Thursday, October 26, 2006

I could cry

I've been so stable lately, so cool, calm, and collected. But right now I feel like I could cry.

You may remember I had two accidents recently, all within a month. In the last one, my car was severely smashed - almost totalled. Today I was close to getting into another accident, and it was my fault. Ever since my last accident, my driving has felt sloppy. I have trouble focusing. I don't know if I should be driving any more. I could kill someone or be killed.

And I'm thinking about how my life would change if I were without a car. It's depressing to consider that. I know I have a husband who drives, but our lives are so separate from each other. He would not want to have to drive me around to all the things I do. I can't imagine a life without the independence my car gives me. Wow!!

I could cry.

And tomorrow is a meeting of our Living Room support group. I was so looking forward to it - still am. There are quite a few people who have called and I'm eager to meet them - eager to lead a good meeting. I need to pray. I need to strengthen up and put these worries aside - at least for a while.

Next week I will visit my GP and describe what has been happening to my thinking lately - the narrowness of my focus - losing track of time because I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Is this a sign of a mind growing old? But I'm only 60!!! My husband says that I've just been preoccupied lately. But that's no excuse.

A good cry would be good right around now.

Please pray for Living Room tomorrow. Pray that I will get over the shock of this near-accident and place my attention on what I so love to do - to support people with mood disorders and help them grasp how great God's love for them is.


Sarah said...

you know, we always havea tendency to think car accidents are our fault and all t hat b ut MAN were vancouevr drivers CRA-ZY.

and the bus system and the skytrain are REAL GOOD. i miss the skytrain, i miss the bus and i kinda love not having to drive anyway.

hey i do hope everything will be GREAT in Living Room. I could use a support group like that, i definately could!!!!!!! And I can't think of anyone better than you to lead it!!

Anonymous said...

I live in Vancouver too, and i agree with Sarah. The drivers here are really dumb. Yesterday it felt like everyone was speeding everywhere! I used to have my own car and then when i got married, we couldn't afford to have 2 cars. So i've been taking the Skytrain and bus to work. It has been so relieving. I never have to worry about being late. It is very easy to find out how to get where you want to go. And it gives me an opportunity to think upon God before work.

In regards to car accidents.. i just want to let you know, a few years ago i was in 2 car accidents in the same month as well, and they were almost identical. Now whenever i'm in the car, me driving, or anyone for that matter, i'm tense. I constantly worry that i'm going to get into another accident. To this day it remains a big problem. I can understand where you're coming from but recognize that the devil wants you to be overwhelmed by this.

I will pray that everything goes well with Living Room tomorrow. God has given you a special gift to arrange and offer that kind of support to others. It is not a role just anyone could fill. But you can, he CHOSE you to fill it, Marja, and he will give you the words. Now matter how you think it goes, essentially it is God who wins the hearts and teaches others.

I am praying that God will bring peace to you tonight.

marja said...

Thank you sarah and anonymous. I have a feeling we must know each other, anonymous, because of what you said. Please know that your words touched me deeply. You encouraged me so much that I got busy and did some baking instead of moping. Thank you for your prayers.

I know God will be with us tomorrow. In spite of my low feelings right now, I am still eager for the meeting. Thank God for all the wonderful encouragement I'm getting from my friends and even people I don't know.

Bleeding Heart said...

Hi Marja - I am so sorry for your sorrow. I could only imagine what you are feeling.

Don't feel that it was your fault. Sometimes we need to rest, to take a break, be creative, and smell the roses.

Hey - sometimes I don't feel all that focused when I am driving and I am 40!

Hang in there.

Idea Magnet said...

I was in a rollover accident two years ago. I'm lucky to say I walked away from it with nothing but a bruise. That day we immediately went out and bought a new car and I immediately started driving again.

I suffered from PTSD for a while having images of dirt flying my face while flipping over. Plus I was terrified when the road was wet or had snow on it. I was afraid I was going to go out of conrtol again.

But I never gave up driving.

Sometimes I have really bad anxiety (from my disorder not the accident) and have trouble driving and feel like you do.

You just have to focus on something else instead of thinking about the accident (or getting into another one) while driving.

Good luck to you.