Thursday, July 09, 2009


Yesterday morning I was reminded of the fact that I will never be a completely stable person. I thought God had answered my prayers and the prayers of my friends, bringing me to a return of joy and - I thought - stability. However, I've discovered that the great joy I was feeling was actually a bit higher than I should be. I started organizing all kinds of social functions - four within five days. Looking at my calendar, I realized I was going overboard - not very stable at all.

I called my pdoc and he has adjusted my medication: less prozac and more loxapine - quite a bit more loxapine. The need for this saddened me. I felt frustrated, knowing that - once more - my feelings, those very good feelings, were not a normal thing. Frustrated that the wonderful joyful feeling wasn't anything to be too happy about.

Yet today, sitting on my patio in the early morning, God helped me see that none of us are really stable. What I should have prayed for was a stable "place" - "a firm place" - to be. I should have asked for God's strength to be with me - God, the bedrock underneath my feet.

And I do have that strength today. I feel motivated. Today those giddy feelings of my heart dancing within me are somewhat subdued. So thankful for that, even though it had felt good. Yet it's kind of hard to accomplish things when you're so drunk with joy as well.

One thing that this dramatic mood change has given me is a deeper appreciation for God's power. If I were always stable and comfortable wouldn't I end up taking God for granted? I now realize the only person who is truly stable is God Himself. He's the only constant one. If I trust Him, He will give me what I need to do the work He has for me to do.


sbwrites said...

Dear Marja,
After so many depressions, there is a great joy in feeling joy, isn't there?

But, I agree it's important to make sure we're not so "joyful" that we're overdoing it.

Whether we look for stability in God or within ourselves, it's never easy.

And while we may perceive others as more stable, I've learned they have as many problems as we do--perhaps just different ones.

But, most people are just unwilling to admit it!

Take care!


marja said...

Thanks, Susan. Neat thing happened to me when I realized I was going overboard. The sadness of knowing I wasn't stable after all seemed to draw me back - back from being too overly joyful. Today (Saturday) I do feel quite in balance. Thank God!

sbwrites said...

Thank God is right! I'm always grateful when something that might last longer only lasts briefly!

Nancie said...

Dear Marja,

It is so true that God is the bedrock underneath our feet and we need much strength from Him daily to walk with Him and serve Him. I am also struggling with ups and downs and still learning to manage. Like you, the dramatic mood change has also given me a deeper appreciation for God's power. Thank God that He is with us and drawing us nearer to Himself each day!

Take care and God bless you with His love and joy daily.

With love and prayers,

marja said...

Dear Nancie,

It's so good to hear from you, my friend and sister in Christ. Yes you understand all this so well and it's so good for that reason to have you as a friend.

I pray that you will feel the joy of God's presence today and often. And, even if you don't feel it, that you'll always remember that He IS there. But I know you ARE fully aware of that.

I saw this morning that you posted on July 7th. I will go there later today and read. But first I need to go and get my workout in.

Love, marja