Monday, April 26, 2010

Restless

I'm painting this morning...at least, trying to. The hills at Steptoe Butte in Washington. Painting is the hardest thing I can think of doing, something I keep putting off because it's so hard. And yet I've been itching to do it too, itching to improve my technique, to create something that could be deemed worthwhile. I paint a hill and then walk away, wishing for something easier to do. Yet I don't feel like doing anything else, so I email a friend, cause I need to "talk", and now I blog.

I've had a lot of disappointments lately and this morning I woke up feeling an utter failure. I think this feeling came from the realization yesterday that the mission trip I'd had my heart set on going on next year would be too rigorous for me. The realization that a person with bipolar disorder should not be doing something that involved seven days of ministry from early morning till late at night.

I'd so wanted to experience this country and these people, that I had even started studying Spanish to prepare. My dream was to photograph the people and their churches and to write about them, telling photo stories. Oh, how I had my heart set on this!! It was good to be focusing on this too. It reduced the obsession I had about Living Room. It gave me something else worthwhile to think about.

Yet another thing that I had wanted to do but had to give up on!! (the other was the depression seminar) Do I ever need something to feel good about! Something to look forward to.

But, my friends would say, you did make 340 bookmarks in Spanish for the mission our church members went on. And you are going to Greece in a few weeks for a holiday.

Yeah, crazy aren't I? I have so much to be thankful for.

All I need to do now is turn on some good music that will anchor me to the "studio" (yeah I have a room I call my "studio":o)) and paint. And after I have painted that picture turn to something more straightforward to do. Perhaps I will post my painting when it's done...if it's good enough. That would be fun. And it's fun I need. Creative fun. It's sharing I need. With people who care.

I pray this picture will be presentable. I pray that God will settle me down and give me some peace.

7 comments:

marja said...

Nope. Don't think I'll post the painting. Didn't turn out good at all.

Wendy Love said...

Marja,
I hear your anxiousness and I can identify too well. It is so hard to accept the many things we CAN'T do. But instead of looking at these things as failures we could just say 'it didn't work out'. Let's get rid of that darn old word 'failure' for good! Talking to myself as well as you....I set small goals for myself, ones that I CAN achieve and then I can still have that sense of accomplishment. Getting dressed and making my bed can even be an achievement! I play this game with myself. It seems like a good alternative to feeling unaccomplished and unpurposed. It works for me, most of the time....Don't give up, I'm praying for you!

The Rainbow Dreaming said...

Awww Marja, I just read your comment. I was going to ask you to post it regardless? As long as you had some creative fun is the main thing I believe. Liana.

marja said...

Thanks, Wendy. You're absolutely right. I need to focus on the things I CAN do. And maybe painting isn't one of them. I should try it, as long I feel the itch to try. As long as I don't feel I need to be a wonderful painter.

Yesterday I started a project which I'll write about in a future blog. It's exciting. And it's something I CAN do. And I'm finding it healing to work on.

marja said...

Thank you Rainbow. Welcome to my blog. I checked your blog and you're quite an artist. Must give you a lot satisfaction. And it must be healing to you to do your art.

No, I don't think I'll post the painting I did. I would rather post one of my photographs, since photography is more my thing and I receive more satisfaction from it.

I do think I might try another painting though. The same subject, but painting wet on wet. What I long for is to have painting as a vehicle of expression. I long to express my feelings more freely, in a way photography doesn't always allow. (though sometimes it does)

Your play room/studio looks like it would be a wonderful place to work.

Please do visit again. I'll try and keep my eye on your blog as well.

Liana said...

Hi Marja. Yes do keep painting as its very therapeuticm, and one day I'd love to one! I like photography too, but can't seem to express so much with it and I use it as medium to collect memories really. Yeah, I love any form of art, and find it very relaxing. Not a pro, just do it as a hobby, and its one of my great passions in life. The playroom is my favourite room in my house where I spend a bulk of my time. Liana.

marja said...

Hi Liana,

Yes, it IS more of a challenge expressing yourself - your deepest emotions - through photography. It takes many efforts to do a photograph that will do that, I find. You need to have all the elements there in front of you. Fog, perhaps or ? I find weeds and grasses are good vehicles for expression or the honest expressions of children.

But that's why I long to be able to do better with paints. To give me another vehicle for self expression. The watercolour is difficult though. Very tricky. I have plans, though, to try a wet on wet photograph of those hills I did. Something more expressive with the different colours bleeding into each other.

You have fun, eh?

marja