Off for a few days

I'll be off for the next week or so, camping in our motorhome - my husband fishing, me reading and drawing. It will be good to get away once more.

Recent days have been good for me, especially today. I'm taking a little loxapine at night now to help me get better rests at night. This morning I slept till 6:00 - much better than waking up at 3 or 4 as I have been.

Today I feel quite normal, hardly depressed at all. Yet I guess I'm a little fearful too. So many times I've started feeling well, only to drop down again a couple days later. How long will this good mood be with me this time?

But I guess I should be more positive and try to expect that I will one day be a stable person again. I'm praying for a more lasting wholeness. I want to get back to work again.

A window of hope

My depression is dragging on, but in a roller coaster fashion - some days really bad, some not so bad. What occurs to me is that I'm actually in a position to learn a lot right now. I've been wanting to write about how a person can best support friends with depression. This is a mystery to so many. Yet to be able to give good support can be such a blessing for those of us who need it. I'm trying to keep track of what is helping me right now. This is the silver lining of depression. You can use what you learn from it to help others.

Yesterday was a bad day. How I wished someone would call me and toss me a lifesaver, an indication that they cared. With my husband off on a holiday I felt quite alone. I suppose I could have done the reaching out and called a friend, but I would have felt like I was being a bother. What could I say except to complain about how badly I felt? I did write a couple of emails letting friends know what I was going through. If I didn't do that I would truly have felt like I was sinking. We do need to stay in touch with people if we're to stay on the surface, don't we? That's how it is for me anyway.

I was relieved in the evening to receive a call from each of my sisters. They were compassionate. They know very well what it means to be depressed and they're aware that this was triggered by our mom's problems. I know they will stay in touch, tossing me a lifesaver when I need it.

What I was really thankful about was a call from a close friend who knew how I felt because I had emailed her. She spent some time talking with me, truly helping me with my pain. She did not advise me or try to fix me - just showed compassion. Neat thing she did: she suggested that one day, when we're both feeling better (this is the friend who is physically not well), we will get together and do some Christmas baking. That idea so appealed to me. If she had suggested we do it right then and there, I would not have been able - I would have felt pressured and turned off by the thought of it. But to think of doing this in the future appealed to me. It offered me a window of hope, something to look forward to.

Today was good. I went to Curves and had lunch with my mom at the home, something I need to do more often. I'll try to use the light I'm receiving from my friend's window of hope to bake some fudge brownies tonight. They're a cinch to make and she loves chocolate. How good I would feel if I could give her some! Hope she will like them because she badly needs to put on some weight.

Maybe this window of hope will lead to others. I know I do feel like I have a lot to write about right now....Perhaps an article on support?...Perhaps a workbook to help others through their depression?

Unconditional love

In their book, New Light on Depression, David Biebel, C.Min. and Harold Koenig, M.D. wrote, "Love - unconditional love - is the ultimate long-term antidote for depression, for at its core love is connected with faith and hope." I find this a powerful statement.

I believe that when we feel loved by our friends and by God, no matter what we do or say - and when we love others in the same way - all our emotional and spiritual needs end up being met, even if indirectly.

When we love and are loved unconditionally and non-judgmentally:

• we feel good about ourselves
• we feel secure
  
• we care enough about ourselves to want to take good care of ourselves
• we find out that it is more gratifying to give than it is to receive
  
• we want to do our best to make our life count for something - to do God's work
  
• we are able to be more forgiving
• we are encouraged in our faith in God
  
• faith in God leads to having faith in what he provides, including medical treatment
• faith in God leads to hope

No wonder Jesus said what he did: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40.

The Bible also says, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10

So much of our ability to deal with depression hangs on how we give and receive love.

Feeling like doing

I've been trying to focus on doing rather than focusing on my mood but I'm finding the two are so linked it's almost impossible to separate the two.

Today I have a fairly long to-do list. Actually, it's not really that long, but it feels long because I'm rather down. I know I need to whittle it down a bit if I'm going to encourage myself to feel better. And I need to build in some time for things I really enjoy. That would make me feel better too. I need to spend some time with people. That would also make me feel better.

I feel like doing something creative. I have a need for that right now. Yet my chores are getting in the way. That makes me feel a bit frustrated - trapped. When I accomplish something creative I feel better.

I emailed a couple of friends yesterday, telling them about some of my feelings - focusing on feelings. It made me feel better. They are good friends. I know they love me. I am grateful for their love. Being grateful makes me feel better.

I'm constantly aware of my feelings as I work and play. Can't escape it.

Bipolar Wellness Writer says she focuses on wellness. I think I do too. We need to have a positive outlook. But wellness is also a state of mind for a person with a mental disorder. And when you look for wellness and don't find it you feel bad.

Perhaps focusing on hope is the important thing - hope that the feelings you experience will ultimately be good for something - hope that they will help make a better person out of you - hope that you can learn from your struggles and help others somehow.

I don't know whether all this makes sense. I must sound like a nut case here.

But I AM doing. And I AM feeling better. And I AM grateful.

Every day is new

You may think this a rather trite thing to say, but we can't take for granted the gift each new day is for us. It's amazing how much difference a day can make in my mood. Each morning I wake up and wonder, 'What will this day bring? Will this be the day that my mood will shift?'

I begin the morning hopefully, often starting my journal entry with: "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." I write this even when I don't feel like rejoicing, hoping that writing those words will somehow help me feel joy - remembering the days when those words used to automatically come to my lips - days when I was hypomanic. I long for that enthusiasm and am sure this positive approach is helpful.

I've been trying to plan my days a little more, putting more things on my to-do list. Not too many, but enough so that I have some activities to look forward to - some chores and some fun things. That takes away some of the aimless feelings that create a sense of hopelessness. I look forward to the day.

Friends have been praying for me, knowing that I've been having a bit of a roller coaster struggle. I know it's helping. Their prayers are encouraging me to trust God as I pass through this gray time, patiently awaiting the time when my enthusiasm will return. I myself am encouraged to pray. And with prayer comes a feeling of peace of hopefulness.

Out of the mud

I was meditating tonight, thinking of the blogging friends I've made who are going through hard times right now. I want to share something. I want to pass along some hope, hope I know is there for you on the other side of the dark. I'll try to do this without giving a sermon.

It was not until I was 42 when I first believed in God. Before that I had tried to survive my illness using my own willpower, not trusting anyone but myself. Many times I had to hang on for dear life, my sanity threatened. The time eventually came that I knew I needed to explore what God was all about. I yearned for someone I could trust, someone greater than me, someone who would catch me if I fell.

But didn't I tell this story only a few posts ago?

Anyway, you need to know about David, the psalmist. I like to tell my Living Room support group that, if David were living today, he might want to be a member of our group. David had very strong moods. In fact - though some Christians would faint at me saying this - I believe he might very well have been bipolar. He was a poet, a musician, a great leader. He was one of us!

David wrote a psalm that is very close to my heart. It describes so perfectly what has happened to me. I recently found out that U2 have a song based on this psalm:

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. (Psalm 40)

So all you guys who're in that slimy pit right now! Try to be hopeful and patient. God can and will lift you out. You'll have a new song to sing. I'm praying for you.