Self-centeredness

One of the things we talked about at Living Room yesterday was our tendency to become self-centered when we're depressed or when we're high. How can we try to start thinking of others at times like that? Is it possible to become other-centered by thinking of how we can help others with their needs?

I know I've tried many times. But the success has been short-lived. Sometimes I'm able to help my depression improve a bit by trying to do things for other people - by trying to put myself in their shoes and seeing their needs. But the better feelings are usually only temporary. Of course, much depends on the depth of depression I'm experiencing. When depression is only starting to descend, I may well pull right out by turning my attention to the needs of others.

One person present, a person who does not have a mood disorder himself, suggested that having a good friend show us how we're thinking too much of ourselves might be the best kind of support we could have.

But, I responded, "You have to be very careful how you tell a person that. I've been told that by a number of people in the past and it made me feel awful. It made me feel even worse about myself than I did before and deepened the depression." I believe it could even drive a person to take his life, especially if he's told so in a way that he might consider uncaring or critical. After all, self-centered thinking is not something a person with depression can easily control. It is one of the symptoms of this illness.

My best support comes from a close friend who does not in so many words tell me that I'm thinking too much about myself. Instead she helps me search for things that I could do to bring me out of myself - get me out of my negative thinking pattern. Play a game with my husband, do a Sudoku puzzle, go for a walk with a friend, work on a creative activity.

It takes a very special person to know how to help a depressed person, especially if this person has himself never experienced depression. How hard it must be to understand if you've never been there yourself!!

The best anti-stigma tactic

On February 9th the Vancouver Sun published an article on the difficulties of removing the stigma of mental illness. Amongst other things, he wrote about the World Psychiatric Associations anti-stigma pilot program conducted in 1996. The program tried out various approaches but found that although people became better informed about the biological basis of mental disorders, their attitude did not change significantly.

Some of the things McKnight does report about the program's findings are very encouraging to me and make me realize that perhaps I'm on the right track with my personal efforts to reduce stigma amongst Christians.

McKnight writes:

"...the pilot program found that by far the most effective way to change attitudes was to engage people in an emotional experience, and the best way to do that was to establish contact between people with mental illness and other members of the public."

"...it's important for members of the public not simply to have contact with psychiatric patients, but to see and hear from successful members of the community who have battled mental illness. ...most members of the public only see mentally ill people when something negative happens, and this is something anti-stigma campaigns must counter.

"Beyond that, the research suggests that campaigns are most effective when they're relatively small, manageable and sustainable, and when they're targeted to a specific audience. Different groups of people differ in their attitudes, after all, hence the best programs are ones designed to address specific attitudes."

This points out to me how important it is for Christians who have - or have had - mental illness to be open about it and educate their church families. Those who are doing well in life would especially be doing a great service if they would tell about the struggles they've had with mental illness.

But, given the stigma that exists, this takes courage. There is always the danger of alienating your Christian friends, especially those who harbour a deeply ingrained stigma or belief about mental illness. It takes a person who is passionate about making the world a better place for those who suffer with mental disorders. It takes compassionate people who want to see these people benefit from a loving and accepting Christian attitude. It takes someone who cares enough to make it possible for suffering people to be encouraged - not discouraged - in their faith.

Are you one of these people? Are you a respected member of your church community who has in the past lived with mental illness? Do you want to take part in making the world a better place?

Tell your story to your church family. Once you've made the topic an ok one, you'd be surprised how many people will come out of the woodwork.

Living Room times - healing times

I'm healing. Feeling rather quiet and not carefree yet, but healing. This morning I talked to the person who I had hurt and his response to my apology was comforting. I knew he would forgive, yet I did need to talk to him personally and hear him say he would. I needed to hear we were okay.

Our Living Room meeting was such a blessing. God so very much there. The person giving the devotional spoke from his heart, asking the question, "What has your mood disorder taught you?" After a bit, I spoke from my heart, telling them all I had been through this week - how I couldn't live with what I had done. How badly I felt about what my bipolar depression had caused me to do. I opened my broken and contrite heart and poured everything out, comforted to know that there were compassionate souls there to listen.

And others spoke from the heart. We shared from the depths of our being. No fear of judgment. Full acceptance and love for each other. What a special meeting it was! And how the Holy Spirit worked in each of us, healing us!

Thank you, God, for Living Room.

I hate this disorder

I've come to a place where I haven't been before, at least I don't recollect having been here before. I hate having this disorder and lacking the control I would like to have over my feelings and subsequent behaviour. Last week I was hard on a person, blaming him for the depression I was feeling. But I shouldn't have had such depression over what had happened and I shouldn't have laid the blame on someone else for it.

Now I feel such shame for adding to this person's already stressful life. I'm just so very sorry. And I'm ashamed for having a disorder that makes me do things like this. I just pray that he'll forgive me. Even more than this I hope and pray his life will become easier and less stressful.

In my writings and all my work I encourage people not to feel ashamed of their bipolar disorder. I encourage them to look at it as just another illness, one they're not to be blamed for having. And yet today I feel ashamed. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to burden them with too much of me. I lean too heavily on two or three people and I regret that. And yet it isn't within my power to stop. I need their support. It's because of their support that I've been able to do as well as I have. Without these wonderful friends in my life there would be no Living Room.

I've had such a lot of attention as the founder of Living Room. People think so much of what I do. And yet without my supporters and their encouragement to always stay close to God, I would be nothing.

Just want to thank you, my friends, you know who you are, for all you've been to me. I want to thank you for how you've shown Christ's love to me. And I pray that I will find a way to burden you less, though I don't know if I can. I've tried before. I love you.

Help needed

A couple of days ago I received an email from someone with a problem that is so common. It hurt me to read it:

"I am a Christian, but I feel so very alone in my battles and struggles. I know I shouldn't, but I feel ashamed and embarrassed to ask for prayer related to my disorder. I guess I still don't want to "admit" I have it (bipolar disorder). In addition, I feel like a failure with regards to my career outside the home. Heck, I feel like a failure with being a stay-at-home mom and wife much of the time! I could go on and on, but what I really want to ask is what resources or support groups might be available to me that take into account that I have bipolar but I am also a follower of Christ? I need His strength, but I also yearn for the support of those who hold the same worldview/belief system."

So many Christians have this need. A need for support from fellow believers, yet afraid to tell them about their struggles with a mental disorder. Afraid that they're going to be thought of as a bad Christian. Afraid of being judged and rejected.

My heart goes out to this lady. If only there could be more Living Room groups for people like her. We need Living Room groups everywhere. And I pray to God that word of it will spread and that many more groups will be established. And I pray that the stigma within the church will be reduced. Please, God, help this happen.

If you live in or near Minneapolis, have a faith in Jesus Christ, and have bipolar disorder could you let me know? Or if you know of a faith-based support group in that area, please let me know so I can pass the information on to this lady. Please email me at marja@livingroomsupport.org. It would be so good to get such support for her.

If you want to read more about Living Room check this article which was published recently about faith-based mood disorder support. Does this inspire you? Is God calling you to get involved too?

Mental health and churches

There is a relatively new website called Hope and Healing. It features many different articles on faith and health. Today there is a wonderful interview there with the author of Darkness my Only Companion, Kathryn Green-McCreight, a priest who has suffered with depression. She gives some very good pointers on what congregations can do for their members who have mental illness. She also talks about what we can do for the family of a suicide victim.

Another article on their home page is an excerpt from my book, A Firm Place to Stand. In Misconceptions I talk about how people with bipolar disorder and depression are misunderstood by family and friends.

Good reading for Christians who want to know how to be supportive to their friends with depression.

Imagine...a weekly living room

My Living Room group is considering having weekly lunch meetings. Currently we meet only twice a month for our regular meeting and lunch. We were having Bible study for the other Fridays, but they met later and did not include lunch.

We're hoping that having weekly lunches, alternating between regular meetings and Bible study, will encourage better participation and just a friendlier atmosphere. There's a wonderful German word, "gemutlichkeit," which describes the feeling you get from friendly, cozy get-togethers with people you get along well with. This is how Living Room is. This is how our Bible study time could be as well.

Lunch with people you can relate to every Friday. Gemutlichkeit every Friday. Weekly support. How neat that would be!

I've presented the possibility to my group. Now I only have to wait to hear the response and see if the idea will fly.

A window of hope

My depression is dragging on, but in a roller coaster fashion - some days really bad, some not so bad. What occurs to me is that I'm actually in a position to learn a lot right now. I've been wanting to write about how a person can best support friends with depression. This is a mystery to so many. Yet to be able to give good support can be such a blessing for those of us who need it. I'm trying to keep track of what is helping me right now. This is the silver lining of depression. You can use what you learn from it to help others.

Yesterday was a bad day. How I wished someone would call me and toss me a lifesaver, an indication that they cared. With my husband off on a holiday I felt quite alone. I suppose I could have done the reaching out and called a friend, but I would have felt like I was being a bother. What could I say except to complain about how badly I felt? I did write a couple of emails letting friends know what I was going through. If I didn't do that I would truly have felt like I was sinking. We do need to stay in touch with people if we're to stay on the surface, don't we? That's how it is for me anyway.

I was relieved in the evening to receive a call from each of my sisters. They were compassionate. They know very well what it means to be depressed and they're aware that this was triggered by our mom's problems. I know they will stay in touch, tossing me a lifesaver when I need it.

What I was really thankful about was a call from a close friend who knew how I felt because I had emailed her. She spent some time talking with me, truly helping me with my pain. She did not advise me or try to fix me - just showed compassion. Neat thing she did: she suggested that one day, when we're both feeling better (this is the friend who is physically not well), we will get together and do some Christmas baking. That idea so appealed to me. If she had suggested we do it right then and there, I would not have been able - I would have felt pressured and turned off by the thought of it. But to think of doing this in the future appealed to me. It offered me a window of hope, something to look forward to.

Today was good. I went to Curves and had lunch with my mom at the home, something I need to do more often. I'll try to use the light I'm receiving from my friend's window of hope to bake some fudge brownies tonight. They're a cinch to make and she loves chocolate. How good I would feel if I could give her some! Hope she will like them because she badly needs to put on some weight.

Maybe this window of hope will lead to others. I know I do feel like I have a lot to write about right now....Perhaps an article on support?...Perhaps a workbook to help others through their depression?

Sacred space at times of depression

Susan of Bipolar Wellness has spoken a number of times about how she needs friends around her who will be with her when she's depressed, understanding that she may not want to - or be able to - talk much. I also feel that is the best kind of support a friend can offer. With the help of author Peter Scazzero, I've come to think of that quiet space between friends as "sacred space."

In his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Scazzero talks about how we need to recognize the uniqueness and separateness of other people and how true relationships "can only exist between two people willing to connect across their differences." And how true this is when one person is depressed and the other isn't! What a gulf there is between us at times like this! How can we bridge that gulf? How can we connect?

When I've been with friends who are depressed, I find the best way to be with them is to talk little, but to allow for lots of quiet time. We have gone for walks and I encourage them to talk about how they're feeling and respond a bit. But I allow for a comfortable quietness as well. That's the kind of presence I long for from my friends as well, when I'm depressed.

Scazzero writes, "When genuine love is released in a relationship, God's presence is manifest. The separate space between us becomes sacred space." When a friend will spend such comfortable quiet times with me, she cuts through the isolation I feel. What's more, a beautiful intimacy develops between us. And I sense God's presence.

Unconditional love

In their book, New Light on Depression, David Biebel, C.Min. and Harold Koenig, M.D. wrote, "Love - unconditional love - is the ultimate long-term antidote for depression, for at its core love is connected with faith and hope." I find this a powerful statement.

I believe that when we feel loved by our friends and by God, no matter what we do or say - and when we love others in the same way - all our emotional and spiritual needs end up being met, even if indirectly.

When we love and are loved unconditionally and non-judgmentally:

• we feel good about ourselves
• we feel secure
  
• we care enough about ourselves to want to take good care of ourselves
• we find out that it is more gratifying to give than it is to receive
  
• we want to do our best to make our life count for something - to do God's work
  
• we are able to be more forgiving
• we are encouraged in our faith in God
  
• faith in God leads to having faith in what he provides, including medical treatment
• faith in God leads to hope

No wonder Jesus said what he did: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40.

The Bible also says, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10

So much of our ability to deal with depression hangs on how we give and receive love.

I need your help

Frustrating! I had saved a couple of quotes from people on the blogs about how it feels to not have anyone understanding they can really talk to when they need support for their depression. They expressed the loneliness they felt and the lack of understanding they received from their friends.

I needed these to help me write an article about the need we who suffer from depression have for good support. And now they've vanished.

Could you help me?

How does it feel when you have no one to talk to who will show compassion?

I'm truly hoping you can put on your thinking caps, remember what it feels like or how it feels today, and write a line or two. This article is for a Christian website that wants to educate Christians about mental illness.

What I wish my pastor knew...

...about bipolar disorder.

Yesterday someone googled the above and found my blog. I hope what you read was helpful. But I thought I would write on this to see if I can help more by letting you know roughly what I told my pastor when I first started coming to the church I'm now a happy member of.

My pastor has learned a lot because he has wanted to learn and has always listened with interest when I tried to teach him about my disorder. I'm very fortunate to have him in my life and he is a great supporter.

Soon after I started going to this church and had decided I wanted to keep going there, I went to see the pastor because I wanted to tell him about my disorder. I knew symptoms would come up that I would need support and prayer for. It was good insurance to make sure he was fully aware of what I was dealing with.

I told him how my moods are much more severe than the average person's, with my hand describing a slight wave for how the average person's moods are and then showing the roller coaster style fluctuations of moods I go through.

"These moods are caused by a physiological problem in my brain. I'm on medications for this and they help me lead a close-to-normal life. But even then, my moods can affect me, making my life very painful. The medications don't keep me well all the time and sometimes they need adjusting. My life has been very difficult (and I described some of my past). There will be times I'll need prayer. Since I became a Christian, life has been easier to deal with. I know I'm not alone when I suffer."

Because I've taken it on myself to try to reduce stigma in whatever ways I personally can, I told him about this and gave him a copy of my book, Riding the Roller Coaster.

Pastor Don then prayed with me, asking God to help him learn about bipolar disorder from me. And he has learned much about what I deal with. I often email him about things I'm going through and he has come to know me and my disorder very well. He has been very supportive. My faith-based support group, Living Room, would not be as successful as it is without his support for me. If only all pastors could have this kind of attitude!

Others in this church have also been very loving and supportive. One person in particular became a huge support for me - and mentor too. And there's another person who I call almost daily now. Gradually, many others in the congregation have come to know my story. Yet I feel accepted.

My biggest supporters have been those people who have taken the trouble to learn about bipolar disorder. They have asked me questions; they have a curiosity about how things are for me. They care enough to do all this. As a result, I've had the strength and encouragement to do much in what I care most about - raising awareness about mental illness. I've had people around me who want to learn and that is so very important. If it weren't for these people in my life, I don't know if I would have written the new book - one that still needs a publisher - A Firm Place to Stand. I know I would not have started Living Room. How important a caring church congregation is to how we survive...and thrive!

So many people in society are not willing to learn. How can we get through to them? How can we better educate people and remove the stigma that is so damaging? I would like others who struggle with mental illness to be able to find the kind of love and support I have.

Feeling better

Yesterday and today have been much better days since I last wrote. I've been keeping busy, though I didn't get around to cleaning up the HUGE mess is the workshop. In fact, since I wrote about it in my last post I haven't given it another thought. I'm not good at cleaning or tidying. Would much rather make messes and be creative. If I were to die, would our son ever have a job sorting through all our stuff! One day I will have to think about cleaning up in a serious way. But will I ever find the time?

Yesterday I wrote a little piece for BC Christian News about the mental health service our church had several weeks ago. I also included something about Living Room. Another little effort to hopefully make a wee bit of difference. If other churches were to read it, they might become motivated to try the same thing we are doing. Submitting that to the paper last night has motivated me to carry on working for "the cause".

My next project is to write an article about how Christians can give support to friends suffering from depression. You may think, "Wouldn't the kind of support Christians give be the same as support given by anyone else?" The answer is, of course, yes. But the truth is that many still believe in depression having a spiritual basis. Also, there are spiritual ways of supporting people by praying with them or by letting them know you're praying. There's also the story of Job and his friends. Too many forget that story when they're trying to help depressed friends. It's a story that has lessons for us.

My neighbor has been telling me about her depressed friend who she is trying to give support to. "I don't know what to tell her to do anymore," she said. "I don't know how to help her." But that tends to be the trouble with a lot of people who are trying to help. They think that giving advice is going to fix the depression. The truth is they just need to be there to listen - to be available - to be compassionate - to be patient - to continue loving. For most people that's a hard thing to do. Everyone wants to fix things for others, when that is an impossible thing to do. It is so easy to make a depressed person feel worse.

I'm going to have to write about what it's like to be depressed as well. Supporters need to understand, though of course this would not be fully possible if they haven't been there themselves. Yet I'd like to try to describe it. This project will be a challenge, but a worthwhile challenge.

Just for fun, I've included a little picture I did here: a street in Havana. Please don't laugh too much at the car. It's the best I could do.