Harnessing the passion

That talk Dr. Kathleen McGarvey is giving tomorrow night about mental illness on the streets has me all riled up. And all I've seen is the poster! I haven't even heard her speak yet!

Last night I so passionately felt I needed to do something - to write something that might make a difference! But I was too overwhelmed to do anything at all.

I just so feel there are things we can do to prevent people from becoming homeless! There are ways we can support and encourage them. There IS hope. Maybe not for each person, but for many. What can Christians do about this problem? How can Living Room help?

I talked to God this morning and have come up with some ideas to harness my passion and actually do something useful - small as it might be in the big scheme of things. But if each of us did something small, wouldn't it add up to something significant?

This morning though, God showed me that I'm still rapid cycling. The announcement of this event alone shot my mood way up. Another trigger. And I was hoping I would be able to avoid triggers!

I've decided I should not go to that event tomorrow night. I would just be asking for trouble. I'm high enough as it is.

Mood and reality

Hi everyone. Happy Easter Sunday to you.

I need to share that my mood has taken a very big turn from what I perceived to be the verge of depression to hypomania. Don't know whether I should go into all the details of how it happened. Suffice it to say I see it as situational. The result of a spiritual awakening of sorts. A renewal that came along with Easter and my realization of what it meant to have Jesus die a horrid death for us and then to live again. I feel forgiven for the things that had been making me feel ashamed, the things that had gotten me so down. And I'm feeling joyful - freed and more fully alive. I have greater energy and was more sociable at church than I have been (though I don't think overly so).

And now I'm wondering how my friends and husband perceive what is happening to me. Do they think I'm just a "nut case" going through another inexplicable phase? Or can they see that there is a true basis for these feelings? A true basis for these moods? A reality? A truth?

Am I seeing truth in a clearer way than the average person? I wonder. I kind of think so. The story of Christ's death and resurrection and what it means is clear as a bell to me right now. In fact, in a way I've lived it with Him in some mild form over the past while.

If I am seeing the reason that we have to have joy in Christ in a clearer way, would that not naturally make me have deeper feelings about it than what's average? More joyous and in other terms, hypomanic?

And yet I musn't let this mood run rampant. Just as I needed to fight the depression, I must now again focus on keeping things stable. I mustn't do things that increase this high. Hard to do when you have so much energy. I'll try not to do things that are too exciting.

Today I will go for a walk with my husband. I'll play a board game with him. And tonight hopefully visit a friend in hospital. I pray that I will be able to feel in sympathy with her and her frustrations with ongoing depression. I pray that I don't overwhelm her with my high mood. Maybe she will temper my high a bit and that would be good for me.

Stability

Yesterday morning I was reminded of the fact that I will never be a completely stable person. I thought God had answered my prayers and the prayers of my friends, bringing me to a return of joy and - I thought - stability. However, I've discovered that the great joy I was feeling was actually a bit higher than I should be. I started organizing all kinds of social functions - four within five days. Looking at my calendar, I realized I was going overboard - not very stable at all.

I called my pdoc and he has adjusted my medication: less prozac and more loxapine - quite a bit more loxapine. The need for this saddened me. I felt frustrated, knowing that - once more - my feelings, those very good feelings, were not a normal thing. Frustrated that the wonderful joyful feeling wasn't anything to be too happy about.

Yet today, sitting on my patio in the early morning, God helped me see that none of us are really stable. What I should have prayed for was a stable "place" - "a firm place" - to be. I should have asked for God's strength to be with me - God, the bedrock underneath my feet.

And I do have that strength today. I feel motivated. Today those giddy feelings of my heart dancing within me are somewhat subdued. So thankful for that, even though it had felt good. Yet it's kind of hard to accomplish things when you're so drunk with joy as well.

One thing that this dramatic mood change has given me is a deeper appreciation for God's power. If I were always stable and comfortable wouldn't I end up taking God for granted? I now realize the only person who is truly stable is God Himself. He's the only constant one. If I trust Him, He will give me what I need to do the work He has for me to do.