First of all, thanks to all of you: Jim, Paula, Dream, Nancie, and Jena for your comments on my last post. Looks like the topic of waiting is a good one for all of us to think a bit about.
Amazingly we had a big snow storm here in the Vancouver area. Huge snow flakes falling thick and fast...and we're almost into April! With all that snow I expected we would get a smaller turnout to Living Room than usual. It was sticking to the grass and to the trees, but fortunately the roads remained bare. Yet I made only 30 cups of coffee this time instead of the usual 36. That was not a good decision because we ended up with a record turnout of 22 people. They just kept coming. We had to make the table bigger to accommodate everyone and, even then, we were packed together pretty cozily. (We push 5 very long tables together to make one huge one, so we can all sit together.)
We ran out of coffee, we ran out of hot water, we ran out of cold water, and we ran out of meat and veggies. Yet there was plenty other stuff left to eat and I don't think anyone went hungry. Wonderful Cob's buns and Cob's apricot bread. Tilamook cheese, fudge brownies, and lots of other stuff. Such fun to get these lunches together!
After introducing the "waiting" topic (see my last post) and after everyone thinking about it for a while, making notes on their paper, we opened it up for discussion. One member eagerly shared what she was waiting for and amazed us with her story. Although everything we discuss is confidential, I'm not mentioning any names here. You have no idea who this person is, so I think it will be alright to share this with you:
Her family has been renting the same house for forteen years, their kind landlord never raising the rent during that time. Now he's selling the house and they may have to move to more expensive accommodation, which they can't afford, or to a much smaller place which would be cramped for them. But this person's take on it was this, and I'll try to remember what she said:
"I'm excited, looking forward to see what God has in store for us. We may have to move to a two-bedroom apartment or something, but if we do we'll get triple high bunkbeds or something. But I know everything will work out. I trust what God will do for us, He's always come through in the past. God is good. It will all work out."
This person's faith and trust in God was something to behold. I felt as though we didn't need to go any further with the discussion. But we did, and many people joined in, something I was very happy about. I think we all managed to encourage each other very well. What we realized was that the important thing when we wait is to keep praying and to partner with God in bringing about a good end to the wait. We don't just wait for God to do for us. By praying we are encouraged to do have the right attitudes and the courage to live our lives in such a way that we can wait with patience and trust.
There was a happy, joyful atmosphere through the whole meeting. Lots of laughter. Lots of support for each other. Living Room is a wonderful thing. I'm so grateful for it.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Waiting games
Living Room tomorrow. Yes!!! I'm so looking forward to it - so looking forward to seeing who all will be there. Will some people who haven't been for a while surprise me?
Our devotional will be about waiting. All our life seems to be filled with a long series of waiting games, doesn't it? As a child we waited to grow to adulthood. We wait for our first car. We wait to be able to pay off the car. ...and on it goes.
We will list some of the things we are waiting for and what the waiting feels like. Are we waiting expectantly, excitedly, or - in cases of illness or depression - with a sense of hopelessness? Are we able to wait patiently? What does it mean to be patient?
One of my favorite psalms is Psalm 40:1-3. I start my new book with this:
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit; out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Unfortunately, being patient and hopeful is pretty difficult during times of depression. It's the nature of depression to take away hope. And we often don't feel God's presence at times like that either, so it becomes hard to trust Him. Fear takes over.
It's good at times like that to have a friend who has a strong faith, a friend who would have faith for us, who will show God's love to us. If we can sense God's love through another person it will be easier to hang on and to be comforted and encouraged.
As we wait for things, we need to keep praying...though I know that this can be difficult in cases of depression. But we should try to pray realizing that - in the end - it is God's will that will be done. Instead of forcing our own will, we submit to God's. We need to do what we can, emboldened by our prayers, but then we put what we are waiting for in God's hands. That's where trust and patience come from.
If we can wait in that way - prayerfully doing what we can and leaving the rest to God - we will be transformed, as the Psalm above describes so well. It happened to Abraham (waiting for the son God had promised him), Moses (waiting to deliver the Israelites from Egypt), David (fleeing King Saul's army for ten to thirteen years), and Jesus himself (in the wilderness resisting the temptation of the devil).
...those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)
I do hope we get a bit of a discussion going around this theme tomorrow.
Our devotional will be about waiting. All our life seems to be filled with a long series of waiting games, doesn't it? As a child we waited to grow to adulthood. We wait for our first car. We wait to be able to pay off the car. ...and on it goes.
We will list some of the things we are waiting for and what the waiting feels like. Are we waiting expectantly, excitedly, or - in cases of illness or depression - with a sense of hopelessness? Are we able to wait patiently? What does it mean to be patient?
One of my favorite psalms is Psalm 40:1-3. I start my new book with this:
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit; out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Unfortunately, being patient and hopeful is pretty difficult during times of depression. It's the nature of depression to take away hope. And we often don't feel God's presence at times like that either, so it becomes hard to trust Him. Fear takes over.
It's good at times like that to have a friend who has a strong faith, a friend who would have faith for us, who will show God's love to us. If we can sense God's love through another person it will be easier to hang on and to be comforted and encouraged.
As we wait for things, we need to keep praying...though I know that this can be difficult in cases of depression. But we should try to pray realizing that - in the end - it is God's will that will be done. Instead of forcing our own will, we submit to God's. We need to do what we can, emboldened by our prayers, but then we put what we are waiting for in God's hands. That's where trust and patience come from.
If we can wait in that way - prayerfully doing what we can and leaving the rest to God - we will be transformed, as the Psalm above describes so well. It happened to Abraham (waiting for the son God had promised him), Moses (waiting to deliver the Israelites from Egypt), David (fleeing King Saul's army for ten to thirteen years), and Jesus himself (in the wilderness resisting the temptation of the devil).
...those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)
I do hope we get a bit of a discussion going around this theme tomorrow.
Monday, March 24, 2008
It's not what we want
We came back from our holiday on the Oregon Coast last night. Had a great time: walking on the beach and on the park trails and doing lots of reading...and thinking. So good how being away helps give you a fresh perspective on life and on the things you want to do. I hope to have more of these get-aways in a couple of months when the weather is better. The weather for us wasn't great, but we did see the sun a bit and even sat outside in our chairs a couple of times, enjoying the fresh air.
One book I've been enjoying very much is Philip Yancey's Prayer. I had read most of this book about a year ago but became overwhelmed. Amazing how much Yancey finds to talk about on one topic. Recently I started again at the beginning, this time doing the reading in small bites. It's a lot easier to digest that way.
One neat thing I read that had a big impact on me was how prayer is not necessarily answered as we envision. In the end it's God's will, not our will, that will be done. Even Jesus, when he prayed at Gethsemane prayed "Your will be done" at the end of his struggle with God, asking God for a way out of the crucifixion that awaited him. It's a submission to God's will.
Yancey said, "In the end, I learn that God has ordained prayer as a means of getting God's will done on earth, not ours. Yes, God hears and responds to my requests. Yes, God somehow incorporates those requests into a plan of action on earth. But as many martyrs have learned, including God's own Son as well as Christians in the persecuted church today, we do not always get what we earnestly desire."
Yancey quotes Eugene Peterson: "Praying most often doesn't get us what we want but what God wants, something quite at variance with what we conceive to be in our best interests."
But we need to continue praying. We need to keep the relationship with God a close one by praying often. It's in that way that we will learn to discern what his will is and we can do our part in bringing that about. For...as Yancey continues discussing further in his book, we are partners with God. "God does very little on earth without the likes of you and us."
For me, prayer helps me find direction for my life and my work. Prayer has helped me find courage to do things that used to scare me.
Today I'm praying that my publisher will decide to publish my new book. I have done all I can to try to make that happen. But if it doesn't, I will just have to accept that it wasn't God's will for them to do it. I pray, waiting with expectation, but also in a state of surrender. It's in God's hands now.
One book I've been enjoying very much is Philip Yancey's Prayer. I had read most of this book about a year ago but became overwhelmed. Amazing how much Yancey finds to talk about on one topic. Recently I started again at the beginning, this time doing the reading in small bites. It's a lot easier to digest that way.
One neat thing I read that had a big impact on me was how prayer is not necessarily answered as we envision. In the end it's God's will, not our will, that will be done. Even Jesus, when he prayed at Gethsemane prayed "Your will be done" at the end of his struggle with God, asking God for a way out of the crucifixion that awaited him. It's a submission to God's will.
Yancey said, "In the end, I learn that God has ordained prayer as a means of getting God's will done on earth, not ours. Yes, God hears and responds to my requests. Yes, God somehow incorporates those requests into a plan of action on earth. But as many martyrs have learned, including God's own Son as well as Christians in the persecuted church today, we do not always get what we earnestly desire."
Yancey quotes Eugene Peterson: "Praying most often doesn't get us what we want but what God wants, something quite at variance with what we conceive to be in our best interests."
But we need to continue praying. We need to keep the relationship with God a close one by praying often. It's in that way that we will learn to discern what his will is and we can do our part in bringing that about. For...as Yancey continues discussing further in his book, we are partners with God. "God does very little on earth without the likes of you and us."
For me, prayer helps me find direction for my life and my work. Prayer has helped me find courage to do things that used to scare me.
Today I'm praying that my publisher will decide to publish my new book. I have done all I can to try to make that happen. But if it doesn't, I will just have to accept that it wasn't God's will for them to do it. I pray, waiting with expectation, but also in a state of surrender. It's in God's hands now.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Freedom and love
When I think back to my Living Room devotional on Friday, I can see that I must have confused some issues. I was trying to talk about the importance of love in our lives - both receiving and giving love - and how those can help us cope with depression. But somehow I brought freedom into the discussion - sort of jumped to it in an illogical way.
Pastor Don today talked about the freedom Christ's dying on the cross has made possible for us. I'd like to share some of his thoughts with you. I will share this post with my Living Room gang, hopefully unconfusing them a bit...hopefully giving my blogging pals and Living Room pals some Easter-timely inspiration.
A portion of Pastor Don's message - though not in the order he presented it: "We all serve something or someone and we all choose who we serve. If we serve only ourselves we'll soon find ourselves in bondage, subject to the culture around us that invades our life, slaves to materialism and to everything around us that calls for our attention. The paradox of the Christian life is that we find the greatest freedom in service to God. We only live truly as free people when we live our lives not for ourselves but for God and his purposes."
And from last Sunday's sermon: "When you begin to live to be the kind of person God intended you to be, you experience freedom."
And here is where my love topic comes in: God intends us to be people who live out of love for God and love for each other.
"For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole Law can be summed up in this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Galatians 5: 13-14
And what gives us that kind of freedom? Accepting that Jesus died for us on the cross and becoming his follower. He gave himself as a sacrifice, a payment for our freedom from captivity to sin and all that hurts us. Pastor Don said that if we can understand the cost of this sacrifice we will understand the great value we are to God.
You are a person of great value and worth to God. He loves you in a huge way, more than you could ever imagine.
This will be my last post for a week or so. We're off to the Oregon Coast for a holiday. Time to relax. YES!!!
Pastor Don today talked about the freedom Christ's dying on the cross has made possible for us. I'd like to share some of his thoughts with you. I will share this post with my Living Room gang, hopefully unconfusing them a bit...hopefully giving my blogging pals and Living Room pals some Easter-timely inspiration.
A portion of Pastor Don's message - though not in the order he presented it: "We all serve something or someone and we all choose who we serve. If we serve only ourselves we'll soon find ourselves in bondage, subject to the culture around us that invades our life, slaves to materialism and to everything around us that calls for our attention. The paradox of the Christian life is that we find the greatest freedom in service to God. We only live truly as free people when we live our lives not for ourselves but for God and his purposes."
And from last Sunday's sermon: "When you begin to live to be the kind of person God intended you to be, you experience freedom."
And here is where my love topic comes in: God intends us to be people who live out of love for God and love for each other.
"For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole Law can be summed up in this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Galatians 5: 13-14
And what gives us that kind of freedom? Accepting that Jesus died for us on the cross and becoming his follower. He gave himself as a sacrifice, a payment for our freedom from captivity to sin and all that hurts us. Pastor Don said that if we can understand the cost of this sacrifice we will understand the great value we are to God.
You are a person of great value and worth to God. He loves you in a huge way, more than you could ever imagine.
This will be my last post for a week or so. We're off to the Oregon Coast for a holiday. Time to relax. YES!!!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Good times
I'm feeling amazingly uplifted, ready to tackle my housework today, something I'm never very good at. Is it the Living Room meeting yesterday that put me into this good mood? I wouldn't be surprised. Those meetings always do wonders for me - in a magical sort of way.
We had a smaller turnout yesterday than we've had in past months - only twelve of us. I was a bit frustrated that we couldn't get a better discussion going around finding meaning in the midst of pain. I thought it was such a good topic, but everyone was so quiet. Is this such a foreign topic to most people that they haven't thought about this before? Am I alone in thinking along these lines?
Glad that my son and his wife are coming for dinner tonight. Glad that we're going to the Oregon Coast for a little holiday next week (hope the weather is good). Glad spring is coming. Glad my mood is up. I feel a freedom - an ambition to do some of the many things I've been putting off. Energetic. Thank you, God!
This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!
We had a smaller turnout yesterday than we've had in past months - only twelve of us. I was a bit frustrated that we couldn't get a better discussion going around finding meaning in the midst of pain. I thought it was such a good topic, but everyone was so quiet. Is this such a foreign topic to most people that they haven't thought about this before? Am I alone in thinking along these lines?
Glad that my son and his wife are coming for dinner tonight. Glad that we're going to the Oregon Coast for a little holiday next week (hope the weather is good). Glad spring is coming. Glad my mood is up. I feel a freedom - an ambition to do some of the many things I've been putting off. Energetic. Thank you, God!
This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Puttering along
First of all, I want to thank all of you who commented on my last post. Sorry I'm so long getting back to my blogging and responding to you. Why is it so hard sometimes to get down to it? Why does life have to be so complex sometimes? - actually, most of the time.
In a week and a half I'll be seeing my psychiatrist. I'm thinking of what I'll be telling him when I fill him in on the three months since I last saw him and I can see life HAS been very complex for me: helping my mother-in-law live her last days (and all that needs to be done when someone dies), my tv appearance (resulting in contacts from people far and wide), my best friend leaving town for two months (resulting in high anxiety and threat of depression), giving support to a suicidal friend, and large turnouts to Living Room meetings. Many mood altering events.
I don't have anything wise to say today. Just want to ramble a bit. Just need to talk about a bunch of nothings.
One thing I do want to tell you is that my publisher has promised to look at my book proposal by the end of this week. I'm scared. What if they decide it's not suitable for their list? I'm running out of options.
A Firm Place to Stand: Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder is a much richer book than Riding the Roller Coaster. It was written by a more spiritually mature me. I wrote it to help Christians understand that it's possible to be a faithful Christian and yet have a mental illness. I wrote it to help Christians understand better so they could learn how to be supportive. I wrote it to dispel some of the stigma in the Christian community.
A Firm Place to Stand is important in the work I'm doing. If you are a person who prays, please pray that my publisher will make a favorable decision.
I got up at 3:30 this morning. Could not sleep any more. Nothing bothering me, I just want to get going on the day. I have lots to do in preparation for Living Room tomorrow. Buy some groceries for lunch, photocopy the handouts, call some of the members, go for a workout, clean a very messy house, answer some emails, blog. But this is a day I'm looking forward to. Tomorrow is a day I'm looking forward to. I have some neat stuff to bring to the table for discussion: "How do you find meaning when you're in pain?" and "How can we prepare for the depressions that we know will invariably return?"
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
(This is something I start the day with when I'm high. But no, I'm not high today.)
In a week and a half I'll be seeing my psychiatrist. I'm thinking of what I'll be telling him when I fill him in on the three months since I last saw him and I can see life HAS been very complex for me: helping my mother-in-law live her last days (and all that needs to be done when someone dies), my tv appearance (resulting in contacts from people far and wide), my best friend leaving town for two months (resulting in high anxiety and threat of depression), giving support to a suicidal friend, and large turnouts to Living Room meetings. Many mood altering events.
I don't have anything wise to say today. Just want to ramble a bit. Just need to talk about a bunch of nothings.
One thing I do want to tell you is that my publisher has promised to look at my book proposal by the end of this week. I'm scared. What if they decide it's not suitable for their list? I'm running out of options.
A Firm Place to Stand: Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder is a much richer book than Riding the Roller Coaster. It was written by a more spiritually mature me. I wrote it to help Christians understand that it's possible to be a faithful Christian and yet have a mental illness. I wrote it to help Christians understand better so they could learn how to be supportive. I wrote it to dispel some of the stigma in the Christian community.
A Firm Place to Stand is important in the work I'm doing. If you are a person who prays, please pray that my publisher will make a favorable decision.
I got up at 3:30 this morning. Could not sleep any more. Nothing bothering me, I just want to get going on the day. I have lots to do in preparation for Living Room tomorrow. Buy some groceries for lunch, photocopy the handouts, call some of the members, go for a workout, clean a very messy house, answer some emails, blog. But this is a day I'm looking forward to. Tomorrow is a day I'm looking forward to. I have some neat stuff to bring to the table for discussion: "How do you find meaning when you're in pain?" and "How can we prepare for the depressions that we know will invariably return?"
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
(This is something I start the day with when I'm high. But no, I'm not high today.)
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Love and depression
Did I ever have a flu! One like I haven't had in years! I was too sick to sit at the computer, but had plenty of time to think. One thought I had repeatedly was, "At least I'm not depressed." Very few things are as bad as depression, don't you think? At least I knew the flu would be over soon. Depression takes away hope and you wonder if you'll ever come out of it. Today I'm still weak and my stomach is still queasy, but I'm strong enough to blog. So glad about that!
I want to continue the thoughts I posed in my last post: What makes some people choose life over death when they're severely depressed? Had lots of time to analyze that - mostly drawing from my own experience.
In New Light on Depression, Harold Koenig writes how we need a supportive ally who will say, "I love you, and there's nothing you could do or say that would change that. I am with you now, and I'll be with you as long as you need me. I believe in you. I know that your depression has placed a great chasm between the person you really are and the person you feel you are. But I will try to help you bridge that gap with love - mine and God's - for he loves you and believes in you too. We three are in this together - you, me, and God. And when this is over, together we'll find a way to use the pain to help others."
One thing Koenig said that has always resonated with me is that "Love - unconditional love - is the ultimate long-term antidote for depression, for at its core love is connected with faith and hope."
I always read this unconditional love to mean the love we receive from God and others. However, I'm seeing more and more how it's even more important to give love to others. A friend from Living Room, as well as Merelyme in her comment on the last post, have told me how the love they have for their family and friends keeps them from taking drastic action when they're severely depressed.
And when we're giving of ourselves in love to others, we tend not to become depressed as easily. We tend to overcome the threat of depression and work our way out of it more effectively. When we concern ourselves with the needs of others, our own needs are not as great. As we think about others we don't think as much about ourselves. We know we're needed and it feels good to be needed. How could we possibly end our lives knowing that?
I truly believe that sharing God's unconditional love with others is the very best long-term antidote to depression.
I want to continue the thoughts I posed in my last post: What makes some people choose life over death when they're severely depressed? Had lots of time to analyze that - mostly drawing from my own experience.
In New Light on Depression, Harold Koenig writes how we need a supportive ally who will say, "I love you, and there's nothing you could do or say that would change that. I am with you now, and I'll be with you as long as you need me. I believe in you. I know that your depression has placed a great chasm between the person you really are and the person you feel you are. But I will try to help you bridge that gap with love - mine and God's - for he loves you and believes in you too. We three are in this together - you, me, and God. And when this is over, together we'll find a way to use the pain to help others."
One thing Koenig said that has always resonated with me is that "Love - unconditional love - is the ultimate long-term antidote for depression, for at its core love is connected with faith and hope."
I always read this unconditional love to mean the love we receive from God and others. However, I'm seeing more and more how it's even more important to give love to others. A friend from Living Room, as well as Merelyme in her comment on the last post, have told me how the love they have for their family and friends keeps them from taking drastic action when they're severely depressed.
And when we're giving of ourselves in love to others, we tend not to become depressed as easily. We tend to overcome the threat of depression and work our way out of it more effectively. When we concern ourselves with the needs of others, our own needs are not as great. As we think about others we don't think as much about ourselves. We know we're needed and it feels good to be needed. How could we possibly end our lives knowing that?
I truly believe that sharing God's unconditional love with others is the very best long-term antidote to depression.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Meaning in the midst of suffering
I have been thinking of why some people who have depression decide they want to die and then take the drastic action to commit suicide. Others with depression - though suffering - choose to live, no matter how dark their life has become. What's the difference? How can we persuade those who want to die that life is worth living? How can we persuade them to choose life, not death? How can we help them find meaning in life?
In 1946, as a result of his experiences as an inmate in a concentration camp, Viktor Frankl wrote a book called Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl concludes from his experience that a prisoner's psychological reactions are not solely the result of the conditions of his life, but also from the freedom of choice he always has even in severe suffering. The inner hold a prisoner has on his spiritual self relies on having a faith in the future, and that once a prisoner loses that faith, he is doomed.
Frankl quotes Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."
We who live with the highs and lows of bipolar disorder can learn from this. We know that we're going to hit depressions. Depression is for us unavoidable. What we need to do is to create a life for ourselves that is meaningful. During the times we're well we can build purpose into our lives, purpose that will be so important to us that we will hang on to the hope it gives, even during times of depression. We can choose to create a life for ourselves that will be so rewarding that we would not want to lose it, no matter how difficult the struggle becomes.
Personally, I have found meaning in facilitating Living Room, my faith-based support group for people with mood disorders. Now when I get depressed, I try to learn from what I'm going through so that I can share insights with members of the group. Even the bad stuff has value in it, though it may at the time be difficult to see. I know that this is God's work I'm doing and I have faith that he will help me do it, even when things get tough.
Everyone has gifts they can use to create a rich life for themselves, one they would never want to give up. But we have to work on building that kind of life while we are well.
In 1946, as a result of his experiences as an inmate in a concentration camp, Viktor Frankl wrote a book called Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl concludes from his experience that a prisoner's psychological reactions are not solely the result of the conditions of his life, but also from the freedom of choice he always has even in severe suffering. The inner hold a prisoner has on his spiritual self relies on having a faith in the future, and that once a prisoner loses that faith, he is doomed.
Frankl quotes Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."
We who live with the highs and lows of bipolar disorder can learn from this. We know that we're going to hit depressions. Depression is for us unavoidable. What we need to do is to create a life for ourselves that is meaningful. During the times we're well we can build purpose into our lives, purpose that will be so important to us that we will hang on to the hope it gives, even during times of depression. We can choose to create a life for ourselves that will be so rewarding that we would not want to lose it, no matter how difficult the struggle becomes.
Personally, I have found meaning in facilitating Living Room, my faith-based support group for people with mood disorders. Now when I get depressed, I try to learn from what I'm going through so that I can share insights with members of the group. Even the bad stuff has value in it, though it may at the time be difficult to see. I know that this is God's work I'm doing and I have faith that he will help me do it, even when things get tough.
Everyone has gifts they can use to create a rich life for themselves, one they would never want to give up. But we have to work on building that kind of life while we are well.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Sacred space at times of depression
Susan of Bipolar Wellness has spoken a number of times about how she needs friends around her who will be with her when she's depressed, understanding that she may not want to - or be able to - talk much. I also feel that is the best kind of support a friend can offer. With the help of author Peter Scazzero, I've come to think of that quiet space between friends as "sacred space."
In his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Scazzero talks about how we need to recognize the uniqueness and separateness of other people and how true relationships "can only exist between two people willing to connect across their differences." And how true this is when one person is depressed and the other isn't! What a gulf there is between us at times like this! How can we bridge that gulf? How can we connect?
When I've been with friends who are depressed, I find the best way to be with them is to talk little, but to allow for lots of quiet time. We have gone for walks and I encourage them to talk about how they're feeling and respond a bit. But I allow for a comfortable quietness as well. That's the kind of presence I long for from my friends as well, when I'm depressed.
Scazzero writes, "When genuine love is released in a relationship, God's presence is manifest. The separate space between us becomes sacred space." When a friend will spend such comfortable quiet times with me, she cuts through the isolation I feel. What's more, a beautiful intimacy develops between us. And I sense God's presence.
In his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Scazzero talks about how we need to recognize the uniqueness and separateness of other people and how true relationships "can only exist between two people willing to connect across their differences." And how true this is when one person is depressed and the other isn't! What a gulf there is between us at times like this! How can we bridge that gulf? How can we connect?
When I've been with friends who are depressed, I find the best way to be with them is to talk little, but to allow for lots of quiet time. We have gone for walks and I encourage them to talk about how they're feeling and respond a bit. But I allow for a comfortable quietness as well. That's the kind of presence I long for from my friends as well, when I'm depressed.
Scazzero writes, "When genuine love is released in a relationship, God's presence is manifest. The separate space between us becomes sacred space." When a friend will spend such comfortable quiet times with me, she cuts through the isolation I feel. What's more, a beautiful intimacy develops between us. And I sense God's presence.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
A lonely place
Depression is a lonely place to be. The loneliness and disconnectedness we feel must be the worst part of it. We long for someone to reach us through that wall we have around us. We long for love to touch us and bring us out. We long to sense God's presence. We know God loves us, but we can't feel it. We are cold and alone. In limbo.
What can we do to re-connect? How can we find help?
At times like this I long for a call from a friend. I long to hear that someone is thinking of me and praying for me. I long to know that someone cares. That would, I think, in a small way break through the isolation I feel. That would, in a small way, cut through the wall and help me feel some warmth.
I need a friend who will listen to me and just be with me for a while, without making me feel bad about being the way I am. I need a friend who will not tire of sticking with me as I work my way out of the hole I'm in. I need a friend who will love me, no matter how ugly I feel. I need someone I can count on. I need someone who will remind me that God is there.
What can we do to re-connect? How can we find help?
At times like this I long for a call from a friend. I long to hear that someone is thinking of me and praying for me. I long to know that someone cares. That would, I think, in a small way break through the isolation I feel. That would, in a small way, cut through the wall and help me feel some warmth.
I need a friend who will listen to me and just be with me for a while, without making me feel bad about being the way I am. I need a friend who will not tire of sticking with me as I work my way out of the hole I'm in. I need a friend who will love me, no matter how ugly I feel. I need someone I can count on. I need someone who will remind me that God is there.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Surreal
It has been a few weeks since my mother-in-law died. Looking back on those last three weeks we spent with her seems surreal - a most uncommon time. I am glad we were able to spend her last days with her but, looking back, it wasn't easy.
I remember the weird feeling I had when I saw her slippers standing beside her bed when I knew she wouldn't be able to walk in them anymore. I remember how everything about her died, a little at a time: not being able to get up on her own anymore, not able to sit without getting dizzy; not able to eat solids - and then not able to swallow even the pureed foods. Her sight gradually went; her ability to speak and be understood left her; and gradually she fell into a sleep from which she didn't awake. We watched all this happen little by little. We let her go little by little. That was probably a good way for it to happen. Lots of time to let her know we loved her - too much to leave her alone at a time like that.
Boxes of her stuff are piled, untouched since the day we cleaned out her room. I need to get at them; I need to clean up. But it's hard to get started. It's hard for me to discipline myself to do anything that really "needs" to be done. We still have stacks of papers that need to be attended to as well. They've been piling up since we started staying at the home with Mom. There are unpaid bills hiding in there. I've been reading lots and spending time with friends, but it's hard to get motivated on the clean-up jobs.
And every time I walk through the room where we have Mom's stuff piled, I see the afghan that I covered myself with when I slept in the room with her during those last weeks. It brings me back to that surreal time.
I remember the weird feeling I had when I saw her slippers standing beside her bed when I knew she wouldn't be able to walk in them anymore. I remember how everything about her died, a little at a time: not being able to get up on her own anymore, not able to sit without getting dizzy; not able to eat solids - and then not able to swallow even the pureed foods. Her sight gradually went; her ability to speak and be understood left her; and gradually she fell into a sleep from which she didn't awake. We watched all this happen little by little. We let her go little by little. That was probably a good way for it to happen. Lots of time to let her know we loved her - too much to leave her alone at a time like that.
Boxes of her stuff are piled, untouched since the day we cleaned out her room. I need to get at them; I need to clean up. But it's hard to get started. It's hard for me to discipline myself to do anything that really "needs" to be done. We still have stacks of papers that need to be attended to as well. They've been piling up since we started staying at the home with Mom. There are unpaid bills hiding in there. I've been reading lots and spending time with friends, but it's hard to get motivated on the clean-up jobs.
And every time I walk through the room where we have Mom's stuff piled, I see the afghan that I covered myself with when I slept in the room with her during those last weeks. It brings me back to that surreal time.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
The joy of "Living Room"
In her blog, Nancie talks about the joy CH Spurgeon's wife, Susannah Thompson, found in her ministry. A semi-invalid, confined to her home, she found something she could do to benefit others - something that benefited herself as well. Please check out her story as told by Nancie on her "Believer's encouragement blog".
I've often talked about Living Room here, and I will continue to talk much about Living Room. This support group for people with mood disorders which I founded and facilitate is an important part of my life. My experience with this ministry is similar to Susannah Thompson's experience with her ministry. It brings me great joy and is benefiting others as it benefits me.
At our group we start with lunch, then we have a devotional time. I draw the devotional from my own experience with struggles...and with joy as well. I talk about how God can work in our lives with mood disorder. Most importantly, we have a discussion surrounding this to see how this is true in the lives of the others around the table.
We have been having large numbers out to the meetings lately - twenty-two at the last meeting. So after the devotional time, we split into four smaller groups and have a sharing time. Members then have a chance to talk about how life is going for them. It's good for them to have a safe place like this to talk - and to find out that they're not alone in their struggles. We end the meeting by praying for each individual.
No matter what I'm going through, I find things I can bring to my devotionals to encourage others. This is God's gift to me. Through the trials I experience, and by staying close to God, I can find something helpful to pass along.
I often pray that God will fill me with his love and help me share that love with others. And he always answers that prayer. The best and most important thing I do at Living Room is to pass along this compassionate love to others. And what a joy that brings me! After almost every Living Room session I go home feeling great joy. It is an overflowing, but quiet joy. I've come to refer to it as holy joy.
Living Room is good for me and I know it's good for the participants as well. Unfortunately, this month there will be three weeks between meetings. I'll miss it. There are things I'm struggling with - sadness and anxiety. It would be good if I could have a devotional to pour myself into right now, in the process finding out what I can learn through dealing with it - finding what God has to teach me through this. But maybe I could blog about it instead. Maybe we could have an online Living Room!
If you think you might like to start a Living Room group in your church, do check out its website: www.livingroomsupport.org.
I've often talked about Living Room here, and I will continue to talk much about Living Room. This support group for people with mood disorders which I founded and facilitate is an important part of my life. My experience with this ministry is similar to Susannah Thompson's experience with her ministry. It brings me great joy and is benefiting others as it benefits me.
At our group we start with lunch, then we have a devotional time. I draw the devotional from my own experience with struggles...and with joy as well. I talk about how God can work in our lives with mood disorder. Most importantly, we have a discussion surrounding this to see how this is true in the lives of the others around the table.
We have been having large numbers out to the meetings lately - twenty-two at the last meeting. So after the devotional time, we split into four smaller groups and have a sharing time. Members then have a chance to talk about how life is going for them. It's good for them to have a safe place like this to talk - and to find out that they're not alone in their struggles. We end the meeting by praying for each individual.
No matter what I'm going through, I find things I can bring to my devotionals to encourage others. This is God's gift to me. Through the trials I experience, and by staying close to God, I can find something helpful to pass along.
I often pray that God will fill me with his love and help me share that love with others. And he always answers that prayer. The best and most important thing I do at Living Room is to pass along this compassionate love to others. And what a joy that brings me! After almost every Living Room session I go home feeling great joy. It is an overflowing, but quiet joy. I've come to refer to it as holy joy.
Living Room is good for me and I know it's good for the participants as well. Unfortunately, this month there will be three weeks between meetings. I'll miss it. There are things I'm struggling with - sadness and anxiety. It would be good if I could have a devotional to pour myself into right now, in the process finding out what I can learn through dealing with it - finding what God has to teach me through this. But maybe I could blog about it instead. Maybe we could have an online Living Room!
If you think you might like to start a Living Room group in your church, do check out its website: www.livingroomsupport.org.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Enlarging your soul through grief and loss
Merelyme has opened a topic on her blog about suffering. This is a topic I also like to talk about, because I've suffered a lot of pain due to my bipolar disorder, and yet I know I've grown much through this pain as well. I don't like the suffering and do everything I can to not go through it, and yet I know that each time I do I come out richer at the end.
Yes, I did want to talk about this growth I've experienced through my suffering. And yet, I think I'm going to do an about face here and talk instead about the pain I've been feeling as a result of the loss of my mother-in-law and knowing that I'll be without my friend for two months. This is probably a different kind of pain than the pain we experience from illness. Yet grief can lead to depression, even more so for people who suffer from mood disorders already. It can be a trigger for a mood swing.
I, along with others in my church, have been studying a book by Peter Scazzero, called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. This book teaches how it's impossible to be spiritually mature, while remaining emotionally immature. Part of being emotionally mature is that when we go through the pain of grief and loss (as we all do) we should not try to cover it up. We need to feel it; we need to go through the process of dealing with it. Many try to numb the pain by denial, minimizing, blaming others or themselves, rationalizing, addictions and avoidance. (I don't want to go into the details of each of these. You'll need to read the book.) The thing is, we need to embrace the pain when it comes.
Scazzero says, "Loss marks the place where self-knowledge and powerful transformation happen - if we have the courage to participate fully in the process." He illustrates this, using the story of Job.
I think the loss of my friend for two months has actually hit me harder than the loss of my mother-in-law. I'm much too attached to this friend. I tell her everything; she is a soul-mate. So having her far away for so long will be painful. She has done this before and it put me into a deep depression. The difference that time, though, was that I felt shame for feeling so badly about her leaving; I felt guilty for missing her so much. I felt there was something wrong with me. This time, I've told her that I'm not going to feel ashamed of my feelings. I have every right to feel badly when someone I love so much is gone for so long. This time I faced the pain; I embraced the pain. And I was on the edge of depression once more.
But, as Scazzero's book and my pastor Don have pointed out, feeling broken does not mean I'm emotionally immature. Wholeness can be found, not by eradicating the brokenness but by finding wholeness in the middle of brokenness. As I've shown in a previous post, I've actually come to understand God's love more as a result of the pain of the past two weeks. I've come to understand the great pain he feels over us. To love much means to hurt much. And God loves us more than we could ever understand. Over the past couple of weeks I've come to feel more secure within the love of God. My soul has been enlarged. On Sunday Pastor Don said, "We are transformed by surrendering to God's love." And I did; and I was. And I am pretty sure I've now escaped the threat of depression.
I am now drawing most of my comfort from being there for friends who are in trouble. Eugene Peterson's version of 2 Corintians 1:4 in the Message says, " He (God) comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." Coming alongside others is healing. It leads to wholeness.
Yes, I did want to talk about this growth I've experienced through my suffering. And yet, I think I'm going to do an about face here and talk instead about the pain I've been feeling as a result of the loss of my mother-in-law and knowing that I'll be without my friend for two months. This is probably a different kind of pain than the pain we experience from illness. Yet grief can lead to depression, even more so for people who suffer from mood disorders already. It can be a trigger for a mood swing.
I, along with others in my church, have been studying a book by Peter Scazzero, called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. This book teaches how it's impossible to be spiritually mature, while remaining emotionally immature. Part of being emotionally mature is that when we go through the pain of grief and loss (as we all do) we should not try to cover it up. We need to feel it; we need to go through the process of dealing with it. Many try to numb the pain by denial, minimizing, blaming others or themselves, rationalizing, addictions and avoidance. (I don't want to go into the details of each of these. You'll need to read the book.) The thing is, we need to embrace the pain when it comes.
Scazzero says, "Loss marks the place where self-knowledge and powerful transformation happen - if we have the courage to participate fully in the process." He illustrates this, using the story of Job.
I think the loss of my friend for two months has actually hit me harder than the loss of my mother-in-law. I'm much too attached to this friend. I tell her everything; she is a soul-mate. So having her far away for so long will be painful. She has done this before and it put me into a deep depression. The difference that time, though, was that I felt shame for feeling so badly about her leaving; I felt guilty for missing her so much. I felt there was something wrong with me. This time, I've told her that I'm not going to feel ashamed of my feelings. I have every right to feel badly when someone I love so much is gone for so long. This time I faced the pain; I embraced the pain. And I was on the edge of depression once more.
But, as Scazzero's book and my pastor Don have pointed out, feeling broken does not mean I'm emotionally immature. Wholeness can be found, not by eradicating the brokenness but by finding wholeness in the middle of brokenness. As I've shown in a previous post, I've actually come to understand God's love more as a result of the pain of the past two weeks. I've come to understand the great pain he feels over us. To love much means to hurt much. And God loves us more than we could ever understand. Over the past couple of weeks I've come to feel more secure within the love of God. My soul has been enlarged. On Sunday Pastor Don said, "We are transformed by surrendering to God's love." And I did; and I was. And I am pretty sure I've now escaped the threat of depression.
I am now drawing most of my comfort from being there for friends who are in trouble. Eugene Peterson's version of 2 Corintians 1:4 in the Message says, " He (God) comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." Coming alongside others is healing. It leads to wholeness.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
The wounded healer
The Catholic theologian Henri Nouwen believed that our wounds can be a source of healing for others. Not only do they help us to become compassionate, but they humble us. As we work toward healing in our own lives, we can help bring healing to others.
I'm finding that so true for myself. Over the past week, as I was battling anxiety and depression, I worked on a devotional to bring to Living Room. The topic was "Coping with our Pain." As I worked through my own pain, I found ways of helping others with their pain. I searched for healing and, through the pain I felt as I listened to last Sunday's sermon, I gained a new level of understanding of what God's love is like. This encouraged me and yesterday I did my best to pass on my understanding to members of the group. (a whopping 22 attendees yesterday - Wow!)
But in the evening, with it all behind me, I did not feel the usual joy I feel after Living Room. My depression was more severe and, what's more, I had nothing I could do with it. In anguish I emailed my friend. I'm not one to isolate during depression. I have a huge need to reach out - to grab something that will keep me from sinking. Talking with her helped.
This morning I had a good quiet time with reflection and prayer. I decided I need to do my best to help others deal with their emotional pain, in the process finding healing for myself - always keeping God's great love uppermost in my mind and heart - always sharing that love with others. I will be getting together with a few Living Room people over the next while, sharing with them, encouraging them as I encourage myself. We can encourage each other.
Henri Nouwen wrote a book called the Wounded Healer. Think I'll pick up a copy soon. It sounds like something that might encourage me - something that will help me remember I can do worthwhile things with my pain.
I'm finding that so true for myself. Over the past week, as I was battling anxiety and depression, I worked on a devotional to bring to Living Room. The topic was "Coping with our Pain." As I worked through my own pain, I found ways of helping others with their pain. I searched for healing and, through the pain I felt as I listened to last Sunday's sermon, I gained a new level of understanding of what God's love is like. This encouraged me and yesterday I did my best to pass on my understanding to members of the group. (a whopping 22 attendees yesterday - Wow!)
But in the evening, with it all behind me, I did not feel the usual joy I feel after Living Room. My depression was more severe and, what's more, I had nothing I could do with it. In anguish I emailed my friend. I'm not one to isolate during depression. I have a huge need to reach out - to grab something that will keep me from sinking. Talking with her helped.
This morning I had a good quiet time with reflection and prayer. I decided I need to do my best to help others deal with their emotional pain, in the process finding healing for myself - always keeping God's great love uppermost in my mind and heart - always sharing that love with others. I will be getting together with a few Living Room people over the next while, sharing with them, encouraging them as I encourage myself. We can encourage each other.
Henri Nouwen wrote a book called the Wounded Healer. Think I'll pick up a copy soon. It sounds like something that might encourage me - something that will help me remember I can do worthwhile things with my pain.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Abandonment issues
This is a piece I wrote for my new book, A Firm Place to Stand. I dedicate this post to A Voice in the Matrix, someone who knows what a feeling of abandonment is like - someone who recognizes that Christ understands, because He's been there.
My Ultimate Source of Support
…God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)
My worst moments are occasional feelings of abandonment. I usually experience these at night. I have a sense of doom, a chilly emptiness. There is nothing to hold on to. No hugs are tight enough to take away my sense of disconnectedness. I’m filled with a huge sense of insecurity. I cannot sleep.
I don’t know where these feelings come from. Are they part of my bipolar disorder, or are they the result of multiple separations from family due to illness and hospital stays when I was young? Could they be Satan’s work? But the cause doesn’t really matter, does it? All I know is that at times such as these I need to go to my Bible. I need to pray. I need Jesus.
Some of the worst suffering Jesus endured was the sense of abandonment he felt in the
I can’t fathom how horrifying it must have been to deal with abandonment in the face of having wrists and feet nailed to a cross and being left to die a slow, excruciating death. I’m sure the cross would not have been as painful had he known there were friends below, expressing love and concern. But his friends deserted him. The people for whom he was dying mocked and ridiculed him. “He saved others, but he can’t save himself!...Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him!” (Matthew 27:42) Eventually he was even abandoned by his Father in heaven. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) he cried.
When I’m in pain, I have Christ I to go to. Jesus did not have a Christ to turn to. He had to deal with the agony of the cross on his own, without friends and, for a time, even without God. He bore the weight entirely alone.
His great love for us made Jesus willing to walk to the cross. Love allowed him to endure the torture. Even as he hung there, wracked by physical pain, loneliness and humiliation – all because of us! – he begged his heavenly Father to forgive us: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34) he prayed. He went through all of this because he knew we would then have everlasting life. Because of his sacrifice, I don’t have to suffer as much as I otherwise would.
When I need to talk to someone and no one is home, or when phone lines are busy, Jesus is always there, waiting for me. When I feel I’ve been deserted, I search my Bible and pray, and Jesus hears my cries. I can pour out my heart to him, and he fully understands.
I cover myself warmly, lay my head on the pillow and sleep peacefully once more. I know that I’m taken care of.
Thank you, Jesus!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
A sadness wrapped in love
When I was looking after Mom I looked often at this picture which hung on her wall. I had photographed these cosmos flowers a few years ago in the rain and the water droplets make me think of tears. It's kind of a sad picture, but it's beautiful as well. There is a beauty in some sadness, don't you think?I think that sadness that is wrapped in love is a beautiful thing, because love is beautiful. And love comes from God. To lack that sadness would not be beautiful at all. There is a kind of gentle richness - a bittersweetness - when someone has lived a long life and then closes that life. There was a bittersweetness about spending those last weeks with Mom, hearing her last precious words. One thing she expressed a lot was her gratitude to my husband and I and to others for looking after her at that time. I'm so glad we were able to do that.
There is also a kind of beauty in the sadness I feel surrounding my friend going away for two months. This, too, is a sadness clothed in love. And if you love deeply, you hurt deeply.
All of you, my blogging pals, have been amazingly supportive. I thank you very much for that. You've all - each in a bit of a different way - helped me deal with things.
Jim: Thank you for reminding me that suffering will bring transformation.
Anne: Yes, I just need to go through the pain because doing that it is a road to emotional wholeness. (My therapist looks like she's going to be a good one. She believes she can help me with some of the feelings of anxiety I have surrounding my friend being gone for so long.)
Susan: I'm so glad you are here and for your ability to relate to me.
Nancie: I am learning to understand God's love on a new level and that's exciting.
Cathy: We have new things we can talk about, don't we? Hope to see you and to share a big hug at Living Room this Friday.
And Merelyme: I just got your response as I was writing this post. Thank you for missing me. I've got to get back to your blog - and everyone else's real soon. I love my blogging family of friends.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Blogging to heal
Ohh, do I ever need to blog - to share with you some of the stuff I'm going through! But first I need to thank all of you who were so kind in sending your condolences when my mom-in-law died. I truly appreciated your thoughts.
I coped fine with everything until the day after the funeral. Then I found out that my best friend will be away for the months of March and April. This is someone I love very much, a kindred spirit, someone I talk to almost every day....and yes, someone I'm probably far too attached to. For the past few days I've spent much of my time in tears.
I guess spending most of three weeks at my mother-in-law's bedside as she lay dying took a toll on me, even though I thought I was handling it okay. Now my emotions are raw. I don't know what I'm most sad about, my mom-in-law's death or my friend's leaving. Can't distinguish. I just feel terribly sad.
I guess this is what grief is. Now I just hope that this grief does not turn into depression. I can't get depressed, especially while the support of my good friend is not here for me. Especially when there is so much I need to do. I'm going to do my darndest to not get depressed. Tomorrow I'm seeing a counselor, someone I've never seen before. I hope she'll be able to help me. I hope I'll like her. I hope she's good.
The sermon at church today was about love. One thing Pastor Don talked about was how great the love of God is. He talked about the "scandalous love of a father", the father of the prodigal son. The father welcomes the son back so eagerly, even running to meet him - something grown men at that time never did. (running would mean having to lift your clothing and showing your bare legs!) In spite of how the son had turned his back on him, the father threw an extravagant party for him. How much that father loved him and how it must have hurt him when this son first left! How he must have missed this son! The father in the story is meant to portray God and gives a good picture of just how great God's love for us is.
And when I think of the terrible pain I'm feeling right now, I can see the pain God must feel when he loses one of us. God understands the kind of pain I'm feeling now.
I coped fine with everything until the day after the funeral. Then I found out that my best friend will be away for the months of March and April. This is someone I love very much, a kindred spirit, someone I talk to almost every day....and yes, someone I'm probably far too attached to. For the past few days I've spent much of my time in tears.
I guess spending most of three weeks at my mother-in-law's bedside as she lay dying took a toll on me, even though I thought I was handling it okay. Now my emotions are raw. I don't know what I'm most sad about, my mom-in-law's death or my friend's leaving. Can't distinguish. I just feel terribly sad.
I guess this is what grief is. Now I just hope that this grief does not turn into depression. I can't get depressed, especially while the support of my good friend is not here for me. Especially when there is so much I need to do. I'm going to do my darndest to not get depressed. Tomorrow I'm seeing a counselor, someone I've never seen before. I hope she'll be able to help me. I hope I'll like her. I hope she's good.
The sermon at church today was about love. One thing Pastor Don talked about was how great the love of God is. He talked about the "scandalous love of a father", the father of the prodigal son. The father welcomes the son back so eagerly, even running to meet him - something grown men at that time never did. (running would mean having to lift your clothing and showing your bare legs!) In spite of how the son had turned his back on him, the father threw an extravagant party for him. How much that father loved him and how it must have hurt him when this son first left! How he must have missed this son! The father in the story is meant to portray God and gives a good picture of just how great God's love for us is.
And when I think of the terrible pain I'm feeling right now, I can see the pain God must feel when he loses one of us. God understands the kind of pain I'm feeling now.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
The end of a long life
I want to thank everyone who has been thinking and praying for my mother-in-law and for my husband and I as we looked after her. On Wednesday she passed away, safe in the arms of Jesus. We are relieved and had prayed that God would take her. Over the last few days she was no longer responding and truly ready to go.
My husband and I spent most of the past three weeks close by her side. I found out what it's like to live in a care facility, spending many nights sleeping in a cot in her room and eating there. Tabor Home was a good place to die. Mom was loved and respected by all the staff and they truly showed her their love as they cared for her. It was like dying at home. We're very thankful for the care she received.
The funeral arrangements have all been made, everyone has been notified, and now my husband is preparing the eulogy. During the open mike session at the reception I also plan to say some things. I want to say how thoughtful Mother was of other people, even as she lay dying. Several times she reminded me to call her sister-in-law to see how she was doing in her fight with cancer. She had me buy a 90th birthday card for her sister and dictated a note for me to write, explaining how things were for her and saying goodbye. When another resident who had not been well came into the room, she asked her if she was feeling better. Although she had a hard time speaking, she said several times, "I just want to thank everybody." This was a lady who was completely other-centered - a grateful lady. She was an inspiration for all whose lives she touched. And now, at the age of 96, only a few weeks after her last quilting session, she is at peace. She will be missed by the many people who loved her.
Soon my life will be back on track. I have much to do. Many emails have come in response to my TV interview and I need to get to answering them. There is interest in starting other Living Room groups and interest in finding churches that are supportive to people with mental illness. Much work to do. I look forward to the challenge and very much want to promote church support in whatever way I can. I will need to do more writing; I will need to have an info session for church leaders and a workshop for new facilitators.
I thank God that I am well. I thank God for allowing me to have spent Mother's last weeks by her side, knowing that I did all I could for her. And I pray that he will be with me as I go on to the next chapter of my life.
My husband and I spent most of the past three weeks close by her side. I found out what it's like to live in a care facility, spending many nights sleeping in a cot in her room and eating there. Tabor Home was a good place to die. Mom was loved and respected by all the staff and they truly showed her their love as they cared for her. It was like dying at home. We're very thankful for the care she received.
The funeral arrangements have all been made, everyone has been notified, and now my husband is preparing the eulogy. During the open mike session at the reception I also plan to say some things. I want to say how thoughtful Mother was of other people, even as she lay dying. Several times she reminded me to call her sister-in-law to see how she was doing in her fight with cancer. She had me buy a 90th birthday card for her sister and dictated a note for me to write, explaining how things were for her and saying goodbye. When another resident who had not been well came into the room, she asked her if she was feeling better. Although she had a hard time speaking, she said several times, "I just want to thank everybody." This was a lady who was completely other-centered - a grateful lady. She was an inspiration for all whose lives she touched. And now, at the age of 96, only a few weeks after her last quilting session, she is at peace. She will be missed by the many people who loved her.
Soon my life will be back on track. I have much to do. Many emails have come in response to my TV interview and I need to get to answering them. There is interest in starting other Living Room groups and interest in finding churches that are supportive to people with mental illness. Much work to do. I look forward to the challenge and very much want to promote church support in whatever way I can. I will need to do more writing; I will need to have an info session for church leaders and a workshop for new facilitators.
I thank God that I am well. I thank God for allowing me to have spent Mother's last weeks by her side, knowing that I did all I could for her. And I pray that he will be with me as I go on to the next chapter of my life.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Time out
Hi everyone: Looks like I'll have to take a break from posting again. Mom ended up on the floor, climbing over the railing - amazing she can do that in her very weak state. So I'm heading out to stay with her overnight again. Don't know for how long this will be.
A complication: My husband is sick and not in any state to sleep in a cold motorhome. It's very much winter out here with lots of snow. So I'll stay on my own.
Did any of you see 100 Huntley Street? They did a wonderful job of putting the Living Room story together. I'm very happy with it. It can be viewed online at www.crossroads.ca. The story starts about 8 minutes into the program. Hope you'll all try to see it.
A complication: My husband is sick and not in any state to sleep in a cold motorhome. It's very much winter out here with lots of snow. So I'll stay on my own.
Did any of you see 100 Huntley Street? They did a wonderful job of putting the Living Room story together. I'm very happy with it. It can be viewed online at www.crossroads.ca. The story starts about 8 minutes into the program. Hope you'll all try to see it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
100 Huntley Street schedule change!!!
I got a call from 100 Huntley Street today telling me that they'd made a mistake telling me when my interview would be aired. It's going to be on tomorrow morning (not Thursday) on Global TV in Canada - 9 a.m. here in British Columbia. If you can't catch the show on TV you can view it online at http://www.crossroads.ca/broadcas/program.htm
The reporter spent an entire day with me interviewing me, taping a session of Living Room, and interviewing my pastor and a couple of members of the group. This program should give you a good idea of what Living Room is all about. I do hope you'll be able to watch it.
The reporter spent an entire day with me interviewing me, taping a session of Living Room, and interviewing my pastor and a couple of members of the group. This program should give you a good idea of what Living Room is all about. I do hope you'll be able to watch it.
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