I can't talk

Hi everyone. Over the past week I've had a doozy of a cold. And now, starting yesterday, I completely lost my voice. All I can do is whisper. What a strange feeling to try and say something to my husband and have almost nothing come out. When I want to tell him anything in the least involved, I email him. Weird, eh? I hope I get over this soon because this is really slowing me down.

While I've been sickly I've worked on making Spanish bookmarks for a mission team from our church to take with them. My goal is to make 500 with 15 or so different designs. A lot of work, but I know they're well appreciated, so it feels good to make them.

But what I really want to get going on is working to help more Living Room groups get going. I want to explain Living Room to church representatives, getting them enthused about the ministry. I have some ideas, but first I need a voice so that I can discuss them with my team. How frustrating when you really want to move ahead but things get in the way! Ah well! I need to have patience, don't I?

...And yet, I always feel a sense of urgency when there are things that I see need to be done. I've been reading Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus, previously published as Seizing Your Divine Moment. McManus writes about the importance of passion. On the back cover the book is described as

"a call to live a life of blazing urgency. We have but one life. We are given one opportunity to pursue our dreams and fulfill our divine purpose. Every moment counts, and we must engage them with fierceness and zeal. Put an end to passive observation, paralyzed by the need for perfect opportunity, and start seizing the raw, untapped potential of your life with God."

That sounds like the recipe for a life of adventure, doesn't it? And that's what Living Room has given me - a life of adventure. I thank God for the journey. I thank Him for the privilege.

My splintery platform

Several weeks ago I turned over leadership of my Living Room group at Brentwood Park Alliance Church to my co-facilitator, Mark. I thought my emotional health was too unstable and wanted a strong facilitator for the group. My on-again off-again depression was proving to be too much. Thought I should have a break and return when I was stronger. (I attended the last meeting, but left everything to Mark to run.)

I've had a good rest, turning my energy to cooking and to spending more time with my husband. Now I'm wondering whether I'm ready to return to full leadership. I hesitate because I still have down times. I'm still not stable. But - I wonder - will I ever be completely stable? I expect not. Does that mean I should not lead a Living Room group? I don't think that's the case.

I think facilitators who deal with mood disorders are always in danger of falling into depression or rising to mania or hypomania. When these problems get bad it's so good to have a co-facilitator to take over for awhile. But I'm learning that I'll never be perfect and I should take back the leadership when I've started doing better - when I've had a chance to have a good break.

A friend gave me Dear Jesus, a devotional book written by Sarah Young. Those devotionals are proving to be the perfect thing for me to start my early morning quiet times with.

This morning's devotional helped me in my struggle to decide whether or not I should return to leadership. The author - and I along with her - asks Jesus:

Dear Jesus,
"I want to be available for the display of Your Power and Glory. But I feel more like a splintery, unfinished platform than a polished ready-to-use stage. I may not even be safe enough for Your performance, since some of my boards aren't nailed down properly."

and Jesus answers:

"Beloved, no matter how polished you might become, you could never be good enough for the display of My radiant holiness. However, I have chosen you to reflect My Glory, despite your imperfections. Moreover, your weakness is the ideal stage for the exhibition of My Power. Your part in this drama is to look away from yourself and gaze at Me in My awesome splendor. Forget about your unworthiness and delight yourself in My glorious Being. Watch while I perform great things for you."

Yes, I need to look away from myself and my imperfections and look at Jesus. I need to forget about the feelings of unworthiness that have been plaguing me and think about Jesus and what He can do...and all He has done. I need to say to myself, "Forget yourself, Marja. It's not about you at all."

I'm preparing my heart for our next meeting on January 14th. Looking forward to sharing Jesus with others who suffer from mood disorders. Looking forward to sharing how He can work in us and through us, in spite of our imperfections. As Jesus said,

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

And yet....

Psalms 42 and 43 which we studied at our last Living Room Bible study sure hit home for those of us there. We could relate to the psalmists' laments. We could relate for the thirsting after God expressed in the opening verses:

"As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?"

You'll remember the wonderful hymn based on this Psalm. How well that song ministered to me a few weeks ago when Nancie shared it with me!

As we studied these Psalms we saw how the writers expressed their depression, but clung to the hope they had in God. In spite of everything they're able to say,

"Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."

Oh to be able to cling to God in that way! In spite of everything to be able to say "...I will yet praise Him."

These same words are repeated three times within Psalm 42 and 43.

How can we who suffer from mood disorders hang onto such faith? How can we get ourselves to the place where we can say, "...and yet I will praise Him. In spite of everything, I will praise Him."

I think we need to keep wanting God, to keep hungering for Him. We need to talk to Him. And that can start by simply saying "hello" to Him. I believe God is pleased when we yearn for Him and He will be there for us. He will show Himself. The Bible says that he who seeks will find. So true!!

God is always there. He doesn't leave; it's we who leave Him. But all we need to do is talk to Him...to say "hello" and whatever else we'd like to tell Him about how we feel and how we need His comfort and His peace.

We'll be discussing this topic at Living Room this Friday. If you're in the Burnaby area, might you like to come along? Just check the website for the information. You'd be most welcome.

The best kind of friend

The best kind of friend you can have is someone who will cry with you when you cry and celebrate with you when you're joyous. What amazing bonds can form when a friend is so sympathetic to where you are emotionally!

I have three friends like that now, and what a treasure they are! How grateful I am for them!

During my last bout of struggles, a friend from church prayed with me when I was going through a particularly hard time. She seemed to feel what I was feeling and thus knew exactly how to pray. When I turned so dramatically, she felt my joy too - because she too knew what that kind of joy was like. She was able to celebrate with me. How good it is when you're feeling overjoyed to have someone share with you in it! We need people to share our feelings with, don't we? The good stuff as well as the bad stuff. It's so good to be understood. And yet, so often we're not. Understanding people can be so hard to find, especially when we most need them.

How often haven't you felt alone with strong feelings - whether it be pain or joy - with no one available to share with? And how good it is to have someone you can call - someone who cares! I wish everyone could have friends like that at times like this. Someone to comfort them. Someone to remind them of God's love. Someone to pray with.

I'm glad for our Living Room ministry, because here, at least twice a month, people with emotional problems can share their pains and their joys. Here we are ready to hear and to be there for each other. We have a meeting coming up on Friday and I pray that we will be in sympathy with each other - whether that means to cry with each other or to celebrate joys. I know we will be.

Living Room times - healing times

I'm healing. Feeling rather quiet and not carefree yet, but healing. This morning I talked to the person who I had hurt and his response to my apology was comforting. I knew he would forgive, yet I did need to talk to him personally and hear him say he would. I needed to hear we were okay.

Our Living Room meeting was such a blessing. God so very much there. The person giving the devotional spoke from his heart, asking the question, "What has your mood disorder taught you?" After a bit, I spoke from my heart, telling them all I had been through this week - how I couldn't live with what I had done. How badly I felt about what my bipolar depression had caused me to do. I opened my broken and contrite heart and poured everything out, comforted to know that there were compassionate souls there to listen.

And others spoke from the heart. We shared from the depths of our being. No fear of judgment. Full acceptance and love for each other. What a special meeting it was! And how the Holy Spirit worked in each of us, healing us!

Thank you, God, for Living Room.

In all honesty

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't posted for so long. Unfortunately, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to post - increasingly difficult to be absolutely honest about the stuff I'm dealing with. Instead, I journal and email my closest friends.

Thing is, when you're in leadership and when you're trying to be there for people, you just don't want everyone to know the truth about everything, especially when you're struggling.

I'm not doing badly right now but, in true bipolar fashion, there have been times and there are times...

I was looking at the bipolarireland website the other day and read the perfect description of what I go through. "Over the life of a person who lives with bipolar disorder, the illness expresses itself in an irregular pattern of changes of mood, energy and thinking." So true! And how irregular my changes of mood, energy and thinking have been lately - from day to day!

Good thing I have a lot more than just myself to think about. Good thing I have a worthwhile purpose to live for. Good thing I have a lot of people to support me and pray for me in the work I do. Good thing I'm trusting God, most of the time...or do I do enough of that?

Actually all too often I start thinking everything's up to me alone and I forget that it's God doing the work and I just have to follow along. How comforting when God brings me back, when I remember that I can relax - when I don't need to be as stressed.

Often lately I've felt overwhelmed, which is actually - I think - just a symptom of depression. There's my own Living Room group to look after. And then there's the greater Living Room movement, a movement that is growing. Exciting, eh? And yet it's a huge responsibility, especially for someone dealing with such fluctuations in "mood, energy, and thinking." If only I had only one of those responsibilities to deal with - the group or the movement - life would be easier to manage. Or would it?

I love my group. I love leading devotional times. I love being there for individuals as they go through struggles. The relationships I develop are priceless. And God is very much in those relationships. I feel His presence in the love I share with those people. I could never give up my group or its people.

And I'm committed to seeing more Living Room groups spring up. I want to see lots of Living Rooms to serve people who need faith-based support. I want to see this movement securely in place to continue long after I'm gone. Because it's a valuable ministry, a ministry that all Christians with mood disorders should have access to. A place where they can talk about both, their faith and mental health issues - probably the only place where they can feel safe doing so. I could never give up planting new Living Rooms.

Ah, it's felt good talking to you. It's felt good being honest with you. Please don't feel sorry for me. I lead a rich life. I'm hugely blessed. Just need a bit of prayer now and again. And doesn't everyone?

Walking a tightrope

My moods continue to go up and down. And when I feel ok, it's as though I'm walking a tightrope, trying to maintain my balance so I don't fall one way or another.

Amazing how many symptoms there are to watch out for. And each time one of those symptoms shows itself, I have to put a different coping mechanism into place, read a different psalm, pray a different prayer.

There are the lonely feelings, the poor eating, overwhelmed feelings where I can't see how I can possibly manage doing the many things I need to do, unable to organize a list. Little things seem like big things. I've even had moments thinking I couldn't go on. Thank God those moments have been brief ones.

Not having my husband home makes all this more difficult. I'm not into a good routine, eat at odd times or don't eat at all. Eat weird stuff, not the kind of meals I'd have if he were home.

Being alone for such long periods makes it easy to sit for long uninterrupted periods in thought, unaware that I'm doing it. This thinking has often signalled problems for me. When it happens I need to remember Rudyard Kipling's line in his poem If. "If you can think but don't make thoughts your aim." When that line comes to mind I make the effort to "do" something. So important to stay active. The more I sit in thought, the more likely I'm going to get drawn down into depression. I wouldn't call myself depressed right now, but I am doing battle with it...in many ways. The Psalms are a good companion right now. Psalm 18, 91, and 40 have been very meaningful to me in the past while.

I'm preparing for Living Room on Friday. Also preparing for the Into the Light: Transforming Mental Health in Canada conference coming up this Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Living Room will have a poster presentation to make there. I'll have an opportunity to interact with conference attendees and tell them about it.

I will have to walk my tightrope well. Do all the right things. Stay well.

When we see things dimly

I've been reading Wayne Cordeiro's book, Leading on Empty: Refilling your tank and renewing your passion, and am finding it very helpful for what I'm going through right now.

Cordeiro says, "When we see things dimly, we invite depression, which can be defined as a perceived inability to reconstruct your future." When we're hit with depression we need to remind ourselves of what God called us to do in the first place. If we can focus on that, we can start rebuilding.

But what comes first: the depression and anxiety or the lack of focus? Or do the two come about simultaneously? Hard to say.

I do know that what triggered my present battle was a number of things, all of them causing anxious thoughts which led to depression. I have been seeing the work God gave me to do "dimly." Having a hard time focusing. I'm trying very hard to re-focus though, spending much time in prayer.

It's all about remembering what God gave me to do and why I'm doing it, isn't it? It's all about believing in it. I've made a list of my priorities and am meditating on them often. And I think my prayers are starting to help. Focussing on my calling is helping with the depression. It's helping me think more positively.

Cordeiro talks about Paul's trials with storms and snakebites. Yet he never forgot his divine commission to witness in Rome, as he had witnessed in Jerusalem. This gave him the confidence to withstand anything. I want to be like Paul.

Anxiety, depression, and prayer

My second post of the day. But I thought I needed to pass this along because it's important.

My friend asked me this morning whether I've prayed over my anxieties, all the stuff that seems to be triggering the threat of depression right now. And I realized that I hadn't prayed. Hadn't even thought of praying. Pretty bad.

She pointed out Psalm 37: 3-5 in particular, especially good in the Amplified version:

"Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and the secret petitions of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]: trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass."

Reading that did me a lot of good. And yes, I need to take that to heart. I need to pray.

This morning I used the SAD lamp. It left me a bit "light" headed. So bright! Don't know which helped more, the lamp or the Bible verses and prayer. Methinks I should use both. In any case, I feel better today.

And, thank God, just heard this minute from another person, second within a week, wanting to start a Living Room group. Praise God!!

And that's what my work is all about, isn't it? Helping people receive faith-based support for their problems with mood disorder. Why worry about petty things? I have God on my side and He will care for my needs.

Help needed

A couple of days ago I received an email from someone with a problem that is so common. It hurt me to read it:

"I am a Christian, but I feel so very alone in my battles and struggles. I know I shouldn't, but I feel ashamed and embarrassed to ask for prayer related to my disorder. I guess I still don't want to "admit" I have it (bipolar disorder). In addition, I feel like a failure with regards to my career outside the home. Heck, I feel like a failure with being a stay-at-home mom and wife much of the time! I could go on and on, but what I really want to ask is what resources or support groups might be available to me that take into account that I have bipolar but I am also a follower of Christ? I need His strength, but I also yearn for the support of those who hold the same worldview/belief system."

So many Christians have this need. A need for support from fellow believers, yet afraid to tell them about their struggles with a mental disorder. Afraid that they're going to be thought of as a bad Christian. Afraid of being judged and rejected.

My heart goes out to this lady. If only there could be more Living Room groups for people like her. We need Living Room groups everywhere. And I pray to God that word of it will spread and that many more groups will be established. And I pray that the stigma within the church will be reduced. Please, God, help this happen.

If you live in or near Minneapolis, have a faith in Jesus Christ, and have bipolar disorder could you let me know? Or if you know of a faith-based support group in that area, please let me know so I can pass the information on to this lady. Please email me at marja@livingroomsupport.org. It would be so good to get such support for her.

If you want to read more about Living Room check this article which was published recently about faith-based mood disorder support. Does this inspire you? Is God calling you to get involved too?

Confidentiality

I'm having a bit of a problem deciding how to treat a confidentiality issue. Is it right for me to even ask a Living Room member to have his or her picture taken for an article on mental illness and the church?

Our policy is to keep everything confidential, even who does and does not come to Living Room meetings. But I've been asked by the editor of a newspaper which is doing this article, an article which will include a lot about Living Room, if I would supply a picture of some of the members. Now I just don't know if it's right for me to even ask them. Yet the cause is so good. Maybe some of our members would like to do this to further reducing the stigma. It would be their opportunity to contribute.

Just writing about it here has helped me make up my mind. I will ask one or two people and make it very clear they don't have to feel they're letting me down if they don't feel comfortable.

Awareness grows

Hey! This is post number 400! Think I should do something special to celebrate? Maybe go out for dinner? Have a bottle of bubbly tonight?

Maybe I should just write a good, hopeful post.

I had a one hour interview yesterday with a writer from a major Christian newspaper. One of my recent Living Room updates that I sent to facilitators and facilitators-to-be had filtered down to this paper. They were impressed enough to decide to publish a feature article about mental illness and the church. The Living Room story should occupy a good part of that piece. Yes!!! Living Room is doing its stuff, some of the stuff I was hopeful it would do, helping churches realize they can, and need to, help people with mental illness.

I, together with a couple of others, am working on updating the manuals. That will be followed by an updating of the website. Both these things will have to be done quickly now so that all is done by the time the article comes out in early October.

I've been holding back writing about Living Room, waiting for this updating to be done. Don't want to send people to the website until it's where it should be. It would be wasted energy to send them there at this point. All my publicity will have to wait for a wee time.

And, by the way, the problem with my friend I wrote about in my last post is getting ironed out, thank God. I don't like upsetting people. And I don't like losing friends. Peace and harmony is far better.

A balancing act

Life is a balancing act, isn't it? Trying to find balance between work and play, solitude and being with others, quiet times and busy times. I've been working hard to find such a balance now-a-days.

My last holiday showed me how refreshing it is to have down times - times away from responsibilities, times to spend in a book or just quietly reflecting. I remember how depressed I was for so long, how hard it was to get motivated. Today I feel very motivated. I've once more got lots of irons in the fire. But I want to stay motivated and not become overwhelmed with it all. I want to make sure I take lots of down times to keep myself fresh as well.

As you know, I get up very early in the morning, so I do have some valuable down times then. Time to spend with my Bible and in prayer. Time to remember what's important to me and what I most need to spend my time doing.

My mental health work, especially Living Room, takes up most of my time and energy. This is what's most important to me. It's what I believe God made me to do. I also have a 95-year-old mother who needs my attention on a regular basis. I need to spend time with my husband. Then there's the household. And there are my friends. And my reading, so important for my growth. ...and then there's my blogging, something that I've unfortunately had to slow down on considerably.

I want to keep the refreshed feeling I had following my last holiday. This means that I will have to be careful not to get too busy and to keep some time for myself.

The last two weeks were very busy. To make up for it I'm trying to keep this week quiet. I need to do some creative work, something I had promised myself to make time for. I want to print some of the photos I took on our holiday. I also want to turn some of those photos into drawings. They might become Christmas presents. Christmas??? Uggh! Hate the thought.

Up and down

Hi everyone,

It has been a long time since I posted. Things haven't been good. Every once in a while a good day and every once in awhile an absolutely horrendous day.

I am grateful for the good weather we've had. I've been able to spend the early morning hours sitting on the patio, listening to the birds, enjoying the flowers, aware of God's presence. Those times have been healing.

I've discovered that one of my worst problems lately has been Living Room. This ministry that always gave me such a feeling of joy has become a burden. I feel very alone with the responsibility - and it is a big responsibility.

Is it the depression that is making it feel like a burden? Or is the burden causing the depression? I'm not sure what it is. I just know that I need a lot of prayer right now for someone to come alongside me to share in the work. I need someone who will share this vision with me.

My own group isn't a problem. I have lots of help there. It's the bigger picture of Living Room - the raising awareness within the church - the helping churches learn how to support people with mental illness. That's where I feel I very much need support.

Every once in awhile my mood dips very low - dangerously low. And then, one or two days later, I'm coping again. Never know how I'm going to wake up in the morning.

And yet I know I need to trust God. I need to remember that he is in charge. And I need to remember to keep talking to him - aware of his presence, grateful for his love and his goodness. I'm trying to cling to God as well as I can.

I'm grateful to Wendy and Susan for your emails - for your concern for me. I appreciate your thinking of me and your prayers.

To live with hope

I haven't found the stability that I had hoped for. Am once more on a downward spiral and it gets quite tiresome. Every time I find some hope, I fall down again. One step forward and two steps back.

And although I know my problem is medical, I also know that spiritually I'm not in a good place.

The beginning of Living Room and the growth of it was God's doing. All I had to do was to be God's voice, hands and feet. I was just a little foot soldier, following along. And that's what made it successful. The sense of failure I now have I can tell is simply because I'm looking at Living Room as "my" work and not "God's" work. I feel I'm not wise enough or strong enough to carry it. If I were in the right place spiritually, I would not feel this way. I would rest in God. I would let Him do His thing and follow along - trusting.

I pray today that I will learn to trust God more. I pray that I would look to God for strength and not to myself.

On June 19th we're starting a Bible study for Living Roomers called, "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." Peter got out of the boat to walk to Jesus. But when he took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the waves, he began to sink. He thought in terms of what "he" was capable of on his own. He looked to himself.

I've been taking my eyes off Jesus. Looking at my own lack of wisdom and strength, as though that's what it's about - as though that's what I had to depend on. Yet that's not what it's about at all. It's not about me and what I can do. It's all about God and what God can do. I can do nothing without God.

Building - carving

I was thinking tonight of how much I love to make things happen. To build something that hasn't been built before. To carve something beautiful.

And I'm thinking, I AM building something. I AM carving something. And if I can keep my mood up like it is tonight, it WILL be beautiful.

I completed a Living Room brochure and have high hopes for it doing a lot of good. So many places we could put it. So informative it would be for people wanting to know more.

Now I just have to find a way of printing it. It's in colour and I realized today it would cost a fortune to print. Like 65 - 70 cents a piece!!! What did I do designing such a thing? Why didn't I think of printing costs? Uggh!

But I will find a way, even if I have to print them all myself, using my printer at home - s-l-o-w.

I've been stable for several days now and I'm hoping I'll stay here for awhile now. I want to keep building and carving and shaping. How much difference a good mood can make to one's life!!!

An up day

I can't let a post like yesterday's stand, not when I'm feeling better, as I am today. So please don't worry about me - not today.

I read a couple of emails I sent to friends yesterday when I was in the depths and can't believe that was only yesterday morning. I feel so far removed from those feelings now. What a crazy illness this is!

Today I saw my pdoc and I'm happy he's putting me back on the medication cocktail I was on when I was doing much better, several months ago. During those times I had been so stable with only occasional depression - maybe two biggish ones a year. It will be so good to get back to that more stable me again. I'm feeling very hopeful tonight.

I spent this morning creating a Living Room pamphlet, something we so very much need to tell people what our support groups are all about. Accomplishing that was in itself an encouragement - a mood booster. In fact, I feel hugely good about it!

Tomorrow we'll have Bible study at my house so my next goal is to do some cleaning. I'm not very good at housework but having company is a great incentive. So I guess I'd better draw this post to a close and do some "real" work.

Instability

Someone sent me a quote awhile ago by Patricia Deegan that I really like and that is really speaking to me now: "For those of us who have struggled for years...recovery is not about going back to who we were. It is a process of becoming new. It is a process of discovering our limits but also a process of discovering how these limits open upon new possibilities. Transformation rather than restoration becomes our path."

Today I wonder if I'm trying to reach beyond my limits - beyond what I can or should be doing.

I have a terrible time with tremors, caused by one of the meds I'm on. My pdoc is working on getting me off this medication. However, my moods have been very unstable lately. If you've been reading my blog you'll know that I've been on a roller coaster. Fine one day and depressed the next. Maybe I should just live with the tremors and opt for the stability and happiness this drug has offered me in the past.

Today I chaired an important meeting and, although I felt confident, I was shaking like crazy. Not everyone at this meeting knew me, so they must have had their doubts about me and my abilities. It does not look good for a leader to have tremors. It does not help people have confidence in you. And when I'm aware of them myself, I feel self-conscious which isn't good either.

And I wonder if all the stress that goes along with meetings like these, especially when I'm so emotionally unstable, is a good thing for my health. Maybe I should just dig in and quietly do my work at home, writing. Spread the news about Living Room that way. Or am I this moment thinking negatively once more? Am I once more dipping downward? I think I may be.

If I could only be stronger instead of having emotions that are constantly teetering on the verge of something.

I know one thing. I could never have brought Living Room to where it is without God's help. Living Room is God's work and I've just been a foot soldier, going where he told me to go. I need to continue putting myself in his hands and hear his voice and have him guide me. I need to relax and let go a bit. And I need to pray.

Maybe I've reached the limit and God wants to open new paths for me to follow. I'll have to see and be open to his leading.

Would I ever like to be stable and strong again!

Imagine...a weekly living room

My Living Room group is considering having weekly lunch meetings. Currently we meet only twice a month for our regular meeting and lunch. We were having Bible study for the other Fridays, but they met later and did not include lunch.

We're hoping that having weekly lunches, alternating between regular meetings and Bible study, will encourage better participation and just a friendlier atmosphere. There's a wonderful German word, "gemutlichkeit," which describes the feeling you get from friendly, cozy get-togethers with people you get along well with. This is how Living Room is. This is how our Bible study time could be as well.

Lunch with people you can relate to every Friday. Gemutlichkeit every Friday. Weekly support. How neat that would be!

I've presented the possibility to my group. Now I only have to wait to hear the response and see if the idea will fly.

Love and its power to transform

If you'd known me forty years ago when I first got sick;
then twenty years later when I decided to rely on God's help for survival of depression and psychosis;
then five or six years ago when I received the support and inspiration of people in the church I now attend;
to the time just under three years ago when I started my Living Room group, you will see how I have, step by step, been dramatically changed.
And I continue to change.

I've been thinking about what it is that transformed me and continues transforming me. And I have to say it's my relationship with God, knowing that he loves me. It's love. It's God's love revealed to me by the people in my life. And it's God revealing himself to me when I show my love for others. Yes, when I express my love for others I find joy and I find God.

The Bible says, "No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." (1John 4:12) It also says, "Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." (1John 4:7b)

We experience God's presence when we love others unconditionally. And this gives great joy and will change us.

I think that's why we feel God's presence so well at Living Room meetings. We share his love with each other - fully accepting each other. That's why I feel such joy when I go home after meetings. It's a very true but mysterious phenomenon.