Me? Elderly?

One thing I really can't get used to about getting older is having people offering me their seat.

It happened yesterday. My husband and I were in a restaurant waiting for a table. A younger couple was sitting on the two chairs provided for people waiting. And the girl asked if I would like her seat.

Do I really look that old? Do I really look that decrepid and weak? Heck! I'm only 65 years old!

65 is not that old! I'm still able to stand. I'm still able to walk long distances.

Today's prayers

This morning all I can think of is a good friend who is in hospital. She's in such very poor shape. Needed transfusions both of the last two days and, last I heard, she was having trouble breathing. I'm so worried about her, but all I can do is pray - for her and her husband.

Things have been a bit weird for me lately, my moods up and down, but not really badly.

And there are other things on my mind:

I've decided that the open house/craft sale I will have at my home in November will be for the benefit of the Living Room ministry. We're needing funds to ensure that we will be able to do our work - our work of spreading the Living Room movement - promoting groups everywhere.

I'm encouraged. This month a new group is starting up in Winnipeg and another in Langley. Please pray for Lorna and Jeffrey, the facilitators of these groups.

But we need many more. We need groups available to all people living with mood disorders and wanting faith-based support. Everyone should have the opportunity to talk freely about their mental health issues and their faith - in one place - knowing they will be accepted, not stigmatized as too often happens.

We are already at work, preparing for our presence at Missions Fest in January. This will be an opportunity to engage many of the thousands of Christians who come in discussion about mental health problems and what they can do to offer support. We'll have to work hard to make the most of this opportunity. It will take prayer and some creative planning. Just glad I'm not doing this on my own. Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries will be helping out. They are also planning on doing a seminar at the conference.

But it's costly being at Missions Fest. The booth is expensive. And it costs money to do the display. It will cost money to have materials printed to have available at the booth. I will work hard to create notecards, bookmarks and framed prints to sell at my sale in November. It's a good healthy thing for me to do. It's work I love to do.

But if you're not near Vancouver - not able to be at my sale - and would like to support the Living Room movement, don't forget, you can always donate via the Living Room website. Your donations would be hugely appreciated.

Yes. Lots to pray about today. My friend, my creative work for the open house, and Missions Fest. So good though to have a Big and Loving God to go to.

Soup for the gang

I'm feeling so good today. So energetic and creative. Don't know why. A bipolar thing probably.

Connections Coffee House, our church's new venture opened last week and this is an exciting time. Almost twenty volunteers from the church have been trained to be barristas. But it's not enough to fill all the shifts that we would like to have open. So quite a number of people are working double duty, including Pastor Don.

Unfortunately, I'm not able to be one of the volunteers. Given my problems, the work would be a bit too stressful for me. Actually, it's not so much the stress that's my problem, it's my tremors.

I'm trying in every way possible to be a support though. I've been making notecards and bookmarks to sell. And in between things, I've been knitting dishcloths. I'm also producing a calendar with the title, "The Awesome Wonder of it all!" Fund raising efforts, though at this point I still don't know if the church is going to allow me to do what I would like. They don't really like to have a lot of fund raising going on and are still trying to draw up a policy surrounding that. Very frustrating for me who would just love to use my God-given gifts to help out. But I guess I'll just have to be patient and trust their judgment. I've put in a word on my behalf and am sure they will consider it.

This morning I woke up with notecards on my mind. I found a site online selling blank cards much more reasonably than I can get them in the store here. So I ordered 200. Too outrageously many maybe? Maybe. But that's the mood I'm in.

Then I emailed the Connections team, asking if I couldn't sell notecards at the shop. It would be my donation. All proceeds going to Connections. I just pray they will let me do that.

In the early afternoon I took a break, spending some time with God. What could I do to be of help? It occurred to me that with so many people busy at Connections and my pastor and his wife having a missionary family staying with them for two weeks, there was a need for food. People so busy and possibly tired could use a hand preparing meals. I could make some soup! I can think of all kinds of people who could use some soup around now.

So now I've got a triple batch of hamburger soup simmering on the stove. A huge stock pot full as well as a Dutch oven full. Good thick soup with lots of meat and vegetables. I'll have lots to share.

Late this afternoon I had word from the printer that the proof for the calendar is ready for me to look at. Exciting times!

Yes, I feel good.

Radical

We had some friends over a couple of nights ago - nonbelievers. And one of them fell into a discussion with me, expressing his problems with religion and Christianity. He felt very strongly about the apparent narrow-mindedness of Christians.

But, I told him, we shouldn't believe in religion. Religion is man-made. It's what people have put together. The rules are man-made and yes, many are narrow-minded and have lost their reason for being. What we need to look at is Jesus, not religion.

Jesus was a radical. He Himself was against the religion of the day and fought against its narrow-mindedness. The Pharisees and Sadducees could only see their own way. It was like they owned the law, rather than God Himself. They felt threatened by Jesus who tried to show them a better way.

Jesus taught how the most important law is to love God and love our neighbours, even if our neighbours turn out to be our enemies. All the laws of God were wrapped up in this one thing.

If people who feel turned off by Christianity could only look past the religion, and zero in on what's at the center - Jesus Himself. It's Jesus we're called to follow, not religion. And this probably means that we ourselves have to become somewhat radical as well.

There's nothing boring or narrow-minded about following Jesus.

Dish cloths - a God thing

We came back from our fishing get-away last night. Had a good time with not too many mood problems. It was good to be with others at the beginning of our trip. People to socialize with. Not so much time to think about myself and the way I was feeling.

On our long drive out to Fletcher Lake I had lots of quiet time to think. I realized how good it would be to be knitting or crocheting dish cloths in my free time, something I hadn't done for many years. I would sell them to benefit Connections, the coffee shop our church is opening up for the community. So in Williams Lake we stopped to buy some cotton yarn and a crochet hook.

Now, lo and behold, this was truly a plan planted within me by God. I'll tell you why it was a real God thing. My husband's friend's wife, someone who I don't have too much in common with, had - unbeknownsed to me - also brought a crochet project along to work on. This gave us something we could share in while the men were out fishing. Such an unbelievably good thing this was! God knew exactly what I needed at that time.

I'm happy now for this activity for those times when I feel like withdrawing. It fills a hole for me and helps me feel contented. I can knit and crochet while I visit my mother, someone who herself is always crocheting. It will give me something to share with Mom in as well.

Another thing I'm happy about is that my husband has agreed to let me have an open house in October to sell photographic items and other crafts (like dish cloths) - again for the benefit of Connections.

Right now I'm feeling very useful, with lots of creative projects to fill my time. I have an activity for every mood!

Creativity really is such a good thing to fight adverse mood problems! I've only felt the need to withdraw a few times while we've been away, and it didn't stick around. Thank God!

Roller coaster life

I gave my first book the title of Riding the Roller Coaster and how apt that was. Have I ever been riding a roller coaster of moods and emotions over the past few weeks!

Yesterday I felt like a butterfly, newly released from its coccoon. I felt wonderfully free and prayed to God that this feeling would last for a while.

But it didn't happen. This afternoon I've been feeling like coccooning myself all over again. I want to withdraw - turn within myself, safe in my leather chair or on the bed.

I wish I could just sit and live in my own little world. But I have a fishing trip to prepare for. Tomorrow we'll take off for a week, spending some of that time with a friend of my husband's and his wife.

It was only a few days ago that my husband had to take my pills for safe-keeping. I know, that sounds pretty drastic. But people with bipolar depression can easily become suicidal - even though it may seem their life is wonderful and they have everything to live for. That's one of the crazy things about this disease. That's one of the tragic things that causes 30% of all people with bipolar disorder to take their own lives. It can happen all too easily.

I feel like writing - lots. And I've been peppering a close friend with many emails, confiding in her all the things I'm thinking and feeling. It feels good to share with someone who I know cares about me. It's less lonely. And I feel I need for someone to understand me.

This afternoon I've been wondering if I couldn't - somehow - turn this roller coaster into something good. Could I write something that would help others? Perhaps another devotional? But to do that, I have to learn something from all this, and at this point I'm not sure I'm learning a thing.

On my way to my mother's this afternoon, I was remembering what I had read in a book by Erwin McManus (I think it was him). "God pursues us with His love." What a wonderful thought! I'm a love sponge and am needing a lot of love now-a-days while I'm going through all this stuff. I will try to spend our time away seeing God's love expressed in everything I can: In what God whispers to me in my quiet times; in my husband's presence for me; in the beautiful things I see around me.

And, you know, I feel God's love most when I'm loving towards others. His love then reaches my heart in a big way. I will try to show my love to my husband and to his friends while we're gone. By giving love I will receive it too. Isn't that the way it always works?

But first I'll have to come out of my coccoon.

Thinking big

The Living Room global initiative team held a meeting this morning. One of the questions I asked them was "Are we thinking big enough?" If we want Living Room to become a true movement, we've got to get out there and do everything within our power to promote it. Are we doing enough?

One of our members pointed out, "Yes, we are already thinking big." We have a workshop planned for September 17th. And we will have a booth at Missions Fest in January. Yes, I guess it's me pulling on the bit again. Wanting to do things before we're truly ready. Wanting to get everything done at once. This kind of work can only be done in little bits at a time.

She pointed out how we can gauge from interest at Missions Fest what to do next. Step by step, we'll gradually accomplish our goals - to help decrease stigma and help churches learn how to give support. Step by step, as God leads.

Our need for love

In the end - to see us through our mood glitches - isn't all we need, to be assured that we are loved? And when that reassurance of love isn't forthcoming, we start to doubt God's love, don't we? We start to feel isolated and abandoned. And isn't that the worst feeling of all?

I believe the worst thing for Jesus wasn't the physical pain of the cross. It was that He was abandoned by His friends. Those to whom He had revealed all He was.

At least Jesus understands. And that's a source of comfort.

Finding meaning - part 2

A long time ago I wrote an article that said some things that I feel might have been misunderstood. How I regretted saying some of the things I did!

I expressed my regret in a comment on the article. As a result, the director of Christian Info Society invited me to write a Part 2 where I could explain myself better.

That article is now online. I do hope you'll visit the Canadian Christianity website and have a look.

Wow! I feel so much better to see it there!

This is the day

My off and on glitches of bad mood continue. Last night was not good. But this morning I was on the patio by 4:45, listening to the birds as I watched it get light. Such a wonderful time with God! Nice and quiet. Too dark yet to read or write. All I could do was sit in the stillness and sip on my coffee. This is the day the Lord has made.

Isn't it wonderful how God makes every day new? Isn't it neat how a good night's sleep will allow you to start fresh in the morning?

Then some quiet time with God, gathering strength and encouragement for the day. God is good.

This evening I have the promise of spending some quality time with a friend who means a lot to me. How I look forward to that! She doesn't very often have time to do this, so this is very special. I'm very grateful.

Yes, as we concluded at last Friday's Living Room meeting, we do need friends too. God wants us to have friends to whom we can reach out when we're in trouble.

Oh to be a David!

I've been running into glitches - at least I hope that's all they are. Last week I felt depressed for an evening and a day and today I am once more. I'm doing all I can to try to escape. Trouble is, in my effort to stay afloat I reach out to friends and I think they're probably getting tired of me. They have enough problems of their own.

If I could only do what I will be talking about on Friday - the devotional I shared in yesterday's post! If going to God would only be enough for me!

But no, I feel a need to cry out and complain to people "with skin on," wanting to make sure I'm heard (and felt sorry for). This past couple of hours though, I've been reading and praying the Psalms. The psalmists have such good ways with words, describing exactly the way I feel. By reading the Psalms I'm encouraged to believe; I'm encouraged to trust. If only I could be a David, and talk to God the way he does and trust so whole-heartedly the way he does.

What consoles me is remembering something I've said a number of times: "I almost have to experience depression once in a while if I'm going to do the work God has given me to do." If I'm going to be a good facilitator and understand fully the people I work with and for, I need to remember what it's like to suffer in that way, don't I?

And that makes me feel there's a purpose to all this pain. It's not for nothing.

Jesus said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:8) At times like this I understand fully what He meant.

I just pray that all this will translate into a good, heart-felt delivery of the devotional topic on Friday - "Intimacy with God." I pray that God's power will be made perfect. And I pray that I'll go to God first while I go through this. I also pray that this is not the beginning of something bigger. I need to try nipping this in the bud in whatever way I can.

Intimacy with God

I've been working on the devotional for Living Room for this Friday. As usual, this one grew out of my own experience, combined with the reading I've been doing.

A while back I was reading Traveling Light by Max Lucado. And I noted how he said that "loneliness is the absence of intimacy." He went on to say how loneliness could be looked on as a gift from God, because when we're lonely and have no one close who we can be honest and intimate with, we would be forced to go to God. He'd be the only one left to go to.

But I so disagree with him and I feel it was a somewhat insensitive thing to say. So many of us living with depression have a hard time going to God when we're in the depths.

I so very much need people with skin on too. A person I can have a coffee with. A person who will respond to what I have to say. I need more than God alone. I need the love of people who represent Him. I need a regular "fix" of people like this. The best are from my church family - people I worship with, people who are spiritually on the same page as me, people who will support me and who I, in turn, can give support to.

There are times when I'm so lonely. Often when depression threatens and especially when depression has taken hold. God seems further away and then I really do need to be reminded I'm loved. And I have found that God does love through people. People can, and have been, God's hands for me. I don't think loneliness is a gift as Lucado claimed.

In his book, One Life, Scot McKnight says, “The dream of Jesus [the kingdom of heaven] never lets anyone dwell in solitude.” So maybe it’s not so bad to need your friends? …but I suppose to rely on them is a bit different, isn’t it? In the end, God is the only one we can truly rely on, isn’t He? People will at times let us down. Our friends are needy as well at times. They can’t always be there for us.

But God is always there for us, even though at times He may seem distant. In fact, He longs for us to reach out to Him. We always long to feel God’s presence, but have you ever thought that God probably longs for us more than we long for Him? Brennan Manning even wrote a book called The Furious Longing of God. By “furious” he referred to the enormous vitality and strength of God – loving us with intense energy. How God wants us to spend time with Him!

A verse that really spoke to me and gave me a lot of comfort some time ago when I was going through a long and deep depression was Zephaniah 3:17:

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Only thing was, I was too down to be able to think of God rejoicing, singing, or taking delight in me. I left that part of the verse out. Mostly what I focused on during those painful days, was "He will quiet you with his love."

What can your church do?

Today we launched the Eventbrite page, publicizing the workshop Living Room will be having on September 17th. If you know of anyone who might be interested in attending could you pass this info along to them?

Mood Disorders: What Can Your Church Do?
Creating a "Living Room" Peer Support Group

Saturday, September 17, 2011, 9AM–1:30PM
Burnaby, British Columbia | Brentwood Park Alliance Church


* Receive a better understanding about mood disorders.
* What does it mean for your church?
* How can your church help with the need in your congregation and community?
* What is a “Living Room” faith-based peer support group?
* Is a “Living Room” peer support group right for your church?
* Does your church have someone who could facilitate a group?

For detailed information check:
A workshop for church leaders and people with mood disorders

We'd so much like to see more people have access to faith-based mood disorder support groups.

Gone fishin'

Just want to let you know I won't be around till July 4th. We've gone fishing. Well, at least my husband has. While he's out in the boat, I will have my head in books. I find it so much easier and better to read when we're away with the motorhome. Wonderful times I have then.

I also plan to work on completing a second book of devotionals to post on the Living Room website. Maybe I'll even get a third book started? Wouldn't that be nice?

Today we have a Living Room meeting, covering the second part of the devotional, "What is Your Dream? What is Jesus' Dream?" I hope everyone will get the message that God will take us further than we could dream of going. All we need to do is trust Him and follow where he leads.

And tomorrow...down the road we'll go. Yay!!

I'm including another picture from our Greek trip here. This is one I received a gold for at camera club last week.

Sanctuary mental health ministries

I had a meeting today with Dr. Sharon Smith and Caroline Penhale who started Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries. They are giving workshops, giving church congregations the tools they need to deal with those amongst them who live with mental illness. Living Room is partnering with this new organization.

An exciting thing this partnership is. These two professionals are able to broach the problem of stigma in a way I'm not able. However, I'm able to fight stigma in a different way that they're not able to do. We come at the problem from two different perspectives and balance each other out. It's a great arrangement. We're gradually learning how we can best work together.

On September 17th Sharon and Caroline will come and speak at a workshop we're having to introduce churches to the Living Room concept. We hope this will lead to new groups for the Vancouver area.

Just for fun - something not having anything to do with mental health - I include another picture from my trip to Greece. I find it kind of mysterious: a wall that's not attached to anything and stairs, seemingly not leading anywhere. I think it should mean something, but I don't know what. What does the picture say to you?

Photographic interlude

Last night I had such a wonderful time looking at my pictures from Greece and printing a few of them. I'll include my favourite one here. I wasn't able to print it very big, because it's only a small part of the original image.

Hope you enjoy.

Being creative is such a pleasure and such a good coping strategy for depression! Trouble is, the housework starts piling up. I need to do some work for an hour, and then reward myself with an hour of creative work.

Good plan?

Self-consumed

At Living Room last Friday, someone brought up how self-consumed she always felt - both when she was depressed and when she was high. And it's so true. We do tend to be that way, don't we, though we don't want to be? It just seems to be part of bipolar disorder. One of the symptoms. All we can think of is our pain. Or, in the case of mania, our grandiose plans. So drawn within we become! Can we learn to control this tendency?

My husband and friends often tell me that they think I'm too consumed with Living Room work. Sometimes that's all I know to talk about. A case of hypomania perhaps? Other times I'm withdrawn, only able to think of how I have failed, of how I'm unworthy. Wrapped up in my emotional pain. All I want to do is sit and putter at little things, endlessly doing sudoku puzzles. Can't reach outside myself to even clean up a messy kitchen. So hard to reach outside myself!

Is this tendency something we can avoid and then not become depressed? From my experience this seems hard to believe. I'm always reaching outside myself, trying to think of others. But is it enough? Maybe I'm spending too much quiet time - too much thinking time - too much analyzing time, as my friend often tells me.

Rudyard Kipling, in his poem "IF" said, "Think, but don't make thoughts your aim." How I've had to remind myself of that over the years! And - being the writer and philosophying person I am - I do spend a lot of time thinking. But that's not all bad, is it? Yet I need to balance the thinking time with doing time.

Today - and once in a while in previous days - I've felt on the verge of depression. Can I ward it off by reaching outside myself? Is it possible?

Mental illness and Christians

I recently received an email from someone who had some questions for me - questions that are not easy to answer. However, I would like to try, and I will do it here on my blog, hoping that others might want to join in the discussion.

This person wrote the following:

"...lately I've turned to Christ in a more serious way (in the past I was so disintegrated that I simply couldn't grasp what faith in Christ meant on a heart level). I know I'm saved now, especially because the Holy Spirit has turned my thinking upside down to a more Christlike view. My soul is literally changing, reflecting the fruits of the Spirit. The problem is, the physical/emotional systems remain unabated. I'm somewhat catatonic, with most of my life spent in front of the TV in a fetal position when things get really bad. Suffice it to say I'm not literally experiencing the peace, love and joy promised by the Scriptures.

Question: How do you handle your pain and issues when things really get bad? How has it affected your Christian walk? And if I remember correctly from the excerpt from your book, you suffer from off again - on again bouts of bipolar disorder. Are there times when you simply shut down? Do things get so bad that you feel that you can't handle it anymore? I've been doing lots of online searches to find people's viewpoints on these issues, but so far they have been elusive."

John (not his real name) talks about how "the Holy Spirit has turned [his] thinking upside down to a more Christlike view. [His] soul is literally changing..."

This is such a good thing, John. You are going through a transformation - the kind of transformation that happens when you start to follow Christ in a real way. But transformations happen slowly and there will be setbacks when you suffer symptoms of your illness. But what I've found is that every time I go through a hard time, even to the point of considering ending my life, I come out - at the end - being a stronger person - especially when, as I go through the bad stuff - I try to hang on to God's hand. I keep trying to trust, though it can be hard. (sorry for this long sentence)And, each time I recover, I've changed a bit - I've become a bit more transformed.

Jesus suffered in a great way too. Consider what He went through at Gethsemane. God fully understands what we go through and we can gather comfort from that knowledge. We're not alone in our suffering. He will help us carry it. Try to hang onto that promise.

Over the past few years, I have prayed much for an other-centeredness. A not-thinking-so-much of myself alone. These self-consumed thoughts and feelings are natural to have when you're suffering and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself having that tendency. However, if you can, it's great if you can try to think of others - of their needs - of how you can be of help to them.

I fail at this when I'm having a really hard time. And yet, during my last big depression, I read in a book about how we don't live for ourselves alone. And how that comforted me! It's not all about me! And for a short while I was encouraged. Likewise, when I was suicidal, I asked my pastor to please remind me of why I should live. He responded, "The reason you live is so that you can give others a reason to live." That encouraged me greatly and I tried to hang onto that thought.

2 Corinthians 1:4 has come to mean a lot to me.

"Praise be to God...the Father of compassion...who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

As you become more and more transformed, John, you will find an ability to be more and more compassionate to others who suffer as you do - more and more Christlike. You will have the ability to help others bear their suffering, because you'll understand them better than anyone else could. You'll be greatly blessed as you share of yourself with them. You will experience the peace, love, and joy promised in the Bible.

But the road will be rocky. Transformation does not mean you'll never suffer again. You will have many setbacks where you will have to hang on for dear life to your faith in a loving God. But each setback should eventually lead to making you a bit stronger.

Surround yourself with people who will be able to support you as you go though those rough times. I pray that you will be able to find friends in your life who will be God's hands for you, when God Himself seems far away.

Leaving for awhile

Just want to let you know that my husband and I will be off on a holiday for the next three weeks, so I won't be online.

My son and his wife and I were talking last night about what blogging should be. And, I'm sorry I haven't done very well at it lately. Not only haven't I posted; I haven't been visiting other people's blogs. I'm so very sorry! Don't know what's happened to me. Just haven't been able to focus on it. Too much off-line stuff in my life, I guess.

And yet, I know how important it is to keep those on-line ties. They were so important to me at one time. I made so many friends. And I know the blogging ties would still be important to me if I would just keep them up.

Ughh!! Sometimes I wish I had several lives that I could live: child photographer, Living Room organizer, peer counselor, writer, good wife, and fantastic blogger.

Maybe I should quit the blogging altogether. Maybe Facebook would work better for me at this stage of my life.

...thinking...

Representing God

A few days ago someone told me about a friend with a mental illness who had lost her faith in God because she had been rejected at church.

How that upset and angered me! How sad that is!

Why would Christians be so unloving? Don't they remember that it's Christ they're supposed to be following? Jesus, God on Earth, the One who showed us what love truly is.

God loves us through people. If we are Christians we are called to be God's representatives. Do we represent Him well?

In his book Soul Cravings, Erwin McManus talks about the level of trust we need to be able to have with others who are part of an authentic community - which the church should be. He said, "Honesty is the only context in which intimacy can develop." We need to be able to be honest with God's people, all of us recognizing that each of us is a flawed human being. "It makes it easier for me to remember that God will never reject me because I'm not good enough and that any community that has His heart will embrace me as I am. Jesus invites us into a community where imperfect people can find acceptance, love, forgiveness, and a new beginning."

If every church community could only be like this! Welcoming honest sharing. Welcoming people, though they might be different. Reaching out to people who need to be reminded that God loves them.