Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The deep

I'm feeling not too bad at all this morning. I pray that this upturn will continue and that the depression won't pull me under to too much extent.

It's interesting to see how depression grabs hold. Increasingly I've been grabbed by pensive moods. My husband will catch me repeatedly, head in my hands, just sitting there, thinking - in the deep. At church I go deeply into worship, pulled into prayer. Gradually I'm pulled under until it becomes hard to actually do something. I'd rather just sit and wallow in my inner life.

Being aware of this helps. And - again - my friend's question yesterday helped: "What are you going to do for yourself, Marja?" Her suggestion was kind, encouraging me to "do" something that would benefit me and make me feel better. I know that what I need right now is to "do," instead of wallowing in thought.

It helps to write down my thoughts - to have a beginning and end to them instead of allowing them to roam around endlessly within. To bring them out onto paper, perhaps share with a friend.

I've also alerted some friends and they are encouraging me, letting me know they care. That comforts me.

Sometimes I think I'm making a lot out of nothing. Yet the onset of depression has been a real one, and sharing my fears with others and taking "action" is encouraging me to escape the deep before it totally pulls me under. I need to stay on the surface and be in the world if I'm to do the work I've taken on.

I have a list of things I'd like to do today. Nothing too difficult. Some pleasurable things and some things that are chores. I think I'll be alright. I'm not afraid. And I know God is with me.

10 comments:

P.J. said...

Hi Marja,

I'm thinking of you and praying for you today.

I totally understand what you mean when you wonder if you are making a big deal out of nothing. I often wonder that, too. The FACT is though that it's a big deal TO YOU, and that's what matters. It may be insignificant to others, but if it matters to you then it is big enough to matter to God.

(Yes, I am preaching to the choir here!!)

Love you, Marja.

marja said...

Thanks for your prayers, PJ. The thing about these feelings is that you and I know what this can lead to and it's downright scary. I tend to want to reach out to my friends, like reaching for a life preserver. It's so much better to get help before things get too bad.

Wendalyn said...

Marja,
I know exactly how you feel. I have several strageties I try when I feel myself 'slipping'. One is a long walk, and I keep walking until I sense my mindset changing. Another is to give in to it and go to bed for as long as it takes, sometimes I am just tired and rest will ward off a big depression. When things are really black and desperate, I close myself off in my bedroom with my bible, and cry out to God and open my bible, usually to Psalms and say 'Lord I am going to keep reading until one of these words breaks through the darkness..." And then I often get out my depression resource books and reread all the stuff I have read before in hopes that maybe there is something I have missed. Or, I take my list of all the things I am hoping to get done, and cross them off bit by bit, which might mean calling a customer and telling them I will be late with an order (I have never had a customer be angry with me about that), or cancelling a social thing, or whatever. Those are some of my silly strategies. We do what we can. For sure I need to get alone and be quiet and rest, that is my only defense. I will pray for you Marja...
Wendalyn

marja said...

Wendalyn: Thank you for understanding. I hope I won't get to the point of isolating. I hope I'll get out of this mood before I do. But I did have some good restful times with a book today.

Laura Offenwanger said...

Marja,

You are such a source of encouragement. As you know through the feedback about your books, you sharing honestly and deeeply affects us so much, as we who respect and admire you can say, she goes through that too... and as you say at the end of your post, "I am not afraid".

Although I'm sure at times this is more a decision of faith than a statement of feeling, it encourages me. It allows me to let myself be that human person with a disorder that can creep up on me from time to time. And it allows me to say that maybe I too, can choose to say, "I am not afraid, because You are with me."

Thank-you for being so you.

Laura O.

marja said...

Thank you, Laura, for visiting me here and encouraging me. It's a comfort to be able to honestly share from my heart in this blog - not to have to pretend that I've got it altogether.

That's what Living Room is all about, isn't it? Being able to be open about what is going on inside you and not having to hide anything.

Nancie said...

Thank God you are feeling better, Marja. Thank God for enabling you to be aware and to recognize your mood swing, as well as to know what to do to get better. I too find that writing down and sharing with friends are helpful. I so glad you have friends whom you can share with and you can also write freely on this blog and find support from blogging friends. Having caring people encouraging us is also so important. Support of loved ones and friends become a way God extend His love to us and let us know that He cares and we are not alone. Thank God for giving you the assurance that He is with you and you need not be afraid! I think that is half the battle won!

I was rereading portion of your book "A Firm Place to Stand" and very much encouraged and comforted by it. Just want you to know that God is using you in many wonderful ways. I am so thankful that we have a firm place to stand as we trust in God Who never leave us nor forsake us! May God continue to strengthen and restore you. I am keeping you in prayers. Take care and God bless

bipolar_girl said...

I miss you, Marja! Congratulations on your new book! I'm doing okay and trying to live my life the best way I know how. I love you,

marja said...

Nancie, Thanks you, once more, for your encouragement and your prayers. I'm so glad that you're finding things of value in my book. I'm so glad that God was with me in the writing.

marja said...

Desiree. How good to hear from you again! It has been such a long time! I love you too.