Unforced rhythms of grace

My pastor pointed out Jesus' words in Matthew 11:28-30 to me yesterday, verses that have given me great encouragement in the past. The NIV version reads:

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

How often I've felt burdened and stressed and needed that kind of rest! So encouraging that Jesus promised us a yoke that is easy to bear. These words help me so much to want to follow Jesus - to do as He did; to live as He did - as much as I can. These words are comforting and give me a feeling of peace. They promise that I can follow Jesus without stress. Not like I have been doing lately - the kind of stress that burned me out and caused such depression.

Eugene Peterson's version in the Message has an even greater impact on me:

28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Yes. I've been tired and worn out. Burned out. I want to recover my life, to get my passion and energy back. And all I have to do is to walk with Jesus and live the way He did. Actually, not such an easy thing to do. But there's a promise here that a better way to live can be learned. Jesus promises not to lay anything on me that is too heavy or ill-fitting. How comforting to know that!

God has equipped me to do a work for Him that only people like me, those who have lived with mood disorders can do well. And that's to comfort others who suffer as I do. That kind of work is not heavy for me. It fits me well. But I need to walk close to God. I need to keep company with Jesus.

Unfortunately, my bipolar disorder causes me to have moods that make all this hard to do. During episodes I start feeling and thinking in ways that I truly cannot help. I'm so thankful though to have friends who will help remind me of the way God wants me to live. Friends who will help kick me out of depression by reminding me that I'm loved. Friends who will help me regain proper perspective. This kind of support is priceless.

Can you blame me?

I've been worried about myself. Scared. And I'm trying to deal with this fear, because I know it doesn't accomplish anything. In fact, it will make things worse.

I've been worried that depression is round the corner for me again. And can you blame me? When I think of what I went through last year - six months of it! And when I see what some of my Living Room friends are going through...It's a scary thing and, with my disorder, is bound to return over and over again.

I pray to God that he will help me through this time of exhaustion and keep me afloat. I pray that he will help me trust in him, that he will help me remember that he is there and I don't need to fear. Trust. Please, God, let me trust.

Depression: so real, yet so unfathomable when you're doing well. So unfathomable to people who've never experienced it. Yet such a horrendously awful thing.

I place myself in your hands God. To keep and to do your will. Able to do your will.

Stability

Yesterday morning I was reminded of the fact that I will never be a completely stable person. I thought God had answered my prayers and the prayers of my friends, bringing me to a return of joy and - I thought - stability. However, I've discovered that the great joy I was feeling was actually a bit higher than I should be. I started organizing all kinds of social functions - four within five days. Looking at my calendar, I realized I was going overboard - not very stable at all.

I called my pdoc and he has adjusted my medication: less prozac and more loxapine - quite a bit more loxapine. The need for this saddened me. I felt frustrated, knowing that - once more - my feelings, those very good feelings, were not a normal thing. Frustrated that the wonderful joyful feeling wasn't anything to be too happy about.

Yet today, sitting on my patio in the early morning, God helped me see that none of us are really stable. What I should have prayed for was a stable "place" - "a firm place" - to be. I should have asked for God's strength to be with me - God, the bedrock underneath my feet.

And I do have that strength today. I feel motivated. Today those giddy feelings of my heart dancing within me are somewhat subdued. So thankful for that, even though it had felt good. Yet it's kind of hard to accomplish things when you're so drunk with joy as well.

One thing that this dramatic mood change has given me is a deeper appreciation for God's power. If I were always stable and comfortable wouldn't I end up taking God for granted? I now realize the only person who is truly stable is God Himself. He's the only constant one. If I trust Him, He will give me what I need to do the work He has for me to do.

Pressing on

It has been a very long time since I wrote here. Not much has changed since my last post. Guess that's why I haven't written. When I write I like to have words that will encourage and inspire and I've been having a hard time finding those words lately. Safer to just not say anything, eh?

I have good times when I function normally, alternating with times when I'm deep, clinging to negative thoughts. At times I lose hope. After all, this has been going on for three months now.

A series of stressful situations started this, Christmas - as usual - being one of them. But you would think it would let up after all the sources of stress have been resolved. It hasn't happened so far, but I am praying that it will happen soon. Thing is, I have to live my life and think positively, try not to dwell on the negative.

In past years I've always tried to learn from my moods - things that I could pass on to others. By encouraging others, I found I was encouraging myself. I remember sitting on my bed in the psych ward years ago working on Riding the Roller Coaster. I found satisfaction drawing from what I was going through, finding the good in the bad, and sharing it with the many others who I knew would be able to relate. Inspirational writing helped me cope with my own difficulties. That's one reason I've done as well as I have.

Today I don't have a book to work on, but I have this blog. I will try to write more often. I will try to use my writing to find the good in the bad and to share that good with you.

When I talk to my friend, expressing my feeling of shame over the way I've felt and behaved lately, she keeps telling me I need to move on. And I guess she's right. I certainly can't stay stuck here. There are things I've built my life on that require me to be strong. And I want to do those things. I want to help others who struggle with mood disorders. I want to help new Living Room groups form. I want to find the joy again - the holy joy I always feel after my Living Room meetings. I don't want to be a victim; I want to give.

I need to make Philippians 3:12b mine over the next while: "...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." And in verse 13: "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."

I need to think of tomorrow. What can I do tomorrow to bring forward the purpose God gave me to live for - to help erase stigma - to help people with mood disorders?

What good can I find in what I am going through to share with you, my blogging pals? I want you to be blessed by what I have to say and it is my prayer that I will - with the help of God - do so.

I will write more - maybe even today - as I work towards this. I will find the good in the bad. I know God will help me do so. He always has and He will again.

Hard to believe

It's hard to believe how my mental health has improved over the years. Amazing how far I have come!

The friends from my current church who have known me for four or five years think I've made great strides since they got to know me. But they didn't know me in the years before that. They have no idea how much improvement I've made!

I recall the time I became angry at my husband at a park. I yelled and screamed at him, making a huge scene. And I wouldn't let up. I used to yell and scream a lot.

I recall months in a mental hospital, not able to speak - delusional, paranoid, (more than I can talk about here). Going through a series of electro-convulsive shock treatments. Twenty years of living with a diagnosis of schizophrenia when it was later found that I had type 1 bipolar disorder.

I recall weeks and months spent in my bedroom, either in deep depression or psychotic.

I recall going to the church every day for some little thing or just to hang out. At one point the secretary even lost her temper with me, letting me know that they had work to do and I was in the way.

I recall doing odd things, behaving oddly, saying odd things, being awkward socially, getting into embarrassing situations.

Today I can honestly say I have been healed...to a high degree anyway. I feel like a normal person - stable, content and at peace. There are a lot of exciting things happening in my life right now: A Firm Place to Stand ready for release with a big book launch planned, my Living Room doing well with three new groups being established in the fall (one of them all the way in New Zealand). Yet I feel calm - not high in the slightest degree - at peace with it all.

Yes I've found healing. I still have bipolar disorder and I'm sure I'll have more mood disturbances, yet to a large degree I've found wellness and normality.

What's making me so well?

• a good concoction of medications,
• the support of loving friends,
• my faith in a God who I can trust and who I know loves me,
• spending a couple of hours in the early morning, meditating, journaling, reading, praying,
  
• living to my best ability the kind of life Jesus modelled - which mostly consists of simply loving others,
• finding a purpose worth living for - ie, supporting others who suffer as I have in the past and dispelling the stigma towards mental illness in the church,
• helping others learn about God's love for them.

Totally amazing, isn't it? All things are possible with God.