Puttering with pictures

I've been puttering with pictures, drawing with India ink and then painting with watercolors. Making pictures to use as Christmas gifts is helping me look forward to Christmas. The picture above was made using a photograph my husband took in Dubrovnik earlier this year.

But it's time to leave play time behind for a while. Today I'm trying to focus on planning meals for the next few days (which I've done now - "yeah!!") and shopping for groceries. It has been such a long time since I've felt up to shopping. Our kitchen also needs a good tidying job. Then, tonight, perhaps I will have deserved to play my favorite game with my husband. We will play Ticket to Ride, a game involving a bit of luck and a lot of strategy.

This morning I read something in my Bible that inspired me. Jesus - at a time when he was tired and hungry - said, "My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work." (John 4:34) I think that's the best kind of food for me as well and I will soon need to leave my child behind and continue doing what I believe God made me to do: helping Christians learn to understand and support those with mental health issues. That kind of "food" is healthy for me and makes me feel strong. I think that when Jesus said this, ministering to the woman at the well, he was revived and no longer felt tired or hungry.

I'm not too sure about whether making pictures is food for my spirit. Not sure whether God made me to be an artist...though I did have a bit of fun. Drawing makes me feel like a child again and my childhood wasn't a particularly happy one. It's time to leave my child behind and be a grown-up again. I want to be strong. I want the healthy food - doing the will of God.

Have a blessed weekend everyone. May you, too, find food to make you healthy and strong.

...and don't forget to check my new article online.

White-knuckled

Chica, in a recent post quoted Phyllis from The Young and the Restless as saying, "I'm holding on so tight that my knuckles are white." This reminded me of the way I used to feel. I wrote about it in my new yet-to-be-published book, A Firm Place to Stand, and thought I would share it here. This also happens to be a theme we will discuss at Living Room this Friday.

I dedicate this post to Chica.

I Don’t Believe in If Anymore
©marja bergen

With the greatest determination, I used to cling to what was left of my mind’s composure. I felt as though I were hanging from the edge of a high rooftop, white-knuckled, panicky with fear. How long can I hold on like this? Can I maintain my strength? What will happen if I let go? Exhaustion overwhelmed me. Far below was the hard ground and no one to catch me if I fell.

But I did fall – quite often. These experiences were devastating and difficult to recover from. The support I received from family, friends and my doctor was helpful, but I was alone in the battle.

Rudyard Kipling’s poem If was like a bible to me during many years of my illness. I described in Riding the Roller Coaster how meaningful this poem became, how I patterned my life after its good counsel, how I carried it with me for many years. It encouraged me to become a productive and responsible person. I still think highly of the poem and try to go along with most of its advice. I follow through on my dreams, don’t worry about what others say and try as much as possible to “…fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run.” But I no longer listen to the challenge Kipling leaves us with these words:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will, which says to them, “Hold on!”

For twenty-three years, I tried to live out those lines when I was in crisis. I tried with my best willpower to survive the mental turmoil that overtook me. I was determined to be strong, hanging on to whatever I could, but not finding much of substance. Those were times of anxiety and fear.

Coping with crisis finally changed for the better when I could no longer deny that God is real. I realized I didn’t have to depend on myself alone. I could relax my grip and trust in someone much stronger than me.

The faith I learned to have in a God who loves me too much to let me go helps me cope better with stress. Extreme difficulties no longer develop as often. Sometimes I still have a fear of falling, and for good reason. But today I have a Bible that tells me, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10, NLT) Remembering this gives me comfort when I need it. I am not as afraid anymore.

Challenging periods will always be part of my life. There will be times when I’ll have trouble. I may even fall. But I know that when I do, there will be someone there to catch me and stay with me as I recover. I’ll never be alone again.

Hanging on the wall across from my bed is a photograph of a child’s small hand resting comfortably on her father’s big hand. Underneath are the words from Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” During tough times, I look at that photograph and feel a sense of peace. No longer is there a need for white-knuckled fists, no longer a need to rely on my own inadequate strength.