Sunday, February 17, 2008

Blogging to heal

Ohh, do I ever need to blog - to share with you some of the stuff I'm going through! But first I need to thank all of you who were so kind in sending your condolences when my mom-in-law died. I truly appreciated your thoughts.

I coped fine with everything until the day after the funeral. Then I found out that my best friend will be away for the months of March and April. This is someone I love very much, a kindred spirit, someone I talk to almost every day....and yes, someone I'm probably far too attached to. For the past few days I've spent much of my time in tears.

I guess spending most of three weeks at my mother-in-law's bedside as she lay dying took a toll on me, even though I thought I was handling it okay. Now my emotions are raw. I don't know what I'm most sad about, my mom-in-law's death or my friend's leaving. Can't distinguish. I just feel terribly sad.

I guess this is what grief is. Now I just hope that this grief does not turn into depression. I can't get depressed, especially while the support of my good friend is not here for me. Especially when there is so much I need to do. I'm going to do my darndest to not get depressed. Tomorrow I'm seeing a counselor, someone I've never seen before. I hope she'll be able to help me. I hope I'll like her. I hope she's good.

The sermon at church today was about love. One thing Pastor Don talked about was how great the love of God is. He talked about the "scandalous love of a father", the father of the prodigal son. The father welcomes the son back so eagerly, even running to meet him - something grown men at that time never did. (running would mean having to lift your clothing and showing your bare legs!) In spite of how the son had turned his back on him, the father threw an extravagant party for him. How much that father loved him and how it must have hurt him when this son first left! How he must have missed this son! The father in the story is meant to portray God and gives a good picture of just how great God's love for us is.

And when I think of the terrible pain I'm feeling right now, I can see the pain God must feel when he loses one of us. God understands the kind of pain I'm feeling now.

7 comments:

Jim said...

I love this quote.......

One thing we may be sure of, however: For the believer all pain has meaning; all adversity is profitable. There is no question that adversity is difficult. It usually takes us by surprise and seems to strike where we are most vulnerable. To us it often appears completely senseless and irrational, but to God none of it is either senseless or irrational. He has a purpose in every pain He brings or allows in our lives. We can be sure that in some way He intends it for our profit and His glory. Jerry Bridges

Good to see you back blogging.

marja said...

Thank you ever so much, Jim. That quote is right on. Today I feel much better. Looking back on yesterday: I felt such great pain as I listened to Don's sermon. Because of the pain I felt, and because the sermon spoke of God's love, I came to have a new awareness of God's love for us. So neat how that happened.

Today I still find it hard to pray, but I can sit in God's presence and feel his love for me in a new way.

Anne said...

Welcome back to BlogWorld, Marja!

Whenever we are dealing with the death of a loved one, grief and depression become part of our lives for a little while. To thwart off depression is only postponing it to another time.

I believe we should deal with stuff as it comes up and not put it off, wish it away, or put up a brave front.

Being the expert in death that I am (the only one left in our "family"), I can tell you that the one person I refused to grieve about is the one that a crying jag will just happen to me out of the blue - be it from being reminded of her, hearing something she would say, watching a movie/tv show or fleeting memories. I miss my Gran more than I can say.

I don't know if it is menopause emotions, grief, depression or just plain missing her, but those crying jags just creep up on me. She is the one who instilled my faith at an early age (6). She is the one who taught me about God, his love, his faithfulness to us, and how He loves us unconditonally.

Take a few moments to let the grief happen. Don't expect depression to be the next phase - gosh, there are seven levels of grief and that should keep one busy for awhile! LOL

I hope you find compatibility with the new counsellor/therapist. And I KNOW you will let go and let God guide you with your grief.

You have been through a lot the last three weeks (or more). Your husband needs you now more than ever and I'm sure you need him too. Grief is not just for one of you.

You both are in my prayers.
Anne

Bipolar Wellness Writer said...

Dear Marja,
After my mother died, I was fine for three weeks and then I just fell apart. I'd kept up my strength during the illness, during the painful last week of her life, for the Memorial Service, and the burial at sea with my aunt and cousin. And once they left, I felt such an enormous sense of loss and grief that I cried for days!

Hugs, love, and prayers from Los Angeles.

Susan

My Life with Bipolar Disorder said...

Dear Marja,

Glad to know that the sermon in church has helped you and that you are able to feel God's love and presence with you. May He continue to sustain and strengthen you as you look to Him. It is through some very difficult times in my life too that I am able to understand a little more of God's love for me.

Jim has a point too that for the believer all pain has meaning and all adversity is profitable. Thank God for the assurance of His love for us no matter what He allows us to go through. He has promised that He will never leave us nor forsake us, and He is working all things for His glory and our good. May you continue to find strength and grace in Him.

Btw, thank God for seeing my through my part-time assignment. My project has ended today, much earlier than the expected deadline. I have shared on my blog about God's goodness and mercies to me in this assignment. I am encouraged as I see God's faithfulness in sustaining me. Take care.

Remembering you in prayers,
Nancie

Anonymous said...

Hi Marja,
As it was supposed to, it has cost you to love and care for your mom-in-law. As God gave you grace through that time, may he give you fresh grace and strength to mend into a new person. The blogging has been valuable to us with mental illness who are especially dependent on God to have the resources to care for others. I saw my mother the weekend before last- she's in her late 80s and has dementia- and I was inspired by your journey.
See you soon.
Cathy

Merelyme said...

hello dear marja...so glad to see you back. loss is never easy to deal with. please give yourself time to grieve and feel all the many emotions you will experience. let it all wash over you like a wave.

you were very missed and i am looking forward to more of your words.