My prayer

I read a prayer written by Max Lucado in his gift book called Shaped by God. How that impacted me! How I want to make that my prayer! How I would like to be drawn from the fire - well again, firm and solid so that I can be God's instrument! But you know what? I think it's starting to happen.

Lucado writes:

Ah, to be your instrument, O God,
like Paul to the Gentiles,
like Philip to the eunuch,
like Jesus to the world,
...to be your instrument.
To be like a scalpel in the gentle hands of a surgeon,
healing and mending.
To be like a plow in the weathered hands of a farmer,
sowing and tending.
To be like a scythe in the sweeping hands of a reaper,
gathering and using.
To be...an instrument for noble purposes.
To be honed and tuned,
in sync with your will,
sensitive to your touch.
This, my God, is my prayer.
Draw me from your fire,
form me on your anvil,
shape me with your hands,
and let me be your tool.

Morning has broken

An amazing answer to prayer: My friend in hospital has improved by leaps and bounds. Two days ago she wasn't allowed her clothes because she was still so suicidal. Today she will probably be allowed an accompanied pass, meaning she can leave the hospital if she has someone with her.

Her spirit is so up. She is so grateful, praising God. She delights me so much and gives me such joy.

The day after she turned around so well I was sitting in my favourite chair on the patio having my quiet time, feeling very grateful. I noticed the sun shining on our hanging fushchia basket. I noticed how it illuminated one of the blossoms beautifully and decided to photograph it. As I was shooting a few pictures, a bee flew into the frame. How special that bee made the picture! It takes the picture from being an ordinary picture of a flower to being something a bit more special. God's work, eh?

That very day I made a bookmark from it for my friend, a bookmark celebrating her turning from darkness to light. "Morning has broken."

I'm praising God this morning. He is so good. He answers prayer.



To read more Thankful Thursday blogposts visit Lynn.

Feelings of rejection

Do you think that people with mental illness feel rejected more than those who do not deal with such illnesses? What I'm talking about is a feeling of rejection from a group that in general aren't harboring stigma. I believe very much that they do, though a friend of mine doesn't understand that. She says that everyone suffers feelings of rejection sometimes.

I belong to a loving, accepting church, and yet I often find myself going home with a cold, awful feeling. A feeling of having been ignored or rejected. I'm sure much of this is only a perceived feeling. I'm sure people at church would be quite surprised that I would feel that way. These feelings often trigger a depression that takes a while to get over.

Is it me? Is this the lot of people who live with mental illness? Is it easier for us to feel rejected? Perhaps due to having an illness that is generally stigmatized? Perhaps due to our oversensitivity and insecurity?

A friend of mine is in hospital. I've talked about her in previous posts. One of the major triggers for this episode was her perception that she was being ignored at church, excluded, rejected. She had needed someone to connect with her in a real way. She told me that all she had needed was a hug. A friend told me that someone had talked to her. Yet apparently that wasn't enough to dissolve her feelings of aloneness. She was a really needy person that day.

I wouldn't fault anyone though. How are people to know of her need? Perhaps all they saw was a withdrawn person who didn't seem to want to talk. Someone who was hard to approach. How are they to know what's going on inside her?

I want to bring this topic for discussion at the next Living Room meeting. Do others experience this? How does it make them feel? What do they think causes it?

And we need to search out what we can do about these feelings. The important thing we need to remember is who we are in God's eyes. I think part of our problem is an insecurity. We need to learn to be secure in the knowledge of God's love...and secure in the knowledge that God's people do love us, even though they don't always understand our needs.



Yet another photo from the Greek island of Paros. The colours we see everywhere - blue and white.

Freed

I'm feeling remarkably better. And I know it's mostly due to the prayer I started praying a couple of days ago. I realized I had been trying to rid myself of my depression by my own power. Totally forgot that I couldn't do it on my own. I needed God's help.

Now I know it could easily come back. And maybe this is just one good day I'm having. And yet...next time I'll know what to ask God for, if I'll only remember to trust Him. I need to stay close to God daily.

Please don't think though that this means you can do away with the meds your doctor prescribed. Don't think it means you don't have to do all the other good stuff you need to do to keep you well, like exercising, getting plenty of rest, eating well, staying active, spending time with friends. You'll need ALL those things. We need to treat our whole selves: the physical, mental, spiritual.

And about that prayer: I wrote it in my last post but I have to say I'm embarrassed about it now. I've rewritten it and prepared copies with the picture of the sunflower for my Living Room crew. A cute little presentation. I rewrite it here, hoping that it will help you too, next time you're feeling dark and unable to free yourself from it.

BEDROCK UNDER MY FEET

I love you, Lord – you make me strong.
You are bedrock under my feet.
I know you are with me.
I know you can free me from the dark that keeps me captive.
Help me to let it go.
Help me to trust in your ability to loosen the chains.

I trust you and place myself in your hands.
Thank you for your love.
Thank you for making me strong.

Yeah, I'm strong!
Through you, I'm strong.

When we see things dimly

I've been reading Wayne Cordeiro's book, Leading on Empty: Refilling your tank and renewing your passion, and am finding it very helpful for what I'm going through right now.

Cordeiro says, "When we see things dimly, we invite depression, which can be defined as a perceived inability to reconstruct your future." When we're hit with depression we need to remind ourselves of what God called us to do in the first place. If we can focus on that, we can start rebuilding.

But what comes first: the depression and anxiety or the lack of focus? Or do the two come about simultaneously? Hard to say.

I do know that what triggered my present battle was a number of things, all of them causing anxious thoughts which led to depression. I have been seeing the work God gave me to do "dimly." Having a hard time focusing. I'm trying very hard to re-focus though, spending much time in prayer.

It's all about remembering what God gave me to do and why I'm doing it, isn't it? It's all about believing in it. I've made a list of my priorities and am meditating on them often. And I think my prayers are starting to help. Focussing on my calling is helping with the depression. It's helping me think more positively.

Cordeiro talks about Paul's trials with storms and snakebites. Yet he never forgot his divine commission to witness in Rome, as he had witnessed in Jerusalem. This gave him the confidence to withstand anything. I want to be like Paul.

The Psalms as support

I'm not feeling very good at all. In a downward spiral again, though I have level times as well. But being alone, my husband away, doesn't help. A friend suggested I find some Scripture to help me. I turned to the Psalms. Had a bit of trouble finding something I could really latch onto that I found helpful, but eventually did find Psalm 6.

Peer support is such a blessing. To hear people talk about their struggles with depressed thoughts and feeling and to realize you're not the only person to feel that way gives comfort. That must be why the Psalms are such a comfort during hard times. To read King David's words expressing his emotional pain is as good as an antidepressant, especially when he ends with praises to God. He helps me remember that God hears me and that He loves me.

O Lord, do not rebuke me in anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long?
Turn, O Lord, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.

and then:

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer.

Psalm 6:1-4 and 9.

SAD?

I'm starting to wonder whether I might not be having trouble with seasonal affective disorder. My depressions over the last few years have always started in October or November, the beginning of the dark winter season. And over the last little while, with the dark wet days here in Vancouver, I've felt myself dipping again. I've had to struggle to stay up.

Yes, there have been some triggers. My husband off on a trip this Friday, planning to be gone 21/2 weeks. Uncertainties surrounding the funding for the conference, wondering if I'm going to have to go alone, with no one to be there as support. Hearing that the friend I talk to almost daily will be going away for three months, starting in February.

But, somehow, when I imagine how it would be to be able to sit in my muskoka chair in the warm bright sun, I tend to think that I wouldn't be affected in this way. I think I'd be able to better withstand these triggers. I think I'll start using the SAD lamp we have. See if that will help me.

My counselor told me that the trip we're planning for May is not soon enough for a holiday for me. When I told my husband that, he thought that perhaps we could afford a week's holiday somewhere warm and sunny in January. Wow! Just the thought of it makes me feel better. I can imagine myself sitting on a beach or by a pool with a good book. How good that would be!

Yes, I'll try the lamp.

Can you blame me?

I've been worried about myself. Scared. And I'm trying to deal with this fear, because I know it doesn't accomplish anything. In fact, it will make things worse.

I've been worried that depression is round the corner for me again. And can you blame me? When I think of what I went through last year - six months of it! And when I see what some of my Living Room friends are going through...It's a scary thing and, with my disorder, is bound to return over and over again.

I pray to God that he will help me through this time of exhaustion and keep me afloat. I pray that he will help me trust in him, that he will help me remember that he is there and I don't need to fear. Trust. Please, God, let me trust.

Depression: so real, yet so unfathomable when you're doing well. So unfathomable to people who've never experienced it. Yet such a horrendously awful thing.

I place myself in your hands God. To keep and to do your will. Able to do your will.

Walking on water

Still struggling, but working on getting away for a week's holiday. Time away from responsibilities - time with my husband - time to focus on books - perhaps a bit of knitting.

Starting on June 19th Living Roomers are going to have an opportunity to take part in a Bible study by John Ortberg with the title - "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." It is based on the story of Peter leaving his boat in the midst of a storm and walking on water to meet Jesus. What does this story mean for us?

"Walking on water means
- facing your fears and choosing not to let fear have the last word
- discovering and embracing the unique calling of God on your life
- experiencing the power of God to accomplish what you would not be capable of doing on your own."

I've been doing some cheating - reading Ortberg's book to become familiar with what we will study. And I can see how what he says applies to my life right now.

The depression I've been caught in is like my boat - in a stormy sea, scary, feeling like I could sink anytime - without God, relying on myself. But Jesus is waiting for me out on those waves, waiting for me to have the courage and to put forth the effort to meet him and to trust him. I need to leave this boat. I need to want to leave this boat. I need to trust that God is waiting for me to walk to him in faith.

Studying this book is encouraging me.

This will be my last post until I get back in a week.

Mental health and churches

There is a relatively new website called Hope and Healing. It features many different articles on faith and health. Today there is a wonderful interview there with the author of Darkness my Only Companion, Kathryn Green-McCreight, a priest who has suffered with depression. She gives some very good pointers on what congregations can do for their members who have mental illness. She also talks about what we can do for the family of a suicide victim.

Another article on their home page is an excerpt from my book, A Firm Place to Stand. In Misconceptions I talk about how people with bipolar disorder and depression are misunderstood by family and friends.

Good reading for Christians who want to know how to be supportive to their friends with depression.

Changing gears

I've been experiencing a long series of mixed moods. This has gone on for weeks now and I'm getting pretty tired of it. Feeling okay for one or two days, then feeling down for a couple of days. Those mini depressed episodes can bring me down seriously low. I'm finding I constantly have to change gears.

I'm trying to do some positive things - some creative projects - hoping to boost my mood, hoping to reactivate me. Better than just lying around, I suppose, but so far it hasn't worked too well.

Today was a down day and as I look at all the things I'm committed to this week, I'm feeling worried I won't be able to handle them all. Not unless I can wake up in a better mood tomorrow. I have to pray for an up day tomorrow.

Too often I feel like withdrawing from everything, just hiding or disappearing altogether. Can't see how I can do all that's on my plate.

My negative thinking is affecting me bigtime. That's probably the worst of it. I struggle to hang onto my faith. I question my worth. I question whether God can still use me.

My pastor pointed out Psalm 42 and 43 to me this morning and they're an encouragement. At the end of each, David wrote:

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

And as I go through my depressed periods, I need to say to God: "...and yet I will praise you, my God and Savior."

Tomorrow I'll see my pdoc. See what he can do to help me.

In the meantime I need to give myself into God's hands and trust Him.

Wishing for other-centeredness

Too often lately my mood has come down and I haven't know what to do with myself. I reach out to friends but haven't found anyone who can alleviate my emotional pain. Over the past few days I've decided that at times like that I really need to pray more - to reach out to God in the way I reach out to my friends. God can help in a way no human can. My relationship with God needs a haul-over I think. So over the past couple of days I've journalled more. I've written "Dear God" letters.

Today as I once more tried to get myself over a hump I wrote to God and in the writing came to a discovery (a message from God I'm sure) that I've been awfully self-centered lately. It's when I think of the things that bother me, turning inward, that I feel the worst. I've been thinking very little about what's happening in my friends' lives.

I don't think I'm truly depressed. Just bothered by a few situational problems that have arisen. If I could only think of others more and not turn my thoughts inward so much, one would think I'd be able to avoid total depression. I'm hoping so.

Although turning inward is a natural part of depression, I feel kind of ashamed for letting myself fall into it. Don't get me wrong. I don't blame those who are truly in the midst of depression for not being able to be other-centered. When you're in pain it's pretty hard not to turn inward. Yet when I'm on the verge and I focus on others, getting my mind off myself, I should be able to avoid full depression.

Don't you think?

Something's got to give

Today I decided to let someone else lead Living Room for awhile, as I give myself a chance to recover from this down period. It's for times such as this that I have a partner and co-facilitators. Janice, a faithfilled and enthusiastic person who will be starting her own group in Vancouver in January, will lead the meeting this Friday. If you know how much leading Living Room means to me, you will realize how difficult this decision was to make. But I believe it was the most responsible thing to do. I'm just not in good enough shape.

I seem to be having alternating bad and not-so-bad days. The bad days are really bad. On the better days I'm doing well when I can accomplish two or three things and eat a good meal. These better days are also when I visit my mom.

This afternoon I was feeling lonely and called a new friend from church. I am only getting to know her but know that she wants to learn about mood disorders and she wants to be supportive. She invited me over for a coffee and we had a good visit. After I left I felt refreshed, lifted up. Was able to go home and get into doing some laundry. How good it is to just talk to someone for awhile! Even when I'm depressed I need to be with people on a regular basis. With my husband away, I definitely need to make sure I don't isolate.

I'll just have to be careful I don't drag my friends down or just talk about myself all the time. Depression can make you so self-centered! Sometimes I feel downright sorry for myself. When I give into that I'm so ashamed when I realize what I'm doing. My depression deepens.

Tomorrow I'm having lunch with an old friend. On Wednesday I see my counselor, something I seldom do. Thursday I have my writer's workshop. Friday I have Living Room. Looks like I'll be well set for socializing this week. A good thing.

Now to make sure I get out to Curves and cook for myself, something I'm finding very hard to do. (Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal and a bowl of soup. And that was it. That was a BAD day.)

Unstuck

As some of you know, I've been rather depressed for the past few weeks. I'm happy to say, though, that last Sunday I came unstuck from this down period - free - motivated once more. I did something that clearly got me there, but I'm not sure I should tell you about that yet. Don't know if you'd believe that the little email I sent to a bunch of people could lift me up so dramatically.

I recently read something about indicators of depression that can be there, even though you might not feel sad or down. Did you know that not opening mail, not paying bills, not shopping for groceries can be a sign of depression? And how very long that has been a problem for me! I've probably been depressed for a lot longer than I realized.

When I'm well and on top of things, I plan menus for several days at a time, make a grocery list, and go shopping. Instead I've lately not thought about what to make for dinner until dinner time is upon us and I find nothing in the house to make. I've been relying a lot on ready-made Costco items: quesadillas, chicken pot pies, pasta with ready-made sauce. Not like me at all. When I shop it's for only a few items at a time. I was unable to plan ahead.

I believe that one of the many things that brought on my depression was having my life spin virtually out of my control: Mom sick and in need of a nursing home; trying to promote a book; Living Room and the establishment Living Rooms elsewhere. Sometimes I feel like I should have an office. Living Room is beginning to be an organization. I also concern myself a fair amount with the needs of individuals. It's all part of being a Living Room facilitator - a shepherd of sorts. And I do very much love that work. That work has not suffered. It has been hard to keep the household going, though.

Though I'm now feeling motivated and no longer depressed, life is still out of control. But today I realized that what I really need to do is to start making some lists. I've been far too relaxed about that. When I think of all the things I need to do that I'm not getting down to: UGHH!!! I've even been forgetting that I need to have all the stuff moved out of Mom's apartment within the next couple of weeks. UGGH! And there is writing I've promised to do and been forgetting about. Bunches of emails flagged that I need to tend to and am forgetting about. UGHH! Then there's my blogging. I feel very bad that I haven't visited my bloggin pals for such a long time and that I'm not posting more. (I've been emailing friends instead.)

Thankfully, Mom is now in a good nursing home, but she still needs some care from me to make sure she settles in well. I think that's another thing that has helped me get undepressed. I feel at peace, knowing she's now only fifteen minutes away - nice and close. I can make frequent visits yet not have it take up a lot of time.

However, if I'm not careful and get things under control, I'll be headed for another depression. I need to take control. I need to make lists - a list of everything that needs doing and lists of things to do each day. I shouldn't go to bed without knowing what I'll try to do the next day. These are coping techniques I've always advocated and look at me now - I've totally dropped my good habits - relaxing too too much. Tonight I will make a good long list of every item that needs doing. I will prioritize and make plans when to accomplish the most important work.

Wonderful thing is, now that I've escaped the depression I feel motivated, more able to make those lists, more able to take control of my life. Thank God!!

Tomorrow or the day after, I'll tell you about the email I sent to all my Living Room friends, an email that gave me joy and gave me that final lift out of depression. And a very dramatic lift out it was! Stay tuned.

The deep

I'm feeling not too bad at all this morning. I pray that this upturn will continue and that the depression won't pull me under to too much extent.

It's interesting to see how depression grabs hold. Increasingly I've been grabbed by pensive moods. My husband will catch me repeatedly, head in my hands, just sitting there, thinking - in the deep. At church I go deeply into worship, pulled into prayer. Gradually I'm pulled under until it becomes hard to actually do something. I'd rather just sit and wallow in my inner life.

Being aware of this helps. And - again - my friend's question yesterday helped: "What are you going to do for yourself, Marja?" Her suggestion was kind, encouraging me to "do" something that would benefit me and make me feel better. I know that what I need right now is to "do," instead of wallowing in thought.

It helps to write down my thoughts - to have a beginning and end to them instead of allowing them to roam around endlessly within. To bring them out onto paper, perhaps share with a friend.

I've also alerted some friends and they are encouraging me, letting me know they care. That comforts me.

Sometimes I think I'm making a lot out of nothing. Yet the onset of depression has been a real one, and sharing my fears with others and taking "action" is encouraging me to escape the deep before it totally pulls me under. I need to stay on the surface and be in the world if I'm to do the work I've taken on.

I have a list of things I'd like to do today. Nothing too difficult. Some pleasurable things and some things that are chores. I think I'll be alright. I'm not afraid. And I know God is with me.

Never invincible

When you've been doing well for a long time, it's hard to believe that you could ever be depressed again. But with bipolar disorder you're never totally in the clear. It's bound to come back. Here I am with two books published on how to live with bipolar disorder - how to cope - how to be strong - and here I am with depression looming again.

I feel down, teary, tired, not up to doing very much. I've also been overly worried about some things - overly negative. This is discouraging.

What makes it harder is that my 94-year-old mom isn't doing well. She's terribly confused and did something to the phone so that she can't use speed dial anymore. Last week she got over-wrought, not able to call anyone, feeling isolated and anxious. I think she has forgotten to go down to meals a few times, which means she doesn't get fed. This is not a care facility. The only people looking after her are those who give her a bath twice a week and those who do a bit of cleaning once a week.

So, on top of feeling depressed I feel stressed, wondering what we will do about Mom.

I'm going to have to simplify my life as much as I can. Re-prioritize a few things. Allow lots of room to try and get some care for Mom. Allow for extra time with her.

When I told my friend that I was into a downward spiral she asked me, "What are you going to do for yourself?" That's a very good question for a supporter to ask. It made me think - made me think I need to strategize a bit instead of just complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I need to reach outside myself instead of staying caught within.

I will try to do some chores and reward myself with lots of pleasurable things. I will:

• arrange for better care for Mom.
  
• find someone to go for a walk with me.
• go to Curves more regularly.
  
• spend some time ironing, while listening to my favourite music.
• read my new book, The Shack.
• spend more time blogging.
• plan some really easy but tasty meals from my Up Recipes for Down Times recipe booklet.
• play Ticket to Ride with my husband.
• shop for things we'll be donating to homeless people in town. (things that will make life on the street more bearable)
• journal my thoughts.
• email notes to my friends.
  
• read my Bible.
• pray and ask God to see me through, asking him to stay close and to help me remember that he loves me no matter what.

Blogging to heal

Ohh, do I ever need to blog - to share with you some of the stuff I'm going through! But first I need to thank all of you who were so kind in sending your condolences when my mom-in-law died. I truly appreciated your thoughts.

I coped fine with everything until the day after the funeral. Then I found out that my best friend will be away for the months of March and April. This is someone I love very much, a kindred spirit, someone I talk to almost every day....and yes, someone I'm probably far too attached to. For the past few days I've spent much of my time in tears.

I guess spending most of three weeks at my mother-in-law's bedside as she lay dying took a toll on me, even though I thought I was handling it okay. Now my emotions are raw. I don't know what I'm most sad about, my mom-in-law's death or my friend's leaving. Can't distinguish. I just feel terribly sad.

I guess this is what grief is. Now I just hope that this grief does not turn into depression. I can't get depressed, especially while the support of my good friend is not here for me. Especially when there is so much I need to do. I'm going to do my darndest to not get depressed. Tomorrow I'm seeing a counselor, someone I've never seen before. I hope she'll be able to help me. I hope I'll like her. I hope she's good.

The sermon at church today was about love. One thing Pastor Don talked about was how great the love of God is. He talked about the "scandalous love of a father", the father of the prodigal son. The father welcomes the son back so eagerly, even running to meet him - something grown men at that time never did. (running would mean having to lift your clothing and showing your bare legs!) In spite of how the son had turned his back on him, the father threw an extravagant party for him. How much that father loved him and how it must have hurt him when this son first left! How he must have missed this son! The father in the story is meant to portray God and gives a good picture of just how great God's love for us is.

And when I think of the terrible pain I'm feeling right now, I can see the pain God must feel when he loses one of us. God understands the kind of pain I'm feeling now.

A letter for Sandy

A couple of days ago, Sandy left the following comment on my last post:

"I don't know if this comment belongs in this section, but I did want to ask a question. What are some your hints to "keep going" when you really feel depressed and just want to stay in bed all day but know that you can't because of family responsibilities? I take Prozac daily, but because I'm 47 and perimenopausal, I don't think it is working too well at certain times of the month. My kids are 21 (in college), 17 ( a senior) and 15...and I can't just lay down and say "out of order" today. But that's the way I feel.
By the way, I appreciate your faith-filled posts very much. I sometimes feel guilty that being a Christian, I don't always feel or show "the joy of the Lord" because of depressive feelings and I'm not always that good at hiding them.
Sandy M"

Dear Sandy,

I think the most important thing you need to remember is that you have an illness and, though it's the nature of depression to make you feel guilty, this is not a justifiable feeling. Christians are not beyond getting depressed, just like they're not beyond having other illnesses. It has nothing to do with your relationship with God and you're not any less of a Christian. Please remember that God loves you, no matter what. And there will be times that you will have to allow Him to carry you - without any feelings of shame or guilt. Just let Him take care of you.

Nevertheless, you will feel better if you can manage to do some of the things you would normally do. It would be therapeutic to do so. Moving around and being active off and on through the day, even if you do spend a good part of it in bed, will be helpful.

Why not ask your children or husband to help you with some of the chores? When I've been severely depressed I've found that having my husband help me make dinner or wash the dishes, helped energize me. There's something about working alongside someone that makes the job a lot easier. The social interaction that then happened often boosted my spirit.

In my book, Riding the Roller Coaster, I listed the following for times when absolutely nothing seems worth the effort (now this is for a really deep depression):

• Change the scenery - move to a different room
• Take a sip of soda - let the bubbles dance on your tongue
• Wash your face and comb your hair - see how good that will feel
• Listen to gently music - become a part of it
• Eat a piece of sweet juicy fruit
• Hug your pillow - pretend it's your best friend
• Pick a flower from the garden - study its shape, color and texture
• Take a refreshing shower - Enjoy
• Bask in the sunshine - ten minutes will do the trick
• Point your face to the sky - let the rain wash your cheeks
• Write a description of your feelings - get poetic if you wish
• Watch a comedy on TV - the sillier the better
• Make a list of everything you're thankful for
• Beg a hug from someone close to you - squeeze hard
• Lie under a tree - look into its branches - listen to the whisper of the leaves
• Have a cup of tea with a friend

Maybe the above list isn't the one for you. Maybe you're not as depressed as all that. If so, going for a good walk each day would be better. They say that walking is as good as taking an antidepressant. And try to get out with people a little every day. Or talk to a friend on the phone.

In any case, for most people there will be times of brightening - windows of opportunity when you feel like doing more. Take advantage of those windows, but without overdoing it. Eventually you'll have more windows and gradually you will find yourself in a brighter place.

I hope these suggestion will help. And perhaps others will comment here with their own suggestions.

Why did He come?

My mom-in-law is doing okay. She had her transfusion in the ER on the weekend - the ER, simply because - for a variety of reasons - it was the most efficient way to get her looked after. She is weak but in good spirits. On Thursday we'll take her to the specialist to see what he can do.

I'm still into a low grade depression. I can tell because I don't have much energy to do the things I would normally be doing at Christmas time. The thought of preparing Christmas dinner scares me. It seems like it will be a bigger job than I'm up to. My husband mentioned that he notices that I'm still down. He can often tell better than I do myself.

But the wonderful thing is that this is not a bad depression. Things could be much much worse. So I'm thankful. I putter at the jobs that have to be done and I find contentment now-a-days doing sudoku puzzles and playing Ticket to Ride with my husband when we have a free evening. My days are not at all black, just a pale wash of gray.

I've been eager for our Sunday church services this Advent season - eager to gather as much from them as I can. In his sermon on Sunday, Pastor Don mentioned John 3:16, the well-known verse we all learned to memorize in Sunday School: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." That verse is so common that those of us who are familiar with it hardly pay attention to exactly what those words mean. That's the danger when words become too common.

But Don then pointed out verse 17, one that doesn't get as much play: "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." Jesus did not come to merely point an accusing finger at the world for how bad it was. He came to help. He came to set the world right again. The story of his life shows that so well.

Oh, if Christians, as the followers of Christ we are supposed to be, would only pay attention to those words. Too often we're guilty of criticizing or judging. We need to help each other. We need to love the way Jesus taught us to. It's this kind of love we celebrate at Christmas time.

Need for a sabbath

First of all I want to thank all who commented on my last post: Terri, Desiree, Susan, Merelyme, and Isabella. So good to hear from all of you. And a big welcome to you, Isabella.

Today I feel a great need for a sabbath day. Although I'm doing much better mood-wise than I did last year, the pressures of the season have a way of grating on the nerves. Yesterday we went to a big family gathering and I came home feeling emotionally exhausted. I so look forward to Pastor Don's sermon today. I so long to once more reflect on what this season is all about. I so long for a day of peace.

We still don't have any decorations up at our house. I still haven't sat down to figure out whether I know what I'm going to give to all the people I want to buy for. I still have to get the Christmas cards done.

But today I'm going to have a day all for me - doing only what I feel like doing - not doing anything that truly needs to be done. Tomorrow I will carry on with the must-do's.

I don't feel truly depressed, yet there are indicators that suggest things are not the way they should be with me. There are too many messes around the house that bother me - small messes, yet messes I'm having trouble clearing away. I want to, but somehow I can't bring myself to actually do it. Ever felt that way?

I long for Living Room this Friday. We'll talk about how Christmas is affecting all of us this year. I know I won't be the only person having troubles.

This morning, before I start my official sabbath day (though please don't think I'm legalistic about this sabbath thing), I think I will make a list of all the things I'll need to do in these two weeks before Christmas. I know what will happen is that things won't look nearly as over-whelming as they seem to be. ...And I will try to keep lots of time for me in the plans - time to withdraw from the busyness - time to read and draw and play.