Crisis prayer line

Yesterday a very distraught and confused lady called me. She is bipolar but is only just getting started on medication. She was under the impression that the enemy was causing her to go through the psychosis she had been experiencing. When I told her that bipolar is a medical condition she was very relieved. She was amazed to be talking to someone who had the same illness as she did.

I was happy that I was able to be there for her.

It made me think how good it would be if there were prayer lines specifically for Christians living with mental illness. These prayer lines could be manned by people who had an understanding of mental illnesses or had lived experience.

I myself could benefit from something like this. My Christian friends don't always understand what I'm dealing with. They might not know how to pray for me. Quite often I've been at a loss for someone to talk to - someone who would be sensitive to where I was at - someone who could pray for me.

There are crisis lines. But they don't provide people who will pray with you. And there are prayer lines. But these are often manned by people who have no understanding of mental illnesses.

I called a prayer line once when I was in crisis and very much needed someone to talk to. However, the lady who prayed for me seemed to think that my condition was my fault - something I had power over. I don't think I'll ever call a prayer line again.

Reaching out

I had a call from someone I didn't know last night. She had huge anxieties and depression and was reaching out. Looking for someone who could give her an answer to her problems. Looking for someone who could alleviate the pain. And yet, all I could do was to listen with compassion. I could have prayed with her as well, and am sorry I didn't. Somehow I didn't feel I understood her well enough at the time to be able to pray. I should have tried though. But I was tired and all I could do was listen.

She reminded me of myself when I'm deeply depressed. Then I also reach out, looking for someone who might be able to help me. Looking for someone who can take away the pain. And yet, there is so little we can do for each other in cases like that, isn't there? Except to show each other we care and to remind each other of God's love. And assure each other that this pain won't last forever. That doesn't help much though. When you're deeply depressed it feels like it will never go away. Hard to believe otherwise. You cannot see the light. You cannot feel hope.

How we long for someone to just fix us when things are so bad! It's so hard to trust in the pills, in the doctor...and even in God. So hard to believe in a better future! And yet it is trusting - it is believing - that does help you recover. It takes time and patience.

This morning I'm praying for this lady out in the Valley. I'm praying she will recover soon. I'm praying she will believe that she will recover. That God is there for her, looking after her. Just wish I'd done that last night, while she was on the phone with me.

Anxiety, depression, and prayer

My second post of the day. But I thought I needed to pass this along because it's important.

My friend asked me this morning whether I've prayed over my anxieties, all the stuff that seems to be triggering the threat of depression right now. And I realized that I hadn't prayed. Hadn't even thought of praying. Pretty bad.

She pointed out Psalm 37: 3-5 in particular, especially good in the Amplified version:

"Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and the secret petitions of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]: trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass."

Reading that did me a lot of good. And yes, I need to take that to heart. I need to pray.

This morning I used the SAD lamp. It left me a bit "light" headed. So bright! Don't know which helped more, the lamp or the Bible verses and prayer. Methinks I should use both. In any case, I feel better today.

And, thank God, just heard this minute from another person, second within a week, wanting to start a Living Room group. Praise God!!

And that's what my work is all about, isn't it? Helping people receive faith-based support for their problems with mood disorder. Why worry about petty things? I have God on my side and He will care for my needs.

At peace

Yesterday a wise person pointed me to some scripture that is helping me through this time. Reading it is helping me feel at peace - filled up. One thing she suggested I read often is from Psalm 37. I'll quote it here from the Amplified Bible:

Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of you heart. Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confidentalso in Him and He will bring it to pass....Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him. (verses 3-5 & 7a)

I am learning to lean more on God and less on people. Things had gotten so I was reaching out to my friends so much, hoping they would fix me. But - and I should know this by now - only God can give me true rest and comfort.

The last couple of days have been better. Perhaps I am turning around?

Giving support

Earlier this week Susan of Bipolar Wellness wrote about the importance of wanting wellness if we want to be well. "As far as I am concerned, the most critical component of achieving wellness is wanting it....Wellness doesn't occur in a vacuum. Whether you believe that bipolarity and/or clinical depression is a biochemical condition--or not--the only way to achieve wellness is to be willing to ask the difficult questions, and live a life that matters."

I wrote a comment expressing my frustrations with someone I'm giving support to who doesn't seem to want that wellness. At least she doesn't pursue it as I wish she would. I wondered at what point I should back off. Susan followed her initial post with one she titles When to Let Go. Susan talks about her feelings on the issue: "So, I guess my answer is that I believe the woman you're talking about needs to find professional help. And she needs to "step up to the plate" so to speak. If you continue to allow her to "take" from you, you'll have nothing left. And if she decides that life isn't living, ultimately that's her decision."

But, when I think back to what I felt like when I was depressed, and how difficult it was to be well, and how important it was for me to have the people I loved not give up on me, I can't see myself giving up on others. Perhaps backing off a bit and not staying too close is good for my own health, but I feel I need to stay available.

In his book, New Light on Depression, Harold Koenig wrote some things that I have taken to heart. He wrote: "Love - unconditional love - is the ultimate long-term antidote for depression, for at its core love is connected with faith and hope."

I feel that we need to always remind people they are loved and not withdraw that love from people when they're going through hard times. One of the most important things a person with depression needs is to know that there's someone always available. Knowing that someone is available who understands - because she's been there herself - is invaluable.

Since starting Living Room, I've given support to quite a few people. While it isn't easy, it can be rewarding too. Though I walk with them through their valleys, I also experience with them the relief when they climb out again. When they call me and spend some time expressing their feelings to me and I have no answers, we can always turn to God at the end of the call. When I feel helpless and don't know what to say, we pray together. And those prayers are powerful. I feel the presence of God's Spirit. We call on God to give the person strength and patience. We ask him to embrace her and to help her feel his love. We turn everything over to God. When we hang up I feel I can leave it all behind because it's in God's hands, not mine. This is how I can usually manage to support people without it getting myself down.

As a Christian I need to be a conduit of Christ's love. And I've found that it's a joy to be that. It's rewarding to be that. And to walk with someone through their depression - to talk with them and to help them go to God with it - is a privilege.

I don't expect that everyone should be able to do this. I don't judge people who are not able to do this. We all have gifts that make us unique. This just happens to be mine.

A steady flame

I've become lazier than I should be about blogging. There's something about sitting at the computer that doesn't appeal to me these days. Yet there's much I want to share too, and these things keep rolling around in my head.

One thing I've thought a lot of in the last few days is how Living Room has become like a steady flame for me, never wavering, never going out. No matter how my mood is, it gives me light. No matter how down I feel, I want to go to the meetings and lead. And no matter how down I feel, I'm able to lead. I want to give hope to the people I speak to there, and I always find a source for that hope. What a blessing that is!

In the spring, while I was going through a more severe depression, I thought I'd like to do a favor for a friend. I noticed how that thought was like a spark within me, providing some light, making me feel better. And it felt like that spark lit a candle, one that kept burning for a while. And I thought of how I'd like to share that image with my Living Room members. I wanted to tell them how lighting a candle in the dark can help us feel better. Just thinking of sharing this as a devotional kept my candle burning for the rest of the week. I was able to keep my candle lit. I was able to lead a good session.

There were 15 present at yesterday's meeting - not bad for this time of year when most activities are put on hold. We had a wonderful time. I quoted from Philippians 4:6-8 which I've had my Bible lying open to a lot lately:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

After a bit of discussion, we all took turns giving thanks to God. There is truly a peace that comes from thinking of the good things in our lives and being thankful for them. Not only does it help remove anxiety, it also helps with depression.

At Living Room we all support each other. Though I'm the facilitator, I receive support myself as well. I always come away feeling better and - most of the time - feel a wonderful, peaceful kind of joy after. I can be myself there, not having to pretend I'm well when I'm not. Though I'm the leader, I don't have to come across like I've got it all together. In fact, it's better that the members realize that I struggle like they do. When I'm real, everyone is encouraged to be real. There's great beauty in that.

That steady flame that is Living Room is an amazing, mysterious thing. It's God at the center. It's made of love. It heals.

Anger at Living Room

No, we didn't get angry at our Living Room group yesterday. We only discussed anger - anger with God in particular.

The discussion started with the question, "Do you ever feel angry or frustrated with God for your suffering with mood disorder?" Some people did feel that way and we talked a bit about how such frustration, if we hang on to it for too long, will lead to bitterness and separation from God.

We talked about Job and how he riled against God and asked God to explain why he allowed such terrible things to happen to him. But God answered him "...out of the storm...I will question you, and you shall answer me." Job 38:1-3. In other words, it's not our place to question God; it's the other way around. In Job 38:4 - 41:34 the most beautiful poetry follows with God expressing how awesome he truly is. God does so in a long series of powerful rhetorical questions: "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?...Who marked off its dimensions?..." And in 42:5-6, Job replies, "My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. (so vivid is the picture God paints) Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

Looking at the Psalms we saw how David was frequently frustrated with God. But in almost all cases, he doesn't stay there. At the end of his lamentations, he turns to expressions of hope and praise. We played a song by Brian Doerksen based on Psalm 13 - a beautifully sensitive prayer that I think touched us all deeply.

Our conclusion? It's often difficult to trust God when we're in the midst of depression. Sometimes the best thing to do is to turn to a Christian friend who we trust, a friend who will have faith for us until we recover.

(A reminder: If you think you might like to set up a Living Room group at your church, I can send you manuals - tools to get you started. email me at info@candidsbymarja.com to order. The manuals are at the printer.)

Every day is new

You may think this a rather trite thing to say, but we can't take for granted the gift each new day is for us. It's amazing how much difference a day can make in my mood. Each morning I wake up and wonder, 'What will this day bring? Will this be the day that my mood will shift?'

I begin the morning hopefully, often starting my journal entry with: "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." I write this even when I don't feel like rejoicing, hoping that writing those words will somehow help me feel joy - remembering the days when those words used to automatically come to my lips - days when I was hypomanic. I long for that enthusiasm and am sure this positive approach is helpful.

I've been trying to plan my days a little more, putting more things on my to-do list. Not too many, but enough so that I have some activities to look forward to - some chores and some fun things. That takes away some of the aimless feelings that create a sense of hopelessness. I look forward to the day.

Friends have been praying for me, knowing that I've been having a bit of a roller coaster struggle. I know it's helping. Their prayers are encouraging me to trust God as I pass through this gray time, patiently awaiting the time when my enthusiasm will return. I myself am encouraged to pray. And with prayer comes a feeling of peace of hopefulness.

Blessings

Although I trust God and have a deep faith, the reasoning part of me still often finds it hard to believe that prayer actually works. I know that is something I should - as a Christian - be ashamed to admit. But in all honesty - and I do like to be honest - I'm a bit of a doubting Thomas where prayer is concerned. Yes, I pray, but I know I would pray a lot more if I believed more in its power.

However, I'm sure the prayers of my friends is helping to see me through the dark times I've been facing lately. I feel it.

I've had some black times recently. On Thursday I didn't know what to do with myself, everything was so dark. I called my pastor's wife and talked with her a bit. She prayed for me. After we hung up I felt better. Yesterday a good friend promised to pray for my blackness to turn to light. She wrote some words of encouragement in her email to me. I was tremendously comforted and today feel a wonderful sense of peace. I sense God's love deeply and all I want to do now is to pass on this love to others. I feel a quietness - a holy joy - gratitude.

I guess it's a bit early to say whether my depression has cleared up. This has been a strange period of deep depression, interspersed with normal times. Don't know if this has ever happened before to me. I know I've done all I personally can to hold this beast at bay. I've searched out friends, I've gone to God, I've exercised, I'm taking prozac. Is this what happens when a person employs good coping strategies? Is this what happens when friends pray?

All I can say about this right now is "Thank you, dear friends! Thank you, God!"