Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Never stable?

My friend at church and I have been praying for stability for me, for an end to the ups and downs. But you know, I don't think that's in God's plans for me. I'm pretty sure I'll always been on a roller coaster. That's what it is to be bipolar and I'll just have to accept that.

I've been wondering lately what is normal for me. What is the real me? The joyous person I was on Easter Sunday? Or is it the person I became last night when my mood dropped so significantly that my husband noticed it right away? I don't know whether there is a normal me.

A friend told me I'm being over-analytical, always trying to figure out where I'm at within myself. But I need to know so I can respond with plans for days that are healthy for me. So I can plan to do things to raise my low mood or things to level me off if my mood is too high. Psychiatrists tell their patients to keep mood charts. That requires that each day you analyze where you're at.

I do know that I need to start each day with God, asking for His help, asking for me to feel His presence, asking Him to help me live for Him, no matter what my mood. I need to cling to God as I cling to the handbars of a roller coaster as I ride. It helps me feel more secure, more confident, more safe.

...And I need to stop thinking too much but do more. Plan to accomplish a few things each day. Thinking too much just encourages the onset of depression. ...Or does depression encourage too much thinking? Hard to know which comes first.

It's all about finding a balance, isn't it?


Wendy Love said...

Praying for stability is a good idea! Your friend who tells you that you think about things too much may not understand bipolar the way we do. We have to take our bipolar temperature every day and check the radar often throughout the day to see where we are at and the ward off the possible pitfalls before we dive into them unwarned.... It is part of our job. I will pray for your stability too.

marja said...

Thank you, Wendy, for your prayers. I'm glad you agree with me about taking our mood temperature being good for us. Actually, I've come to automatically do it. After so many years of struggling i'm always wondering where I'll be at. Fully appreciating the good times and knowing I have work to do when things are not so good.

It must be nice not to have a mood disorder and not to have to worry about such things.

Liana said...

Hi Marja, Im Liana. I just started blogging again and found you via someone elses site. Its reassuring to know that others out there including your self share the familiar symptoms of bipolar and that it isnt just me going crazy but a neurophysiological condition. I also have guilt feelings for analysing myself often, but like you say, yes you have to know where you're at. I get sick of the ups and downs somedays. I started tracking my moods on They have an awesome site and forum to meet others. Its nice to meet you here. Liana.

marja said...

Welcome to my blog, Liana. Thanks for your comment. I agree. I look at my friends who don't have trouble with moods - at least not significantly - and I think how nice it must be not to have to worry about the highs and lows. I can't imagine what life like that would be like.

Anonymous said...

Hi Marja,

Mood stability bipolar disorder are the same in my mind-totally connected, beacaue, there is never "true stability". We may have times of "wellness" but there are always things going on under the surface that can quiety affect us say the research specialists.

Mood temp. taking could be good, but as my p-doc says for me I shouldn't be overanalzing everything (which I can do!).

Since my type of the disorder is rapid cycling, it can be hard for me to obtain long periods of stability, regardless of what I do. Meds and personal/professional support make it easier to cope with, but it is still a daily struggle much of the time. I cannot work which upsets me, but I do know it's not possible, but a loss to my heart and mind.

So, this is a complex topic with varied opinions, I'm sure. I hope that we can all do what is best for us all.


marja said...

Hi K.

Yes, I guess over-analyzing wouldn't be a good thing either. We shouldn't focus too much on our feelings - if we can - and rather focus on doing things. That's why it's so good to live with some kind of purpose for our days, eh? That's why it's so good to make lists for ourselves of things we want to accomplish for each day. When I do that I have the least problems.

I'm sorry you're not able to work as you would like, K. That must be an awful loss, one that would be hard to come to terms with. I hope you'll find something else to do that you'll find fulfilling. Volunteer work maybe?

Love, marja

Spin Original said...

"God, today, this moment, help our focus be on You, regardless of what our circumstances are. Help us remember that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are what You say we are - not what we think we are or what others say we are. Your opinion is all that matters - and You think we are wonderful. You chose us and called us to live in relationship with You. Thank You for that! Thank You for choosing us to be Your Daughter, and for being Abba Father to us - You are our real Daddy. Remind us that we can go to You at ANYTIME - You are constantly thinking about us. Bring us peace of mind - Your perfect peace - as we daily line up our lives with Your will for us. All glory, honor and power belong to You.

marja said...

Thank you, Spin, for helping us remember that we need to focus on God - to keep our eyes on Jesus - not ourselves.

I just came back from a wonderful lunch/visit with a friend who happens to be in hospital for depression. We talked about what God was teaching us through our depression. We talked about how He's transforming us through our trials and how we can serve Him using what we learn.

How we need to pray and keep our eyes on Jesus!! And what peace and joy that can bring!

Love, marja