Sheer happiness

Wow! Over the past little while I have found out what happiness truly feels like. I've been removed from that feeling for so long that and I've become so unfamiliar with it that I actually feel kind of high, though my friends say I'm acting quite normal - just the happy Marja they haven't seen for a long time.

Looking back over the past 8 months or perhaps longer - perhaps much longer - I can see that I've been depressed, even though at times I thought I was doing alright. I wasn't doing alright. I had forgotten what it was to be truly happy.

Truth of it is that my husband had to help me with many things that I should have been quite capable of doing on my own. I've needed him so much - with cooking, shopping, cleaning, paying bills. For a long time I've been avoiding shopping, buying only as few things as I could get away with. No big shopping lists for me. Though the motivation only completely disappeared during the times I was extremely low, which happened a lot, I was very often only moderately motivated. And at those times I thought I was doing quite well. I was coping.

But things could have been much worse. I was able to keep my commitments. Living Room continued, though I had to lean on others to do the devotionals a few times. I was able to keep supporting people, though there was one time when someone asked me to pray with her and I had to tell her I couldn't. I was having too hard a time myself.

I'm grateful that God brought me through as well as he did. I'm grateful I have a ministry that is of utmost importance to me, one that gives me a purpose to live for. I'm grateful that I was able to keep clinging to God, even though I didn't always trust him as much as I should. Grateful for my husband and friends who supported me. Yes, things could have been much worse.

Today I know what joy feels like. I'm energetic, motivated. Eager to continue the work God gave me to do.

With other people in place to carry on the responsibilies of my group, I'll have time to spend the next while doing some of the broader Living Room work. Work on the manuals, the website, and - hopefully - some more writing.

I thank God for where he's brought me. God IS good.

Up and down

Hi everyone,

It has been a long time since I posted. Things haven't been good. Every once in a while a good day and every once in awhile an absolutely horrendous day.

I am grateful for the good weather we've had. I've been able to spend the early morning hours sitting on the patio, listening to the birds, enjoying the flowers, aware of God's presence. Those times have been healing.

I've discovered that one of my worst problems lately has been Living Room. This ministry that always gave me such a feeling of joy has become a burden. I feel very alone with the responsibility - and it is a big responsibility.

Is it the depression that is making it feel like a burden? Or is the burden causing the depression? I'm not sure what it is. I just know that I need a lot of prayer right now for someone to come alongside me to share in the work. I need someone who will share this vision with me.

My own group isn't a problem. I have lots of help there. It's the bigger picture of Living Room - the raising awareness within the church - the helping churches learn how to support people with mental illness. That's where I feel I very much need support.

Every once in awhile my mood dips very low - dangerously low. And then, one or two days later, I'm coping again. Never know how I'm going to wake up in the morning.

And yet I know I need to trust God. I need to remember that he is in charge. And I need to remember to keep talking to him - aware of his presence, grateful for his love and his goodness. I'm trying to cling to God as well as I can.

I'm grateful to Wendy and Susan for your emails - for your concern for me. I appreciate your thinking of me and your prayers.

An up day

I can't let a post like yesterday's stand, not when I'm feeling better, as I am today. So please don't worry about me - not today.

I read a couple of emails I sent to friends yesterday when I was in the depths and can't believe that was only yesterday morning. I feel so far removed from those feelings now. What a crazy illness this is!

Today I saw my pdoc and I'm happy he's putting me back on the medication cocktail I was on when I was doing much better, several months ago. During those times I had been so stable with only occasional depression - maybe two biggish ones a year. It will be so good to get back to that more stable me again. I'm feeling very hopeful tonight.

I spent this morning creating a Living Room pamphlet, something we so very much need to tell people what our support groups are all about. Accomplishing that was in itself an encouragement - a mood booster. In fact, I feel hugely good about it!

Tomorrow we'll have Bible study at my house so my next goal is to do some cleaning. I'm not very good at housework but having company is a great incentive. So I guess I'd better draw this post to a close and do some "real" work.

Instability

Someone sent me a quote awhile ago by Patricia Deegan that I really like and that is really speaking to me now: "For those of us who have struggled for years...recovery is not about going back to who we were. It is a process of becoming new. It is a process of discovering our limits but also a process of discovering how these limits open upon new possibilities. Transformation rather than restoration becomes our path."

Today I wonder if I'm trying to reach beyond my limits - beyond what I can or should be doing.

I have a terrible time with tremors, caused by one of the meds I'm on. My pdoc is working on getting me off this medication. However, my moods have been very unstable lately. If you've been reading my blog you'll know that I've been on a roller coaster. Fine one day and depressed the next. Maybe I should just live with the tremors and opt for the stability and happiness this drug has offered me in the past.

Today I chaired an important meeting and, although I felt confident, I was shaking like crazy. Not everyone at this meeting knew me, so they must have had their doubts about me and my abilities. It does not look good for a leader to have tremors. It does not help people have confidence in you. And when I'm aware of them myself, I feel self-conscious which isn't good either.

And I wonder if all the stress that goes along with meetings like these, especially when I'm so emotionally unstable, is a good thing for my health. Maybe I should just dig in and quietly do my work at home, writing. Spread the news about Living Room that way. Or am I this moment thinking negatively once more? Am I once more dipping downward? I think I may be.

If I could only be stronger instead of having emotions that are constantly teetering on the verge of something.

I know one thing. I could never have brought Living Room to where it is without God's help. Living Room is God's work and I've just been a foot soldier, going where he told me to go. I need to continue putting myself in his hands and hear his voice and have him guide me. I need to relax and let go a bit. And I need to pray.

Maybe I've reached the limit and God wants to open new paths for me to follow. I'll have to see and be open to his leading.

Would I ever like to be stable and strong again!

Roller coaster

Life has been a roller coaster ride of moods for me lately. I don't know what's going on. The tiniest thing will make me feel depressed. And then I don't know what to do with myself. Things very quickly start feeling hopeless.

Guess I shouldn't be surprised. That's what bipolar disorder is supposed to deal out to you. That's what I have to live with.

I wonder if it has been worse lately because my pdoc has changed my meds for something "better." Something that won't cause so many tremors. He's concerned about the tremors. I am, after all, a photographer. But I'd rather not photograph and live with the tremors, I think. These moods are painful.

Several days ago I considered the unthinkable. I don't want to spell it out, but I think you'll know what I mean. Then on Monday the sun came out and I worked in the yard and sat and read in my muskoka chair. Everything was okay again.

Then, yesterday, something bothered me terribly. The situation was later resolved and I felt better again. Today the Good Friday service really got to me and down I went again.

I'm glad I've got this blog where I can talk about it. My friends would tire of my complaints. I don't want to bother them anymore. Though it would be nice to have them pray for me during this unstable time.