Seeking understanding

How I long to have my illness understood!

What do friends think of me? What do they think of my frequent ups and downs? I worry that they are allowing those moods to colour what they consider my personality to be. But my moods are not what I am. I can't help my moods.

I'm down so much. Yet I'm a positive thinker with good goals to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. On behalf of the many who suffer as I do, I try to help others understand what it means to live with bipolar disorder so that they'll be more compassionate.

And yet, even people close to me misunderstand and withhold the support I need.

A friend pointed out to me, though, that these people probably have enough problems of their own in life. Sometimes they just can't handle another thing. And that's probably something I need to take into account. My fear though is that they think ill of who I am because of my moods.

Who can I go to in times of deep darkness, when I can't see my way clear, when I want to die and when I just need someone to talk to and pray with?

My husband is a wonderful supporter. A patient man who has made a good life possible for me. But he doesn't have faith in God like I do. If he did, things would be so much different. I wouldn't need to depend so much on other friends.

God is number one in my life. I value my relationship with Him. But when dark moods come I need someone to remind me of His love and trustworthiness. A spiritual weakness of mine? Perhaps. But I know it's a common problem for people with depression. It's all part of the bipolar package.