Friday, February 29, 2008

Surreal

It has been a few weeks since my mother-in-law died. Looking back on those last three weeks we spent with her seems surreal - a most uncommon time. I am glad we were able to spend her last days with her but, looking back, it wasn't easy.

I remember the weird feeling I had when I saw her slippers standing beside her bed when I knew she wouldn't be able to walk in them anymore. I remember how everything about her died, a little at a time: not being able to get up on her own anymore, not able to sit without getting dizzy; not able to eat solids - and then not able to swallow even the pureed foods. Her sight gradually went; her ability to speak and be understood left her; and gradually she fell into a sleep from which she didn't awake. We watched all this happen little by little. We let her go little by little. That was probably a good way for it to happen. Lots of time to let her know we loved her - too much to leave her alone at a time like that.

Boxes of her stuff are piled, untouched since the day we cleaned out her room. I need to get at them; I need to clean up. But it's hard to get started. It's hard for me to discipline myself to do anything that really "needs" to be done. We still have stacks of papers that need to be attended to as well. They've been piling up since we started staying at the home with Mom. There are unpaid bills hiding in there. I've been reading lots and spending time with friends, but it's hard to get motivated on the clean-up jobs.

And every time I walk through the room where we have Mom's stuff piled, I see the afghan that I covered myself with when I slept in the room with her during those last weeks. It brings me back to that surreal time.

3 comments:

Renewed Daily said...

Oh, Marja, don't worry or rush yourself into the cleanup. The bills will wait, they're not going anywhere. Let your heart heal aand your emotions come as they may. You will know when you are ready for the harder stuff. God's sweet Spirit will lead you. For now just enjoy the peace He gives and the hope of seeing your mother-in-law again.
You are in my prayers,
Angie

My Life with Bipolar Disorder said...

Dear Marja,

Thank God for enabling you and your husband to love your Mom and to take care of her, and walk with her through the last lapse in her life. Surely your loves are a great comfort to her and it assures her of God's everlasting and unchanging life.

How I wished I am living near you, and can go over and help you with some cleaning :-)

Do take time to let your heart and emotions heal. May God continue to strengthen your heart with His love and grace. Take care.

Remembering you in prayers,
Nancie

Bipolar Wellness Writer said...

Marja,
While the bills may need paying, sometimes the other stuff takes lots of time to be able to deal with. When my mother died, we put her stuff in a storage unit for six months. I'm just now going through the final stuff, and it's okay because I'm ready to do it.

Susan