It's a good morning

I felt like this preparation for the talk on Sunday was such a hurdle. Just couldn't apply myself. Yesterday afternoon I felt like everything I had to do was so complex and difficult. I had really started feeling quite down.

But in the early evening I sat outside for awhile with my cup of coffee. I asked God to please help me. Amazingly, after that I felt refreshed and ready to try again. I sat down to the computer and got a lot done.

What I'll do is read small portions from my two books here and there to fill out the talk. Although I don't believe a person should read a lot within a presentation, some things are best described in well planned words, like I have in my books. Besides, what I read will give people a taste of what's in my books, in case they'd like to purchase a copy.

This morning, once more, I sat outside and all the complicated stuff I'm dealing with now seems manageable. I'm ready to tackle it all. Thank you, God!

Bedrock under my feet

Darn! I just saw my GP and there's nothing physically wrong with me. This excessive sleeping I've been doing is "all in my head" - due to depression. My sleeping pattern has been weird lately, symptomatic of depression. I wake up at four or five (six is normal for me) and don't go back to sleep - till the middle of the day, and then I feel like I want to nap all the time.

The sleeping, and the result - not accomplishing anything - is depressing. Or is it the other way around? Is it that I don't feel like doing anything, feel depressed, so escape by sleeping?

And yet I have some good times thrown in there as well. I'm really trying to line up things for myself to do, things that I might find stimulating. And yet it is too often hard to motivate myself.

I feel best when I'm around people. Had a wonderful time at church on Sunday. That morning set the tone for the rest of the day and my husband and I went for an outing, the kind of outing we used to take when we were younger. It was a good Father's Day for him.

A friend told me how wonderful Psalm 18 is, especially in The Message. When I went to it I was especially taken with the very first verse. I've had my Bible open to it ever since and look at it often. It encourages me to trust in God - to trust that He will give me a "firm place to stand."

"I love you, God - you make me strong. God is the bedrock under my feet."

Changing gears

I've been experiencing a long series of mixed moods. This has gone on for weeks now and I'm getting pretty tired of it. Feeling okay for one or two days, then feeling down for a couple of days. Those mini depressed episodes can bring me down seriously low. I'm finding I constantly have to change gears.

I'm trying to do some positive things - some creative projects - hoping to boost my mood, hoping to reactivate me. Better than just lying around, I suppose, but so far it hasn't worked too well.

Today was a down day and as I look at all the things I'm committed to this week, I'm feeling worried I won't be able to handle them all. Not unless I can wake up in a better mood tomorrow. I have to pray for an up day tomorrow.

Too often I feel like withdrawing from everything, just hiding or disappearing altogether. Can't see how I can do all that's on my plate.

My negative thinking is affecting me bigtime. That's probably the worst of it. I struggle to hang onto my faith. I question my worth. I question whether God can still use me.

My pastor pointed out Psalm 42 and 43 to me this morning and they're an encouragement. At the end of each, David wrote:

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

And as I go through my depressed periods, I need to say to God: "...and yet I will praise you, my God and Savior."

Tomorrow I'll see my pdoc. See what he can do to help me.

In the meantime I need to give myself into God's hands and trust Him.

One day at a time

I had such a wonderful day yesterday. I started the day off baking my first batch of cookies. That energized me. Smelling the Christmassy spices emanating from my oven motivated me to do other things. My husband helped me wash all the dishes that had been collecting. It felt so good to feel well enough to do that. I carried on later in the day tidying the messy dining area, something I had previously felt powerless to tackle.

I felt so happy, so freed from the prison-like state I have been in for so long. Got lots of things done. Felt like Christmas could now really begin for me.

In the afternoon I called my good friend who has been such wonderful support for me. I was all excited and happy about how my mood had turned around. But I was disappointed that she did not share in my happiness in the way I had hoped. She warned me to take one day at a time, realizing that these breaks from the depression have happened before, only to have the depression return again.

These last couple of months have been like that. Periods of non-motivation, even getting to the point at times of not wanting to go on. Then I escape and am able to function normally again, only to dip down again a few days later. A real roller coaster ride this has been.

I've learned though, that I need to have a manageable focus in place. One important thing to work towards at a time, not worrying about the rest. This week it's the Living Room Christmas party. One of our members offered to cook us a turkey. The rest of the dinner will be supplied by the others. I think it will be a good time.

I've also remembered to make a list of things to do for each day, setting manageable goals. This is something I've always advocated yet have somehow forgotten to do lately. Yesterday I managed to achieve all my goals. Truly a wonderful feeling to have done that.

I awoke this morning not feeling quite as wonderful as I did yesterday. But I have set my goals for today and will work on those, doing instead of thinking. (It's the ruminating - the thinking without doing - that gets me into a lot of trouble.)

And I will remember to live, knowing that God is my stronghold. With Him everything is possible, including the ability to prepare well for Christmas - to be happy - to smile - to love.

A roller coaster ride

It has been such a very long time since I wrote here. I feel bad about it, because this blog has always been important to me.

I've been on a roller coaster for about two months now - times when I've been okay and other times when I've felt very down, not knowing how I can continue, wishing I could get off the ride.

I've heard some people with bipolar say how they think they are well and will always be well. They've learned to handle life and their illness in such a way that it will never pose a problem for them again.

The truth is that once you have the disorder, you can never be sure of your wellness. The depression will always return. Meds need to be changed and the downturn will have to run its course. It can be very discouraging. You wonder if you can ever be counted on again.

I've been fortunate. I've had a lot of support - good friends and an understanding husband.

My pastor Don talked on Sunday about Bill Hybels' book, Holy Discontent. How we all have something in the world that we're not happy about. When this becomes a passion and we know that we want to do something about it we will know it's God's calling for us. I have that holy discontent. I want very much to make a difference in the lives of people with mental health problems. I feel called to help and erase the stigma that exists. I would like to help society - and especially the church - accept people like us better. I want to educate Christians so that they will treat people like us with compassion - so that they will know how to support us.

Yes, I have a holy discontent. Unfortunately my work has had to be put on hold while I try to just cope with my day to day home life...and with Christmas. How I long to be well enough - strong enough - to pick it up again. I'm working hard to get to that point.

As a result of the depression, it has been hard to motivate myself to do even the basics. But I do have good days when I can do some catching up. Yesterday was good. I was encouraged. In the evening, after a full day, I sat down and made a list of all the things I will need to do before Christmas.

Christmas will be toned down a lot at our house this year. My dear husband has even told me we don't have to have Christmas at our house this year. We don't have to buy a lot of gifts, we don't have to send out cards, I don't have to bake. That was a very good thing to tell me. It relieved the pressure I felt. As a result I'm now doing what I want to do, not what I have to do. And I want to celebrate as well as I can. I want to do some baking. I want to clean house and decorate it. I want to have a tree. I want this to be a holy time for us.

My friend Helen has helped me by pointing me to the Psalms to give me support and encouragement. And I read how "The Lord is the stronghold of my life." (Ps 27:1) I cling to words like those and find peace reading them. God will hold me up and give me the strength to do the things I need to do. And I know He loves me.

A couple of days ago I played with a baby. Loving that baby broke out good feelings in me. And I could see how I need to live my life out of love - love for my husband, my friends and family, and for God. I need to try and stay engaged with them. Feel their love. Return their love.

And I will live one day at a time, doing what is most important. Maybe this is the day I will turn around.

Something's got to give

Today I decided to let someone else lead Living Room for awhile, as I give myself a chance to recover from this down period. It's for times such as this that I have a partner and co-facilitators. Janice, a faithfilled and enthusiastic person who will be starting her own group in Vancouver in January, will lead the meeting this Friday. If you know how much leading Living Room means to me, you will realize how difficult this decision was to make. But I believe it was the most responsible thing to do. I'm just not in good enough shape.

I seem to be having alternating bad and not-so-bad days. The bad days are really bad. On the better days I'm doing well when I can accomplish two or three things and eat a good meal. These better days are also when I visit my mom.

This afternoon I was feeling lonely and called a new friend from church. I am only getting to know her but know that she wants to learn about mood disorders and she wants to be supportive. She invited me over for a coffee and we had a good visit. After I left I felt refreshed, lifted up. Was able to go home and get into doing some laundry. How good it is to just talk to someone for awhile! Even when I'm depressed I need to be with people on a regular basis. With my husband away, I definitely need to make sure I don't isolate.

I'll just have to be careful I don't drag my friends down or just talk about myself all the time. Depression can make you so self-centered! Sometimes I feel downright sorry for myself. When I give into that I'm so ashamed when I realize what I'm doing. My depression deepens.

Tomorrow I'm having lunch with an old friend. On Wednesday I see my counselor, something I seldom do. Thursday I have my writer's workshop. Friday I have Living Room. Looks like I'll be well set for socializing this week. A good thing.

Now to make sure I get out to Curves and cook for myself, something I'm finding very hard to do. (Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal and a bowl of soup. And that was it. That was a BAD day.)

A need to move

Living Room was wonderful yesterday, yet I was worried about myself going into it. Wondered if I could carry out the leading the way I needed to. Life has been so very complex, especially with my mother sick. We found out she'd had a heart attack. She will be in hospital a little while and how she will cope when she gets out is uncertain.

Before Living Room, I prayed hard, my friend Helen prayed with me, I solicited prayer from my pastor, and Janice, my co-facilitator and I prayed before the meeting. The complexities of my life have caused me to let a lot of little things go - some of them important little things. So I was worried about how I'd handle the devotional time yesterday. I feel somewhat disorganized. Yet I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I'm not down....I don't think.

God came through 100% yesterday. The meeting proved that God is real and that He'll show up when you ask Him to - and that He'll be there to strengthen you. Mostly leading Living Room is about sharing God's love and I was - in spite of all - able to do that - fully eager to do that.

We ended our devotional time yesterday with this piece of Scripture from the Message:

God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us.

That's so true!! All I had to do yesterday was to love people with the love God gave me to give. And the atmosphere was joyous. We were totally happy and "together." And that's the main thing, isn't it? The devotional went off fine.

But today I'm having trouble getting myself moving. It will be an effort to put one foot ahead of the other, to do the laundry - perhaps go to Curves. Then this afternoon I need to go and see Mom. Yet it all seems like an awful lot of effort. Dear God, please let this not be the beginning of a down swing.

Cloistered

I feel a bit like a nun - have felt like that for quite awhile now - tied to the work I do, paying little attention to the world around me. I never watch TV. Don't keep track of the news - not via radio, TV, or newspaper. There's an election coming up and I don't have a clue who to vote for. After 36 years as a serious photographer, I've cut photography out of my life. So glad about that, even if it had always given me such joy.

My friends and my church are very important to me though. They're my support system and I stay in close touch with them. Unfortunately, my contact with blogging buddies is slipping. I feel bad about that.

There are just so very many things at me and I think that letting so many things slip away is my way of coping. Because I am coping. Though I have so many things going on, I don't feel stressed. I've learned to deal with one little thing at a time, shutting everything else out...things like cleaning up the kitchen, planning meals, paying bills...opening mail, for that matter :) I'm finding it's becoming more and more important to write down every little thing I need to do. If I didn't I'm sure I would forget important commitments.

Now I'm up against something else: My mom is in poor shape. She is terribly confused and sleeping most of the time. I'm so happy that I was able to arrange for health support workers to come in and check on her morning and evening. Even then, I had a call this morning that she had - in her confusion - taken all today's pills yesterday. Was that why she was too weak to even have a shower this morning? I'm sure someone will now administer her medications.

What really makes me sad is that Mom is starting to live in the past. My sister visited today and Mom said how much she misses the family. She asked for my dad who died years ago. She's so dreadfully confused. Feeling alone. I want to love her like a mother loves her young child.

Yet Living Room is coming up this Friday and I'm looking forward to it. We will talk about relationship with God, drawing from The Shack and Philippians 2:1-8 for inspiration. If it weren't for Living Room and what it means to me, would I be coping as well as I am?

I don't believe in "If" anymore

This excerpt from my book A Firm Place to Stand has been on my mind lately and I felt I really wanted to share it with you. It is a reflection on how I used to try to survive with my symptoms and the difference believing God has made to me:

With the greatest determination, I used to cling to what was left of my mind’s composure. I felt as though I were hanging from the edge of a high rooftop, white-knuckled, panicky with fear. How long can I hold on like this? Can I maintain my strength? What will happen if I let go? Exhaustion overwhelmed me. Far below was the hard ground and no one to catch me if I fell.

But I did fall – quite often. These experiences were devastating and difficult to recover from. The support I received from family, friends and my doctor was helpful, but I was alone in the battle.

Rudyard Kipling’s poem If was like a bible to me during many years of my illness. I described in Riding the Roller Coaster how meaningful this poem became, how I patterned my life after its good counsel, how I carried it with me for many years. It encouraged me to become a productive and responsible person. I still think highly of the poem and try to go along with most of its advice. I follow through on my dreams, don’t worry about what others say and try as much as possible to “…fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run.” But I no longer listen to the challenge Kipling leaves us with these words:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will, which says to them, “Hold on!”

For twenty-three years, I tried to live out those lines when I was in crisis. I tried with my best willpower to survive the mental turmoil that overtook me. I was determined to be strong, hanging on to whatever I could, but not finding much of substance. Those were times of anxiety and fear.

Coping with crisis finally changed for the better when I could no longer deny that God is real. I realized I didn’t have to depend on myself alone. I could relax my grip and trust in someone much stronger than me.

The faith I learned to have in a God who loves me too much to let me go helps me cope better with stress. Extreme difficulties no longer develop as often. Sometimes I still have a fear of falling, and for good reason. But today I have a Bible that tells me, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10, NLT) Remembering this gives me comfort when I need it. I am not as afraid anymore.

Challenging periods will always be part of my life. There will be times when I’ll have trouble. I may even fall. But I know that when I do, there will be someone there to catch me and stay with me as I recover. I’ll never be alone again.

Hanging on the wall across from my bed is a photograph of a child’s small hand resting comfortably on her father’s big hand. Underneath are the words from Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” During tough times, I look at that photograph and feel a sense of peace. No longer is there a need for white-knuckled fists, no longer a need to rely on my own inadequate strength.

An illness like any other

Michelle's difficulty with accepting her diagnosis of bipolar disorder prompts me to share an excerpt from my first book, Riding the Roller Coaster. Throughout the writing of this book I held in mind the people who were newly diagnosed and how hard it is to come to terms with it and how hard it is to learn to cope.

An Illness Like Any Other

"What consoles me is that I am beginning to consider madness
as an illness like any other, and that I accept is as such."
- Vincent van Gogh, in a letter to his brother, 1889

We always think of mental illness as something that happens to other people, not to us. To be diagnosed with depression or manic depression is a scary thing. But how we cope with our mood disorder is largely determined by how we look at it. If we can accept it as the illness it is - an illness like any other - we will be ready to move ahead with our lives in a positive way.
The negative view much of society has of mental disorders is partly due to the fact that people do not understand there is usually a physical basis for these illnesses, often in the form of a chemical imbalance. This imbalance is treatable with medication. With effective treatment most of us can live close-to-normal lives. Mental illness is an illness like any other.
In fact, mood disorders are comparable to other illnesses, such as diabetes. A diabetic is not to blame for his or her illness. Neither is a person with a mood disorder. Just as diabetes can cause serious disability and even death, so can mood disorders. Diabetics often require the use of medication to maintain stable blood sugar levels. People with mood disorders also require medication, in their case, to maintain emotional balance. Finally, as is the case with those who have diabetes, if people with mood disorders take their medications regularly, chances are they will live a close-to-normal life.
Nevertheless, because of the fear of having a "shameful" condition, or of being labeled by society, many don't search out the help they so desperately need. What results is much unnecessary suffering by people who could otherwise have been helped.
In recent years much research has been done and doctors, mental health associations, societies and libraries can provide much information. Mood disorder self-support groups are an especially good source of information. Here we can find pertinent literature and discuss affective illnesses with others who have problems similar to our own.
As we come to terms with our disease we learn to understand how imperative medications and other treatments are - how they form the basis for our well-being. Once we have the physical aspects of our illness under control, we can prepare to take charge of our lives and make the most of the strengths we all have.
As we walk with our friends and acquaintances, we should walk with self-assurance. In that great family of individuals who suffer from personal problems, sicknesses, and handicaps, each of us is a unique yet ordinary member.

Note: I wrote the above ten years ago. It was utterly unthinkable to me that a person with bipolar disorder could manage without medication. I know it has never been possible for me. I also know that the majority of people with bipolar disorder that I come across - and I meet many in the work I do - medication is necessary if they are to function normally. However, I also know that in the blogs I've read there are a number of people who are making it without or with very little medication. I would not recommend trying to persevere without medical care at the cost of being unstable. Bipolar disorder can cause a lot of damage - to our finances, our relationships, our safety, and even the safety of those around us. It needs to be adequately managed. Medications can make a good, productive life possible.

Need for a sabbath

First of all I want to thank all who commented on my last post: Terri, Desiree, Susan, Merelyme, and Isabella. So good to hear from all of you. And a big welcome to you, Isabella.

Today I feel a great need for a sabbath day. Although I'm doing much better mood-wise than I did last year, the pressures of the season have a way of grating on the nerves. Yesterday we went to a big family gathering and I came home feeling emotionally exhausted. I so look forward to Pastor Don's sermon today. I so long to once more reflect on what this season is all about. I so long for a day of peace.

We still don't have any decorations up at our house. I still haven't sat down to figure out whether I know what I'm going to give to all the people I want to buy for. I still have to get the Christmas cards done.

But today I'm going to have a day all for me - doing only what I feel like doing - not doing anything that truly needs to be done. Tomorrow I will carry on with the must-do's.

I don't feel truly depressed, yet there are indicators that suggest things are not the way they should be with me. There are too many messes around the house that bother me - small messes, yet messes I'm having trouble clearing away. I want to, but somehow I can't bring myself to actually do it. Ever felt that way?

I long for Living Room this Friday. We'll talk about how Christmas is affecting all of us this year. I know I won't be the only person having troubles.

This morning, before I start my official sabbath day (though please don't think I'm legalistic about this sabbath thing), I think I will make a list of all the things I'll need to do in these two weeks before Christmas. I know what will happen is that things won't look nearly as over-whelming as they seem to be. ...And I will try to keep lots of time for me in the plans - time to withdraw from the busyness - time to read and draw and play.

Somewhat supercalifragilistic, but grateful

I've been talking a lot lately about how good can come out of bad and today I can once more see this happening in my life. I've found pleasure in a new creative activity; I'm walking closer to God; and I'm feeling secure in the love of my friends.

There have been symptoms of depression lately, as some of my recent posts have shown (or "supercalifragelisticexpialidocius" as Susan would call it - see her comment at this recent post). It has been hard to do the things I need to do, I've experienced a lot of anxiety and an undercurrent of tearfulness. Yesterday my doctor put me on prozac. He wants me to take a therapeutic dose and then carry on with a maintenance dose once I'm back to normal.

I've done a lot of things to help me deal with this episode and they have been working well. One thing that has caused me to feel ashamed is that I believe I rely too heavily on my friends. This feeling is probably as bad as it is because of depression's negative thinking. To counteract this I've tried to cling to God more. If I go to my friends because they love me and I love them, then shouldn't I go to God in the same way - because he loves me and I love him? I started making my journal entries into "Dear God" letters. As a result I have started feeling closer to him. That has given me a lot of comfort.

I have been very open with my best friend about what is going on with my feelings and my thoughts. As a result she is reaching out to me, calling me every day. What a comfort that has been! At a time when I needed to hear it spelled out, she told me she loved me. When I felt I was contacting her too much, she assured me that I could call her anytime. What a comfort this assurance was to me! This friend exemplifies what Christian support can be. She is very much a follower of Christ and through her, my own faith is encouraged to grow. She makes me feel worthy; she makes me feel loved. And that is so important for a person going through depression.

Other good things that have come out of this "supercalifra...." : I've given myself a break from pushing mental health awareness, allowing time to prepare my heart for Christmas. I'm finding comfort in playing with making pictures. My inner child, that needy part of me, is being fed with the things it needs right now: creativity, peace, and love.

...and I am grateful. And God is good.

"Do you want to get well?"

There's a story in the Bible about a man who has been crippled for a long time. Before Jesus heals him, he asks the man, "Do you want to get well?" Today I ask myself that question. I've so grasped onto this idea that I am now depressed that I'm not letting it go. I've so adjusted my thoughts to trying to do battle with this that I'm now focusing too much on it. I need to free myself from this and live as though it doesn't exist - as though it has no right to exist.

Susan gave a suggestion in her comment to my last post. She said, "My latest technique, brainswitching, also works for me. Whenever I think I'm feeling low, I don't use the word "depressed" and don't worry about being depressed. Rather I come up with a childhood word, for me it's Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, from the film Mary Poppins. It makes me smile and doesn't allow the brain kindling to happen."

I like your term "brain kindling", Susan. That is indeed what seems to have happened within me. And "brainswitching"... that is indeed what I need to do. I need to act as though I'm not depressed. I need to think I'm not depressed. I should not talk about being depressed. Instead I'm trying to color my world by making pictures.

I will try to accept God's healing touch and move forward.

By the way, please check out my new article on how Christians can support people with depression. It just went online yesterday.

Other-centeredness

First of all, thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I hope you'll check out the comments I made on your comments :-)

A couple of days ago I felt so awful, even thinking I might be on the edge of depression again - all because I felt I had been leaning too heavily on my friends - bothering them too much with my phone calls and emails. Today I feel much better. It didn't take long to get over. Makes me wonder whether I wasn't a bit too quick to start complaining publicly about my insecure feelings.

Through helping a friend who was in some trouble I forgot all about my own. I find repeatedly that when I start to think about others rather than myself I feel better. When I do a little thing for someone else, or call to see how someone who hasn't been well is feeling, or when I work on a piece of writing that might help others, I don't have as much of a problem. When I forget about myself I don't worry about how I look to others. I stop looking inside myself and look outside.

Yet it's the nature of depression - and mania as well - to focus on self. We become self-centered. I've learned that by practising other-centeredness I can perhaps even ward off a depression when it threatens. It doesn't always work, but I'm sure it has helped many times.

Facilitating my Living Room support group has helped my emotional well-being in a big way. I feel stronger, more together. Today there are 37 members in the group. Of course, not everyone shows up at the same time. I receive frequent phone calls from people who want to start coming and phone calls from people who want to talk. There are always two or three that need some special attention. Serving the needs of these people has given me great joy. I feel I'm doing what God designed me for. Living Room has helped me stop thinking of myself overly much. I've prayed for a long time to be more other-centered and Living Room has been one of the answers to this prayer.

If you are interested in the Living Room faith-based support group concept for people with mood disorders, let me know. I have created manuals to help you set one up as an outreach project for your church. It's thorough and will give you all the tools you need. Just email me at info@candidsbymarja.com.

Depression: a disease or a state of mind?

Mel Avila Alarilla left an interesting comment on my last post - something that prompts me to discuss this further.

Yes, depression is a state of mind, but this state of mind is caused by a disease - or a disorder.

I think there's an unfortunate misunderstanding of what mental illness is. In my opinion keeping "physical" and "mental" illnesses as separate entities is a mistake. I believe that mental illness is just as much a physical problem as heart disease, asthma, or diabetis. In mental illness the organ that's affected is the brain. Physiological malfunction of this organ affects a person's thinking, emotions, and behavior. This occurs through no fault of the person who is ill. I feel the time must come that mental illness be no longer put in a separate category. It IS just another illness.

Can faith conquer depression? Faith will help us cope, as it does with other illnesses. But once a person has a disease like bipolar, depression and mania are inevitable, no matter how much faith he has. We can cling to scripture all we want and it will often help, but the depression and negative thinking and feeling that comes with it cannot be avoided. Neither can our highs with the elated feelings be avoided. This is the nature of the disease.

Mel says how his life changed when he began following Jesus. I can enthusiastically say mine did too. It's quite amazing where God has brought me and I'm very grateful. I'm sure I wouldn't be doing as well as I am now if it weren't for Jesus in my life. The church I belong to has been very supportive. Through my friends there, I've come to understand how great God's love is. The knowledge and assurance of that love does much to keep me well, secure, and with less fear than I would otherwise have. Sharing that love with others has taken me out of the victim role and made me strong.

...Yet I still get hopelessly depressed at times. It just happens. I went through two months of it only a while ago. I struggled, I prayed, and my friends prayed with me. But it had to run its course.

I must say, though, that experiencing these moods is not all bad. The suffering is misery - yes. But going through this suffering is what helps me understand others who suffer. I know a language that those who have it easy cannot understand. This language helps me connect with many people. If I didn't go through depression once in a while I might forget. I would perhaps lose the ability to have compassion.

I'm not sorry that God made me the way he did - bipolar and all. I know he did it for a reason. He has given me work to do that I can do precisely because I have this disease. And I love this work. Facilitating Living Room, the faith-based support group for people with mood disorders, is pure joy. I like to refer to the way I feel after meetings as "holy joy." There's nothing else like it. Hard to believe, I know, but true.

Faith and mental well-being

Studies have been done about the benefits of faith to our health, including our mental health. Most of them have found that religious people have a greater ability to cope than people without a faith. One of the top researchers in this field is Dr. Harold Koenig of Duke University Medical Center. An interview with him by Lisa Schneider brings to light some of his findings. Dr. Koenig has a number of books out on the subject.

The reason I bring this up now is because yesterday a friend asked me, "What does your belief in God mean to you and your ability to cope with bipolar disorder?" When I started listing for her what my faith meant to me, I found I couldn't stop. Once more - as always happens when I take the time to stop and think about it - I was overwhelmed at how far I have come since I first began believing in God nineteen years ago. My life has become rich and full of purpose. I was transformed and I continue to be transformed. It is an exciting journey.

I want to share here some of the things I'm doing that I'm quite sure I wouldn't be doing if I hadn't been studying the Bible, learning about Jesus, spending time in prayer, and belonging to a community of friends who share my beliefs. When I became a follower of Christ:

1. I learned to fear less and trust more.
2. I gained the courage to speak openly about my disorder by writing about it, realizing that it's only by talking about mental illness that we can reduce the stigma. This is what God would want for the world.
   
3. I learned that I don't have to be ashamed of having a mental illness. I am God's child.
4. I sensed God's love for me and learned to share that love with others.
5. I gained the support of wonderful friends who love me with a godly love, no matter what I go through or what I do or say.
6. I discovered a purpose that is greater than me, work that I find exciting and of significant value.
7. I discovered gifts I never knew I had. I became a leader and activist. (not bad for someone who was for so many years a shy person, afraid to speak up)
8. I learned to persevere and never give up hope.
   
9. I learned that when I help others, I become strong. I am no longer a victim.
   
10. I learned that I can, in a very special way, understand those who struggle like me. Listening to other people's problems connects us. A meaningful bond develops. There is richness in that.
11. I learned that God made us to be creative - in his image. When I have the urge to make something happen I try to obey. What an exciting life that creativity has brought me!
12. Though depression is still a hellish experience, I have come to look on it as something to use. By trying out different coping techniques and writing about them, I can make good come out of bad. I've learned that each episode helps me learn more about life. The Bible talks about trials as a "refining fire." We become better - stronger. Being reminded of what depression is once in a while helps me have compassion for others who go through it.
    
13. Though I often feel too small to carry out the work I've taken on, I now realize it's okay to be small. I better realize how big God is, and how I need to allow him to work through me. I only have to be his hands; he will do the rest.
14. I learned to appreciate the way the great potter molded me, one step at a time. And I know he's not through with me yet.
    

I am grateful for all God has given me. I like who he made me to be - bipolar and all. Life is good.

White-knuckled

Chica, in a recent post quoted Phyllis from The Young and the Restless as saying, "I'm holding on so tight that my knuckles are white." This reminded me of the way I used to feel. I wrote about it in my new yet-to-be-published book, A Firm Place to Stand, and thought I would share it here. This also happens to be a theme we will discuss at Living Room this Friday.

I dedicate this post to Chica.

I Don’t Believe in If Anymore
©marja bergen

With the greatest determination, I used to cling to what was left of my mind’s composure. I felt as though I were hanging from the edge of a high rooftop, white-knuckled, panicky with fear. How long can I hold on like this? Can I maintain my strength? What will happen if I let go? Exhaustion overwhelmed me. Far below was the hard ground and no one to catch me if I fell.

But I did fall – quite often. These experiences were devastating and difficult to recover from. The support I received from family, friends and my doctor was helpful, but I was alone in the battle.

Rudyard Kipling’s poem If was like a bible to me during many years of my illness. I described in Riding the Roller Coaster how meaningful this poem became, how I patterned my life after its good counsel, how I carried it with me for many years. It encouraged me to become a productive and responsible person. I still think highly of the poem and try to go along with most of its advice. I follow through on my dreams, don’t worry about what others say and try as much as possible to “…fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run.” But I no longer listen to the challenge Kipling leaves us with these words:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will, which says to them, “Hold on!”

For twenty-three years, I tried to live out those lines when I was in crisis. I tried with my best willpower to survive the mental turmoil that overtook me. I was determined to be strong, hanging on to whatever I could, but not finding much of substance. Those were times of anxiety and fear.

Coping with crisis finally changed for the better when I could no longer deny that God is real. I realized I didn’t have to depend on myself alone. I could relax my grip and trust in someone much stronger than me.

The faith I learned to have in a God who loves me too much to let me go helps me cope better with stress. Extreme difficulties no longer develop as often. Sometimes I still have a fear of falling, and for good reason. But today I have a Bible that tells me, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10, NLT) Remembering this gives me comfort when I need it. I am not as afraid anymore.

Challenging periods will always be part of my life. There will be times when I’ll have trouble. I may even fall. But I know that when I do, there will be someone there to catch me and stay with me as I recover. I’ll never be alone again.

Hanging on the wall across from my bed is a photograph of a child’s small hand resting comfortably on her father’s big hand. Underneath are the words from Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” During tough times, I look at that photograph and feel a sense of peace. No longer is there a need for white-knuckled fists, no longer a need to rely on my own inadequate strength.

Play as comfort for the soul

I thank everyone who commented on my last post. You are encouraging me to keep on with my new painting hobby.

Over the last few days I've been thinking of how comforting creative activity can be. I remember times in my life when it was very much soul food for me.

When I was seven years old I was sent away from my home in Amsterdam to stay at a place we called a "colony." This was an institution in the countryside for city children who were unhealthy. Here we stayed for six weeks while the nurses tried to fatten us up by feeding us lots of starchy foods - lots of bread. Parents were only allowed to visit half way through this six week period. I stayed in one of these places two years in a row.

It was a traumatic time for me, a shy little girl who found it hard to be away from home. I remember the nurse's harsh command to us at bedtime to lie facing the same direction, a ploy to keep us from talking. I remember the shrill yelling at me to get into the shower in the steamy institutional bathroom where we had all lined up naked. "Get in there! Now!" I was terribly frightened, since I had only taken baths in our zinc washtub at home. I was afraid of the hot water splashing all over my face.

One day I got locked into the bathroom by accident while everyone else went out for a walk. I panicked. Here I was, all alone, with no one to hear me. I cried and screamed. Finally, someone did come and let me out. This nurse was kind and compassionate. She got me settled at a table by a window with some coloring pencils and paper. Here, with the warm sunshine pouring down on me, I enjoyed a peaceful hour by myself, looked after by someone who cared about my feelings. That was one of the few enjoyable times I had in that place.

Throughout my adult life, ever since I first got sick at the age of nineteen, I have turned to creative activity to help me through depressions and to keep depression at bay. The solace of quiet playing with paints, photoshop, or embroidery thread restores me. Making something beautiful with my heart and hands is powerful medicine. It feeds my soul.

Feeling like doing

I've been trying to focus on doing rather than focusing on my mood but I'm finding the two are so linked it's almost impossible to separate the two.

Today I have a fairly long to-do list. Actually, it's not really that long, but it feels long because I'm rather down. I know I need to whittle it down a bit if I'm going to encourage myself to feel better. And I need to build in some time for things I really enjoy. That would make me feel better too. I need to spend some time with people. That would also make me feel better.

I feel like doing something creative. I have a need for that right now. Yet my chores are getting in the way. That makes me feel a bit frustrated - trapped. When I accomplish something creative I feel better.

I emailed a couple of friends yesterday, telling them about some of my feelings - focusing on feelings. It made me feel better. They are good friends. I know they love me. I am grateful for their love. Being grateful makes me feel better.

I'm constantly aware of my feelings as I work and play. Can't escape it.

Bipolar Wellness Writer says she focuses on wellness. I think I do too. We need to have a positive outlook. But wellness is also a state of mind for a person with a mental disorder. And when you look for wellness and don't find it you feel bad.

Perhaps focusing on hope is the important thing - hope that the feelings you experience will ultimately be good for something - hope that they will help make a better person out of you - hope that you can learn from your struggles and help others somehow.

I don't know whether all this makes sense. I must sound like a nut case here.

But I AM doing. And I AM feeling better. And I AM grateful.

A most amazing thing!

I went for a good long walk with a friend who is also experiencing depression. It was the first dry day of the month. The skies were still cloudy, but bright.

We talked lots, even praying for a while as we walked. Part of our walk took us through forest. We admired the beautiful green of the moss and the skunk cabbage growing in a ditch. My friend was tempted to feel the temperature of the rushing stream we passed. We laughed as she almost fell in.

A most amazing thing happened: When I came home I felt rejuvenated, the cobwebs in my brain had cleared. I felt more alive than I have in a long while. Over the past few hours I haven't felt depressed. What a relief!

I've heard many times about the value of walking to a depressed person, but never thought the effects could be so dramatic...or is the prozac starting to push me into mania? Don't think it would happen after only four days though.

I thank God for today's brightening of my spirits. And now I have another coping strategy I will take a lot more seriously. I have another tool. I will make walking part of my wellness plan.