Tuesday, August 22, 2006

On coping...and then not coping

It's funny. So much of the time I think I've got it all together, that I know how to cope with this awful disease. I almost begin to feel invincible. But it's amazing how many times over the past year I've been in trouble.

I spent months in a hypomanic state, waking up each morning thanking God for the day - the very moment my eyes opened. I would eagerly jump out of bed - couldn't wait to get going on all I had planned. When I called friends, I would greet them quoting the Bible (half-jokingly) "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." I felt like this for so long that I began to think this was a normal way to be. I had to ask my doctor whether it was normal. I honestly no longer knew.

When I did normalize, all I could do when I awoke in the morning was to think of how it had been when I was high. I thought it was abnormal not to utter "This is the day..." I thought there was something wrong with me because I no longer felt that happiness I had become accustomed to.

Sometimes I really don't know who I truly am.


Dream Writer said...

I feel the same way. I feel that I have things under control and then boom...I don't. I feel that I could conquer this disease and then I can't.

This disease is so darn confusing as it is a "mood disorder" and I tend to question my moods all the time. Very frustrating

Anonymous said...

Hi Marja, am reading your old posts again. I feel the same way when I am hypomanic. I jumped out of bed every morning feeling that it is a great day and I have so much to do for the Lord and His people. I am filled with the joy of the Lord and look forward to each day. When I am severely depressed, I am just the opposite. I hate to wake up each morning, hate to face each day, couldn't pray or meet God's people, just want to die and wish the Lord will take me home. Then I am a little normal, I get very confused as to which is the real me. My diagnosis helped me to understand my confusing pasts, and to realize that bipolar shapes my thoughts and behaviours. Bipolar's hypomanic enables me to be creative and more useful for God and His people. Bipolar's severe depression humbles me and keep me at the foot of the cross daily, it draws me nearer to the Lord. So much to learn. But thankful that God is in total control. Thanks for all your writings. Take care. In His grace, Nancie