Blessed Christmas time

What a blessing my strategy to fight depression by planning a cookbook project! Although I've struggled with on and off lows, I've been motivated to cook and bake - to gather all our favourite recipes from the over forty years we've been married.

Taking up a new creative project has been my coping technique for dealing with depression almost since I first started having bipolar disorder. It helps me keep my head above water. It gives me a purpose for the day - something more colourful than the chores - more colourful than the things I have to do.

This is my third day in an up mood. So good to feel this way! Today I'm baking Stollen, an involved recipe, but I've reserved most of the day for this job.

My husband gave me a wonderful early Christmas present, Brian Doerksen's new CD, Level Ground. I believe his songs have in large part been responsible for bringing me up, for encouraging me. How the words speak to me! They are perfect for people who deal with mood disorders. On his website, Brian says,

"Worship is not always about bringing God our best and brightest. Sometimes it's about bringing God our pain and grief. Sometimes it's coming just the way we are! God wants to give us more than permission to feel - he wants to step into the middle of our feelings and be present with us; even in our suffering . . . even in the middle of our emotions. So let the tears flow . . . let the laments be sung . . . and don't even think about apologizing!"

I'm feeling so well that I'm tempted to invite my Living Room group for an open house. Someone has to eat all those cookies! But a friend and my husband are warning me against it. My road has been far too rocky lately. How can I be sure I will be well enough to handle the stress?

Darn!

Nevertheless, I will enjoy what I do have planned. My son and his wife and my mother are coming to have a turkey dinner with us. And we're planning on having a couple - old friends - over for New Year's Eve.

We will have a good Christmas. And I hope you will too.

You hem me in

Such a comfort it was this morning to read Psalm 139. Isn't it neat how reading scripture will affect you in different ways each time you read? Depending on where you are emotionally?

I'm thankful this morning that I feel like tidying the house. I really feel like doing things. Not with a lot of energy or a lot of joy, but I want to have things in hand so I can continue on with the project that is giving me a sense of purpose right now - the cookbook project. That's what I'm hanging onto right now.

...and it's high time I prepared our house for Christmas. I need to do some decorating - get in the spirit.

I love Psalm 139 - where David says:

Where can I go from you Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

Yeah, off and on lately, I've been making my bed in the depths. But this Psalm promises that He is there with me. I can rest in that assurance.

It's a Living Room day today. I've turned over the leadership to my co-facilitator until I'm feeling stronger. Right now I feel I need to be supported and don't feel as strong about giving support. So glad I have someone in place to take over that role.

I will focus on doing the things I feel I can best do. Putter around the house. Try to make Christmas happen as well as I can. One day at a time. Just very thankful that I feel up to things today. Very thankful to know that God is with me - through all my ups and downs.

Last blooms

I love the look of frost on flowers - on any kind of vegetation actually. These are the last flowers in our garden. The last bit of colour, except for the hollyberries on the holly tree. Winter is really here. It's cold and there's talk of snow in the forecast.

Although most photographers would frown on photographing such poor, half-dead specimens I find a kind of truth there that we shouldn't overlook. Why are people so afraid of focusing on the dying? There's a beauty there. It gives expression to something all of us go through. And if a picture like this expresses something real, something we go through occasionally, then it's just as important to photograph as perfection. I believe in the candid, the authentic, truth. I want real.

If you read my comments on my last post, you will already know that the conference was a wonderful success for me. I met many people, made many good connections, even doing a radio interview with a university radio broadcaster. This was definitely a good place for me - and for Living Room - to be.

I said to my pastor today, "I guess I had nothing to worry about, eh?" But on thinking about that, I wonder if I would have prayed as earnestly as I did if I hadn't been worried about it. The worrying helped me to prepare in every way I could.

I thank God for being with me, for giving me the confidence I had prayed for. I thank him for the oodles of support I received. The oodles of prayer.

Now it's time to focus on Christmas. So good to be feeling well this year. The past two or three years were very difficult for me at Christmas time. This year is different. I've had a few problems in the past few weeks, but I think they were probably situational - stress related to the conference and my husband being away. Now there's nothing holding me back from enjoying the season...as long as I take life one day at a time.

Preparing

Very early in the morning for me to write a post. But when you're moved to do it, you must move, mustn't you? Don't hesitate. Just do.

My house smells like Christmas, the wonderful aroma of cinnamon, cloves, and allspice, all mixed together. I made my speculaas last night, a Dutch Christmas cookie that I always make at Christmas time. I'm getting in the mood early. My open house is definitely going to be the pre-Christmassy party I wanted it to be. A few days ago I made shortbread cookies, another one of my Christmas traditions.

This morning my thoughts have been turning, as they have quite often lately, to what I'm going to do after this open house. Yes, I've got Living Room work to do. But what am I going to do that's creative? What am I going to do to balance my life so I'm not just doing mental health work?

I've also been thinking of how I will make Christmas the happy experience it should be. How am I going to avoid depression this year? And the answer I've come up with is that I need to think creatively about what I can give. What can I do to give to others to make their life better? If I can stop thinking about what Christmas will do to me and think of it as an opportunity to creatively give in some way, I think it will be more than bearable. In fact, I will love it.

My prayers have been full this morning of requests to God to lead me into a creatively lived Christmas season - a wanting to do good things, not feeling I have to live up to certain standards. A looking forward to...not a dreading. I'm grateful for the good mood I have now and pray that it will continue. And prayer does help, doesn't it?

Preparing for christmas

A few days ago I wrote in my private blog about how I had played Christmas music, hoping that getting used to that music would anesthetize me to it when Christmas actually does come along. Then I came to think it was probably not such a balanced thing to be doing. Pretty crazy, eh?

And yet...This morning I'm again listening to Christmas music, just a bit. The songs talk about peace for one thing and isn't that a good thing? And people always say how we should have the spirit of Christmas all year long. So then isn't it a good idea to play a bit of Christmas music outside the Christmas season as well? Just a bit to remind us. Just a taste of it.

I will start pretending it's already somewhat Christmas time. Then when it truly comes it won't be such an adjustment.

Sorry to be talking about Christmas already....again! Didn't I just do that a few posts ago?

Cleaning day today. Then I will visit my Mom. Then some Living Room work. And hopefully some work on my notecards and bookmarks. Tomorrow dear hubby comes home from his fishing trip. It will be good to see him again.

Christmas and expectations

A Happy New Year to everyone! I hope you've all survived the holiday season. I, for one, am looking forward to a more normal pace of life.

At Living Room on Friday we're going to talk about how Christmas was for all of us. Why is it that it's such a difficult season?

I've been thinking a bit about that and realize it's the expectations we put on ourselves that makes it so hard. Put that on top of what is already a busy and complex life, and you have a lot of stress - stress that causes mood disturbances.

I wonder if that's why I haven't been able to work throughout most of my adult life? Going to work and measuring up to what is expected from me - and me always wanting to give it my all - has always given me so much stress that I've had to quit the part-time jobs I did try. In each case I found I had no energy left to do my own thing - to be creative, to cook for my family, and to do all the other things that I felt I needed to do to have a complete life. Each time I tried a part-time job I would end up in tears two or three months after starting. I had no freedom to lead my life in the way I wanted to and needed to. No time for the photography that was so important to me, no energy to cook proper meals. I was not able to live up to the expectations of my employer and me. Working caused me too much stress.

I like what Merely Me said in her blog and feel the same way: "Can I tell you that I am simply giddy that it is over? It's twue...it's twue! Christmas is over...YAY! I can breathe easier."

Except for having to prepare for the cruise my husband and I are taking, I am free to do what I want. Before Christmas I always feel like everything I do has to contribute to Christmas preparations. I don't feel free to do the things that are really important to me. Dare I say, Christmas puts me into a kind of prison - one I can't escape, no matter how I try. The result is a lot of stress and depression.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a "bah humbug" sort of person. On the contrary, I always loved Christmas. I enjoy the carols and the baking. I like to buy gifts. But I want everything to be perfect. And maybe that's the problem. My expectations are too high and that creates a lot of stress.

I have high expectations of myself for the mental health work I do as well, but that's work of my own choosing. I go at my own pace, as the mood strikes me - and the mood strikes me often. It's truly what God made me to do. I'm free to make of it what I wish.

I'm glad to be standing on the brink of a new year. Time to start afresh. I've decided to start photographing children again and that's exciting. That work has always given me such joy. My life will be busy, but more balanced. My husband is happy because he was always sorry that I gave up this creative pursuit. I'll go to camera club with him again. We will share a common interest again.

Living Room Christmas party day

In spite of the snow that kept a lot of people from attending our party, we had sixteen people. It was a wonderful, intimate time. Good food and good visiting. We finished all of Janice's turkey and almost all the stuffing. It was so good. One of our new members told her story about how her relationship with God started and how good He has been to her, in spite of her depression and MS. We sang all the six Christmas carols I had photocopied - really got into it, in spite of not having a piano to accompany us. Such a great time!

My motivation is pretty good right now, though I'm still struggling with depression symptoms. Negative thinking was a serious problem last night and then I woke up with it as well. That led to some truly depressed feelings. But through an email to my friend, I managed to talk - to reason - my way out of it.

I guess everyone has things they could be sad and negative about. Thing is, you don't need to dwell on it. I've learned that doing instead of thinking builds positive feelings. And thinking of how you can build into other people's lives takes the focus away from yourself. You then have a purpose that you can live for. And that's where true joy comes from. At least that's the way it is for me most of the time. In the email to my friend I sorted through these things, reminding myself of what I've know for so long. But how easily you can forget, eh?

Today's Christmas party was a good place for me to get out of my negative thinking. I love my friends there and it was just very good to be together. To do instead of think.

One day at a time

I had such a wonderful day yesterday. I started the day off baking my first batch of cookies. That energized me. Smelling the Christmassy spices emanating from my oven motivated me to do other things. My husband helped me wash all the dishes that had been collecting. It felt so good to feel well enough to do that. I carried on later in the day tidying the messy dining area, something I had previously felt powerless to tackle.

I felt so happy, so freed from the prison-like state I have been in for so long. Got lots of things done. Felt like Christmas could now really begin for me.

In the afternoon I called my good friend who has been such wonderful support for me. I was all excited and happy about how my mood had turned around. But I was disappointed that she did not share in my happiness in the way I had hoped. She warned me to take one day at a time, realizing that these breaks from the depression have happened before, only to have the depression return again.

These last couple of months have been like that. Periods of non-motivation, even getting to the point at times of not wanting to go on. Then I escape and am able to function normally again, only to dip down again a few days later. A real roller coaster ride this has been.

I've learned though, that I need to have a manageable focus in place. One important thing to work towards at a time, not worrying about the rest. This week it's the Living Room Christmas party. One of our members offered to cook us a turkey. The rest of the dinner will be supplied by the others. I think it will be a good time.

I've also remembered to make a list of things to do for each day, setting manageable goals. This is something I've always advocated yet have somehow forgotten to do lately. Yesterday I managed to achieve all my goals. Truly a wonderful feeling to have done that.

I awoke this morning not feeling quite as wonderful as I did yesterday. But I have set my goals for today and will work on those, doing instead of thinking. (It's the ruminating - the thinking without doing - that gets me into a lot of trouble.)

And I will remember to live, knowing that God is my stronghold. With Him everything is possible, including the ability to prepare well for Christmas - to be happy - to smile - to love.

Dark - but winning

I'm still battling depression. Yesterday I had a great big list of things to do - last chance to do laundry, clean, shop, and wrap. I didn't know how I would get it all done. But my husband supported me wonderfully and helped throughout the day. There's something about trying to do too much that deepens depression, though. By the time evening arrived I felt truly down.

What has upheld me over the past while is playing. Several weeks ago it was drawing and painting pictures for friends. Sudoku puzzles have also helped me feel content. And the game my husband and I play often, Ticket to Ride, has provided a good distraction. These activities have the added advantage of developing brain power.

I've also had my Bible open to Philippians 4:6-8 a lot of the time: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. It's when I thank God for my friends and all that is good in my life that my mood goes up. This has helped me tremendously over past weeks. Knowing that I'm loved by my friends - and by God - has brought brightness and peace.

The preparations are complete. I'm into the thick of Christmas now. Today we'll celebrate with my husband's family - eleven adults and five children. Tomorrow I'll pick up my mom to stay with us for a couple of days. Christmas day my son and his wife are coming over. Boxing day we may also have a few people dropping in. Then I'll prepare for Living Room, which will have its regular meeting this Friday.

It will be good to get back to normal, won't it?

In the meantime, I do hope you will all have a happy time this Christmas. May God bless all of you.

In the midst of the chaos

Mother's doctor called on Friday to take her in for another try at a transfusion. Unfortunately I was at Living Room and we missed the call. So yesterday we ended up having her picked up by ambulance and taken to the ER for the transfusion. It was the only way we seemed to be able to get it done. The regular department of the hospital who handles them did not return my repeated calls to them when I tried to set up an appointment. Poor woman ended up spending the night in that hectic environment.

With Mom's unwellness to deal with, Christmas is more chaotic than usual. But I think I'm handling it okay. It's just difficult to get around to - or to get in the frame of mind to - do the baking I'd like to do. But tonight I will try to make my shortbread cookies.

At times like this I am happy for Living Room. Living Room offers a retreat from the world, a place to be with other people, a place where I can be myself and I don't have to pretend everything is fine when it isn't. Even as a facilitator, I feel this. There is a lot of love in our group - many hugs shared around. Everyone truly cares about each other.

On Friday there were 18 of us present. I talked about how, during my 36 years of photography, I learned how the focal point of a picture - no matter how messy, busy, or chaotic it is - is always on that which has life. If there is a person in a busy picture with many elements - even if the person is quite small - that is where the eye settles. You'll focus on the person.

If we were to look on Christmas as a picture, a busy, chaotic picture with many different elements - the card writing, the shopping, the decorating, the parties - there is one focal point where we can rest our eyes. This focal point is Jesus, the whole reason we are celebrating this holiday. If we can stay focused on him, we will be able to find peace. The busyness won't bother us so much. In the midst of the chaos is the One who gives life. He is the light of the world. He is love.

Need for a sabbath

First of all I want to thank all who commented on my last post: Terri, Desiree, Susan, Merelyme, and Isabella. So good to hear from all of you. And a big welcome to you, Isabella.

Today I feel a great need for a sabbath day. Although I'm doing much better mood-wise than I did last year, the pressures of the season have a way of grating on the nerves. Yesterday we went to a big family gathering and I came home feeling emotionally exhausted. I so look forward to Pastor Don's sermon today. I so long to once more reflect on what this season is all about. I so long for a day of peace.

We still don't have any decorations up at our house. I still haven't sat down to figure out whether I know what I'm going to give to all the people I want to buy for. I still have to get the Christmas cards done.

But today I'm going to have a day all for me - doing only what I feel like doing - not doing anything that truly needs to be done. Tomorrow I will carry on with the must-do's.

I don't feel truly depressed, yet there are indicators that suggest things are not the way they should be with me. There are too many messes around the house that bother me - small messes, yet messes I'm having trouble clearing away. I want to, but somehow I can't bring myself to actually do it. Ever felt that way?

I long for Living Room this Friday. We'll talk about how Christmas is affecting all of us this year. I know I won't be the only person having troubles.

This morning, before I start my official sabbath day (though please don't think I'm legalistic about this sabbath thing), I think I will make a list of all the things I'll need to do in these two weeks before Christmas. I know what will happen is that things won't look nearly as over-whelming as they seem to be. ...And I will try to keep lots of time for me in the plans - time to withdraw from the busyness - time to read and draw and play.

The awe and wonder of it all

Last year's Christmas was a stressful time for me. I truly suffered from all the negative aspects of the season: the huge number of fliers coming to the door irked me; the full parking lots at the mall overwhelmed me; the stores with the Christmas music and the pushing of goods bothered me. The materialism of it all - the having to live up to all the traditions, when I wasn't in the mood - the pressures of going to parties and having to entertain family at home were more than I could bear. I saw it as a chaotic time, one I wished I could escape.

But - blessing of all blessings - this year is different. I feel at peace. I don't feel pressured. I'm enjoying the season. And this started happening even as I was struggling with depression over the past few weeks. That's truly amazing! Thank God!

So I went to church this Sunday - the first Sunday of the Advent season - eager for Pastor Don's sermon. He didn't let me down. He talked about how Advent should be a time of quiet waiting - a time to look forward to Jesus' coming.

Unfortunately Christmas has become a time of chaos for many of us, when it should be a time of awe and wonder. Just think of it: the child Jesus who was born was God, come to earth to walk amongst us. He came to show us who God is and what he's like. He showed us God's great love and illustrated his amazing grace.

Christmas is very much a time of fantasy and nostalgia, a time when we try to recreate feelings we had in the past. But recreating those feelings can be difficult in the lives we're living today. We often end up with pain when we can't do it. But if we could remember to focus on Jesus, the whole reason we are celebrating, perhaps we could escape the pain and lighten the expectations we put on ourselves. Perhaps we could escape all the noisy stuff and the chaos.

The time leading up to Christmas should be a time for stillness, a time for peaceful reflection. Think about what a mystery God's coming into the world was! Think of the awe and wonder of it all!

Advent is upon us

This morning, over my wonderful first cups of coffee of the day, always a time to mull things over, I thought of how I would like to invite all my friends who believe in Jesus but aren't presently going to church - to think about attending church this advent season.

There's so much stuff connected to Christmas now-a-days that really doesn't have anything to do with the coming of our Lord. So much tends to drag us down instead of lifting us up: the pressures of buying gifts, the pressures to live up to traditions that might actually bring painful memories. If we could only reduce some of these pressures and remember what this season is truly about!

At church over the next few weeks I hope to be reminded why Jesus came to live amongst us. I want to be reminded of how he came to give us abundant life - how he showed us what God's love is really like. When Jesus walked the earth he performed miracles and he still does. Believing in Jesus and following his example has the power to transform lives. We can find meaning; we can find healing. I know this is what happened for me. I have been transformed and that is a miracle.

True Christmas is far removed from the glitter, the noise and the materialism attacking us right now. True Christmas should bring a sense of peace and well-being. So please go worship this season and celebrate what Christmas truly is - a story of love and grace.