Thursday, March 11, 2010

I hate this disorder

I've come to a place where I haven't been before, at least I don't recollect having been here before. I hate having this disorder and lacking the control I would like to have over my feelings and subsequent behaviour. Last week I was hard on a person, blaming him for the depression I was feeling. But I shouldn't have had such depression over what had happened and I shouldn't have laid the blame on someone else for it.

Now I feel such shame for adding to this person's already stressful life. I'm just so very sorry. And I'm ashamed for having a disorder that makes me do things like this. I just pray that he'll forgive me. Even more than this I hope and pray his life will become easier and less stressful.

In my writings and all my work I encourage people not to feel ashamed of their bipolar disorder. I encourage them to look at it as just another illness, one they're not to be blamed for having. And yet today I feel ashamed. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to burden them with too much of me. I lean too heavily on two or three people and I regret that. And yet it isn't within my power to stop. I need their support. It's because of their support that I've been able to do as well as I have. Without these wonderful friends in my life there would be no Living Room.

I've had such a lot of attention as the founder of Living Room. People think so much of what I do. And yet without my supporters and their encouragement to always stay close to God, I would be nothing.

Just want to thank you, my friends, you know who you are, for all you've been to me. I want to thank you for how you've shown Christ's love to me. And I pray that I will find a way to burden you less, though I don't know if I can. I've tried before. I love you.


Spin Original said...

I SOOO get what you mean! I, too, have a select two whom I go to on a very regular basis. One night a few weeks ago I got angry with one of them because of something he said and I was angry with him. Then I was angry at me for being angry at him. So, yeah, I totally get what you are talking about.

The best part was that he continued to love me anyway - as it is evident that your friends do. That is something to be cherished.

Be open, vulnerable and ask forgiveness when you feel you should.

You are doing good, Marja. Don't give up.

marja said...

Thanks, Spin. Just feeling very bad tonight and will be glad when these feelings pass. Uggh! The power feelings have over you, eh? I'll be glad to go to bed tonight. Maybe the morning will be better.

More Than Conquerors said...

Dear Marja,

My heart goes out to you as I read of your experience. It is sometimes very frustrating indeed when we realized how this disorder can sometimes cause damages to our relationship with the people around us, especially those who love us and have helped us. I too struggle with this from time to time.

But I am reminded that with God there is forgiveness of sins and these friends who love us very much will also forgive us when we apologize to them. I think it is important to explain to our friends how this disorder can affect us and caused us not to think rationally. We don't mean to hurt them and we value their prayers and help.

May God restore your relationship with your friend speedily. With Him all things are possible. May the continuing struggles to manage our disorder cause us to cast ourselves upon the Lord each day. For we need much grace for Him to live for Him and share His love with others. Don't let this discourage you too much, Marja. The Lord loves you and so do your friends. Take care!

with love and prayer,

marja said...

Hi Nancie,

Yes, I'm quite sure this friend will forgive me because that's the kind of person he is. Nevertheless, I made his life harder than it already is and that knowledge is hard to live with.

Thank you for your prayers.