Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Walking a tightrope

My moods continue to go up and down. And when I feel ok, it's as though I'm walking a tightrope, trying to maintain my balance so I don't fall one way or another.

Amazing how many symptoms there are to watch out for. And each time one of those symptoms shows itself, I have to put a different coping mechanism into place, read a different psalm, pray a different prayer.

There are the lonely feelings, the poor eating, overwhelmed feelings where I can't see how I can possibly manage doing the many things I need to do, unable to organize a list. Little things seem like big things. I've even had moments thinking I couldn't go on. Thank God those moments have been brief ones.

Not having my husband home makes all this more difficult. I'm not into a good routine, eat at odd times or don't eat at all. Eat weird stuff, not the kind of meals I'd have if he were home.

Being alone for such long periods makes it easy to sit for long uninterrupted periods in thought, unaware that I'm doing it. This thinking has often signalled problems for me. When it happens I need to remember Rudyard Kipling's line in his poem If. "If you can think but don't make thoughts your aim." When that line comes to mind I make the effort to "do" something. So important to stay active. The more I sit in thought, the more likely I'm going to get drawn down into depression. I wouldn't call myself depressed right now, but I am doing battle with many ways. The Psalms are a good companion right now. Psalm 18, 91, and 40 have been very meaningful to me in the past while.

I'm preparing for Living Room on Friday. Also preparing for the Into the Light: Transforming Mental Health in Canada conference coming up this Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Living Room will have a poster presentation to make there. I'll have an opportunity to interact with conference attendees and tell them about it.

I will have to walk my tightrope well. Do all the right things. Stay well.


Twila said...

LOL I tried to make a comment but lost it when I needed to create an account. Hello Marja I hope you are having a good day. I want to share something with you and your readers (I will intro myself later where I'm supposed to hehe) I dont go onto facebook much and have never been on a blog so bare with me please. :)I am going to cut and paste what I put on my facebook today.
I dont know how to add something permanantly to my page without it just going down to the bottom of my screen and then gone. I will see if someone can tell me how to do that. I want to share something with those who are close to me. I went to bed at 4 am which is usual for me, and woke at 7 am. Life is not a competition about who has the more tramatic story to tell. Life is about listening to other people's stories and not comparing them to mine in any way, whether negatively or positively. I realized through my dreams and took with me when I awoke was that "its not all about me, it's about everyone". That "IT" can be anything that applies to your personal situation. I realized that although my story is filled with hurt and fear, so is everyone else's. I just thought the need to share that with you. I never come on facebook unless it's to grab a pic her and there but I felt God wanted me to share that with any who want to hear. My prayer for today is: No matter what else you do in your life, remember to tell your story. While it may not seem important to you, it is important to those who hear.

marja said...

Welcome to my blog, Twila,

You're so absolutely right! The stories we tell are not all about me, it's about everyone. But when we tell our stories people will feel they're not alone. They'll know they're not the only ones who experience fear and pain. So, in telling our stories, we're helping others. It's so valuable to tell our stories.

I feel it's the same with blogging. When we express our feelings and talk about what we're doing battle with, others will read and realize they're not alone. When we share how we're coping with things and where we're finding hope, others will also be encouraged to find hope as well.

Writing is so important. And I'm glad you're writing, Twila.

Love, marja

shawnalyne said...

Will pray for you on Friday ;)

Wellness Writer said...

Dear Marja,
I hope you realize that you always feel this way when Wes isn't home. Maybe you can look at other posts you've written, which would confirm this.

In the past, if I remember correctly, it makes you feel better if you can spend time with friends.

I know that one of the signs of depression is to feel overwhelmed, and that things are piling up.

What I do is to try and list the things that I "have" to do as opposed to the optional things that might be nice to do, but I just can't.

These days, when I feel depressed, I also allow myself to do less and feel that it's okay.

And, although my husband doesn't travel without me, if I were in your shoes, I would make a point to see friends or go to church or do things where you're with people at least once a day.

What I do know--at least for me--is that order is really important. It's important to have a plan every day--whether I accomplish it or not. It's important to plan to eat well--whether I accomplish it or not. It's important to do laundry and small things that I feel I can accomplish.

For me, it's also important to be outdoors. And, it's most important to connect with others.

Feel better my friend!


More Than Conquerors said...

Dear Marja,

I am remembering you in prayers regularly. You are beloved of the Lord and very precious to Him. You are very dear and loved by many of us too. May God showers His love and many kindness upon you daily as you wait upon Him.

With hugs and love,

marja said...

Thank you for your prayers, Shawnalyne. The Living Room meeting went beautifully. God really made his presence felt. I feel totally blessed and thankful for the time we had.

marja said...

Hi Susan, Thank you for the reminders. I am doing all those things: giving myself permission to do less, getting together with friends, getting outside - and when it's too wet - sitting with my SAD lamp. Yes, I'm employing all the coping techniques I can and I'm not doing too badly.

...and yet, I'm walking a tightrope, having to be so careful to keep my balance.

Tonight I'm feeling wonderful. Our Living Room meeting was a huge blessing. We really felt God's presence as we shared what Psalms were meaningful to us at various times in our life. A couple of people even started singing. It was great. Yes my spirit is up tonight. Now I'm just sitting with a glass of wine feeling good about it all.

Tonight will be my own. Maybe some reading, maybe some sudoku puzzles, maybe even some blogging :o)

Love you, Susan, for your caring spirit.

marja said...

Thank you so much for your prayers, Nancie. You are a true soulmate. You know exactly what it is to walk a tightrope, clinging in whatever way you can to God. I'm learning over and over again, that I can't do it by myself. I need to trust in God completely. Yet it can be so easy to forget to do that.

Praying for you too, my sister in Christ.