Thursday, November 03, 2011

Depression - not self-centeredness

I dived down into the depressed part of my cycle last night. And all I could think of was a wish to die - how I would like to end it all.

Self-centered? Some people would say so. But how can you be otherwise when you can't think of the possibility of living beyond this moment in time? When you can't bear the thought of continuing this life. It has become too hard.

And yet, earlier in the day I made special brownies that my celiac friend will be able to eat. And I looked forward to surprising her with them today. It's not like all I think about is myself. I also coached an immigrant in English conversation, talking lots about her - not just myself.

No. I don't think it's self-ceneteredness that is bringing me down. I don't think other-centeredness is preventing me from going there. The moods come - unbidden.

Last night all I could think of was how I would like to swallow a bottle of pills and just go to sleep forever. I'm tired. Tired of the constant ups and downs. I want to get off the roller coaster.

Today - thank God - I'll be seeing my counselor, a Christian. Finally someone who I can talk with about this. Someone who's a Christian.


Nancie said...

Dear Marja,

My heart goes out to you in your difficult experience. I can fully understand the pain, agony and tiredness of the roller coaster ride. At times I feel that way too. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

I certainly don't think our depression is due to self-centredness. In fact, I think many think it is because of our other-centredness that leads us to burn-out and slipped into depression. You are such a giving person and may unknowingly over-strained yourself from time to time when you give of your time and energy to help others.

Our Lord has delivered you in the past and He will continue to do so. He loves you deeply and you are precious to Him. May He keep you in His love and restore you speedily.

With love and prayers,

marja said...


As I said in my other post, you are such a great encouragement to me! And you should know all about this. You are such a big giver yourself, always thinking of others' needs before your own. And here you are, caring about me and praying for me, when I know you yourself are dealing with many problems of your own.

I'm praying for you too, Nancie. May God bless you and keep you. May He give you joy.