And I wonder...

I wonder if it's really such a good thing to even think about the possibility of depression returning. Shouldn't we focus on the good stuff? If we keep our eyes on the good stuff - making beauty happen, being thankful for what we have, doing the things that make us grow - we wouldn't even have to think about depression, would we?

The Bible says it well in Philippians 4:6 and 8:

"Do not be anxious about anything...(and some more good stuff)...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

That's where I'm at this morning. Looking up, not even wanting to glance down.

Pressing on

It has been a very long time since I wrote here. Not much has changed since my last post. Guess that's why I haven't written. When I write I like to have words that will encourage and inspire and I've been having a hard time finding those words lately. Safer to just not say anything, eh?

I have good times when I function normally, alternating with times when I'm deep, clinging to negative thoughts. At times I lose hope. After all, this has been going on for three months now.

A series of stressful situations started this, Christmas - as usual - being one of them. But you would think it would let up after all the sources of stress have been resolved. It hasn't happened so far, but I am praying that it will happen soon. Thing is, I have to live my life and think positively, try not to dwell on the negative.

In past years I've always tried to learn from my moods - things that I could pass on to others. By encouraging others, I found I was encouraging myself. I remember sitting on my bed in the psych ward years ago working on Riding the Roller Coaster. I found satisfaction drawing from what I was going through, finding the good in the bad, and sharing it with the many others who I knew would be able to relate. Inspirational writing helped me cope with my own difficulties. That's one reason I've done as well as I have.

Today I don't have a book to work on, but I have this blog. I will try to write more often. I will try to use my writing to find the good in the bad and to share that good with you.

When I talk to my friend, expressing my feeling of shame over the way I've felt and behaved lately, she keeps telling me I need to move on. And I guess she's right. I certainly can't stay stuck here. There are things I've built my life on that require me to be strong. And I want to do those things. I want to help others who struggle with mood disorders. I want to help new Living Room groups form. I want to find the joy again - the holy joy I always feel after my Living Room meetings. I don't want to be a victim; I want to give.

I need to make Philippians 3:12b mine over the next while: "...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." And in verse 13: "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."

I need to think of tomorrow. What can I do tomorrow to bring forward the purpose God gave me to live for - to help erase stigma - to help people with mood disorders?

What good can I find in what I am going through to share with you, my blogging pals? I want you to be blessed by what I have to say and it is my prayer that I will - with the help of God - do so.

I will write more - maybe even today - as I work towards this. I will find the good in the bad. I know God will help me do so. He always has and He will again.

In appreciation

Good morning everyone. It's a fine day here in Vancouver. Looks like the sun will shine on us today. I'm busy getting ready for company tomorrow night. Some friends who are important to me are coming for dinner and games. I've wanted to have them over since before Christmas - looking for an opportunity all this time - and finally it's happening. I'm trying to make everything just right - clean house and good food. Yes!! So looking forward to this!

If you read my last post you will know about my new understanding of what Jesus meant by the kingdom of God and the kingdom of heaven - of this being here, starting today. And I hope this doesn't upset any of you, because I know it's different from what most of us have been taught in Sunday School. But I believe we must listen to what Jesus said and not what people say he said. We need to listen to him first.

This new understanding is making me look differently at the world around me.

I remember clearly what happened when I first became interested in photography. I became very aware of everything, looking for things that would make good pictures. I came to appreciate the world in a different way - looking for beauty everywhere I went.

Yesterday I went for a walk with my husband, thinking about God and his presence with us. And I appreciated the sun and the gardens and the precious time with my husband. And I thanked God for all the good I saw and for the good time with my husband. And I experienced God's kingdom. I experienced a bit of the kingdom of heaven. And I felt full and happy.

It's so important to be aware of what is good and to do what is good and to be grateful. So important to love. There's nothing better for our mental health!

At the age of 42...

The last comment on my last post and my probably-far-too-long response prompts me to explain something that has been of utmost importance in my life.

At the age of 42, after spending most of my life up to that point not believing in God, I decided to give him a try. I was going through a particularly horrendous time with psychosis and thought to myself "What if there IS something to this belief in God that people have? What if God is real? Could he help me? I can't keep hanging on by myself. I'm tired of the struggle and can't do it anymore."

I began researching God in the public library, not ready yet for church. Though I had been brought up in a Christian home, it was as though I knew nothing about God. I had to start from the bottom - this time with an open heart, a heart ready to receive. I found a book by Marjorie Holmes called "Are You There, God?" It sounded like it was written especially for me. I gradually became eager to read the Bible and to spend time alone with God in prayer. Spending this quiet time gave me peace. It comforted me during difficult times. Gradually I also came to understand what Jesus had done for me on the cross and I became a Christian.

Believing in God meant that I could put my trust in him. No need to hang on in fear, using my own inadequate willpower. I had for so long had to stay strong in an effort to survive, in an effort to keep my sanity. Having God meant I could relax my grip, knowing I was no longer alone. God loved me and would take care of me. My life - still very difficult - improved because my faith helped me cope.

My faith gave me a reason for living. It gave my life meaning. It was soon after my conversion that I took up the cause to try to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. I started writing articles and my book, Riding the Roller Coaster. Being open about my disorder and writing about it was healing. It was a big step toward recovery.

Today my battles against stigma have taken on much greater proportions. I have another book, A Firm Place to Stand: Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder, ready for publication. And I've founded Living Room, a faith-based support organization. I'm speaking out more than ever before. This is not always an easy thing to do. Many times I feel overwhelmed and alone in the battle. But then I know I need to remember that it's not my work - it's God's work I'm doing. It's his plans I'm carrying out - plans to make the world a better place; I'm only a foot-soldier.

I trust God to keep me well and strong. God has provided me with a psychiatrist who understands meds well and knows what works best for me. God has brought people into my life who support me with a Christ-like love. God has given me a purpose to live for. He has given me people to care for. My life is in his hands.

And - by following God - good has come out of bad.

Good things about depression

I've had Susan Bernard's post on depression open for days, intending to add some thoughts it stirred up in me. But I've been too lazy to use my head for a while and have - I'm sorry - had to put off blogging for a while. But today is the day I will try to address it.

Susan quotes from a book by Jonathan Zeuss, M.D.:

"Depression is a quest for vision; its essence is transformation. Depression wells up and encompasses us for a time in a state of painful, dream-saturated formlessness, but its true purpose is to provide the opportunity for healing insight, renewal, and reintegration..."

One of my favorite books on depression is New Light on Depression by Harold G. Koenig, M.D. and David B. Biebel, D. Min. Much of the book deals with depression from a Christian perspective. I think it's Biebel who said, "...depression's saving grace is not that it can be conquered but that it puts depressed persons of faith in touch with deeper truths about reality, spirituality, and themselves than might otherwise be known." (Yes, I think I understand more about life than those for whom life has been easier.)

He goes on to say - and this is a little bit of a different positive angle I can really relate to:

"Having one's capacity for serenity and joy restored is little compensation for the agony of despair, much less the 'despair beyond despair.' The only true compensation for depression has to do with the sense of purpose and fulfillment that comes from redemptive involvement with others in distress, sharing the comfort we've experienced. This is the true route to joy."

In my own way, I've found a purpose that I probably would not have had, were it not for my bouts with the effects of bipolar disorder - especially the depression. I've come to think of depression as fodder, something bad out of which good can come. Though I suffer as much as anyone while I'm going through it, I know it will help me to help others. And helping others IS "the true route to joy." It truly is.

Finding meaning

My most recent article about finding meaning in my life with bipolar disorder was published today. I hope you'll take a look. There has been one comment, one I've responded to. The person vehemently disagrees with my efforts to take a positive spin on things. And perhaps you might agree with her. I think there's lots of room for discussion here.

But I have found meaning in life, meaning that I'm not sure I would have found without my disorder.

I was talking to a friend this afternoon who feels similarly about the renal failure she suffered a few years ago. She received a kidney transplant. It didn't take. Then she had another one. Today this tiny lady lives with four kidneys inside her (doctors did not remove the non-functioning ones). Physically she is not strong, but she is happy and has never felt as much at peace.

The thing is, in the midst of these transplants she found God. Her life has changed in an amazing way. This might not have happened if she had not suffered such a crisis.

Something similar happened to me. I began searching for God at a time I felt I could no longer cope on my own with the unbearable feelings my disorder brought on. I needed someone I could lean on to help me through those rough times. This is how I found God. And my life has also changed in an amazing way.

In the article that was published today I missed mentioning this important spiritual life that I have found in my life with bipolar. I wish I'd remembered to do that. But this more complete story, No Longer Alone, is also online. It was published in May. I would love if you would read it.

I would be interested to hear your comments on this positive look at living with bipolar disorder. Am I being far too positive (in your opinion)?

Enough of that!

Enough talk about negative things that might be happening to my mood! I can't let a post like that stand alone, so I will talk about some neat things: things happening with our Living Room support group.

We have three members in our group who are keen about facilitating, each with a set of wonderful gifts. I'm excited about that - happy about that. Two have now received training from the Mood Disorders Association of BC. The other will take the next workshop when it comes up.

On August 10th I won't be able to be at the meeting, but one of these people will stand in for me, doing the devotional. A while back she wrote an inspiring story. She will read that story and use it as the basis for a discussion. The other two leaders will facilitate and help out with the lunch. Living Room will be in good hands.

The person who will do the devotional is eager to learn how to put more of them together and present them. This is neat. It's not something everyone would be interested in. Not only that. She would like to one day start her own group closer to where she lives. There is a need in the west part of Vancouver.

Tomorrow or the next day I will report on tomorrow's meeting. (I can hardly wait for it.) We're doing a session about sleeping problems. I will share with you something that might help, if getting to sleep is a problem you have.

Now - do I sound depressed? I don't think so.