these. The time outdoors with my camera, appreciating what God has given us; the making of photographs to sing about the wonders I uncover; the time spent writing prayers to Him - prayers on behalf of others who might be experiencing pain...or joy.

Photographing in the snow

I did some photography in our snowy garden yesterday. What fun! It was raining - a kind of freezing rain - but I was dressed warm and cozy and nothing bothered me.

It was neat to photograph the hydrangea blossoms I had photographed in the fall, with snow instead of frost covering them. Don't think I did great though. I have dreadful tremors, especially in the early morning and that's not too great for holding a camera. Perhaps I should learn to use a tripod. I've done that before but find them a pain. So awkward! It really slows me down. And yet...it might be the only way I can get decent pictures.

How great it felt being out there though - in the fresh air, doing something creative!

The plans for the book I'd like to do are developing. I even did some writing for it last night and this morning. I'm finding my "voice." God is taking me on a wonderful adventure and I don't know where I'll end up. Isn't that how He likes to work?

Needing to create

I'm starting to function better, getting quite a few things done around the house. And I'm becoming more organized, doing much to prepare for Missions Fest, the conference where Living Room will have a booth. (Booth N08 for those of you who might like to come and visit us)

But the low moods still come upon me with too much regularity, quite often just after waking up from a nap.

And I keep thinking to myself how good it would be for me to have a creative project on the go. Doing creative things has always been a good technique for me to get out of depression. Something colourful and beautiful.

I've been praying so much for a project! Something involving photography.

One thing I've been exploring is to create a devotional book - a gift book with photographs and words - perhaps prayers that people with all kinds of pain would be able to relate to. How I'd like to be like David, creating psalms that arose from the situations he was in, but not specifying those situations in his writing. The way he wrote was something almost everyone could relate to.

Could I write prayers that could bless people with all different forms of pain ... and joy as well? Could I write something for the benefit of many and not just for myself?

New plans

My devotional planner quotes Job 17:11: "My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart."

But, the thoughts below say - so correctly: "Plans give you energy and keep you moving forward. [how true!] When plans get shattered so does your heart. The Lord can renew your plans or give you new plans. [as he did to Job] And when that happens your heart will be restored. Wait and see. What plans of yours have been shattered lately?"

Job's old life with his plans were shattered - taken away from him. And how I understand his feelings, though my situation isn't nearly as bad. I grieve the loss of my ability to function in a dependable way. And I do feel in great need of a new project - something without stress - something creative - something that will give me purpose - a God-given purpose. I believe if I had a good project to focus on, I would recover much sooner.

Living Room isn't shattered. It can't be. There will, I trust, be others - more capable others - to carry it on. It's a movement. The supportive material is all available free of charge on the website. I guess all we need is someone who will answer emails asking for info and someone who will supply encouragement where needed.

What I do grieve is my ability to function in a dependable way. I just pray that I will recover and that God will help me get stronger in that respect.

But any time I've had mental health problems I've turned to a creative project to "restore my heart" and give me a sense of excitement about life again. This is what I'm exploring now. I would like to create some kind of devotional book, including my photographs. How I would love a project like that!! This is the idea I'm developing now.

God is good. I'm starting to feel more organized. Starting to recover. I pray this trend will continue.

A long-distance race

Dear blogging pals:

So long it has been since I wrote last! Such a change since I started blogging in 2006 and I had promised myself I would write a post every other day! And I did too, for a long time. It was a blessing to do so.

What has happened?

I guess life happened. Many things have changed for me. I ended up starting a ministry that is reaching far and wide. I'm grateful for how far God has taken Living Room.

Lately though I've been wondering how long I can keep leading this ministry. I've been having a lot of troubles. Loss of memory; disorganization; having normal or high moods followed very quickly by depression - often with suicidal ideation. Doesn't sound very good for the leader of such an important ministry, does it?

And I wonder: Is this the way it's always going to be for me? Is this a permanent condition caused by old age setting in? That is indeed a worry. But I mustn't just worry about this. I need to consider what can be done.

How I would love to find someone to take my place! Someone who I could at least groom to take over leadership from me.

My pastor recently very wisely pointed me to Hebrews 11 and 12. And I can see how with Living Room I blazed a trail like the Biblical figures described. What a great privilege that has been!! But I might not realize my goal. I never did actually expect to reach my goal of destroying stigma. All we can hope for is to reduce it, isn't it?

Yet I did hope and pray to have Living Room groups in churches readily available to as many people as possible. I hoped to start a movement towards reaching that goal. That was my prayer, whether voiced or not.

My prayer is that this will indeed be a movement that will catch fire. I pray that the Living Room candle that God helped me light will become a blaze of enlightenment in churches everywhere. I pray that all Christians living with mental illness will find themselves able to talk comfortably about their troubles with their church friends. I pray that they will be able to truly be themselves - truly authentic members of their church families, open about who they are and what they deal with. I pray for empathy and sympathy - the elimination of feelings of shame. I pray that the church will be a source of comfort for people dealing with emotional difficulties. And, if the source of the problem is medical, I pray that it will be recognized as such and that the church will - somehow - work with medical staff in seeing that needs are met. I also pray that medical staff will work alongside the church where spiritual help is needed.

Erasing stigma is a long-distance race, one I will personally not give up fighting as long as I am able. I'm sure I will not see the finish line in my lifetime. But I have faith that - with God's help - a better life for Christians with mental illness will be possible. In the way God has helped me, God will help others carry the cause to the finish line.

Stigma - how it makes me feel

I'm sorry for pursuing this topic just a bit further. But it's in my thoughts, and when it's there I must share. What better time?

Yesterday I felt much better about life. I was able to cast off the pain I had felt the previous day. God led me on a beautiful walk with Him, leading to a sense of gratefulness to Him. My time with God took me to a beautiful old hymn, one I love very much: How Great Thou Art. Hope you will have a listen. I shared the thoughts that led to this with friends. I wrote encouraging emails to people. All in all, it was a wonderful time and a sharing of God with people who were important to me.

Actually, as I write this post, I'm reminded of another wonderful song of praise. Great is Thy Faithfulness. Both of these songs easily draw tears from me. They so very much mirror how I feel about God.

But back to that ugly thing called stigma. Although I was up yesterday, this morning some thoughts brought me down again - though I don't plan to stay there. This morning I was able to pinpoint exactly what it feels like when I'm stigmatized. When people make comments like my friend did - the comment I wrote about in my last post, I was made to feel she doesn't think I'm worth anything. Like I'm not as human as other "normal" people. The things I do that are good don't count for anything. The good things about me are ignored.

Thing is, I know that I'm worth a bundle to God. He loves me just as much as everyone else and has blessed me by giving me a big job to do for Him. At times I feel too small - even unworthy - to carry such a load, but He has entrusted this work to me and I feel very grateful. Because it's obvious He does think of me as a person of great worth. How humbling that is and how I need to take care of myself so that I can continue working! How important to rest in Him in spite of the big commitments I have made, in spite of so often feeling overwhelmed!
How important to cast off this pain and to ignore people who are so in the dark about the truth!

I will pay no attention to this kind of treatment. I will keep my distance from the people who stigmatize me and cause me pain. And when I need to talk with them about something, I will treat them as warmly as I can, in the way I would want to be treated. Maybe one day they will come around. I will have to pray for them.

In my last post I mentioned that there were only three people who support me. But in that dark state I forgot many things. Looking at it today, I can see that there are many people in the church who love me and appreciate me. Yes, the church as a whole is very supportive. They see me as a worthy human being, a person worthy of their love. Most members of the church know what I deal with and will openly talk with me about it when we have one-on-one time. And they feel that they can talk with me about their problems too.

No way would I want to leave this church. It offers everything I need and believe in. I thank God for this wonderful Christian community.

The pain of stigma

I had always thought that I had been fortunate - that I had not been touched too much by the effects of stigma. But in the last little while, I've been deeply hurt a number of times by stigma and gross understanding about what it is to live with bipolar disorder. And one of the worst things is that the hurtful remarks were made to me by friends who I had considered supporters.

If it weren't for the friendship of three people in the church - people who are compassionate and caring and offer strong support, even though they might not always understand totally - I might have be tempted to leave this church, though it has done so much to encourage me and Living Room. I had just yesterday lauded the wonderful work of the church in supporting people with mental illness and how that has led to many Living Room groups.

But the poison of the remarks has been so very painful - more painful than the effects of the disorder itself. They are affecting me deeply. Though maybe it's the disorder - the severe moods - that make me especially sensitive. Never-the-less, it sickens me to have my pain and the pain of others who live with mental illness so grossly misunderstood.

What led to this post - amongst other things - is something a friend said to me this morning in response to my current problems with rapid cycling. She said "Your husband deserves a medal. Most husbands would have been out of there long ago." This isn't the first time she said this to me. She has said almost the same thing a number of times before and does it ever hurt! It has hurt me deeply.

By saying that she suggests that all I've been to my husband is a drain. That I haven't given anything to him. That I don't give anything back. And that is so completely false.

The truth is that I give a lot to my family, my community - and even the world. But when she said this it was as though that didn't count for anything. As though the only thing worth looking at was my mental illness. As though mentally ill people never give anything back.

As much as I'm able I pour out all I have in love for others. I pour out until I have almost nothing left to give. Then I have to refresh myself at the never-ending fountain of Jesus' love. I rest; I recover; and then I am ready to start working again. And resting is what I'm trying to do now.

Christmas: a time to be still

I recently came across a blogpost I wrote four years ago and thought you might like to hear it. This will be our devotional at Living Room today. So...even if you're far from a group, you too can take part with us. I hope you will be blessed by these thoughts.

THE AWE AND WONDER OF IT ALL

(From a blogpost written by Marja (http//marjabergen.blogpost.com) on
December 4th, 2007):

Last year's Christmas was a stressful time for me. I truly suffered from all the negative aspects of the season: the huge number of fliers coming to the door irked me; the full parking lots at the mall overwhelmed me; the stores with the Christmas music and the pushing of goods bothered me. The materialism of it all - the having to live up to all the traditions, when I wasn't in the mood - the pressures of going to parties and having to entertain family at home were more than I could bear. I saw it as a chaotic time, one I wished I could escape.

But - blessing of all blessings - this year is different. I feel at peace. I don't feel pressured. I'm enjoying the season. And this started happening even as I was struggling with depression over the past few weeks. That's truly amazing! Thank God!

So I went to church this Sunday - the first Sunday of the Advent season - eager for Pastor Don's sermon. He didn't let me down. He talked about how Advent should be a time of quiet waiting - a time to look forward to Jesus' coming.

Unfortunately Christmas has become a time of chaos for many of us, when it should be a time of awe and wonder. Just think of it: the child Jesus who was born was God, come to earth to walk amongst us. He came to show us who God is and what he's like. He showed us God's great love and illustrated his amazing grace.

Christmas is very much a time of fantasy and nostalgia, a time when we try to recreate feelings we had in the past. But recreating those feelings can be difficult in the lives we're living today. We often end up with pain when we can't do it. But if we could remember to focus on Jesus, the whole reason we are celebrating, perhaps we could escape the pain and lighten the expectations we put on ourselves. Perhaps we could escape all the noisy stuff and the chaos.

The time leading up to Christmas should be a time for stillness, a time for peaceful reflection. Think about what a mystery God's coming into the world was! Think of the awe and wonder of it all!


Why make a big anxious fuss over Christmas, the season where we talk about peace and joy? Do what feels is best for you in the mood you’re dealing with at the time. Spend time with family and friends. But, most of all, spend time with God.

God says to you and me:

“Be still and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

“Step out of the traffic! Talk a long, loving look at me, your High God…” Ps. 46:10 (MSG)

Unfortunately, it's difficult for me to even focus on Christmas at all this year. My 97-year-old mother isn't doing very well and, other than the care she receives from her nursing home, I am the only family member who cares for her. The only one who visits. That's sad. But you know, there are many things in her attitude that inspire me. I do enjoy my visits and must try to do so often - no matter how busy I am.

She came up with such beautiful words a few days ago. When she was in the ER, she missed her crochetting so much. How she wished to have it there with her while she waited those many hours to be tended to! She referred to her work as her "sweet comfort." What a wonderful way to describe what creative activity can offer us!

And then, a day or two later, back at the care home - happily back at work again - she told us how her "willpower won't leave her alone."

What a wonderful message this is for those who are willing to listen to this lady. And how much those who don't visit are missing!!

Perhaps I should forget a lot of my busyness - at least, simplify as much as possible - and focus on celebrating Christmas with Mom. Spend quiet - with God time - along with her.

Burn-out?

I've felt very tired lately. Bordering on burn-out maybe?

My open house last Saturday did not go as I envisioned. Not nearly as many people turning out as I had thought would. But the weather was horrendous - lots of rain and wind. I was touched though every time I saw someone arrive, braving that weather. How good it was to see them! Quite a few of my Living Room gang. And the living room was almost always filled with people - lots of good visiting. Although I didn't sell much we had a wonderful time - and that's most important, isn't it?

I'm trying to rest now. Trouble is, every time I try to rest my mind runs away with me. I'm doing far too much thinking. And when I think things, I feel a need to share. I end up making phone calls and writing emails. Thankfully I haven't called anyone too many times, though - I don't think. One person I called three times yesterday. But I think she understood the need and she knows that she was helping me. Good for a person to know when they are helping you. Good not to just complain about your feelings but to show you're willing to listen to a person's advice and take it to heart. Friends don't want to feel like they're helpless to help you. They want to feel they're able to do some good.

I always try too to learn what my friends are going through. I want to pray for them too. I'm not the only one with troubles. Everyone has some kind of troubles. Some kind of burden. I don't just want my friends to be there for me. I need to be there for them too. Support is a two-way street. We need to be friends to each other.

And...listening to others about what is happening in their lives helps take my mind off myself. A very healthy thing.

Talk went well, although...

Have to let you know that the talk at Regent went well. I felt calm - exceedingly calm. Not nervous, not shaking as I had been the couple of days before the talks. And I knew it was because people were praying for me and I prayed for myself. Trouble was - and I feel bad about this - I'm pretty sure I talked far longer than I should have. Sharon ran out of time and at the end had to cram an hour of material into half an hour. I feel bad about that.

But my presentation at the very end of the lecture, where I talked about Living Room, went much better. I was able to cram everything into 5 minutes and yet feel I said all I needed to say. The note I ended on was that it would be so wonderful if the whole church could be like Living Room. A place where people can be authentic and not have to hide painful things they live with because of shame.

My mood is still very unstable. Literally up and down like a yo-yo. And I worry. What am I going to be like on Saturday - that day for which I invited probably over 100 people to my open house?

How I need to surrender these anxieties and trust in God! Think I'll go to bed with a mug of cammomile tea and focus where I should. On Jesus and not on me.

Manic high but trying to hold steady

Just checking in to let you know things are...well, kind of high. Please pray that I'll be able to stay connected, feet safely on the ground. Finding my "firm place to stand" in God. Yes, every time I do stop to think of God and who He is and what He means to me, I come together a bit... Till I get busy again.

But I take comfort in the knowledge that people are praying for me. I don't think most people understand what exactly it is I'm dealing with. Physical pain is so much easier to understand, isn't it?

Tomorrow I take part in Sharon Smith's lecture at Regent College, speaking to upcoming pastors. I will tell them what it's like to live with bipolar disorder. I will describe what my life is like now-a-days. Can I help them understand? Even a little bit? Enough so that they'll be compassionate towards others who have bipolar disorder? Enough so that they'll know how to offer support?

Then, on Saturday, I'm having an open house to show my photographic work in the form of bookmarks, notecards and framed prints. In typical enthusiastic manic fashion, I must have invited a hundred people. I'm working hard at staying organized enough to get ready for that.

I need to stop worrying, though. I need to trust that I CAN stay organized. Everything is on track so far. My husband is supporting me. God is with me.

Everyone needs compassion

As some of you know, I write letters to God - most days - whether I'm up or down. And this morning, while I was writing I was reminded of a song that we often sing at church that starts with the words, Everyone needs compassion. Those words always speak to me in a big way when we sing them.

And, as I went to my computer to find the song on youtube, I reread my last couple of posts. How honest I was! I was shocked by my honesty. And yet, you know, it was a comfort to share with someone. Few people understand what a person like me goes through. Most don't want to hear about it, thinking I talk too much about myself. And yet, how will people know how to pray for me if I don't share when I'm going through tough stuff? So often I've heard from people who had loved ones die by suicide say, "If he/she could only have told me! If only I'd known!" Yet before the actual act, people don't want to know, do they? Not the average person.

In the end, it's only Jesus who has true, pure compassion, isn't it? It's only He who truly understands. And how we need to be sure to stay close to Him! How we need to keep the communication between ourselves and Him open!

I had a friend email me this morning, telling me she had read my last posts. And she was sorry she hadn't been praying for me. But that's ok, she had a lot of her own things she was dealing with. And that's how it is for most people. But you know, neat thing: as the result of my honesty, she was honest with me and told me what she had been dealing with! I so appreciated that! It's such a privilege when people share with me what they're dealing with. And, you know, it takes my mind off myself and that's such a good thing.

I wish when I share openly with people they would see it as permission to share their tough stuff with me too. Then I'll feel that I have a true friend. Someone I can share with. We can pray for each other.

Fellowship with Jesus

Although I hesitated to share my last post with you, wanting you to be able to trust me as a leader, I did need to be honest. My readers need to understand the effects of bipolar disorder on us. If I'm going to be honest - which I always try to be - I need to share the hard stuff too.

But please know, that in my quiet time this morning I've come to a different place.

Shortly after I wrote my last post I emailed my pastor saying, "[my good friend] would probably be reminding me that it's the evil one getting me down. He likes to attack at times when he feels his own work most threatened. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus and remember how He suffered but did not give up. He died and rose again. And I must rise again - up from the death - the lifelessness and emptiness of depressed feelings. I must take God's hands and arise again - up from what was like a death bed last night. There's work to be done. Yes, I'm reaching for God's hand this morning."

My pastor has often quoted Philippians 3:10-11, his life verses - something I've in the past had a lot of trouble understanding. But this morning I fully understand them:

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Depression - not self-centeredness

I dived down into the depressed part of my cycle last night. And all I could think of was a wish to die - how I would like to end it all.

Self-centered? Some people would say so. But how can you be otherwise when you can't think of the possibility of living beyond this moment in time? When you can't bear the thought of continuing this life. It has become too hard.

And yet, earlier in the day I made special brownies that my celiac friend will be able to eat. And I looked forward to surprising her with them today. It's not like all I think about is myself. I also coached an immigrant in English conversation, talking lots about her - not just myself.

No. I don't think it's self-ceneteredness that is bringing me down. I don't think other-centeredness is preventing me from going there. The moods come - unbidden.

Last night all I could think of was how I would like to swallow a bottle of pills and just go to sleep forever. I'm tired. Tired of the constant ups and downs. I want to get off the roller coaster.

Today - thank God - I'll be seeing my counselor, a Christian. Finally someone who I can talk with about this. Someone who's a Christian.