Coping with anxiety

I've been learning breathing techniques at my CBT group and thought I would share. 

When we’re anxious we usually take very shallow breaths, cutting down on the oxygen level in our brain. This lack of oxygen will make you feel out of control, not able to solve the problems you might be facing. Breathing deeply will calm your brain and help you feel more relaxed.

When you feel anxiety coming on, change your breathing. Take a deep breath through your nose, hold it, and then let it go out through your mouth.

When you breathe in, you’re gathering strength. When you breathe out, you will relax.

In my CBT class we learned to use coping statements while we do this breathing. We repeat the same statement whenever we need to do our breathing. When we get tired of one statement, we try another one.

The following are some coping statements:

• I can ride this through   - I don't need to let this get to me
• I have survived this before and I can survive this time, too.
• I will use my coping skills and allow this to pass.
• Anxiety will not hurt me, even if it does not feel good.

But I’ve found something that works even better….much better. By making my coping statement a Bible verse or part of a verse, I encourage myself – not only psychologically – but spiritually. I’m turning to God, trusting Him to help me get over my fears. In the process I draw closer to Him. Every time I breathe and repeat a coping verse to myself, I’m practising His presence.

BIBLICAL COPING STATEMENTS

You will want to find your own favourite verses to use, but here are a few to get you started:

·         The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 He makes me lie down in green pastures, (Psalm 23:1-2)

·         The LORD your God is with you, he will quiet you with his love. (Zephaniah 3:17)

·         The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
    my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. (Psalm 18:2)

·         Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1Peter 5:7)

·         “Be still, and know that I am God;” (Psalm 46:10)

·         Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)

·         I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)

·         Remain in me, and I will remain in you. (John 15:4)  

·         “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)

·         Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

·         With God all things are possible… (Matthew 19:26)

·         “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28) 

     [Nothing] will be able to separate us from the love of God… (Romans 8:39)                                

                            

Giving and receiving

I discovered an amazing thing today. A good lesson to learn.

I've been feeling a lot of sadness lately because of some things I'm dealing with. Some of this sadness brings with it anxiety and fear. Fortunately I was able to get into an anxiety therapy group.

This morning I was waiting for the group to begin, talking to a lady sitting next to me. The things we were discussing made her cry (I didn't hurt her, honest). I myself had been feeling like crying all morning too. I stroked her back in an effort to comfort her. And you know, as I comforted her, I felt myself being comforted at the same time.

Truly amazing to think that we can help ourselves in this way.

I've so often "preached" how you can help your depression by thinking of others. And here, this proved it.

Mood and reality

Hi everyone. Happy Easter Sunday to you.

I need to share that my mood has taken a very big turn from what I perceived to be the verge of depression to hypomania. Don't know whether I should go into all the details of how it happened. Suffice it to say I see it as situational. The result of a spiritual awakening of sorts. A renewal that came along with Easter and my realization of what it meant to have Jesus die a horrid death for us and then to live again. I feel forgiven for the things that had been making me feel ashamed, the things that had gotten me so down. And I'm feeling joyful - freed and more fully alive. I have greater energy and was more sociable at church than I have been (though I don't think overly so).

And now I'm wondering how my friends and husband perceive what is happening to me. Do they think I'm just a "nut case" going through another inexplicable phase? Or can they see that there is a true basis for these feelings? A true basis for these moods? A reality? A truth?

Am I seeing truth in a clearer way than the average person? I wonder. I kind of think so. The story of Christ's death and resurrection and what it means is clear as a bell to me right now. In fact, in a way I've lived it with Him in some mild form over the past while.

If I am seeing the reason that we have to have joy in Christ in a clearer way, would that not naturally make me have deeper feelings about it than what's average? More joyous and in other terms, hypomanic?

And yet I musn't let this mood run rampant. Just as I needed to fight the depression, I must now again focus on keeping things stable. I mustn't do things that increase this high. Hard to do when you have so much energy. I'll try not to do things that are too exciting.

Today I will go for a walk with my husband. I'll play a board game with him. And tonight hopefully visit a friend in hospital. I pray that I will be able to feel in sympathy with her and her frustrations with ongoing depression. I pray that I don't overwhelm her with my high mood. Maybe she will temper my high a bit and that would be good for me.

Walking a tightrope

My moods continue to go up and down. And when I feel ok, it's as though I'm walking a tightrope, trying to maintain my balance so I don't fall one way or another.

Amazing how many symptoms there are to watch out for. And each time one of those symptoms shows itself, I have to put a different coping mechanism into place, read a different psalm, pray a different prayer.

There are the lonely feelings, the poor eating, overwhelmed feelings where I can't see how I can possibly manage doing the many things I need to do, unable to organize a list. Little things seem like big things. I've even had moments thinking I couldn't go on. Thank God those moments have been brief ones.

Not having my husband home makes all this more difficult. I'm not into a good routine, eat at odd times or don't eat at all. Eat weird stuff, not the kind of meals I'd have if he were home.

Being alone for such long periods makes it easy to sit for long uninterrupted periods in thought, unaware that I'm doing it. This thinking has often signalled problems for me. When it happens I need to remember Rudyard Kipling's line in his poem If. "If you can think but don't make thoughts your aim." When that line comes to mind I make the effort to "do" something. So important to stay active. The more I sit in thought, the more likely I'm going to get drawn down into depression. I wouldn't call myself depressed right now, but I am doing battle with it...in many ways. The Psalms are a good companion right now. Psalm 18, 91, and 40 have been very meaningful to me in the past while.

I'm preparing for Living Room on Friday. Also preparing for the Into the Light: Transforming Mental Health in Canada conference coming up this Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Living Room will have a poster presentation to make there. I'll have an opportunity to interact with conference attendees and tell them about it.

I will have to walk my tightrope well. Do all the right things. Stay well.

And I wonder...

I wonder if it's really such a good thing to even think about the possibility of depression returning. Shouldn't we focus on the good stuff? If we keep our eyes on the good stuff - making beauty happen, being thankful for what we have, doing the things that make us grow - we wouldn't even have to think about depression, would we?

The Bible says it well in Philippians 4:6 and 8:

"Do not be anxious about anything...(and some more good stuff)...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

That's where I'm at this morning. Looking up, not even wanting to glance down.

Keeping within limits

The holidays I had this spring and summer showed me how good it is for me to take time out to relax. They showed me how important it is to keep my life in balance. I decided to try not to get overly stressed again. I need to avoid getting depressed again.

A friend who I love and respect has promised herself not to do more than three big things in a week. She too tends to get into doing too many things, especially things for others, and becomes overwhelmed. Mind you, she doesn't have a mood disorder and is better able to cope than I am when that does happen.

This friend has become an example for me in many ways. I like the way she shepherds the people in her Bible study groups, caring for those who need it. In many ways I've come to live my life like her, at least in the way I care for people. (There are many ways in which I haven't followed her example, like in keeping a well organized house, though I'm working on it.)

I've followed her example, telling myself I'll only do three big things involving other people in a week. But something happened without any intention on my part. This coming week I have seven things planned - important things. UGGH!!! How did I get into this? How it does creep up on you, eh?

I need to take myself in hand. I need to be more careful. But it IS amazing how things crop up. Will have to try to whittle this down. I need to keep some time for myself.

Thanks for listening to my complaints. But I'm hoping that by writing here about this I will be able to commit myself to better live within my limits.

Walking on water

Still struggling, but working on getting away for a week's holiday. Time away from responsibilities - time with my husband - time to focus on books - perhaps a bit of knitting.

Starting on June 19th Living Roomers are going to have an opportunity to take part in a Bible study by John Ortberg with the title - "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." It is based on the story of Peter leaving his boat in the midst of a storm and walking on water to meet Jesus. What does this story mean for us?

"Walking on water means
- facing your fears and choosing not to let fear have the last word
- discovering and embracing the unique calling of God on your life
- experiencing the power of God to accomplish what you would not be capable of doing on your own."

I've been doing some cheating - reading Ortberg's book to become familiar with what we will study. And I can see how what he says applies to my life right now.

The depression I've been caught in is like my boat - in a stormy sea, scary, feeling like I could sink anytime - without God, relying on myself. But Jesus is waiting for me out on those waves, waiting for me to have the courage and to put forth the effort to meet him and to trust him. I need to leave this boat. I need to want to leave this boat. I need to trust that God is waiting for me to walk to him in faith.

Studying this book is encouraging me.

This will be my last post until I get back in a week.

Pressing on

It has been a very long time since I wrote here. Not much has changed since my last post. Guess that's why I haven't written. When I write I like to have words that will encourage and inspire and I've been having a hard time finding those words lately. Safer to just not say anything, eh?

I have good times when I function normally, alternating with times when I'm deep, clinging to negative thoughts. At times I lose hope. After all, this has been going on for three months now.

A series of stressful situations started this, Christmas - as usual - being one of them. But you would think it would let up after all the sources of stress have been resolved. It hasn't happened so far, but I am praying that it will happen soon. Thing is, I have to live my life and think positively, try not to dwell on the negative.

In past years I've always tried to learn from my moods - things that I could pass on to others. By encouraging others, I found I was encouraging myself. I remember sitting on my bed in the psych ward years ago working on Riding the Roller Coaster. I found satisfaction drawing from what I was going through, finding the good in the bad, and sharing it with the many others who I knew would be able to relate. Inspirational writing helped me cope with my own difficulties. That's one reason I've done as well as I have.

Today I don't have a book to work on, but I have this blog. I will try to write more often. I will try to use my writing to find the good in the bad and to share that good with you.

When I talk to my friend, expressing my feeling of shame over the way I've felt and behaved lately, she keeps telling me I need to move on. And I guess she's right. I certainly can't stay stuck here. There are things I've built my life on that require me to be strong. And I want to do those things. I want to help others who struggle with mood disorders. I want to help new Living Room groups form. I want to find the joy again - the holy joy I always feel after my Living Room meetings. I don't want to be a victim; I want to give.

I need to make Philippians 3:12b mine over the next while: "...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." And in verse 13: "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."

I need to think of tomorrow. What can I do tomorrow to bring forward the purpose God gave me to live for - to help erase stigma - to help people with mood disorders?

What good can I find in what I am going through to share with you, my blogging pals? I want you to be blessed by what I have to say and it is my prayer that I will - with the help of God - do so.

I will write more - maybe even today - as I work towards this. I will find the good in the bad. I know God will help me do so. He always has and He will again.

A window of hope

My depression is dragging on, but in a roller coaster fashion - some days really bad, some not so bad. What occurs to me is that I'm actually in a position to learn a lot right now. I've been wanting to write about how a person can best support friends with depression. This is a mystery to so many. Yet to be able to give good support can be such a blessing for those of us who need it. I'm trying to keep track of what is helping me right now. This is the silver lining of depression. You can use what you learn from it to help others.

Yesterday was a bad day. How I wished someone would call me and toss me a lifesaver, an indication that they cared. With my husband off on a holiday I felt quite alone. I suppose I could have done the reaching out and called a friend, but I would have felt like I was being a bother. What could I say except to complain about how badly I felt? I did write a couple of emails letting friends know what I was going through. If I didn't do that I would truly have felt like I was sinking. We do need to stay in touch with people if we're to stay on the surface, don't we? That's how it is for me anyway.

I was relieved in the evening to receive a call from each of my sisters. They were compassionate. They know very well what it means to be depressed and they're aware that this was triggered by our mom's problems. I know they will stay in touch, tossing me a lifesaver when I need it.

What I was really thankful about was a call from a close friend who knew how I felt because I had emailed her. She spent some time talking with me, truly helping me with my pain. She did not advise me or try to fix me - just showed compassion. Neat thing she did: she suggested that one day, when we're both feeling better (this is the friend who is physically not well), we will get together and do some Christmas baking. That idea so appealed to me. If she had suggested we do it right then and there, I would not have been able - I would have felt pressured and turned off by the thought of it. But to think of doing this in the future appealed to me. It offered me a window of hope, something to look forward to.

Today was good. I went to Curves and had lunch with my mom at the home, something I need to do more often. I'll try to use the light I'm receiving from my friend's window of hope to bake some fudge brownies tonight. They're a cinch to make and she loves chocolate. How good I would feel if I could give her some! Hope she will like them because she badly needs to put on some weight.

Maybe this window of hope will lead to others. I know I do feel like I have a lot to write about right now....Perhaps an article on support?...Perhaps a workbook to help others through their depression?

Unstuck

As some of you know, I've been rather depressed for the past few weeks. I'm happy to say, though, that last Sunday I came unstuck from this down period - free - motivated once more. I did something that clearly got me there, but I'm not sure I should tell you about that yet. Don't know if you'd believe that the little email I sent to a bunch of people could lift me up so dramatically.

I recently read something about indicators of depression that can be there, even though you might not feel sad or down. Did you know that not opening mail, not paying bills, not shopping for groceries can be a sign of depression? And how very long that has been a problem for me! I've probably been depressed for a lot longer than I realized.

When I'm well and on top of things, I plan menus for several days at a time, make a grocery list, and go shopping. Instead I've lately not thought about what to make for dinner until dinner time is upon us and I find nothing in the house to make. I've been relying a lot on ready-made Costco items: quesadillas, chicken pot pies, pasta with ready-made sauce. Not like me at all. When I shop it's for only a few items at a time. I was unable to plan ahead.

I believe that one of the many things that brought on my depression was having my life spin virtually out of my control: Mom sick and in need of a nursing home; trying to promote a book; Living Room and the establishment Living Rooms elsewhere. Sometimes I feel like I should have an office. Living Room is beginning to be an organization. I also concern myself a fair amount with the needs of individuals. It's all part of being a Living Room facilitator - a shepherd of sorts. And I do very much love that work. That work has not suffered. It has been hard to keep the household going, though.

Though I'm now feeling motivated and no longer depressed, life is still out of control. But today I realized that what I really need to do is to start making some lists. I've been far too relaxed about that. When I think of all the things I need to do that I'm not getting down to: UGHH!!! I've even been forgetting that I need to have all the stuff moved out of Mom's apartment within the next couple of weeks. UGGH! And there is writing I've promised to do and been forgetting about. Bunches of emails flagged that I need to tend to and am forgetting about. UGHH! Then there's my blogging. I feel very bad that I haven't visited my bloggin pals for such a long time and that I'm not posting more. (I've been emailing friends instead.)

Thankfully, Mom is now in a good nursing home, but she still needs some care from me to make sure she settles in well. I think that's another thing that has helped me get undepressed. I feel at peace, knowing she's now only fifteen minutes away - nice and close. I can make frequent visits yet not have it take up a lot of time.

However, if I'm not careful and get things under control, I'll be headed for another depression. I need to take control. I need to make lists - a list of everything that needs doing and lists of things to do each day. I shouldn't go to bed without knowing what I'll try to do the next day. These are coping techniques I've always advocated and look at me now - I've totally dropped my good habits - relaxing too too much. Tonight I will make a good long list of every item that needs doing. I will prioritize and make plans when to accomplish the most important work.

Wonderful thing is, now that I've escaped the depression I feel motivated, more able to make those lists, more able to take control of my life. Thank God!!

Tomorrow or the day after, I'll tell you about the email I sent to all my Living Room friends, an email that gave me joy and gave me that final lift out of depression. And a very dramatic lift out it was! Stay tuned.

Thank God!

I'm feeling much better this morning. Living Room always does that for me. It's healing.

Yesterday we talked about being in the company of Jesus and what that means. Is being in company with Jesus enough? Or do we need people around us to show us Jesus' love in order to truly feel it? I'm not sure I got across what I really wanted to. Don't know how the session went down with people.

When I asked for hands to see where people were moodwise, about half put up their hands for feeling down. I just hope that our discussion helped somehow. I hope it didn't hinder.

One thing I tried to bring out was that what we need is not just the receiving of love. Just as much we need to give love - to share God's love with others. In that giving we receive as well. We are blessed when we give. Did I get that across? I hope so.

When we live with love and compassion in our hearts, God is in that. We are then walking with God. We are in the company of Jesus. I do believe Jesus was with us yesterday, sitting at the table with us, in company with us, helping us with our discussion.

There are so many ways to cope with depression. But although showing our love to each other must be one of the greatest, I seldom see that in lists of coping skills. Why not?

In the sharing time we had the opportunity to share God's love with each other - to listen to each other with compassion - to show we cared. This is what filled me with the peace I went home with. It's this that helped me wake up feeling better today. I feel blessed. I feel God was with us.

I hope the others went home feeling similarly blessed.

The deep

I'm feeling not too bad at all this morning. I pray that this upturn will continue and that the depression won't pull me under to too much extent.

It's interesting to see how depression grabs hold. Increasingly I've been grabbed by pensive moods. My husband will catch me repeatedly, head in my hands, just sitting there, thinking - in the deep. At church I go deeply into worship, pulled into prayer. Gradually I'm pulled under until it becomes hard to actually do something. I'd rather just sit and wallow in my inner life.

Being aware of this helps. And - again - my friend's question yesterday helped: "What are you going to do for yourself, Marja?" Her suggestion was kind, encouraging me to "do" something that would benefit me and make me feel better. I know that what I need right now is to "do," instead of wallowing in thought.

It helps to write down my thoughts - to have a beginning and end to them instead of allowing them to roam around endlessly within. To bring them out onto paper, perhaps share with a friend.

I've also alerted some friends and they are encouraging me, letting me know they care. That comforts me.

Sometimes I think I'm making a lot out of nothing. Yet the onset of depression has been a real one, and sharing my fears with others and taking "action" is encouraging me to escape the deep before it totally pulls me under. I need to stay on the surface and be in the world if I'm to do the work I've taken on.

I have a list of things I'd like to do today. Nothing too difficult. Some pleasurable things and some things that are chores. I think I'll be alright. I'm not afraid. And I know God is with me.

Never invincible

When you've been doing well for a long time, it's hard to believe that you could ever be depressed again. But with bipolar disorder you're never totally in the clear. It's bound to come back. Here I am with two books published on how to live with bipolar disorder - how to cope - how to be strong - and here I am with depression looming again.

I feel down, teary, tired, not up to doing very much. I've also been overly worried about some things - overly negative. This is discouraging.

What makes it harder is that my 94-year-old mom isn't doing well. She's terribly confused and did something to the phone so that she can't use speed dial anymore. Last week she got over-wrought, not able to call anyone, feeling isolated and anxious. I think she has forgotten to go down to meals a few times, which means she doesn't get fed. This is not a care facility. The only people looking after her are those who give her a bath twice a week and those who do a bit of cleaning once a week.

So, on top of feeling depressed I feel stressed, wondering what we will do about Mom.

I'm going to have to simplify my life as much as I can. Re-prioritize a few things. Allow lots of room to try and get some care for Mom. Allow for extra time with her.

When I told my friend that I was into a downward spiral she asked me, "What are you going to do for yourself?" That's a very good question for a supporter to ask. It made me think - made me think I need to strategize a bit instead of just complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I need to reach outside myself instead of staying caught within.

I will try to do some chores and reward myself with lots of pleasurable things. I will:

• arrange for better care for Mom.
  
• find someone to go for a walk with me.
• go to Curves more regularly.
  
• spend some time ironing, while listening to my favourite music.
• read my new book, The Shack.
• spend more time blogging.
• plan some really easy but tasty meals from my Up Recipes for Down Times recipe booklet.
• play Ticket to Ride with my husband.
• shop for things we'll be donating to homeless people in town. (things that will make life on the street more bearable)
• journal my thoughts.
• email notes to my friends.
  
• read my Bible.
• pray and ask God to see me through, asking him to stay close and to help me remember that he loves me no matter what.

A letter for Sandy

A couple of days ago, Sandy left the following comment on my last post:

"I don't know if this comment belongs in this section, but I did want to ask a question. What are some your hints to "keep going" when you really feel depressed and just want to stay in bed all day but know that you can't because of family responsibilities? I take Prozac daily, but because I'm 47 and perimenopausal, I don't think it is working too well at certain times of the month. My kids are 21 (in college), 17 ( a senior) and 15...and I can't just lay down and say "out of order" today. But that's the way I feel.
By the way, I appreciate your faith-filled posts very much. I sometimes feel guilty that being a Christian, I don't always feel or show "the joy of the Lord" because of depressive feelings and I'm not always that good at hiding them.
Sandy M"

Dear Sandy,

I think the most important thing you need to remember is that you have an illness and, though it's the nature of depression to make you feel guilty, this is not a justifiable feeling. Christians are not beyond getting depressed, just like they're not beyond having other illnesses. It has nothing to do with your relationship with God and you're not any less of a Christian. Please remember that God loves you, no matter what. And there will be times that you will have to allow Him to carry you - without any feelings of shame or guilt. Just let Him take care of you.

Nevertheless, you will feel better if you can manage to do some of the things you would normally do. It would be therapeutic to do so. Moving around and being active off and on through the day, even if you do spend a good part of it in bed, will be helpful.

Why not ask your children or husband to help you with some of the chores? When I've been severely depressed I've found that having my husband help me make dinner or wash the dishes, helped energize me. There's something about working alongside someone that makes the job a lot easier. The social interaction that then happened often boosted my spirit.

In my book, Riding the Roller Coaster, I listed the following for times when absolutely nothing seems worth the effort (now this is for a really deep depression):

• Change the scenery - move to a different room
• Take a sip of soda - let the bubbles dance on your tongue
• Wash your face and comb your hair - see how good that will feel
• Listen to gently music - become a part of it
• Eat a piece of sweet juicy fruit
• Hug your pillow - pretend it's your best friend
• Pick a flower from the garden - study its shape, color and texture
• Take a refreshing shower - Enjoy
• Bask in the sunshine - ten minutes will do the trick
• Point your face to the sky - let the rain wash your cheeks
• Write a description of your feelings - get poetic if you wish
• Watch a comedy on TV - the sillier the better
• Make a list of everything you're thankful for
• Beg a hug from someone close to you - squeeze hard
• Lie under a tree - look into its branches - listen to the whisper of the leaves
• Have a cup of tea with a friend

Maybe the above list isn't the one for you. Maybe you're not as depressed as all that. If so, going for a good walk each day would be better. They say that walking is as good as taking an antidepressant. And try to get out with people a little every day. Or talk to a friend on the phone.

In any case, for most people there will be times of brightening - windows of opportunity when you feel like doing more. Take advantage of those windows, but without overdoing it. Eventually you'll have more windows and gradually you will find yourself in a brighter place.

I hope these suggestion will help. And perhaps others will comment here with their own suggestions.

Dark - but winning

I'm still battling depression. Yesterday I had a great big list of things to do - last chance to do laundry, clean, shop, and wrap. I didn't know how I would get it all done. But my husband supported me wonderfully and helped throughout the day. There's something about trying to do too much that deepens depression, though. By the time evening arrived I felt truly down.

What has upheld me over the past while is playing. Several weeks ago it was drawing and painting pictures for friends. Sudoku puzzles have also helped me feel content. And the game my husband and I play often, Ticket to Ride, has provided a good distraction. These activities have the added advantage of developing brain power.

I've also had my Bible open to Philippians 4:6-8 a lot of the time: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. It's when I thank God for my friends and all that is good in my life that my mood goes up. This has helped me tremendously over past weeks. Knowing that I'm loved by my friends - and by God - has brought brightness and peace.

The preparations are complete. I'm into the thick of Christmas now. Today we'll celebrate with my husband's family - eleven adults and five children. Tomorrow I'll pick up my mom to stay with us for a couple of days. Christmas day my son and his wife are coming over. Boxing day we may also have a few people dropping in. Then I'll prepare for Living Room, which will have its regular meeting this Friday.

It will be good to get back to normal, won't it?

In the meantime, I do hope you will all have a happy time this Christmas. May God bless all of you.

I've gone and hit a low

Well, what's been threatening for a while and what I kept trying to push away has come upon me. I have to admit that I'm into a bit of a depression. Not a bad one so far - and I pray that this will not become a bad one. I'm determined not to let that happen. Please, God, don't let that happen.

I can see now that the anxiety I've been feeling so much in recent days is just part of depression. It's just part of negative thinking.

So...I must make some plans to help me cope with this. Perhaps I can lift myself out quickly - if lifting myself out is at all possible. I have to remember, though, that I need to trust God and not think that I have to do it all by myself.

So...what can I do to stay out of the pit?

• I'll make an appointment with my psychiatrist and get started on some prozac. I've never had trouble with this pushing me into mania, so I trust it.
• I'll go to the gym or walk daily.
• I'll talk to my best friends daily, explaining to them why I need to do that right now.
• I'll give myself some manageable goals for each day.
• I'll keep puttering with pictures as much as I can.
  
• I'll write "Dear God" entries in my journal, telling God about what I'm going through and asking for his help.
• I'll write down whatever things help me most so that I can share them later with Living Room members.
• I'll try to bring brightness into my days by doing things that help other people.
• I'll read and meditate on the Psalms.
• I'll try to write Psalms, first expressing my pain, then praising God.
• I'll remember that God loves me and that my friends love me and I will thank God for that.

Please, God, I pray, help this not become too bad. Help me to be well for Christmas.

About me and about Susan

I know it's not a good idea to panic when symptoms of depression first appear. After all, it may be just a glitch. Everyone has a bad day now and then. To fear being depressed could actually bring it on.

Yesterday - and a bit today (though the day is still young) - I've felt lost, lonely, bored. Is the problem that I've had so much excitement lately and I crave for that to continue? Is it that I haven't been creative enough lately and I crave to make something or to make something happen? Have I been somewhat hypomanic lately and not known it? My husband figures I have been.

All my projects are on hold. They are in others' hands, awaiting approval or editing or publishing. I don't feel like beginning another writing project while so much is in limbo. I feel that I don't have control over things right now. It's a bit frustrating.

Over the past forty years I have fought the onset of depression with new creative projects. Creativity certainly has to be a part of my life if I am to stay happy. Perhaps what I need to do today is to go back to some painting. I'm without a car all day and I know I'll get lonely. (How badly I need my friends!) Perhaps I'll walk to a friend's house later for a visit - break up the day a bit - get some exercise - do all the right things to stave off depression (just in case I am on the brink).

But here I am all self-consumed (another symptom of depression). I'm forgetting to thank all of you who prayed for my friend Susan. Having so many pray meant a lot to me, and even more to Susan. When I told her there would be many people praying for her she was very grateful - relieved to know that she would not be so alone in her battle. So THANK YOU ALL.

What a difference...

...a couple of days can make when you're dealing with bipolar. In my last post I sounded so strong, yet over the last couple of days I've started to feel an inexplicable anxiety, bordering on depression. Inexplicable, because I don't feel fearful. Explicable perhaps, because my husband is away and I have been spending long periods of time alone.

I should be happy. I should be grateful. Actually, I AM grateful for the way things are going in my life and the way doors are opening to building awareness about mental health issues amongst church people. Yet the anxiety and slight taste of depression remain.

This being early in a new day, I will have to take myself in hand and plan some things to fight this thing off. Yesterday I found that cleaning up the dirty dishes in the kitchen, accompanied by some of my favorite music, helped me feel better. There's something about work of a physical nature that is healing. Could I get myself up to do a big project - cleaning up our workshop - a HUGE mess? I could play my music loud while I work. How good it would make me feel if I could accomplish that big job! Then I could reward myself with something fun like painting. After energizing myself with the work, I might welcome the play.

I must write a little as well. That is the most significant way to use my time today. I am happy to have been asked to write some things on mental health topics by a Christian publication and I mustn't let those jobs sit in the wings for too long.

And, of course, I should try to get together with a friend today.

I want to thank Howard Freeman of Surfcountry (author of the new book, Lullabye) whose comment on my last post was the first thing I read this morning. Today I will hold close the verse he has found helpful from 2 Timothy 1:7. In fact, I found I already had that underlined in my own Bible as well:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.