Sunday, August 05, 2007

My river

“For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:34)

I’m a letter writer, at times far too much so. When I have an idea, I need to share it. When a Bible verse speaks strongly to me or puzzles me, I need to discuss it. When something exciting happens in my life, I can’t keep it to myself. I write when I’m happy, when I’m excited, when I’m hurt. The river inside me must flow. What’s in my heart must come out.

I’m a communicator by nature. This is what has helped me as a photographer and writer.

But lately I've been feeling very badly about myself, having the distinct feeling that I've been burdening friends too much with emails and phone calls. This tendency to over-communicate is difficult to control; it's like an obsession. Every once in a while I feel this way - like I'm a nuisance and a burden. It's an ugly feeling; it's a depressing feeling.

Fortunately, since I started blogging things have improved a bit. I have one more place to express myself. But there's nothing like talking to a special friend who understands me and has become important to me. I just wish I could find it in myself to give my friends more space. I sincerely hope and pray that God will help me change.

This problem is with me whether I'm high or low. It is not affected too much by mood. Is this a bipolar thing? Does anyone else have problems with over-communicating?


Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Marja,
So sorry that I just communicated only now. Our pc bogged down and we had it fixed only recently.

I don't think you are overcommunicating. Your comments are well meaning and are intended to build up and not to tear down. You are such a boon to your fellow bipolar bloggers. They have someone whom they can really trust since you suffer the same things they are going through. Who can commiserate better with them than someone who suffers the same malady that they are suffering? God bless you more for all the efforts you do to uplift their sagging spirits. This verse is for you. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9)

God bless you with all the graces and strength to continue your struggles for yourself and for your fellow bipolar bloggers.

Daily Dose said...

I, too at times can overcommunicate. When I do, however, for me I think that I am hypomanic and at times when I feel that I am bothering people too much I think that it is more of a paranoia for me.

A lot of those who are bipolar are very expressive, overly sensitive and these are common traits I think.

Your feeling bad can be a form of paranoia - maybe.

Hang in there...I don't think that your friends feel this way...did they say anything negative to you?

anonymous mom said...

If your friends are still answering their phones and returning your calls, I don't think you're bothering them. You could come right out and ask in a way that allows them to answer you truthfully. It could be that they're feeling overwhelmed, or quite possibly they know what to expect and love you for it.

I think your tag said it - "obsession". Different obsessions for different folks.

Sarah said...

I am a major overcommunicator. I don't think there has been a single time in which before I started to talk to my pastor I said: "I'm sorry pastor but can we talk"? Because I always feel like such a burden.
He'd always reply patiently: Sarah, it is MY JOB to listen to you, I CHOSE this job so it's not a burden to me.

I think the same goes for friends really, they choose to be our friends and if we need to talk, it's sort of their job to listen.

I know I'd love to be burdened by your overcommunicatin.

Syd said...

Hello Marja,

Many of us with BP tend to be over-communicative at times, for me, it's usually when I'm hypomanic. But the fact that you are cognizant of that tendency and are asking yourself if you are being over-communicative probably means that you're not doing it as much as you think you are.

That said, the following words from your post really resonated with me. "This tendency to over-communicate is difficult to control; it's like an obsession. Every once in a while I feel this way - like I'm a nuisance and a burden." I often feel that way with my mother. We talk, or I should say that I talk, going on in great detail about all the minutea of my day. After I hang up, I sometimes realize that I didn't ask about her day at all, or if I did, I barely let her get a word in before she reminded me of something else I wanted to tell her.

It must drive her crazy when I behave this way, but she would never say so. She knows this about me and she loves me anyway. I suspect that your good friends are that way too.

By the way, thanks for faithfully visiting my blog and encouraging me to write, even during those days when I don't feel like it.

marja said...

Thank you all for your comments. Sorry I've been rather uncommunicative in the last couple of days - my real life has been a bit busy.

Mel: Thank you, as usual. I know talking so much on my blog is ok. That's what it's there for. I guess what I'm most concerned about is my friends that I contact by phone and email.

Tery: I tend to communicate ALL the time - when I'm high and when I'm level. Sometimes I wonder whether a lot of hypomania can rub off and become ingrained in our personality. And yes, maybe I was paranoid when I wrote this. Today (Wed) I'm feeling better about myself.

Anonymous Mom: Thank you for visiting. And thank you for the comfort you gave me with your comments. I know my friends love me and are bearing with me, in spite of it all. Good to have such friends, isn't it?
Please come again.

Sarah: You, too, comforted me with your comments. And, as I mentioned on your blog, I would love to over-communicate with you. I'm getting to the age where I feel I have a lot to share with a younger person like you. You know, you could be my granddaughter. I love you.

Syd: Thank you for visiting and for your comments. I will continue to visit your blog, even though you don't write nearly often enough :-)
I'm always so delighted to see you post something new. You write so well, and you share my faith, something that's important to me.