Giving and receiving

I discovered an amazing thing today. A good lesson to learn.

I've been feeling a lot of sadness lately because of some things I'm dealing with. Some of this sadness brings with it anxiety and fear. Fortunately I was able to get into an anxiety therapy group.

This morning I was waiting for the group to begin, talking to a lady sitting next to me. The things we were discussing made her cry (I didn't hurt her, honest). I myself had been feeling like crying all morning too. I stroked her back in an effort to comfort her. And you know, as I comforted her, I felt myself being comforted at the same time.

Truly amazing to think that we can help ourselves in this way.

I've so often "preached" how you can help your depression by thinking of others. And here, this proved it.

Time for something new

For all my adult life, throughout my more than forty years of struggling with bipolar disorder, I've responded to certain kinds of depression by starting a new creative project. I'm longing to do that now. I long to leave behind some of the things that have been stressing me out and start a small, colourful project. Changing gears and doing something new and exciting is very therapeutic. Doing so has helped me through many hard times.

I've been tossing around two ideas for a long time now. Things that I definitely want to do sometime. Things that would be useful to a lot of people.

One thing I'd like to do is create an attractive booklet about how people can support their friends who have depression. This is such a mystery to a lot of people. Yet it's so important that friends be there for those who are depressed.

The other thing I've been longing to do is to produce a booklet of simple, colourful recipes for people who are sick - especially those with depression. I published a booklet like this many years ago and I keep it handy for when I'm going through rough times. I'd like to do up a new edition with some of the best recipes from the old one, but also new recipes. It would be fun to play around with recipes. Such a change that would be from mental health work! ...and yet it would help people with depression.

Right now - this moment - tonight I'm opting for the recipe booklet. Hope I stick with this now. I've been waffling back and forth so much over this.

Here's one recipe that would be in the booklet:

VEGETABLE QUICHE

10 oz pkg frozen mixed vegetables, defrosted
4 eggs, beaten
2 cups (200g) grated mozzarella cheese
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp dried basil or oregano
9 inch frozen piecrust

Place piecrust on cookie sheet and allow to defrost for 10 minutes.
In bowl, combine the rest of the ingredients.
Pour into piecrust and bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes.

Would you like to help me? Do you have any very simple recipes that are tasty and healthy? If you do, please share.

Activity is the answer

Seems I'm not in a serious enough way that I can't get myself doing things. And when I get into an activity I quickly start feeling better. Thank God!

My husband and I have continued our spring cleaning. We're - actually he is more than me - really into it. This house was truly a huge mess. We've felt for such a long time that we need to work on tidying it up. What if we died? My poor son would have quite a time of it. That's something we do need to consider, isn't it?

Today I finished cleaning up the counter in the darkroom and emailed a couple of people who want to buy darkroom equipment. I'm sure I won't be using it anymore since I print everything digitally now.

So...I've found out I need to putter at activities - yet not so much that I wear myself out too much. I'm so fragile right now. But putter I will. We've rented some movies and I look forward to watching "Doubt" tonight. Heard that it's good. Now I will make some cinnamon rolls from a kit I got at Costco. That will make my hard-working husband happy. Another good coping skill: Do something for others - be other-centered.

Living Room Christmas party day

In spite of the snow that kept a lot of people from attending our party, we had sixteen people. It was a wonderful, intimate time. Good food and good visiting. We finished all of Janice's turkey and almost all the stuffing. It was so good. One of our new members told her story about how her relationship with God started and how good He has been to her, in spite of her depression and MS. We sang all the six Christmas carols I had photocopied - really got into it, in spite of not having a piano to accompany us. Such a great time!

My motivation is pretty good right now, though I'm still struggling with depression symptoms. Negative thinking was a serious problem last night and then I woke up with it as well. That led to some truly depressed feelings. But through an email to my friend, I managed to talk - to reason - my way out of it.

I guess everyone has things they could be sad and negative about. Thing is, you don't need to dwell on it. I've learned that doing instead of thinking builds positive feelings. And thinking of how you can build into other people's lives takes the focus away from yourself. You then have a purpose that you can live for. And that's where true joy comes from. At least that's the way it is for me most of the time. In the email to my friend I sorted through these things, reminding myself of what I've know for so long. But how easily you can forget, eh?

Today's Christmas party was a good place for me to get out of my negative thinking. I love my friends there and it was just very good to be together. To do instead of think.

A wonderful phenomenon

Just a quick little post before I get the day rolling - as roll it must. I have lots I need to do.

I woke up this morning in true depressed form, feeling awash with negative thoughts and bad feelings. Can't help it, can you, when you're in the midst of depression? And how you become turned inward, even self-centered, forgetting the good things - focussing instead on the "poor me!"

But I have a friend who is going through great physical health problems right now. A couple of days ago, when I realized that, I saw how I needed to support her and help her. I had been looking for support from her for "poor me." I had failed to see her great needs, so focussed was I on "poor me."

Awful how depression can make you so self-centered. Though it's the nature of depression and I can't truly help it, it makes me feel ashamed too.

I've decided to support this friend by making some meals for her, helping her get some good food into her. People with physical health problems need our support and care every bit as much as those with mental health difficulties. They need to feel God's love in the same way. Perhaps the love and care I show her will encourage her appetite, encourage her to become better nourished. I hope and pray so.

And, you know, the wonderful phenomenon of thinking about my friend's needs is that I'm thinking less about my own needs and am feeling more positive about the day. The bad feelings leave me when I think of how I want to cook a nice meal for her today and bake some fudge brownies.

I know the depression is still with me, because I made this decision to help her a couple of days ago, but still wake up awash in bad feelings. Still have trouble tending to the big messes in my life and paying the bills. I've been on a roller coaster ride for over a month now and have decided to see my psychiatrist. Have an appointment for Thursday. Maybe I need a med change.

A spark in the dark

Monday was a dark day, mostly spent in bed. But yesterday morning, though it started out dark, I was able to ignite a spark in that darkness. This small spark led to a good day.

I needed to go to Costco to buy some things and thought of a friend who has been busy and can't drive, wondering if I could pick up something for her. This desire to do something for someone else, though only a tiny thing, made me feel a little more motivated - more energized. It took me out of the self-absorption that is so much a part of depression. It created a small spark in my darkness. This shopping trip would be more meaningful than if it were only for me. As it turned out, my friend wasn't home and nothing came of it.

But on my way to Costco I thought of this spark. Its value had made a big impression on me. I could share how this spark helped me in the devotional at Living Room on Friday. In spite of my depression, I could talk about this with some enthusiasm. I WOULD be able to lead. I DO have something of value to offer. I thought of how I could spend the next week creating more sparks, more ways to do things for others, more ways to bring light into the darkness. Deciding to develop a devotional around this topic created yet another spark, one that managed to light a candle.

My candle stayed lit the rest of the day and continues at this moment as I share its light with you.

I'm not able to do too much, find myself lost in thought a lot, finding it hard to move, but I am at peace. I know how great God's love is and will continue trying to share this love with others.

There is a great truth in these words from Isaiah 58:10:

"...if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday."