Monday, December 11, 2006

Not myself

I almost hate to post this. Worried someone from life in my touchable world will read and consider me unreliable. Before anyone knows, I would really like a chance to pull out of this state of irritability and this being so close to tears all the time.

It hit three days ago and I just can't shake it. Arguing with my husband, impatient with my mom. I know it's emotional exhaustion, but no matter how much I rest, it stays with me. Now you know why I could never handle having a job. And this is probably why I have so much trouble at Christmas time. There's just too much going on. Not enough time for my own stuff. Too many must do's. Even when I try to relax, I'm haunted by all that needs to be done.

I know what you're saying: What about that last post? The one about "Stuff". My good attitude is not helping at all now. Problems seem to be inescapable.

My pastor has asked me to speak at the Christmas Eve candlelight service. I would just love this opportunity, but now? I want to see whether I improve, but he needs to be able to count on me. This is the part I hate SO much about this illness. It's so difficult to commit to anything because you never know how you're going to be - especially at Christmas.

I was so eager to do this Christmas Eve stuff, I spent most of the evening mapping out what I wanted to say - I was so eager - still am. But can I count on myself?

Would an ativan help me get through something like this? But isn't that for anxiety? I'm not anxious. I'll try and see my pdoc this week if I can get in. There must be SOME kind of pill to erase these feelings.


Bleeding Heart said...

I am so sorry for how you are feeling right now and I could so relate to your feelings. I, too feel the same way around the Christmas season - it is very stressful for may different reasons.

I find though, that as long as I do what I want and enjoy - I am your energy for what you truly want to do, what you enjoy and maybe you can do what you promised your Pastor.

What is so important that you have to do? Aside from what you promised your pastor?

I have learned that some things have to be put on the back burner or just maybe it cannot happen this year - as long as YOU do what YOU want to do and what is IMPORTANT TO YOU! Be good to yourself!

Anonymous said...

It is difficult- and for the same reason that you don't think you could handle a job- I don't think I could handle school (right now anyway).

Do you know that there is a very high (in fact, the highest) rate of suicide in December? Makes sense, huh? And of course, bipolars have the highest occurance of suicide.

That being said: its easy to understand why we are so down this season- and everyone else being so freakin happy all of the time doesn't help.

They play christmas music over the speakers at the hospital, I think to lifts everyone's spirits: it just makes me want to rip the the speakers out of the walls.

Anyway: the whole point of this post- is that one of the good things about bipolar: i
s that one day you might be depressed.
The next day- you might hypomanic.
The next day you might be flat,
the next day you might be manic,
the next day you might be suicidal.
And the next day you might be normal.

The point is: try to hang out for the "next day" when you are down. You've heard "what goes up must come down"- well with bipolar, sometimes its, "what goes down, must come up".

So- what I try to do (and yes I'm young and not at all trying to tell someone as experienced as you are what to do)- is just take time to yourself: consider this down time as god's way of telling you to chill out.

This is always difficult to see I think, especially when your perceptions are clouded with the fog of depression.

Anywho: keep your chin up- tomorrow might be better.

Anonymous said...

KLONOPIN is what you want.

i feel the same, pastor wanted me to participate on a skit (however you spell that) and I was just like: sorry i'm a no-commitment person. for now.

Christmas is just TOO much

but really klonopin or xanax are really good for calming you down.

Anonymous said...

hang in there marja

bipolar_girl said...

Hang in there, Marja!Tomorrow is another day maybe things will be better. Don't pressure yourself into doing things you don't like to do. take care

chalexa said...

Marja, you know that God will guide you through this time!!! You have encouraged people about that so much on here, and i know that you need to hear it too! So i'm telling you!!! You are bogged down, irritable (story of my life), and overwhelmed, but just take one day at a time and remember to give it over to God, first thing every morning. I will be praying for you. Call me or email anytime ok?

Anonymous said...


i wish i could hug you and it would all go away!

but, i can't...

Klonopin ;)

Just kidding...seriously. I do take .5mg of Klonopin 3x/day (total = 1.5/day) and it changed my world.

This started back in December of 2001 when I really thought I was going crazy, and had no clue of what was happening to me.

The doctor said I was having Panic Attacks and put me on that regimen and it helped me significantly. I am still on the mood stabilizer.

I think it will take the edge off for you without knocking you out.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the overwhelming feelings you must be having...I have been there(am there). I think that sometimes God puts us to the test though. I think you should really try your best to get up there on Christmas eve and speak a are, after all, a born leader, and such a vessel of God's love. I know, I said should. I hate the word should. God can work through you though, and maybe, just maybe, these insecutities about getting up on the platform at your church and little nudges from the enemy. Stand strong Marja! I will be praying for you! I know you can do it!!!

Anonymous said...

by the way, I take clonazepam when I'm really anxious/irritable/worried, and it seems to help me a great deal.
Love you

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that I haven't been by in a while. Anxiety seems a common them in blogs right now. Christmastime isn't all that joyful for most people & there's so many reminders of things/people we've lost. You may not realize it, but you've got a LOT on your plate. I wish I could say how to minimize that, but I don't know. I don't know how to de-stress. I take xanax for anxiety & I am pretty sure ativan would help you, but you may want to take it a few days before so it doesn't make you too tired.
If you can, be easy on yourself. :)