Thursday, July 26, 2007

About me and about Susan

I know it's not a good idea to panic when symptoms of depression first appear. After all, it may be just a glitch. Everyone has a bad day now and then. To fear being depressed could actually bring it on.

Yesterday - and a bit today (though the day is still young) - I've felt lost, lonely, bored. Is the problem that I've had so much excitement lately and I crave for that to continue? Is it that I haven't been creative enough lately and I crave to make something or to make something happen? Have I been somewhat hypomanic lately and not known it? My husband figures I have been.

All my projects are on hold. They are in others' hands, awaiting approval or editing or publishing. I don't feel like beginning another writing project while so much is in limbo. I feel that I don't have control over things right now. It's a bit frustrating.

Over the past forty years I have fought the onset of depression with new creative projects. Creativity certainly has to be a part of my life if I am to stay happy. Perhaps what I need to do today is to go back to some painting. I'm without a car all day and I know I'll get lonely. (How badly I need my friends!) Perhaps I'll walk to a friend's house later for a visit - break up the day a bit - get some exercise - do all the right things to stave off depression (just in case I am on the brink).

But here I am all self-consumed (another symptom of depression). I'm forgetting to thank all of you who prayed for my friend Susan. Having so many pray meant a lot to me, and even more to Susan. When I told her there would be many people praying for her she was very grateful - relieved to know that she would not be so alone in her battle. So THANK YOU ALL.


Daily Dose said...

I totally understand your feelings. You, like me, are very productive.

I, too feel bored a lot and sometimes its OK to find another project, a new adventure, to learn new things - its a positive thing :)

Find another project and so what if the others are unfinished - I go through that too and I just feel that it is not time for them to be complete :)

Do you read? books? Magazines? Do you go for walks? Cook? Bake?

This could be just a glitch - I am bored too right now - but for me its the Stay-at-home mom thing with my son right now. :)

~Tery (Dreamwriter)

marja said...

Thanks, Tery. You're a good friend.

I really shouldn't find a new project right now, except perhaps to write another article. But I'm not in the mood right now...but maybe later today?

I like to read. But right now I can only read for a short while. But I will try. And, yes, I should try cooking something special - or at least prepare something special for my husband. It's not good cooking weather right now - getting warm out. I'll also try to get in a walk to one of my favorite friends. It's a twenty minute walk, so just right.

This is probably just a false alarm, but it helps to write here about it. I hope I don't get anyone concerned with this.

Emilija said...

When you have a mood disorder, it is hard not to pay too much attention to your moods! Is this bad mood the beginning of a depression? Is this unusally good mood the sign of a hypomania? To some extent we have to be vigilant, so that we can take early action when an episode is coming. But it also adds a lot of worry and concern to every day mood flucuations. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance out the need for viligance with the need to just accept the moment and not over-analyze.