One day at a time

I had such a wonderful day yesterday. I started the day off baking my first batch of cookies. That energized me. Smelling the Christmassy spices emanating from my oven motivated me to do other things. My husband helped me wash all the dishes that had been collecting. It felt so good to feel well enough to do that. I carried on later in the day tidying the messy dining area, something I had previously felt powerless to tackle.

I felt so happy, so freed from the prison-like state I have been in for so long. Got lots of things done. Felt like Christmas could now really begin for me.

In the afternoon I called my good friend who has been such wonderful support for me. I was all excited and happy about how my mood had turned around. But I was disappointed that she did not share in my happiness in the way I had hoped. She warned me to take one day at a time, realizing that these breaks from the depression have happened before, only to have the depression return again.

These last couple of months have been like that. Periods of non-motivation, even getting to the point at times of not wanting to go on. Then I escape and am able to function normally again, only to dip down again a few days later. A real roller coaster ride this has been.

I've learned though, that I need to have a manageable focus in place. One important thing to work towards at a time, not worrying about the rest. This week it's the Living Room Christmas party. One of our members offered to cook us a turkey. The rest of the dinner will be supplied by the others. I think it will be a good time.

I've also remembered to make a list of things to do for each day, setting manageable goals. This is something I've always advocated yet have somehow forgotten to do lately. Yesterday I managed to achieve all my goals. Truly a wonderful feeling to have done that.

I awoke this morning not feeling quite as wonderful as I did yesterday. But I have set my goals for today and will work on those, doing instead of thinking. (It's the ruminating - the thinking without doing - that gets me into a lot of trouble.)

And I will remember to live, knowing that God is my stronghold. With Him everything is possible, including the ability to prepare well for Christmas - to be happy - to smile - to love.

Wired

I feel wired this morning. Had only one cup of caffeine and that did it for me. Why? I can usually drink three big mugs before that happens. I don't like this feeling. It's not the kind of peace I wish for in the early morning.

I had a good day yesterday. Felt good motivation. Yesterday followed on the heels of a wonderful Sunday: a spirit filled church service, a visit with Mom, and turkey dinner at a friend's house. Sunday was healing for me.

I pray that today will be a good day. Have been praying a lot this morning. Just wish I could feel more at peace. Wish my mood could be more stable.

Mom is not doing well at all and I know a lot of my unsettled feelings come from my concern about her. She's still in the hospital and I need to visit her often, though it's hard. She's so far away. We found out that she had a heart attack. She must also have had some small strokes. Her ability to remember things are zilch. When we tell her something, she forgets one minute later. I'm not exaggerating. She asks the same questions over and over. We answer and a minute later she asks the same question again. Today she will get an assessment to see what level of care she'll need. I pray we will find a good way of having her looked after.

So...yesterday I felt motivated. This morning it's an effort getting going. Perhaps a good workout at Curves will help...if I could just get myself dressed.

But now I must move. I must put one foot in front of the other.

"This is the day the Lord has made..."

Weird...

It's weird. I'm not depressed at all, yet I'm finding it so hard to get moving on the many things I need to do. I've had emails that need to be read and that need responses sitting here for days and I'm not getting to them. It just feels like too much. So many things I need to do, yet all I seem to want to do is retreat and read and read....and I'm not even getting around to doing much of that.

I haven't been visiting all your blogs either. Not that I don't want to. It's just that I have so much on my plate...and I'm having trouble picking up my fork and digging in. Don't know what it is. I'm frozen.

Guess it's time to make a list. Maybe I should buy some good chocolate and reward myself for each little thing I do. That would be a good plan, don't you think?...some good, healthy, dark chocolate. Yes!!!

A new lease

Wow! I'm feeling so much better now that the holidays are over. The pressure is off. I still have a lot of things I need to do and want to do, but I feel good about them - I look forward to doing them. Nothing needs to be done in a rush. An amazing thing mood is. What a difference it can make to your enjoyment of life.

Yesterday I saw my gp because I needed a new prescription for my thyroid medication. He asked me whether I had been stable. When I told him I'd been struggling, he decided to up my thyroid medication a bit. It turns out that my last blood test showed I was a little up in whatever it is (don't understand it all) and that there is a possibility that my recent mood disturbances might have been affected by this. There is a belief that bipolar disorder is linked with thyroid problems though no one knows yet why this is. Interesting, isn't it?

I spent this morning planning some menus for the next while and a good long shopping list to go with it. So long since I've done that. I've been lazy about cooking. Good to get organized about it. I find the most difficult thing about preparing meals is deciding what to cook. If I have some good solid plans in place, it's much easier to get myself motivated. Lists of all kinds are such good motivators.

I'll be doing some housekeeping to this site over the next while. As you've probably noticed, my blogroll is terribly out of date and many of you who visit me regularly and who I visit regularly are not even on it. This is because I just don't know how to program this stuff in and have to rely on my son to do it for me. He will be doing this soon now. I've tried to get him to show me how to do it but - so far - he hasn't trusted me with it. Says that if I make a mistake I could do damage to my site.

Must now get moving on this day. "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Good to be feeling so content and motivated again!

A new day

Although the last couple of days were a struggle, today began well and continues going well. I had my company and we had a good time talking about our lives. She did her cross-stitching while I knitted a dishcloth. There is something very natural and comfortable about two women visiting while doing handwork...more relaxing than sitting across from each other with nothing to do but talk. Later her husband and my husband joined us for lunch.

It may seem weird to say, but we are so fortunate to have a new day open up to us after each night of sleep. A new opportunity to start afresh. A rested body and mind - a healthier mental state.

Last night - such a short time ago - I was terribly tired and miserable. I meditated on Jesus' words from Matthew 11:28. I bathed my mind in the words: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdend, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." After some time, I did feel rested. And with this rest came peace of mind.

And now, as we near the end of the day, I am thankful to have felt so normal - so undepressed. I am thankful for my time with friends and the energy to be a good hostess.

Today's visitor provided me with another candle. Tomorrow I light another one. My mother is coming to spend a couple of nights with us. It will be stressful but I will try to make the time an enjoyable one for her. I'll try to relax.

At peace

Living Room was wonderful yesterday - fifteen in attendance, including Vicki Rogers, Educational Director for the Mood Disorders Association of BC. She told us about MDA's interesting history - an inspiring story. I told my story about how lighting my metaphorical candle is helping me cope with my depression. This led to some discussion, though I always wish for more discussion than we end up with. Makes me think: do I talk too much? After the break, some worked on creating collages while the rest of us had our usual talk session.

My candle - which was the process of preparing for Living Room - did remain lit since I wrote my last post. It gave me a feeling of peace and the quiet energy and motivation I needed. Thank God for Living Room!

I know I have depression, though I'm not sad or "in the dumps." I only feel tired and tend to sit for long periods thinking and thinking. This makes it hard to get motivated to do the things I need to do.

But I have lit another candle. I've invited a friend who needs a break from home to come next Wednesday morning, bringing her needlework. While she works on that, I'll knit a dishcloth. It will be a fine visiting time with someone I'd like to get to know better. I'm aiming at making lunch for her as well. By the light of this candle I will prepare, cleaning the house a little at a time. It's good to have things to look forward to.