Leaving for awhile

Just want to let you know that my husband and I will be off on a holiday for the next three weeks, so I won't be online.

My son and his wife and I were talking last night about what blogging should be. And, I'm sorry I haven't done very well at it lately. Not only haven't I posted; I haven't been visiting other people's blogs. I'm so very sorry! Don't know what's happened to me. Just haven't been able to focus on it. Too much off-line stuff in my life, I guess.

And yet, I know how important it is to keep those on-line ties. They were so important to me at one time. I made so many friends. And I know the blogging ties would still be important to me if I would just keep them up.

Ughh!! Sometimes I wish I had several lives that I could live: child photographer, Living Room organizer, peer counselor, writer, good wife, and fantastic blogger.

Maybe I should quit the blogging altogether. Maybe Facebook would work better for me at this stage of my life.

...thinking...

Representing God

A few days ago someone told me about a friend with a mental illness who had lost her faith in God because she had been rejected at church.

How that upset and angered me! How sad that is!

Why would Christians be so unloving? Don't they remember that it's Christ they're supposed to be following? Jesus, God on Earth, the One who showed us what love truly is.

God loves us through people. If we are Christians we are called to be God's representatives. Do we represent Him well?

In his book Soul Cravings, Erwin McManus talks about the level of trust we need to be able to have with others who are part of an authentic community - which the church should be. He said, "Honesty is the only context in which intimacy can develop." We need to be able to be honest with God's people, all of us recognizing that each of us is a flawed human being. "It makes it easier for me to remember that God will never reject me because I'm not good enough and that any community that has His heart will embrace me as I am. Jesus invites us into a community where imperfect people can find acceptance, love, forgiveness, and a new beginning."

If every church community could only be like this! Welcoming honest sharing. Welcoming people, though they might be different. Reaching out to people who need to be reminded that God loves them.

Good Friday, five years ago

I sent the following to Living Room facilitators and would-be facilitators, as well as Living Room supporters. Thought it would be good to share here as well. Never know how many would-be facilitators might be out there.

Happy Easter to you all!

My thoughts have been turning back lately to the Good Friday exactly five years ago when Pastor Don invited me to read a bit from my not-yet-published A Firm Place to Stand. With the reading I shared some of the emotional battles I had faced and how I could see that Jesus fully understood those battles. In a different way, He had faced similar battles. He fully understood my pain. What comfort that gave me! It's so important to be understood, isn't it? And then to be able to share that pain with God, the greatest Comforter of all!

After that reading, three people came up to me to tell me their story of pain. They could relate to me too!! And they found comfort in knowing that I was a "safe" person to talk to. Neat what happens when you share your personal emotional battles. It gives others permission to share their own battles as well.

And that's the beauty of our Living Room groups. That's what we do at Living Room.

I was amazed how good it felt to have those three people be so honest with me. What a privilege it is to have someone share in that way with you! As I wrote in my book, I felt a lot like Patch Adams did in the movie when he found out he could connect so well with the people in the mental hospital where he himself was a patient. "I connected to another human being!" Like Patch Adams, I found out that I too reallly wanted to listen to people and learn about them. I wanted to help them with their troubles. And I wanted to do more of that. I wanted people with mental disorders to have the freedom to talk about their problems in a Christian setting - safely. This is how the idea for Living Room germinated.

I gave a speech yesterday for the Reformed Church's Eirana Support Service's organization. Afterwards, a man who told me he struggled with depression came to talk to me. He told me how he would like to be part of a Living Room group but did not feel he could facilitate. Yet he also told me how he was sitting on a park bench awhile back when a person - out of the blue - told him her life story and her struggles. He told me how good it made him feel. Without knowing it, he was doing Living Room work. In my estimation, he's a person who could facilitate.

Yet I know how scary it can feel. I was scared as well before I started my group the first time. Could I do the work?

But I came to think of it as what it really is. It's not my work at all. It's God's work. All I have to do is to be His feet and hands. All I have to do is follow Him. All I have to be is His footsoldier. And then the work comes naturally.

At this Easter time when we are thankful to God for giving us Jesus - this anniversary of the germination of Living Room - I wish that attitude for all of you. Can you look on the work you want to do with Living Room as God's work? It isn't yours at all. All the power comes from Him who gives us strength. We only need to follow Him.

And then, how wonderful it is to serve Him!

All the best to you. And Happy Easter! May the sun shine on you and within.

marja

Back to photographing

I had the delightful opportunity to photograph a friend's 3 1/2 year old grandson. Such a good, but busy time it was. He's an active little guy, so not easy capture at times. The neat thing about him was that he was almost always smiling. I managed to get a good series of him while his grandmother was reading to him, his expression constantly changing as he delighted in Winnie the Pooh.

As often happens, I did not feel I was doing particularly well capturing images, and yet - when I came to editing the ones I had - I still had a good bunch of successes, with good variety.

Good to be distracted a bit from my Living Room work. The photography helped bring the balance I need in my life. At times I tend to get obsessed with Living Room, but - thank God - I'm presently able to do a wide variety of things.

This afternoon I was engaged in a Living Room activity. I visited the group in Abbotsford and talked about my life and how the Living Room concept came into being. It was a most enjoyable time I had. I was able to express myself the way I wished and I think some of the people may have been inspired by what I had to say. I pray that I left them with a message of hope...I think I did.

My next project will be to finish up my cookbook. Should tell you, though, the cookbook has evolved into a book called "Happiness is...: Celebrating my hobbies. Sharing from Marja's kitchen and camera." ...or something like that. I'm still working on a good title. All the recipes are entered and now the fun job of inserting photographs will begin.

But...I must keep my life balance and can't sit at the computer all the time. The sun is shining in Vancouver and I must get into the outdoors as well. I need to get out and walk...and my muskoka chair is waiting.

Reaching out

I had a call from someone I didn't know last night. She had huge anxieties and depression and was reaching out. Looking for someone who could give her an answer to her problems. Looking for someone who could alleviate the pain. And yet, all I could do was to listen with compassion. I could have prayed with her as well, and am sorry I didn't. Somehow I didn't feel I understood her well enough at the time to be able to pray. I should have tried though. But I was tired and all I could do was listen.

She reminded me of myself when I'm deeply depressed. Then I also reach out, looking for someone who might be able to help me. Looking for someone who can take away the pain. And yet, there is so little we can do for each other in cases like that, isn't there? Except to show each other we care and to remind each other of God's love. And assure each other that this pain won't last forever. That doesn't help much though. When you're deeply depressed it feels like it will never go away. Hard to believe otherwise. You cannot see the light. You cannot feel hope.

How we long for someone to just fix us when things are so bad! It's so hard to trust in the pills, in the doctor...and even in God. So hard to believe in a better future! And yet it is trusting - it is believing - that does help you recover. It takes time and patience.

This morning I'm praying for this lady out in the Valley. I'm praying she will recover soon. I'm praying she will believe that she will recover. That God is there for her, looking after her. Just wish I'd done that last night, while she was on the phone with me.

God's gift of creativity

On Friday we'll be discussing creativity at Living Room. This is one of my favourite subjects. Such a juicily interesting thing to discuss!

I'm a very creative person and it's mysterious to me how ideas and inspiration come to me. I'm often in awe of what God has helped me produce. Not that I'm such a wonderful artist. I feel very little has to do with my own efforts. Yes, I put forth the time and energy, but I know the actual creativity - the talent and ability - come to me through the Holy Spirit.

Look at the cookbook idea that I've told you about in an earlier post. That was such a good idea, I know a good thought like that could not come from me alone. The inspiration for it was planted within me by God. Spoken into me by the Holy Spirit. I simply cannot take the credit for as good an idea that. That project has benefited me so much! I'm enjoying cooking again. I'm sharing recipes with friends. I'll be using photography in it, another activity that's important for me to keep up. And, it has been good for my marriage. The way to my husband's heart is very much through his stomach :))

And how the Holy Spirit is alive within me as I work to capture candid photographs of children! The process is exciting, captivating and satisfying.

God gives every one of us creative gifts. He has made us in His image, and - being the greatest Creator - creativity is part of what He passes on to us. Creative gifts include more than just arts such as painting, music and photography. Planning a party or other event, decorating a home, cooking dinner, are all creative pursuits.

How we need to be thankful for the creative gifts God gives us! We need to use them and develop them. Life truly becomes meaningful when we use our gifts to serve God and others. But, don't forget to simply enjoy what God has given you too. Praise God for your gifts and use them to enjoy all aspect of life.

What creative gifts did God give you? Are you using them?

A goal for living room

Hi everyone,

I feel so bad that I don't write here more, especially when I'm reading neat stuff and thinking neat things I would love to share, if I could just take some time.

Pastor Don also gave an inspiring sermon on boldness I wouldn't mind sharing more about. But I'll let you hear it yourself. The sermon can be heard on the Brentwood Park Alliance Church website, here. The questions Don opened with were:

What is it that you would care enough about to take a stand regardless of the risk or the cost to you personally?

What would be your motivation to take such a stand?

There is one thing I absolutely do need to share with you at this point though. The Global Living Room initiative which is dedicated to giving access to as many people as possible to Living Room groups, now has its own fund set up. We can now accept donations and will have a "donate" button on our website soon. This will mean more freedom to really get to work spreading the word about this form of faith-based Christian support for people with mood disorders.

Two days ago we set a goal - an ambitious goal - but I believe one that is within reach. We want to see Living Room in all communities in the Greater Vancouver area and the Fraser Valley by the Fall of 2013. At the same time we will continue reaching out to the world beyond this corner of Canada, encouraging such Christian support in communities elsewhere.

A group started recently in Miami. And another group is close to starting in Atlanta. A young adult group will have its first meeting tomorrow at Simon Fraser University. Please pray for the facilitators of all these groups. Please pray for the many people who could benefit from this faith-based support.

Tonight I'm going to camera club and will enter the picture above in our print competition: Bougainvillea from a Greek isle.

Finding meaning...revisited

“Mental illness is not all bad.” That’s how I began an article about finding meaning in a life with bipolar disorder several years ago. How I regret having written those words today! I know the message I was trying to convey with the piece, but using those words tend to make it look like I was making light of disorders that I know from experience are serious and cause unbearable pain.

Mental illnesses ARE bad, as some of the comments on this article pointed out. But I also know that we need to adopt a positive and hopeful view.

At the time I wrote the piece I was thinking of what the apostle Paul said in Romans 8:28: “…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I truly believe that and have experienced it in my life.

Yet we need to recognize the honest truth. Mental illness can be devastating. As many as 20% of people with manic depression (as bipolar used to be called) take their own lives. It causes break-downs of relationships. Many lose the ability to support themselves. And then there’s trying to deal with people’s misunderstanding…the stigma…!

I have found meaning in life. Abundant meaning. But that doesn’t take away the suffering mental illness causes me and so many others.

Last year was very unstable for me, with much rapid cycling – periods when my moods shifted rapidly from low to high. Many times these shifts would happen within hours; sometimes within days. I never knew how I was going to be. There were sleepless nights and almost total loss of appetite. Eventually the rapid cycling gave way to solid depression and anxiety. Often I felt riddled with feelings of shame and guilt. I didn’t like the needy person I had become. I had to cancel out of commitments, feeling terrible to have let people down. I became suicidal at times, at one point asking my pastor to please remind me why I should live. Such is the loss of reality and perspective depression can bring on.

But I continued spending time with God daily and in between the bad times found much joy and comfort as well. At sunrise one morning I made one of the most meaningful photographs I’ve ever done. I considered it a gift from God, revealing to me His awesome nature. Yet I continued to be unstable. The effects of bipolar disorder are not easy to shake.

At times my husband didn’t trust leaving me on my own, giving up two or three fishing trips he needed for his own enjoyment and emotional well-being. His usual patient and laid back attitude gave way to emotional struggles of his own. Our relationship suffered. For the first time in our 42 years of marriage we needed counselling. Thank God, the counsellor was a good one who helped us learn how to weather the storm together.

In early December I had an idea to gather all our favourite recipes from our life together. These will become a little book to share with friends and family. This project helped me focus on cooking and made what had become a difficult chore into a hobby again – a source of enjoyment. This healthy activity did much to stabilize me. I can now see how such inspiration did not come from me alone. It was very much a gift from God.

I don’t think I would have appreciated such a gift without having gone through some tough times. I don’t think I would have as great reason to be thankful. I, along with the psalmist David, can sing “…and yet I will praise him!”

In New Light on Depression, (Zondervan, 2004) the book David B. Biebel, D.Min. wrote along with Harold G. Koenig, M.D., he said, “Having one's capacity for serenity and joy restored is little compensation for the agony of despair, much less the 'despair beyond despair.' The only true compensation for depression has to do with the sense of purpose and fulfillment that comes from redemptive involvement with others in distress, sharing the comfort we've experienced. This is the true route to joy." [emphasis mine]

How true that is! I’m now able to give support to others who live with mental illness through my faith-based Living Room support ministry for people with mood disorders. I can share with others what I’ve learned about God’s unfathomable love. I can offer heart-felt compassion because I understand the pain of depression. How good that makes me feel! That’s my compensation.

Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 1:4 hold true for me as I work with my ministry. I praise God “who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received.”

This is how I found meaning…and joy.

Cringing with regret

In 2007 I had a piece published at canadianchristianity.com with the title "Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder." This also happens to be the subtitle of my book A Firm Place to Stand.

Since then 19 people have commented on that article, some of them quite upset with me, especially with my opening line, "Mental illness is not all bad." I have often wished I could rewrite that article, leaving out that line. Because, as people commented, it IS bad. It's like saying cancer isn't all bad. I guess what I was trying to say was that good can come out of trials.

But I agree with those who commented, bipolar disorder is a horrid disease. I believe I myself said in a recent post how I hate this disorder. Last year was a very bad year for me.

This morning I wrote a comment on my own article, saying how I would like to eat my words. I was so wrong to talk the way I did.

I've been invited to write a follow-up article and think I will do that soon. A good project to keep me occupied while I'm without a voice.

I would love your feedback on the article and any thoughts you might have on the topic.

I can't talk

Hi everyone. Over the past week I've had a doozy of a cold. And now, starting yesterday, I completely lost my voice. All I can do is whisper. What a strange feeling to try and say something to my husband and have almost nothing come out. When I want to tell him anything in the least involved, I email him. Weird, eh? I hope I get over this soon because this is really slowing me down.

While I've been sickly I've worked on making Spanish bookmarks for a mission team from our church to take with them. My goal is to make 500 with 15 or so different designs. A lot of work, but I know they're well appreciated, so it feels good to make them.

But what I really want to get going on is working to help more Living Room groups get going. I want to explain Living Room to church representatives, getting them enthused about the ministry. I have some ideas, but first I need a voice so that I can discuss them with my team. How frustrating when you really want to move ahead but things get in the way! Ah well! I need to have patience, don't I?

...And yet, I always feel a sense of urgency when there are things that I see need to be done. I've been reading Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus, previously published as Seizing Your Divine Moment. McManus writes about the importance of passion. On the back cover the book is described as

"a call to live a life of blazing urgency. We have but one life. We are given one opportunity to pursue our dreams and fulfill our divine purpose. Every moment counts, and we must engage them with fierceness and zeal. Put an end to passive observation, paralyzed by the need for perfect opportunity, and start seizing the raw, untapped potential of your life with God."

That sounds like the recipe for a life of adventure, doesn't it? And that's what Living Room has given me - a life of adventure. I thank God for the journey. I thank Him for the privilege.

The best anti-stigma tactic

On February 9th the Vancouver Sun published an article on the difficulties of removing the stigma of mental illness. Amongst other things, he wrote about the World Psychiatric Associations anti-stigma pilot program conducted in 1996. The program tried out various approaches but found that although people became better informed about the biological basis of mental disorders, their attitude did not change significantly.

Some of the things McKnight does report about the program's findings are very encouraging to me and make me realize that perhaps I'm on the right track with my personal efforts to reduce stigma amongst Christians.

McKnight writes:

"...the pilot program found that by far the most effective way to change attitudes was to engage people in an emotional experience, and the best way to do that was to establish contact between people with mental illness and other members of the public."

"...it's important for members of the public not simply to have contact with psychiatric patients, but to see and hear from successful members of the community who have battled mental illness. ...most members of the public only see mentally ill people when something negative happens, and this is something anti-stigma campaigns must counter.

"Beyond that, the research suggests that campaigns are most effective when they're relatively small, manageable and sustainable, and when they're targeted to a specific audience. Different groups of people differ in their attitudes, after all, hence the best programs are ones designed to address specific attitudes."

This points out to me how important it is for Christians who have - or have had - mental illness to be open about it and educate their church families. Those who are doing well in life would especially be doing a great service if they would tell about the struggles they've had with mental illness.

But, given the stigma that exists, this takes courage. There is always the danger of alienating your Christian friends, especially those who harbour a deeply ingrained stigma or belief about mental illness. It takes a person who is passionate about making the world a better place for those who suffer with mental disorders. It takes compassionate people who want to see these people benefit from a loving and accepting Christian attitude. It takes someone who cares enough to make it possible for suffering people to be encouraged - not discouraged - in their faith.

Are you one of these people? Are you a respected member of your church community who has in the past lived with mental illness? Do you want to take part in making the world a better place?

Tell your story to your church family. Once you've made the topic an ok one, you'd be surprised how many people will come out of the woodwork.

Collaborating with God

I've always wanted to live in God's presence - aware of Him, moment by moment. Yet it's a hard thing to do. The world is so with us, isn't it?

The devotional I've been reading every morning has some neat thoughts on it: Living in God's presence is like collaborating with Him. Our work becomes infused with His presence. "It is not longer laborious but delightful: more like play than work." Hmm, sounds like my cooking now-a-days. Last night I even enjoyed cleaning up my kitchen because I played some neat worship music while I did it. Yes, that was living in God's presence. The work became like play. And all of my kitchen work has become part of the cookbook project - the creative pathway God has planted in me.

Over the next few weeks I'll be collaborating with a psychotherapist, constructing a recovery narrative. This is part of a University of British Columbia study to discover the impact of personal narratives. We had one session already. And that - because it's collaborative - is turning out to be like play as well.

The writing process involves me telling my story to the therapist and her getting it down in note form and on tape. Then she transcribes it and sends the results to me in bare bone form. I then edit the results, writing in my own voice.

Now, I've done lots of writing on my own. It's hard work trying to formulate thoughts and getting them down. But the rewriting and editing I did yesterday on what I had done with the therapist was fun - more like play - not work at all. Collaborating with someone made it easy.

It's that way when we make God part of our day to day life, isn't it? It's that way when we follow His leading - the pathway He shows us. It becomes easy. In Matthew 11:30, Jesus says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

My devotional has Jesus saying, "Whatever you do, do it for Me - with Me, through Me, in Me. Even menial tasks [like dishes] glow with the Joy of My Presence when you do them for Me."

How true!

Hope in the Lord

My devotional guide's verse this morning was Hebrews 10:23.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

The guide asks me to think about a time when I felt God had let me down. And I think of the hard times I went through last year. I really never through that time felt let down by God. I felt let down by my disorder - by the meds that are supposed to be keeping me well. But no, I never blamed God or felt He should have prevented it all from happening.

Today my husband and I are just very grateful that I've stabilized and am able to live normally again. I can see that God planted a creative pathway within me to live a healthier life, a life not focused to such a huge degree on one thing - Living Room. Not that Living Room isn't important to me. It is. But now I'm spending more time cooking and looking after my husband, something that had been lacking for awhile.

My cookbook project may seem like a trivial thing, but the good it's doing me and my husband is huge. I look forward to cooking and enjoy looking for recipes and making my grocery lists. What was a chore has become a hobby again. It has helped lift me out of depression and given me something fun to give my energy to. I fully believe that God planted the idea for that cookbook within me. It's the creative pathway He showed me to a healthier balance. And - most of all - this makes my husband very happy. He feels like he's got his wife back.

God is faithful.

While I'm strong...

I last wrote two weeks ago, telling you that I was doing well. And lo and behold, I'm still doing well!! I hope this will be the trend for awhile. In any case, I'm trying to do all the right things to stay healthy: getting plenty of rest, eating well, exercizing, and staying active with purpose for every day. I'm also following a daily devotional guide that leads me through an overview of the Bible and gives me Bible verses to meditate on. I'm trying to lean on God and not live on my own strength.

Only thing I have to make sure of now is that I take a Sabbath day on a regular basis. And that's tough. I'm not sure what a Sabbath day looks like for me. It certainly doesn't mean just sitting around being holy. What can I do and what shouldn't I do on such a day? I believe that Mark Buchanan, in his book The Rest of God, mentioned that it's mostly doing things that you don't "have to do." (Not absolutely sure if he's the one who said that or whether I heard it somewhere else.)

I was pleased to be asked to give a speech somewhere. And, as usual, I had to do a lot of soul searching. Should I agree to do this? How will I know whether or not I'll be well enough when I do the presentation in April? I never know where I'm going to be mood-wise, so it's very tough to make commitments. Yet I so much want to do this kind of thing. There is so much I'd like to share. It's another way I can follow through on my desire to educate Christians about mental illness and to reduce stigma.

But I did accept the invitation, thinking that I could start writing the speech now. If it were all written out, I could always read it, even if I were depressed. It must seem kind of strange to you to be starting to prepare a speech it January when I don't have to give it till April, but that's the way I can ensure that I can be relied upon.

Today, while I'm strong, I'll picture myself standing in front of that group of people, telling my story, teaching, encouraging them to support people who, like me, have a mental illness.

It's wonderful to feel strong and in control. I thank God for seeing me through a very rough year. He's taught me a thing or two through the trials I experienced. And I pray that I will be a better Living Room facilitator as a result.

And today...while I'm strong...I will write. Yes!!!

My dream

This morning my devotional planner quotes Philippians 4:13: "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." It talks about being a risk-taker for God's kingdom and asks the question: "What is your spiritual dream?"

That question started me thinking afresh of how my dream has been to significantly reduce the stigma toward mental illness in the church. How I would like to make things better for those who struggle with mental illness! How important it is for them to receive good support from their church families! To be encouraged in their faith, and not discouraged.

This is what I've been giving my life to over the past few years. This is the work I believe God has called me to. And what a huge work it is! And how privileged I feel to have been given a good start on it with Living Room!!

This past year has not been a good one for me health-wise. But I feel emotionally strong right now. How I pray that these better moods will continue so that I can continue the work I started! But as the verse above says, "I can do everything through him." I will trust God to the best of my ability. I will lean on Him for my strength. And I will always try to remember that it's God at work, not me. I'm only His footsoldier, carrying out what He leads me to do.

I so appreciate having a team behind me now. People to share with. People to help guide me. It has been so very important to me to know I'm being prayed for and still believed in - though so many times I stopped believing in my own ability to carry on. Today I feel strong. Please pray that this feeling of strength - this trust in God - will continue for me. God has taken me so far and I know He can carry me further still. Those are my feelings this morning.

God's passionate love for us

I shared the following with my Living Room group this morning, but want to copy it here, knowing it will benefit many of you as well.

I feel compelled to share some more with you - the journey I'm on - the things I'm reading that touch me. Because I'm thinking some of you might be touched as well and it would be wonderful if it would do something for you as well.

I'm reading Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus the second time around.

McManus talks about how awful it feels when we love someone but our love is not returned. "...if God's love is immeasurable and unending, as the Hebrews describe him, how deep and profound must be his sense of sorrow and rejection. If anyone knows the pain of a love unreturned, it must be God."

He goes on to say "This is the story of God: he pursues you with his love and pursues you with his love, and you have perhaps not said yes. And even if you reject his love, he pursues you ever still. It was not enough to send and angel or a prophet or any other, for in issues of love, you must go yourself. And so God has come.
"This is the story of Jesus, that God has walked among us and he pursues us with his love. He is very familiar with rejection but is undeterred. And he is here even now, still pursuing you with his love."

Mc Manus speaks to all of us - people like you and me who have such a deep longing for love:
"...God is going up and down the streets of the city, traveling the most obscure paths and untamed wilderness, walking on unnamed roads in the most desolate of places, searching for the one he loves - and that one is you and me and every human being who has ever walked this earth, has taken a breath, and has longed for love."

And how we need to love God, eh? This passionate God who loves us unconditionally, no matter who we are or what we might have done or not done. This Jesus who loved us so much that He gave His life for us. How it must hurt Him when we don't return His love!

My prayer for you this morning is that you'll feel God's love touching your hearts today.

Making a hobby out of a chore

Such a neat thing when something that was a chore becomes a hobby!

Through most of my marriage cooking was a hobby for me. I enjoyed trying out a wide variety of recipes, eager to see the results. My thinking was that if I had to cook every day I might as well make a hobby out of it. I might as well make it fun.

Now this truly spoilt my husband because, over the past few years it has become something I had to do - a chore. My time and energy went into other things. My husband felt I was failing him. He was so accustomed to having interesting meals - something different almost every day of the month.

Now that I've decided to gather all our favourite recipes from those years into a cookbook, I've become almost obsessed about cooking...well - pretty high on it, anyway. What fun it is to go through my boxes of cookbooks and uncover all those recipes for things I used to cook! I always made it a habit to put remarks with the recipes I tried, because if I didn't I'd never remember what was good, or excellent, or not worth making again. That's making it easy going back now.

The fun thing about cooking good meals is that you want to be able to share them with people. Now I'm starting to dream up dinner parties with various people.

Next week Wednesday my son is coming over for his birthday celebration. I'll be making his all-time favourite, Six O'Clock Twist. Rotini with a very cheesy sauce including bacon. He's been raving about it to his gourmet-cook wife. I remember him telling his Grade Two teacher about it over thirty years ago and bringing her the recipe. Hmmm...I wonder if he'll still like it as much as he did then, now that he's grown accustomed to his wife's great cooking. We'll see.

My splintery platform

Several weeks ago I turned over leadership of my Living Room group at Brentwood Park Alliance Church to my co-facilitator, Mark. I thought my emotional health was too unstable and wanted a strong facilitator for the group. My on-again off-again depression was proving to be too much. Thought I should have a break and return when I was stronger. (I attended the last meeting, but left everything to Mark to run.)

I've had a good rest, turning my energy to cooking and to spending more time with my husband. Now I'm wondering whether I'm ready to return to full leadership. I hesitate because I still have down times. I'm still not stable. But - I wonder - will I ever be completely stable? I expect not. Does that mean I should not lead a Living Room group? I don't think that's the case.

I think facilitators who deal with mood disorders are always in danger of falling into depression or rising to mania or hypomania. When these problems get bad it's so good to have a co-facilitator to take over for awhile. But I'm learning that I'll never be perfect and I should take back the leadership when I've started doing better - when I've had a chance to have a good break.

A friend gave me Dear Jesus, a devotional book written by Sarah Young. Those devotionals are proving to be the perfect thing for me to start my early morning quiet times with.

This morning's devotional helped me in my struggle to decide whether or not I should return to leadership. The author - and I along with her - asks Jesus:

Dear Jesus,
"I want to be available for the display of Your Power and Glory. But I feel more like a splintery, unfinished platform than a polished ready-to-use stage. I may not even be safe enough for Your performance, since some of my boards aren't nailed down properly."

and Jesus answers:

"Beloved, no matter how polished you might become, you could never be good enough for the display of My radiant holiness. However, I have chosen you to reflect My Glory, despite your imperfections. Moreover, your weakness is the ideal stage for the exhibition of My Power. Your part in this drama is to look away from yourself and gaze at Me in My awesome splendor. Forget about your unworthiness and delight yourself in My glorious Being. Watch while I perform great things for you."

Yes, I need to look away from myself and my imperfections and look at Jesus. I need to forget about the feelings of unworthiness that have been plaguing me and think about Jesus and what He can do...and all He has done. I need to say to myself, "Forget yourself, Marja. It's not about you at all."

I'm preparing my heart for our next meeting on January 14th. Looking forward to sharing Jesus with others who suffer from mood disorders. Looking forward to sharing how He can work in us and through us, in spite of our imperfections. As Jesus said,

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Blessed Christmas time

What a blessing my strategy to fight depression by planning a cookbook project! Although I've struggled with on and off lows, I've been motivated to cook and bake - to gather all our favourite recipes from the over forty years we've been married.

Taking up a new creative project has been my coping technique for dealing with depression almost since I first started having bipolar disorder. It helps me keep my head above water. It gives me a purpose for the day - something more colourful than the chores - more colourful than the things I have to do.

This is my third day in an up mood. So good to feel this way! Today I'm baking Stollen, an involved recipe, but I've reserved most of the day for this job.

My husband gave me a wonderful early Christmas present, Brian Doerksen's new CD, Level Ground. I believe his songs have in large part been responsible for bringing me up, for encouraging me. How the words speak to me! They are perfect for people who deal with mood disorders. On his website, Brian says,

"Worship is not always about bringing God our best and brightest. Sometimes it's about bringing God our pain and grief. Sometimes it's coming just the way we are! God wants to give us more than permission to feel - he wants to step into the middle of our feelings and be present with us; even in our suffering . . . even in the middle of our emotions. So let the tears flow . . . let the laments be sung . . . and don't even think about apologizing!"

I'm feeling so well that I'm tempted to invite my Living Room group for an open house. Someone has to eat all those cookies! But a friend and my husband are warning me against it. My road has been far too rocky lately. How can I be sure I will be well enough to handle the stress?

Darn!

Nevertheless, I will enjoy what I do have planned. My son and his wife and my mother are coming to have a turkey dinner with us. And we're planning on having a couple - old friends - over for New Year's Eve.

We will have a good Christmas. And I hope you will too.

My prayer

I read a prayer written by Max Lucado in his gift book called Shaped by God. How that impacted me! How I want to make that my prayer! How I would like to be drawn from the fire - well again, firm and solid so that I can be God's instrument! But you know what? I think it's starting to happen.

Lucado writes:

Ah, to be your instrument, O God,
like Paul to the Gentiles,
like Philip to the eunuch,
like Jesus to the world,
...to be your instrument.
To be like a scalpel in the gentle hands of a surgeon,
healing and mending.
To be like a plow in the weathered hands of a farmer,
sowing and tending.
To be like a scythe in the sweeping hands of a reaper,
gathering and using.
To be...an instrument for noble purposes.
To be honed and tuned,
in sync with your will,
sensitive to your touch.
This, my God, is my prayer.
Draw me from your fire,
form me on your anvil,
shape me with your hands,
and let me be your tool.