Finding meaning - part 2

A long time ago I wrote an article that said some things that I feel might have been misunderstood. How I regretted saying some of the things I did!

I expressed my regret in a comment on the article. As a result, the director of Christian Info Society invited me to write a Part 2 where I could explain myself better.

That article is now online. I do hope you'll visit the Canadian Christianity website and have a look.

Wow! I feel so much better to see it there!

Cringing with regret

In 2007 I had a piece published at canadianchristianity.com with the title "Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder." This also happens to be the subtitle of my book A Firm Place to Stand.

Since then 19 people have commented on that article, some of them quite upset with me, especially with my opening line, "Mental illness is not all bad." I have often wished I could rewrite that article, leaving out that line. Because, as people commented, it IS bad. It's like saying cancer isn't all bad. I guess what I was trying to say was that good can come out of trials.

But I agree with those who commented, bipolar disorder is a horrid disease. I believe I myself said in a recent post how I hate this disorder. Last year was a very bad year for me.

This morning I wrote a comment on my own article, saying how I would like to eat my words. I was so wrong to talk the way I did.

I've been invited to write a follow-up article and think I will do that soon. A good project to keep me occupied while I'm without a voice.

I would love your feedback on the article and any thoughts you might have on the topic.

Bipolar no fun

I've been toying with the idea to post again, though my moods are still not stable. I'm finding I'm rapid cycling and even at times having mixed moods - depression and high together at one time. Don't ask me to describe it or tell you how it works. It just does.

But I need to write. To express all the thoughts and feelings that I have inside. So much on my mind.

What prompted me to post now, at this point, is the re-publishing of an article I wrote a long time ago. How I regret having written that piece! How I wish I could take it back! But it has been published in quite a few places and there's no way to go back.

The title of the article is "Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder", which also happens to be the subtitle of my book, A Firm Place to Stand. The latest place it was published was here.

I wrote (cringe) "Mental illness is not all bad. I have lived with bipolar disorder for over forty years and have found it has many benefits. I couldn’t imagine living without it and am not at all unhappy with my life." And - oh my goodness - I want to take that back.

Bipolar can be horrific. It can ruin relationships, break families apart, totally make life unbearable. I am finding that now. It's taking all I've got to try to cope. It's taking all I've got to keep trusting God. It's taking all I've got to try and make me a person my husband can bear to live with. This is so hard on him!!

Yes, having this disorder has helped make me the person I am - creative, compassionate, and I draw close to God daily. But I'd rather not have it. I'd rather my life were easier. I'd rather I wouldn't make a fool of myself as often as I do. I'd rather be able to have better control over my emotions. How I wish I could be stable!!

Today I had to back out of a speaking engagement because I simply couldn't commit, didn't know how I would be at the time of the event. There are too many things I simply daren't do, because the stress of it might trigger an episode. When I'm well I can speak quite well. But when I'm down I simply shouldn't try.

Yes, I've accomplished a lot with Living Room. But I'm finding myself less and less able to keep up with the work I've started. And I long for someone who could eventually take the baton from me and run strong, in good health, able to lead an army to champion the cause of Christians living with mental illness.

So, yeah, bipolar disorder is a bummer. I wish I could be normal. And yet, I need to say with the psalmist, "and yet I will praise God." He's my only hope.

So that's what's happening!!

I saw my pdoc today and he told me that I'm rapid cycling. So that's it! The moods I've been experiencing lately have not been normal for me. I'm usually much more stable, much more able to cope.

I'm feeling fine right now though. As long as I have the opportunity to work on my creative projects.

But tomorrow I will undergo a medication increase. More anti-depressant and more anti-psychotic. And we'll hope and pray that this will do the trick and get me back to a more level me.

It's just a relief to know that this is not the regular me. That the way I have been is not the way I always have to be. A relief to know that all the complaining I've felt kind of ashamed of airing was not unfounded.

In the meantime I'm having fun designing the calendar. A fair amount of work, but I think it will be worth it when it's done. Beautiful glossy two-sided paper. Beautiful colour. Yes!!!

Hope you all are doing okay as well. I'd be rather happy if you sent a comment - complaining if it's what you want to do. Then I wouldn't have to feel so alone. Not that I'm really alone. It's just that I don't want to be the only one always complaining.

Never stable?

My friend at church and I have been praying for stability for me, for an end to the ups and downs. But you know, I don't think that's in God's plans for me. I'm pretty sure I'll always been on a roller coaster. That's what it is to be bipolar and I'll just have to accept that.

I've been wondering lately what is normal for me. What is the real me? The joyous person I was on Easter Sunday? Or is it the person I became last night when my mood dropped so significantly that my husband noticed it right away? I don't know whether there is a normal me.

A friend told me I'm being over-analytical, always trying to figure out where I'm at within myself. But I need to know so I can respond with plans for days that are healthy for me. So I can plan to do things to raise my low mood or things to level me off if my mood is too high. Psychiatrists tell their patients to keep mood charts. That requires that each day you analyze where you're at.

I do know that I need to start each day with God, asking for His help, asking for me to feel His presence, asking Him to help me live for Him, no matter what my mood. I need to cling to God as I cling to the handbars of a roller coaster as I ride. It helps me feel more secure, more confident, more safe.

...And I need to stop thinking too much but do more. Plan to accomplish a few things each day. Thinking too much just encourages the onset of depression. ...Or does depression encourage too much thinking? Hard to know which comes first.

It's all about finding a balance, isn't it?

I hate this disorder

I've come to a place where I haven't been before, at least I don't recollect having been here before. I hate having this disorder and lacking the control I would like to have over my feelings and subsequent behaviour. Last week I was hard on a person, blaming him for the depression I was feeling. But I shouldn't have had such depression over what had happened and I shouldn't have laid the blame on someone else for it.

Now I feel such shame for adding to this person's already stressful life. I'm just so very sorry. And I'm ashamed for having a disorder that makes me do things like this. I just pray that he'll forgive me. Even more than this I hope and pray his life will become easier and less stressful.

In my writings and all my work I encourage people not to feel ashamed of their bipolar disorder. I encourage them to look at it as just another illness, one they're not to be blamed for having. And yet today I feel ashamed. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to burden them with too much of me. I lean too heavily on two or three people and I regret that. And yet it isn't within my power to stop. I need their support. It's because of their support that I've been able to do as well as I have. Without these wonderful friends in my life there would be no Living Room.

I've had such a lot of attention as the founder of Living Room. People think so much of what I do. And yet without my supporters and their encouragement to always stay close to God, I would be nothing.

Just want to thank you, my friends, you know who you are, for all you've been to me. I want to thank you for how you've shown Christ's love to me. And I pray that I will find a way to burden you less, though I don't know if I can. I've tried before. I love you.

Help needed

A couple of days ago I received an email from someone with a problem that is so common. It hurt me to read it:

"I am a Christian, but I feel so very alone in my battles and struggles. I know I shouldn't, but I feel ashamed and embarrassed to ask for prayer related to my disorder. I guess I still don't want to "admit" I have it (bipolar disorder). In addition, I feel like a failure with regards to my career outside the home. Heck, I feel like a failure with being a stay-at-home mom and wife much of the time! I could go on and on, but what I really want to ask is what resources or support groups might be available to me that take into account that I have bipolar but I am also a follower of Christ? I need His strength, but I also yearn for the support of those who hold the same worldview/belief system."

So many Christians have this need. A need for support from fellow believers, yet afraid to tell them about their struggles with a mental disorder. Afraid that they're going to be thought of as a bad Christian. Afraid of being judged and rejected.

My heart goes out to this lady. If only there could be more Living Room groups for people like her. We need Living Room groups everywhere. And I pray to God that word of it will spread and that many more groups will be established. And I pray that the stigma within the church will be reduced. Please, God, help this happen.

If you live in or near Minneapolis, have a faith in Jesus Christ, and have bipolar disorder could you let me know? Or if you know of a faith-based support group in that area, please let me know so I can pass the information on to this lady. Please email me at marja@livingroomsupport.org. It would be so good to get such support for her.

If you want to read more about Living Room check this article which was published recently about faith-based mood disorder support. Does this inspire you? Is God calling you to get involved too?

Finding support

It's common knowledge how important it is to have a support system in place when you have a mood disorder. Actually, everyone alive needs some kind of support system. I spoke in my last post about how hard it can be to find people who will listen to us and support us when we're going through a depression. But we need people of all kinds - for all phases of our lives - if we're going to stay well.

What kind of support do I need? These are the ones I've come up with, though there may be more. They're not in any particular order.

1. I have a full life and a mind that overflows with ideas. I need people who will listen to me as I debrief. I am close to these people and call or email them often.
2. I need people who will listen to me when I'm in deep trouble - people who will comfort me and pray with me.
3. I need my husband, a partner who eats, works, and plays with me.
4. I need friends who have the same disorder as I do - people who understand me fully.
5. I need people to support, because that takes me out of the victim role and helps me feel good and strong. In the giving I receive.
6. I need friends who share my writing and photography interests.
7. I need friends to just have fun with - to have over for a barbecue or go out with.
8. I need family to do family things with.
9. I need a pastor and a counselor in whom I can confide.
10. I need a psychiatrist who respects me and looks after my medical needs, considerate of my opinion and desires.
11. I need woman friends to have discussions with about life - to give encouragement to and receive encouragement from.
12. I need fellow Living Room facilitators to discuss problems with.
13. I need to have a close relationship with God.
14. I need online friends who will read my blog and make comments.

Finding fulfillment

My husband and I got back from our holiday last night. We had a wonderful time - a true true rest. Something I needed. Now I feel refreshed and eager to get back to work. I was even making a list of all the things I wanted to do when I got home...while I was still on the cruise.

Just before we left I was corresponding with someone who has bipolar disorder and hasn't been able to work for awhile. She wrote:

"I personally feel discouragement, a loss of identity, and a lot of shame & guilt having been off work for this long."

I can well remember similar feelings - actually throughout most of my adult life off and on. For many years I scoured the Help Wanted pages of the newspaper on a daily basis, hoping to find work I'd be able to do. I wanted to earn money. I wanted to feel I had some value. But the two or three times I tried to work at part time jobs, I couldn't keep it up longer than two months. Always ended up in tears. The stress was just too great.

I was constantly trying to find something meaningful to do - something that would make me feel that my life had some value. With my photography I tried to earn money; I tried to become famous. Though I did earn a bit of money, and though I did receive a good reputation for my photography, neither of these were fulfilling in the long run. "Is that all there is?" I would repeatedly think to myself.

As I got older I gradually learned what was most important to me. Now I love what I'm doing and don't feel I need to be rich or famous. I just want to help people with mental illness - just get a good feeling from doing so. I want to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. My life has become meaningful.

But it was a long road to get here. And, even now, there are times that I wish I could earn some real money, even though my husband supports the both of us well enough.

It IS tricky to find a life that is meaningful when bipolar keeps you from being able to make longterm commitments. And I do still have trouble comfortably doing that. Episodes still come along and I cannot trust how I'm going to be from month to month.

My book A Firm Place to Stand deal with a lot of these questions and the struggles I've had over the years. I found out that it IS possible to find a fulfilling life. It's tricky, and it will take a lot of work, a lot of trial and error. A person needs to do a lot of searching to find out what is most important to her and where her talents lie.

The person I quoted also made another comment:

"I'm wondering How can I actually feel OK about accepting this new life, and be at peace with it."

And it does start with accepting our disorder and the limitations it puts upon us, doesn't it? Yet I believe we can create a rich life, in spite of these limitations.

How do you feel about all this? Where have your struggles taken you? Have you been able to find hope in spite of your disorder? I'd love to hear your stories.

Hard to believe

It's hard to believe how my mental health has improved over the years. Amazing how far I have come!

The friends from my current church who have known me for four or five years think I've made great strides since they got to know me. But they didn't know me in the years before that. They have no idea how much improvement I've made!

I recall the time I became angry at my husband at a park. I yelled and screamed at him, making a huge scene. And I wouldn't let up. I used to yell and scream a lot.

I recall months in a mental hospital, not able to speak - delusional, paranoid, (more than I can talk about here). Going through a series of electro-convulsive shock treatments. Twenty years of living with a diagnosis of schizophrenia when it was later found that I had type 1 bipolar disorder.

I recall weeks and months spent in my bedroom, either in deep depression or psychotic.

I recall going to the church every day for some little thing or just to hang out. At one point the secretary even lost her temper with me, letting me know that they had work to do and I was in the way.

I recall doing odd things, behaving oddly, saying odd things, being awkward socially, getting into embarrassing situations.

Today I can honestly say I have been healed...to a high degree anyway. I feel like a normal person - stable, content and at peace. There are a lot of exciting things happening in my life right now: A Firm Place to Stand ready for release with a big book launch planned, my Living Room doing well with three new groups being established in the fall (one of them all the way in New Zealand). Yet I feel calm - not high in the slightest degree - at peace with it all.

Yes I've found healing. I still have bipolar disorder and I'm sure I'll have more mood disturbances, yet to a large degree I've found wellness and normality.

What's making me so well?

• a good concoction of medications,
• the support of loving friends,
• my faith in a God who I can trust and who I know loves me,
• spending a couple of hours in the early morning, meditating, journaling, reading, praying,
  
• living to my best ability the kind of life Jesus modelled - which mostly consists of simply loving others,
• finding a purpose worth living for - ie, supporting others who suffer as I have in the past and dispelling the stigma towards mental illness in the church,
• helping others learn about God's love for them.

Totally amazing, isn't it? All things are possible with God.

A letter to "down and out in South Carolina"

Someone who is hurting very much right now left a response to my post, Somewhat califragelistic but grateful. This is a letter to her, and I hope it will help her deal with her pain somewhat. She asks for advice. I'm not sure I can give that, but if any of you can help her with the situation she's dealing with, I invite your comments.

Dear "Down and out",

When we bipolars go into a stressed mode and when our mood is affected, we often do and say things that we would otherwise not do. Bipolar disorder is a disease of the brain and will affect how we think and what we do and say. Our judgment is affected. Christmas is a time when this can happen more than normally.

I remember one Christmas a few years ago when I was worried about my mother-in-law driving. She was in her early nineties and I was really concerned about her safety and the safety of others. Because of the time of year, I was under a lot of stress. So many things to do and think about! My mood was heavily affected.

One day I talked to my mother-in-law, telling her that she needed to stop driving - that she needed to change her way of living and start relying on others more. I even suggested she go into a care facility. This was very hurtful to her. I wanted to control her so she would be safe, yet she was an independent woman who still had a lot to give. My worries put my judgement way off and I was pretty blunt. And she - in a way that was uncharacteristic for her - was very blunt with me. I could tell she was angry and in tears. (This happened over the phone.)

In the following days I realized what I had done. I apologized to her - me in tears this time. It hurt me so much to think that our good relationship might be ruined. It wasn't. But it did take a while for things to mend between us. Now we are very good friends.

All this is to say that the stress of Christmas can do things to us - especially those of us who deal with mood issues. It can make us do and say unfortunate things.

If you can try to understand that your mother-in-law is struggling with a lot right now, perhaps it will be easier for you to deal with her. It must be very hurtful to have her children not visiting her. Please try to love her and realize that she needs you to be strong. She needs your support and it sounds like she is receiving it. And you should feel good about that.

I don't know if this helped at all. I hope it did. And I hope you will soon heal so that you can enjoy the season.

The gifts of bipolar disorder

Having bipolar disorder isn't all bad, especially when you are fortunate enough to have medications that work for you. This illness has been with me since I was nineteen years old and I am now 61. I couldn't imagine being a regular person - a person without a mental disorder. Seems to me that might be quite boring.

I've come to accept the way God, the great potter, made me. I've learned to make my disorder work for me rather than against me. Today I look on my bipolar disorder as a gift, a gift with many benefits.

I'd like to share with you fifteen things I value about this life with bipolar disorder. (it's possible someone else may already have done this but I'm not sure.) I like being bipolar because:

1. I experience a wide range of emotions. While often painful, it provides a richness. I feel so very human.
2. I can be unbelievably creative
3. when I'm not depressed, I usually have lots of energy and accomplish a lot
4. I have learned a language many don't have access to: the language of suffering. This helps me understand and connect with many people. I know how to help others.
   
5. I consider King David a brother who I can relate to. His Psalms touch me deeply.
6. I love people so very much: another product of strong emotion. It's beautiful.
7. my suffering has taught me to value the good times and make the most of them
8. my experience with depression, mania, and psychosis has helped me learn to be strong
9. the pain I have suffered has been like a fire as it refines metals. It has built my character.
10. I have learned to have compassion for others because I know what it is to go through rough times
11. it has taught me humility
12. it has taught me gratitude for all that is good in my life. I don't take anything for granted.
13. it helped me turn to God, knowing I could not survive under my own willpower
14. it encouraged me to have a faith that has transformed my life
15. it makes each day an exciting adventure.

God IS good and I thank him.