Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Somewhat supercalifragilistic, but grateful

I've been talking a lot lately about how good can come out of bad and today I can once more see this happening in my life. I've found pleasure in a new creative activity; I'm walking closer to God; and I'm feeling secure in the love of my friends.

There have been symptoms of depression lately, as some of my recent posts have shown (or "supercalifragelisticexpialidocius" as Susan would call it - see her comment at this recent post). It has been hard to do the things I need to do, I've experienced a lot of anxiety and an undercurrent of tearfulness. Yesterday my doctor put me on prozac. He wants me to take a therapeutic dose and then carry on with a maintenance dose once I'm back to normal.

I've done a lot of things to help me deal with this episode and they have been working well. One thing that has caused me to feel ashamed is that I believe I rely too heavily on my friends. This feeling is probably as bad as it is because of depression's negative thinking. To counteract this I've tried to cling to God more. If I go to my friends because they love me and I love them, then shouldn't I go to God in the same way - because he loves me and I love him? I started making my journal entries into "Dear God" letters. As a result I have started feeling closer to him. That has given me a lot of comfort.

I have been very open with my best friend about what is going on with my feelings and my thoughts. As a result she is reaching out to me, calling me every day. What a comfort that has been! At a time when I needed to hear it spelled out, she told me she loved me. When I felt I was contacting her too much, she assured me that I could call her anytime. What a comfort this assurance was to me! This friend exemplifies what Christian support can be. She is very much a follower of Christ and through her, my own faith is encouraged to grow. She makes me feel worthy; she makes me feel loved. And that is so important for a person going through depression.

Other good things that have come out of this "supercalifra...." : I've given myself a break from pushing mental health awareness, allowing time to prepare my heart for Christmas. I'm finding comfort in playing with making pictures. My inner child, that needy part of me, is being fed with the things it needs right now: creativity, peace, and love.

...and I am grateful. And God is good.


Syd said...

Marja, what a lovely post. I'm so happy to hear that you're feeling more comfortable and finding more comfort in your relationship with your best friend and with God. Both are so important.

Sometimes it's hard, and humiliating, to believe that we need our friends and God more than we think we "should". But that's what best friends are and there is no problem that is too large, or too small, for God.

I wish you much peace, comfort and contentment as you prepare for the upcoming holiday.

SBWRITES said...

I second Syd's comment: What a lovely post! I think it's great that you can confide in a friend and she's there for you.

I also used to write "Dear God" letters when I was down. Because of my quirky sense of humor, I actually wrote a dialogue and scripted God's response to me!

And I also think it's great that you're taking care of yourself and preparing for the holidays. My husband is teaching me how to make "woodblock" holiday cards! A little art goes a long way towards healing!

Feel better!


marja said...

Thank you, Syd and Susan. Susan, I love your idea of writing a dialogue between God and me. I think I might try that myself.

Anonymous said...

Marja, I believe it was fate I found your blog this morning. I've enjoyed reading your blog and it's helping be understand my Mother in Law who is bipolar. The holidays are always stressful to her and each year there is always a lot of drama. This year, I'm the target and I've cried most of the night and morning from a couple of very hurtful emails she sent me last night and this morning. She has two sons and a daughter. I'm married to the oldest son and we live near her with our children. The other two children live out of state. The daughter hasn't visited in 3 years and the youngest son finally visited after 11 months. My husband and I have tried to educate ourselves so we can help her as much as possible. She's feeling sad, angry, depressed, etc. right now because her other children have chosen not to stay close with her as we have. I haven't been able to travel out of state to see my Mother in 4 months because my teenager suffers from connective tissue disease and is recovering from a severe bacterial infection and walking pneumonia. My Mother in Law sent me an email out of the blue saying "if your mother died tonight, would you feel guilty?" because I haven't seen my Mom due to my daughters serious health problems. I know in my heart she didn't mean to hurt me, but it hurts none the less. I love her dearly and have been the closest one to her through all of her ups and downs in the past couple of years. I know she's really saying to me what she doesn't have the strength to say to her daughter and youngest son. I'm turning to you because you have a stronger faith than I have at this time and I was hoping you could give me some insight on what to do. I've tried to be a loving daughter in law and good friend and always listen when she has problems and offer advice when asked. Now, she has told me and my husband she can complain all she wants about her children but we "can't". I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Any advice you can give me would be deeply appreciated. She is an amazing woman and ironically is on the Board of Directors with NAMI in America and has done incredible work helping others who are suffering from mental illness, etc. I don't know what to do because I don't want our relationship to be strained as it is with her other children. Signed "down and out in South Carolina, USA"