Friday, August 25, 2006

Walking a tightrope

Life certainly is a tightrope. I have to walk with such care, trying to keep my balance. Just one or two wrong moves can push me into hypomania or make me fall into a depression. I'm tempted at every turn to take on more than is healthy for me. There's just so much stuff I love to do. Yet when I lazy about too much and have no goals, I get depressed.

Yesterday it happened again: I was asked to do some volunteer work, something right up my alley, something I know I'm good at, something I'm passionate about. But I have a couple of wonderful friends who helped walk me through the wisdom of taking it on. Talking to them helped me make the difficult decision to say no to this job I would so very much have liked to do. In the end it felt good to do so. I felt I was in control of my life, and life wasn't controlling me.

I've been so well lately. So stable. So relaxed. So content. Yet every day I have to consider that I don't start overdoing things. I know that if I get over involved and high on my activities, the next step will be a big fall and I could lose the things I'd worked so hard for. At least I never overspend, lucky for my husband.

Today I started promoting our support group. We're starting up on September 22nd. I'm doing my - as usual manic - best to cover all the bases: newspapers of all sorts. I do get carried away whenever I'm doing publicity work. Don't know when to stop. Even when I'm not manic I seem to have a personality that makes me always try to do the very best I can. I go to great ends, bordering on madness.

Does anyone out there find that? That even when your mood is stable, your personality seems to have a manic component that always comes to the surface?


Dream Writer said...

I Totally can relate to this post. I am trying so hard right now to stay above water. I am trying so hard to see when the symptoms are coming - to recognize them and conquer them.

When I am feeling good and I am with friends or even family, I could feel myself wanting to do or say something that may not be appropriate.

My shrink tells me not to do too much. My husband yells at me all the time that I take on too much, but I cannot help it sometimes. At times, I feel good (not manic), but just feel really good and filled with (normal) energy.

I have a hard time distinguishing the difference from a bipolar high or a normal energy level, and a bipolar low or a normal sadness.

It can be very frustrating.

jumpinginpuddles said...

although we have a different diagnosis we also struggle with being so centred on one thing we cant focus to the next one, or we do too much of everything ahnd lose track of where we were supposed to start.
I hope you find a clear medium

Anonymous said...

The manic component is always there, and always ready,sometimes even in the middle of the depression. I try not to give into them, but most of the time I fail-- to have a euphoric afternoon, with little/no aftereffect can feel so wonderful sometimes.