Saturday, July 04, 2009

Is this the "normal" me?

First of all I'd like to thank Susan, Paula and Tart for your best wishes while I went on a little holiday. Didn't get them until I got back, but it was nice to come home to that, knowing you were thinking of me.

I want to write about how much better I'm feeling, but think it would be best if I simply copy here an email I sent to some friends letting them know:

"Helen, shortly before we left on our holiday I wrote this to you: "Helen, I don't know what's normal for me anymore. I've been abnormal for so long that I can't figure out who I'm supposed to be."

Wes and I had a wonderful time away. A good time together. It has been a long time since I've felt as good as I have lately. This started in the days before our trip (when I wrote the above) and was especially so while we were in the Chilcotin. I woke up each morning with the old familiar feeling of joy and gratitude for my life. I feel so much more alive than I have for a long time. I feel motivated and strong. And I know this is the work of God in me, the result of a lot of prayer. I want to thank you so very much for your prayers. It's amazing how God works.

When I woke up each morning with my heart dancing within me I suspected I might be getting manic. I asked Wes how I seemed to him but he told me that I've simply become the old Marja again - enthusiastic and very alive. So this is who I'm really supposed to be? So this is what's normal? If that's so, that person has been "lost" for a very long time. But neat how God helped me not to suffer too too much. I was able to function most of the time - though not as well as I should have - but I also went into the depths many times.

Several weeks ago I wondered how I would be different once I emerge from these episodes. Because you can't go through this stuff without changing somehow. I've always found it that way. That's why - after it's all over - I never regret having gone through it. When you're in the pit you can't think of anything except that you want to die. Yet I DO come out of it and God refines me through the experience. I do believe God has a purpose for all I go through. Today I'm so much better equipped to help people like S.... I so know the feeling of riding a roller coaster, helpless to make it stop. That feeling of hopelessness. Hard as it is, I need these experiences now and then if I'm to do the work God has given me to do. I only hope he'll give me a rest from them for a while now. I need to have a chance to work. I need to be capable of strength for awhile.

While we were away I read about David's life in 1st and 2nd Samuel and I read the Psalms (esp meditated a lot on Psalm 18:20-24 in the Message). And I prayed that I could be like David - to have that kind of courage and fearless trust in God. It's something I'm working on."

Boy, do I ever need to visit all your blogs and catch up to how you're doing. I'm so sorry that I haven't been feeling up to it. I haven't been able to put too much in my life lately. Hope I will do better now.


Anonymous said...

Hi Marja,

I totally get what you are saying because I often think it myself. You may also enjoy Henri Nouwen's book "The Inner Voice of Love". It's available at/through Chapters for about $17.

I hope we can have a visit soon!

K. in WR

marja said...

Hi K. Good to hear from you. I may look into getting that Nouwen book. I really like him and am in the process of book shopping online this very afternoon.

Hope you are well.

sbwrites said...

Dear Marja,
So glad to hear that you're back and feeling so well! What a relief, isn't it? And I know what it's like to come out of something and feel like you're totally renewed...have become the person you used to be...but more...


marja said...

Thank you, Susan. Good to have a friend who understands the feeling.

Though I'm still not sure whether I'm hypomanic or simply joyous and grateful for the recovery. It's hard to tell the difference.