Finding fulfillment

My husband and I got back from our holiday last night. We had a wonderful time - a true true rest. Something I needed. Now I feel refreshed and eager to get back to work. I was even making a list of all the things I wanted to do when I got home...while I was still on the cruise.

Just before we left I was corresponding with someone who has bipolar disorder and hasn't been able to work for awhile. She wrote:

"I personally feel discouragement, a loss of identity, and a lot of shame & guilt having been off work for this long."

I can well remember similar feelings - actually throughout most of my adult life off and on. For many years I scoured the Help Wanted pages of the newspaper on a daily basis, hoping to find work I'd be able to do. I wanted to earn money. I wanted to feel I had some value. But the two or three times I tried to work at part time jobs, I couldn't keep it up longer than two months. Always ended up in tears. The stress was just too great.

I was constantly trying to find something meaningful to do - something that would make me feel that my life had some value. With my photography I tried to earn money; I tried to become famous. Though I did earn a bit of money, and though I did receive a good reputation for my photography, neither of these were fulfilling in the long run. "Is that all there is?" I would repeatedly think to myself.

As I got older I gradually learned what was most important to me. Now I love what I'm doing and don't feel I need to be rich or famous. I just want to help people with mental illness - just get a good feeling from doing so. I want to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. My life has become meaningful.

But it was a long road to get here. And, even now, there are times that I wish I could earn some real money, even though my husband supports the both of us well enough.

It IS tricky to find a life that is meaningful when bipolar keeps you from being able to make longterm commitments. And I do still have trouble comfortably doing that. Episodes still come along and I cannot trust how I'm going to be from month to month.

My book A Firm Place to Stand deal with a lot of these questions and the struggles I've had over the years. I found out that it IS possible to find a fulfilling life. It's tricky, and it will take a lot of work, a lot of trial and error. A person needs to do a lot of searching to find out what is most important to her and where her talents lie.

The person I quoted also made another comment:

"I'm wondering How can I actually feel OK about accepting this new life, and be at peace with it."

And it does start with accepting our disorder and the limitations it puts upon us, doesn't it? Yet I believe we can create a rich life, in spite of these limitations.

How do you feel about all this? Where have your struggles taken you? Have you been able to find hope in spite of your disorder? I'd love to hear your stories.

Is this a bipolar thing? Uggh!!

In my journal this morning I made a list of all the things I'm trying to do and am overwhelmed. What I'm trying to do should be the work of an organization, not a single person!

How did I get into all this? Is this mountain the product of a bipolar mind? I haven't been hypomanic lately. Yet I'm always ambitious; I always have dreams. These things don't change. They're part of my personality.

But I can now see I have built a very high tower - brick by brick, not realizing how high it might become or how I would manage it or how I could keep it from toppling.

The good thing is that if I can't do some of the things I've personally committed myself to no one will be hurt...too much. I can let things go. Yet it's hard not to take advantage of opportunities. Letting go of some of the ones that have come along lately would be a shame. So I'm feeling pressured.

I have finished the manual that will serve as a tool to help other Living Room groups get started. And I've been hearing that people in other communities are now showing interest in starting them up. I would like to be able to support these new groups - to be there for them. I will also have to work at writing another manual for facilitators and another with sample devotional material. With those projects and writing for the website I mentioned in my last post, I have a lot of writing to do.

It's time to make a list. Time to set priorities.

God, please let me stay well. There's too much good work to do.