Monday, September 29, 2008

Never invincible

When you've been doing well for a long time, it's hard to believe that you could ever be depressed again. But with bipolar disorder you're never totally in the clear. It's bound to come back. Here I am with two books published on how to live with bipolar disorder - how to cope - how to be strong - and here I am with depression looming again.

I feel down, teary, tired, not up to doing very much. I've also been overly worried about some things - overly negative. This is discouraging.

What makes it harder is that my 94-year-old mom isn't doing well. She's terribly confused and did something to the phone so that she can't use speed dial anymore. Last week she got over-wrought, not able to call anyone, feeling isolated and anxious. I think she has forgotten to go down to meals a few times, which means she doesn't get fed. This is not a care facility. The only people looking after her are those who give her a bath twice a week and those who do a bit of cleaning once a week.

So, on top of feeling depressed I feel stressed, wondering what we will do about Mom.

I'm going to have to simplify my life as much as I can. Re-prioritize a few things. Allow lots of room to try and get some care for Mom. Allow for extra time with her.

When I told my friend that I was into a downward spiral she asked me, "What are you going to do for yourself?" That's a very good question for a supporter to ask. It made me think - made me think I need to strategize a bit instead of just complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I need to reach outside myself instead of staying caught within.

I will try to do some chores and reward myself with lots of pleasurable things. I will:

  • arrange for better care for Mom.
  • find someone to go for a walk with me.
  • go to Curves more regularly.
  • spend some time ironing, while listening to my favourite music.
  • read my new book, The Shack.
  • spend more time blogging.
  • plan some really easy but tasty meals from my Up Recipes for Down Times recipe booklet.
  • play Ticket to Ride with my husband.
  • shop for things we'll be donating to homeless people in town. (things that will make life on the street more bearable)
  • journal my thoughts.
  • email notes to my friends.
  • read my Bible.
  • pray and ask God to see me through, asking him to stay close and to help me remember that he loves me no matter what.


Nancie said...

Dear Marja,

My heart goes out to you as I read of what you and your Mom are going through. I am praying for both of you. May God strengthen and uplift you as you trust in Him. May He grant you much wisdom, grace and strength to spend time with your Mom.

With bipolar our moods do alternate every now and then. Thank God that He is with us and He will strengthen us and deliver us in His time. The feeling down, teary, tired, not up to doing very much, overly worried and overly negative are all symptoms of clinical depression and due to the chemical imbalance in your brain. They do not reflect the real you. When the chemical imbalance are restored, you will be back to normal again. Meanwhile, know that you are not alone. God is with you and I am praying for you.

Glad to see you listing the things that you are hoping to do. Do pace yourself moderately. May God restore you speedily.

With love in Christ and prayers,

marja said...

Thank you, Nancie. Thank you for your prayers. Judging by how I feel this morning, I might pull out of this before it grabs me under too much.

Wellness Writer said...

So sorry to hear about your mom and to hear that you've been feeling blue as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you and her!


marja said...

Thank you, Susan. You know how it is to be looking after an aging mother, don't you? Thanks for your prayers.